Comics Of The Weak: At Least 10% Less Boring Than The Comics Themselves

Kick-Ass # 1
Written by Mark Millar
Art by John Romita Jr. & Tom Palmer
Published by Icon/Marvel Comics

Egh.  A combination of the sort of naval-gazing nerd fantasy dialog from Wanted mixed with the always stand-out art of John Romita, and while that should at least put in the same category of dumb-fuck entertainment that Hollywood is praying on, the final pages present the obnoxious possibility that Millar might be shooting for some kind of "realistic" take on the nature of "heroism."  (And those are parenthetical, because, you know, "realistic" and "heroism" are both being couched in a book where a skinny loser gets stabbed in the chest and hit by a fucking car at high speeds yet doesn't, here we go, die.)  It's one thing to do a really shitty Youtube viral promotion that is about as likely to get non-comics readers in the store as breaking into their homes and raping their pets, and it's quite another thing to not bring the nasty when that was what was promised.  Never thought it would need to be said in Millar's direction, but he needs to turn the dial up on the violence, the language and the gross.  This shit?  Too tame for the name.

RASL # 1
By Jeff Smith
Published by Cartoon Books

Well, it's admirable that Jeff Smith isn't just writing another comic that's going to easily get filed alongside the Scholastic Books reprints of Bone--RASL looks to be a little more of an adult story than his magnum opus/only real work.  That isn't to imply that it's got a whole heaping mass of sex and violence--it's got drinking and violence, and the main character is some kind of art thief.  Unlike most comic books though, Smith isn't as predictable as a Chuck Dixon or a Jeph Loeb.  It'd be easy to say that so far RASL doesn't really stand up to Bone--that would be because it's true, and also because Bone was so incredibly successful.  But mostly that would just be snarking at a guy who deservedly made enough money to have some great times, but is enough of an artist that he should be given more of a chance to do something without us shitting all over one issue of it.  Jeff Smith proved himself as a pretty talented individual with Bone.  He deserves to be given some leeway with RASL.  (Which still doesn't mean that RASL has shown up and with it's first issue put all comic books to shame.  It's not bad, but it's not great enough to be anything more than okay enough to keep reading.)

Marvel Zombies 2 # 5
Written by Robert Kirkman
Art by Sean Phillips
Published by Marvel Comics

Oh god, there's going to be another one of these?  That's what's expressed in the final pages.  Seriously?  What the fuck else is there to tell?  If it wasn't shitting-the-bed enough to have all the zombiefied Marvel heroes beat their zombiefied eat some brains addiction through that always fascinating story trick of "they just DID, alright," now there's going to be another five issue mini-series of Sean Phillips wasting his time drawing Robert Kirkman's children's private school fund?  What kind of people are actually reading this series for pleasure?  (Besides people who just buy everything they can afford and say idiotic shit like "Hey, there's always something awesome in super-hero comics, I wish they'd give Hawkeye his own series, check out my slash fiction where Johnny Depp dates my mom.")  What possible enjoyment is there in this that can't be found in something free, like sleeping, or watching that viral video of the kid getting hit by a train? 

Deathblow # 9
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Carlos D'Anda
Published by Wildstorm/DC Comics

And so ends the series that nobody paid attention too, by the guy who gets yearly head nods from almost everybody with any taste for his work on 100 Bullets.  In a year where Azzarello fired on all cylinders not just in his Vertigo work, but so successfully wrote a back-up story about ancient characters that the comic it was published in sold sheerly for his 8 pages in the back, he also completed this bizarrely extravagant super-hero story about an army of American-hating terrorist dogs (as in the Lassie/Shaggie kind), cherubic 7 year old assassins, a dinosaur merged with Osama Bin Laden who's sexual fantasies include Linda Tripp and ocular penetration, and a brainwashed main character who spent the entire series fighting for the wrong side.  It's been the opposite of popular, loved by, apparently, only the writer, the artist, and I guess me, and yet it was probably one of the more inventively weird things to exist in super-hero comics in the current vogue phase of "make everything the same, but stupider."  Make no mistake--it would make a great trade, but it will probably join Wildcats 3.0 in the world of "that shit wasn't enough like the Justice Society of Shit-For-Brains, now go print me more copies of the Batgirl Archives!"  One more time, because we won't be able to say it again:  A Dinosaur.  Osama Bin Laden.  Masturbating to Linda Tripp, because "jealous girls rev me up."  That's what happened while Spider-Man was ending his marriage.  According to the sales figures, Spider-Man ending his marriage was worth more of people's time than that.  That makes no sense.

The Authority Prime # 5
Written by Christos Gage
Art by Darick Robertson
Published by Wildstrom/DC Comics

Goddamit, SO CLOSE.  For those of you who weren't keeping score, every single issue of the Authority Prime has been non-stop fighting, for no discernibly sensible reason, and every single issue ended with one of the characters spitting out dialog like, "Now it's ON" or "The gloves are coming OFF" or "Seriously, me and my boyfriend are totally GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS and then FIND YOUR ASS and then PUT YOUR ASS ON A PEDESTAL and KNOCK THAT PEDESTAL DOWN WITH ANY ASS-KICKING LEFT OVER FROM BEFORE, THAT TIME WHEN I KICKED YOUR ASS."  Sort of like David Rees' My New Fighting Technique Is Unstoppable but with thinly veiled versions of Batman and Superman.  In a way, this made it the most consistent super-hero comic published since the days when drunken lunatics wrote the adventures of Arm-Fall-Off Lad while angling for a job doing some real work for the Hallmark company.  But now, Christos Gage has gotten too big for his britches and decided it was time to a bit of a "talky" and now Authority Prime becomes yet another who-cares-about-Wildstorm story. 

Legion of Super-Heroes # 39
Written by Jim Shooter
Art by Francis Manapul & Livesay
Published by DC Comics

Hey, it's a soap opera comic about a shitload of characters no reader has a current relationship with!  Shooter's plan for his run on the Legion seems to be a damn-the-torpedoes, we're going to write this comic likes it's the most popular thing ever.  Because if it was the most popular thing ever, than nobody would complain about the fact that it's got a massive, definition of "unwieldy" cast and that reading one issue is sort of like reading one of those encyclopedia comics like DC's Who's Who or Marvel's Handbook, except Shooter throws in a bookend plot device and little dialog boxes to tell the reader who the character's are.  So it's sort of like a Dungeon's and Dragons Monster Manual, except that it has a bunch of subplots and appeals to about a fraction of the audience that reads Monster Manuals.  Which, if you're a math whiz, or autistic, means about seventeen people. 

Hellblazer # 241
Written by Andy Diggle
Art by Leonardo Manco
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

We said last time that we didn't really know why we should keep reviewing Hellblazer, since it's just about the same every time: pretty great.  That being said, this issue of Hellblazer was also pretty great, especially the part where John screwed some assholes over.  Which he does just about every issue, because it's London, and London, if you've never been, has lots of assholes living there.  Probably nowhere near as many as Toronto, but trust us, lots of assholes.  Leonardo Manco is just about the perfect fit for this series, which is no surprise, as Leonardo Manco is a master of that grimy, dark and unsettling shit that Hellblazer needs to work--this issue...well, no different than any of Manco's issues.  There's been some growing complaints about DC and Marvel putting out late books due to missed deadlines on the part of the creators, but Manco and Diggle have been operating like clockwork.  That they're also consistently bringing a good book out is what puts Hellblazer in such high esteem.  It's not for everybody, but then again, Forrest Gump and Titanic are, so who gives a shit what's for "everybody?" 

Wormwood Gentleman Corpse: Calamari Rising # 2
By Ben Templesmith
Published by IDW

Maybe we should do some copy-editing, or get drunk.  Because Wormwood was also, like Hellblazer before it, and SPOILER, Dan Dare coming up, pretty great as well.  Wormwood rides the same boat as Hellblazer, so obviously, individual taste is a part of it, but that's not to say that Templesmith's baby is some slight version of a Vertigo rip-off--if anything, Vertigo hasn't published something like this in years.  It's an individual creator's own monster, with Templesmith handling everything but the lettering.  Outside of his work on 30 Days of Night and Fell, Templesmith is free to be a hell of lot funnier, and Wormwood is all the better for it.  It's an ugly looking book, a comic that isn't likely to fly into the hands of people looking for comics to masturbate too, but for those that do, it's full of characters who have distinct personalities, a witty writer who's willing to give the stories room to be silly, and a style of art that's uniquely, oddly, attractive.  This issue continues to delve into the background of it's title character by dealing with the effects of some past mistakes he's made--something about infuriating a hive-minded cult of world-devourers--but it's mostly just a showcase for him to behave weirdly, make fun of everything, and have a bunch of people shoot at things.  If that's not your thing, there's certainly plenty of comics about steroid fantasies full of drawings of Ms. Marvel showing off her cleavage.

Dan Dare # 4
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Gary Erskine
Published by Virgin Comics

Garth Ennis seems to be one of those rare guys in comic books--somebody who's work can flow pretty seamlessly, regardless of genre.  He can write some excellent horror comics in Hellblazer, he can do some Two-Fisted Tales-worthy war comics, he can rip into some nasty super-hero satire in Hitman and The Boys, and pull off the strongest version of an action-heavy revamp of The Punisher.  All of those, and that's not even mentioning Preacher, which combined just about all of that stuff along with a pretty solid Western as well.  Unlike some of the other big-name writers, he can pretty much always be relied upon to bring something that's pretty consistently entertaining to the table--in all likelihood because he's willing to sidestep stuff he probably wouldn't enjoy doing.  We're not dating him or anything, It's not a total masterpiece every time with Ennis--he's had his phone-it-ins just as much as Rucka and Brubaker, but his track record is strong.  Dan Dare maintains that--what could have been a do-it-for-the-money excursion with a new publisher who's yet to decide what they want to be has become one of Ennis finest works.  Mixing a Battlestar Galactica with a stoic British airman, it's a comic that really shouldn't be as good as it's reading--but fucking hell, it is.  Are the aliens green?  Is our protagonist stiff-upper-lipped?  Are the spaceships all space-shippy?  Yes to all--but it's still a heckuva good time.  How is this true? 

Ultimate Spider-Man # 119
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Stuart Immonen & Wade von Grawbadger
Published by Marvel Comics

Yes, it reads like an episode of the O.C., or 90210, or maybe even Saved by the Bell.  But that's the bloody point, innit?  Christ, we've read enough of a Peter Parker who's a Gloomy Gus, we've seen the shitty Interpol haircut from the third Raimi flick, and last year's Spider-Ejaculate Causes Cancer handled the "grim and gritty" take as well.  Hell, even it's harshest critics would have to agree that the Bendis/Ultimate/High School Spider-Man Confidential take is the most readable of the bunch.  Here's the upshot--it's not just readable, it's also a fucking tasty feast of work.  No, it's not as good as Morrison's All Star Superman, but by and Goddamn large, it's certainly the closest thing Marvel offers for a sheer "let's have some fun with spandex characters and not try to reinvent the fucking wheel."  In other words, it's manga, but not as good.

Captain America # 35
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Butch Guice & Mike Perkins
Published by Marvel Comics

What happened in this issue?  It seemed like deleted scenes from issue 34 strung together.  Everything that happened here, from Bucky's angst over "how do I help in this situation" dynamic to the Red Skull showing off how far in advance he's planned to kick America's ass was all delivered with a bit more panache last month.  That's always going to be the struggle with Captain America, it seems--where do you go with this series after you kill your main character, replace your main character, and then show off the bad guy who's been lurking around since the first issue?  Brubaker can't actually let the Red Skull win--after all, killing Captain America is bad enough, and if the Red Skull wins that means that all Marvel comics have to be set in a post-apocalyptic world where the US has completely self-destructed with a villain in the James Bond position of controlling the world.  Actually, now that we wrote that, that might make the X-Men a hellaciously more entertaining book.  Fuck it.  We're pulling for the Skull.

Batman # 674
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Tony Daniel & Sandu Florea
Published by DC Comics

Well, after months of operating to some extent in the dark of Morrison's writing, he's starting to ease the reins a bit and reveal the actual scaffolding upon which he's been hanging the odd little moments of Batman's latest story.  That's not to say that the last few months (ignoring the pointless cross-over story) haven't contained, you know, stuff--it's just that all that "stuff" has just been somewhat random and unexplained.  Example:  Here's a robot Batman.  Here's one on steroids.  Look, it's the future.  Bruce is jumping out of plane!  Bruce is mediating!  There's Bat-Mite?  Now is the time when Morrison decides to offer up his own brand of "reveal," which more accurately might be termed a "de-coding."  Which, if you've ever read the guys work, is always either a direct hit (Animal Man, Doom Patrol or The Invisibles) or a complete miss, as in The Filth, Seaguy or, well, The Invisibles.  Morrison didn't earn the acclaim he's currently getting paid for by hitting the mark every time.  He earned it because he takes some goofball chances with what he's doing.  When those chances are taken under the Vertigo comics banner, they usually work out better--there, he has more control, more willingness to go down whatever rabbit hole the left-over mushrooms are sending him down.  When it's on a DC super-hero property, the results are usually mixed--Morrison may be a big name to those in the Spandex buyer's army, but he'll never top Warner Brothers commitment to Bruce Wayne appearing on underwear.  The dynamic of Morrison's Batman run has suffered from that--there's been the failed experiment of a text-heavy issue, the departure of an A-list art talent, a complete abortion of a cross-over (which, hideously, sold pretty well) and in the middle, some pretty confusing (while somewhat entertaining) twists.  This issue, where it's explained to some extent where these cyborgs and steroid freaks are from, and what their motivation is, did it's job--it made clear some of what Morrison has been doing.  The question that's still up in the air is whether he's going to explain the rest--and when he does, whether this was a ride that was actually going somewhere--or if it was just another book he got tired of working on.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Comments

[Jones, one of the Jones boys]

The next Marvel Zombies will be nothing but Suydam's zombiefied verions of non-iconic panels from obscure Marvel comics. Page 1 Panel 1: a zombiefied version of page 3 panel 5 of Sleepwalker #8. Page 1 Panel 2: a zombiefied version of page 2 panel 1 of The Defenders #103. Etc.

BTW, Filth and Seaguy as misses? If you mean the comics themselves, then you, sir, are simply mistaken. Pistols at dawn. If you mean the decoding moments...well, both series pretty stubbornly resist univocal decoding. But you're dead right that his stories often have that "oh, that's what all that random shit was supposed to mean" moment

[Tucker Stone]

Seaguy and Filth aren't total misses as comics, no, no pistols required. If the measure was having a "conclusion" or something of the like that was as great as all the fragments, then yes, they missed there. Animal Man, Doom--those were jazz-cat crazy, with a fireworks-studded finale. Seaguy and Filth both just kind of cut the lights and disappeared with a bit too much of a "wha?" for my taste.

And sorry, but your idea for Marvel Zombies--that sounds WAY more brilliant and entertaining then you're giving it credit. If somebody jacked Sleepwalker, Night Thrasher, The Defenders--Secret Wars II, all non consequential stuff, then Marvel Zombies 3 would be the Exit Wounds of 2009. Or the Acme Novelty. Or the Civil Infinite Wars. Whatever, it would be BallTastic.com is what i'm saying. Genius from Jones. Blog more, i miss you.

[Greg G]

Seaguy only being one third finished probably has something to do with the "wha?" factor.

But only a little.

[Dan Coyle]

I REALLY wish you were reviewing Frank Miller's Batman.

[Tucker Stone]

Miller's Batman gets the female treatment this month--hell, if i knew it was going to include "Damn you and your LEMONADE" i would've fought for it. Them's the breaks, i figure.

[Benjamin P. Myers Esquire]

It does my heart good to know that you like Garth Ennis, I don't read many comics yet Preacher gives me a big rubbery one.