While The Factual Opinion is rarely, if ever, interested in any "news" that does not correlate to an increase in our finances and a decrease in our fiscal responsibility, it has come to our attention that quite a few of our readers, and our readers extended network, are operating under the assumption that the Oscars mean, well, anything in relation to the actual quality of last years films. That being said, here are some inarguably accurate responses to the latest Oscar Nominations. These are only the acting nominations. More responses may be provided, depending on reader response.
Best Actor In a Leading Role:
Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond--While it's certainly possible that Leo's performance in this wasn't as god-awful as any of his other non-Departed performances in his depressingly long and irritating career, that doesn't mean you give him an award. That's like being proud of a child molester for not slitting the throat of his latest rape victim.
Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson--Ryan Gosling gave an intensely intelligent and eminently compelling performance in one of the best films of the year, a film that was not only complex and complicated, but completely devoid of sentimentality and cynicism. He has no chance at winning an Oscar from the people who picked Crash as last years best film.
Peter O'Toole in Venus--Not only did no one watch this movie, no one should have, and yet O'Toole has an excellent chance merely because he refuses to die until he's done voice-overs in a Shrek sequel.
Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness--Liking Will Smith, wanting him to win, is like joining hands with those militant Evangelicals that preach the murder of abortion doctors. It's a filthy, disgusting thing to do, and it's proof that, once again, valuing everybody's opinion as having possible validity is about as useful as getting an associates degree.
Forest Whitaker in The Last King Of Scotland--While Half Nelson is the best movie of these five, Whitaker's performance outshines even Gosling. He is able to unflinchingly recreate Idi Amin, making the man so alive that the film would have been believable if it was shot in the janitor's closet of an elementary school. He should win.
Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine--Take Little Miss Sunshine and shove it right up your ass.
Jackie Earle Haley in Little Children--We'd like to believe that the Academy has enough courage to give the award to a man who so courageously played a child molester. Then we remember Sean Penn and I Am Sam. Courage and Oscar haven't held hands in a long time.
Djimon Hounsou in Blood Diamond--Single-handedly setting back the entire movement to convince young acting students that Audiences Hate Characters Who Scream All The Time.
Eddie Murphy in Dreamgirls--Daddy Day Care, Metro, Vampire In Brooklyn, Pluto Nash, Norbit, Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek 3, Holy Man, Dr. Doolittle and Haunted Mansion. It's been twenty years since Axel Foley--Fuck Eddie Murphy.
Mark Wahlberg in The Departed--One hopes that this joke of a nomination will result in a win, just because it will mean an increase in usages of the f-word in all movies.
Best Actress in a Leading Role
Penelope Cruz in Volver--If you saw this, you're probably pulling for her. You should try to remember how full the theater was when you were there. Oh. Wait-a-second.
Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal--At what point does Judi Dench stop getting a free pass due to her storied career? Before or after her lesbian stalker movie? I guess after.
Helen Mirren in The Queen--Mirren is well-loved here, and she will win, and she should. Too bad she had to hang out with Stephen Frears to do it, but life goes on.
Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada--Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep will hopefully team up before too long--they could have a long conversation about taking a steaming dump on their careers. If they included Goldie Hawn, maybe they could redo Witches of Eastwick.
Kate Winslet in Little Children--Nothing like padding a category, huh? Are we ready to come up with decent roles for women yet? Next year they'll find some loophole and nominate Juliana Marguiles for the first season of ER.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Adriana Barraza in Babel--I liked her better on that X-Files episode where she wouldn't shut up about the goat-sucker. Was she in Babel too?
Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal--I can't keep up-is this the lesbian one or the one where she pees on a plate? Oh wait, that's the Brad Pitt one.
Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine--Why don't they just give it to Dakota Fanning and call it the People's Choice Awards?
Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls--Interesting fact: If you tip Jennifer over, her brain runs right out of her nose, like a strawberry milkshake. If the award was for that, that would be okay, we guess.
Rinko Kikuchi in Babel--Americans should know that there's actual pornography with Japanese schoogirls everyday. They don't have to watch Cate Blanchett pee onscreen just to see a nubile Asian girl swish her way around. Try Ninja High School--it's pretty hot.