9:48PM: Done, right? One more thing. You won't want to miss this.
9:44PM: Uncanny X-Men # 131: Run For Your Life! I don't really understand why they decided to stop the book here--it's clearly a big cliffhanger before the whole Dark Phoenix Saga, and all this issue does is show one of those creepy scenes where Jean is really pushing into crazy town, which is something she'll end up hanging out in a lot more. So, instead, you see Wolverine go after some dudes who he apparently kills, Kitty Pryde save the day, and Cyclops continue to NOT plan anything before he rolls in and says goodnight. So it's just another issue like the ones before--set up continues, Dazzler rolls off into the disco lights of the sky, and there's fighting. And more of this awful, eyebleeding coloring.
9:43PM: How would the X-Men survive any of the stuff they go through if they couldn't rely on Wolverine to kill people?
9:41PM: And there's Emma The Bondage Queen torturing Storm, who's been stripped to her skintight underwear. Fine, whatever. I'm too close to being done to get worked up about it, and nobody else cares, so neither do I.
9:37PM: I couldn't figure out why Kitty Pryde looked so strange--then it hit me--she doesn't have gargantuan breasts and some overdrawn ass. After spending so much time with this, where even Moira had D-cups and no fat on her body, it's weirder to see a normal looking person then it is to see all these nubile freaks with to many abdominal muscles. ALso, Byrne does a decent job of making her look really scared--it sucks that more super-hero artists can't, or won't, draw the range of emotions that Byrne can. It sucks worse that he's doing it with a comic prominently featuring Dazzler, and Cyclops who is the kingpin of the "you could've been better, i'm a prick" club.
9:35PM: Now I've got an agenda. Finish before the 12 hour mark. One issue to go!
9:31PM: Uncanny X-Men # 130: Dazzler No fancy title, which must mean that this is supposed to be a big deal, that this goofy ass disco singer who looks like that Z-grade hero Firehawk crossed with Jem, who's omigodsototally fucking outrageous, and is apparently in possession of some really good disco, according to Cyclops who has finally acknowledged that he knows "zilch." The comic is mostly an opportunity to drop more information biscuits on the way to the great Darkness Saga or The Rise Of The Blade Warriors or Dark Phoenix, what have you.
All I can say is that it isn't as bad as that thing where Marvel published Nightcat and the singer it was based on released an album based on the made-up character. That, however, doesn't mean I enjoyed it very much.
9:28PM: People always think I'm being sarcastic when I say this kind of shit, but: when Cole writes "Check out the Banshee that Werner Roth drew" I immediately, fully, start thinking for a couple of seconds that he means famed German New Wave director Werner Herzog. It's because of the geek in me, and the coffee, and the closeness to death. But that's where I go. Not for long, but I go there, imagining Werner.
9:24PM: Some of the images Jean Grey is receiving are "vile." Part of her though, finds those thoughts....attractive. OK, I can see how people would find that appealing after reading about the Defenders. Namor never struggled with his attraction towards guys wearing Freddie Mercury jumpsuits. It was 1980! We all struggled with those feelings. Hell, some of us STILL struggle.
9:22PM: The Dramatic Debut Of The Dazzler. I'm guessing this is a Claremont creation here. Not some "let's be proud" kind of shit.
9:20PM: Dude, I'm sorry to throw this out there, but if you're a guy who reads comics blogs at all, and Tom Spurgeon comments on a post, that's sort of like winning the Belmont Stakes, and I don't even like horses. Dirk Deppey threw some love at one of the Economist columns a while back, so I guess I just need to get some Heidi Macdonald and I'll be a Triple Crown winner. Bling blong. Sorry, but that's some exciting shit and I'm to tired to pretend that i'm above feeling pretty lucky and flattered.
9:16PM: Uncanny X-Men # 129: God Spare The Child... So this is Kitty Pryde, who a friend has pointed out will eventually drop every racial slur in the book when they start ratcheting up the whole racism thing. She's a geek, but she's able to escape that Emma Frost lady's telepathy, so she must be carved out of nails or something. I kind of didn't mind this so much, but what's up with the coloring? It's so garish, it's like they felt the need to use every shade of purple and neon available. I had a hard time getting around this.
9:15PM: Wolverine is reading a copy of Penthouse without paying for it. No judgment here, that makes a sort of sense.
9:13PM: I guess this is the first appearance of Kitty Pryde. Where's her magic dragon? And since when did Marvel have Superman posters? She's got one up next to Baryshnikov, and a copy of Fantastic Four on the ground. Kitty Pryde is a nerd.
9:11PM: Professor X just docked Wolverine "ten demerits." What? Were they trying to 90210 up this Melrose Place?
9:09PM: Wow Cyclops, that's a whole lot of talking to be doing when you've got your tongue otherwise occupied. You too, Jean. Get a room. People kissing: awesome. Boring ass characters kissing: Dumb as shit.
9:08PM: Uhhh. Who's the lady in the bondage gear?
9:01PM: Uncanny X-Men # 128: The Action Of The Tiger! The titles are all getting really silly--I mean, Action of the Tiger? What does that have to do with the story? It's just a loosely imagined statement, not even a metaphor or allegory for anything, just some random ass shit in all capitals. Oh that's why I don't remember this Isis album, because it's terrible. Hold on a second.
Okay, thanks, I'm back. Yeah, so anyway, they saved the day by killing a scared and crazy 20 year old who, it turns out, had only been locked up since he was 10. You know, it might have been better to lock him up as an infant, at least that way the only world he would have known was his cell. There's some implication that Moira had tried to cure him of his problems, which feels less like it was planned and more like it was a late-stage cover the ass maneuver. But what do I know? I don't write comics, nor do I want to. I imagine a whole lot of work goes into coming up with giant arctic owls and different opportunities for Cyclops to be a dirty little piece of shit. Three to go.
8:59PM: Colossus becomes a man.
8:55PM: That's old school, I always forget that new comics don't have the full-in-story recap of previous issues. Now most of them do the front page recap, just text style, but Byrne and Claremont are bringing to you full on '79 style, and reading about Proteus fantasies for his mom isn't any less disgusting the second go round.
8:46PM: Uncanny X-Men # 127: The Quality of Hatred! There's a lot of back-and-forth shit going down here--turns out Moira isn't divorced, and she's a Nobel prize winner--which makes that whole "housekeeper with a machine gun" into an even more what-the-eff scenario, her kid that she kept in a cell wants to have the sex of the gross with her because he's possessed his father's body, a body he describes as phenomenally strong, which is sort of incestuous and weird too, and, basically, Cyclops could've prevented all of this, and a few innocent deaths too, if he'd just manned up and let Moira blow a freight train through the kid courtesy of her homemade heat-sinking scope on her holy bejesus-that's-a-big-gun. But hey, we're closer to the introduction of Dazzler than ever, I dumped the 2008 music idea and am listening to an old Isis record, I'm good. The sun went down though. That's depressing.
8:44PM: Oh gross, man, the Proteus guy "wants" his mom. I'm not even reading into it, that's what it says. Nasty. Incest is so tired, I don't want to read about dudes craving beefsteak with there lady godivas. That shit is rank.
8:41PM: And Cyclops just threw coffee in Wolverine's face.
8:38PM: Well, take that back. Moira is more than willing to execute her own kid. Tough ass lady.
Well, after all those issues where everybody thought everybody else was dead, the reunion happens and it's such a throw-away non-event that I don't know if I should be impressed or if I should be disappointed. My wife just told me the room smells like the ocean, and I wasn't sure how to respond. Thanks?
Anway, i'm entering this third pot of coffee well, but i'm taking it slow, so not to feel sick.
Nothing much happened here. There's a bad guy named Proteus, it happens to be the son of the Moira lady, who kept in a cell for it's entire life, but oh god, the X-Men can't kill him. Oh no, that would be terrible. They certainly didn't use any of the time (his entire life) he was imprisoned in a fucking ROOM to cure or help fix his condition, so I'm not sure why they don't just ice the poor son of a bitch.
8:28PM: In Jean's fantasy world, she rides a black pony named "Satan." Okeh, Claremont. Lighten up, bucko.
8:24PM: I know Madrox The Multiple Man from X-Factor, which i've read a bit of. He's way more interesting there then here. What a whiny piece of shit he is here. Fucking Madrox The Multiple Pussywillow McDoucheykins.
8:17PM: Uncanny X-Men # 125: There's Something Awful On Muir Island! I keep being surprised by how short these are. I guess I should be used to it, and they aren't any shorter than current comics--actually, considering the word-to-page ratio, there's quantitatively more here then in the new stuff. But yeah, I'll flip the page and there's a poorly scanned version of the letters page. (Which isn't Marvel's fault, but yeah, the quality of the scans are pretty bad.)
Anyway, this is another set up issue, where they check in with Magneto, who is brooding in an asteroid, Jean Grey, who is a smoker, and more Danger Room shit. I could go the rest of my life and never read a Danger Room scenario. I'm curious, but I wouldn't be surprised if these scripts were written and then Danger Room shit was added to pad the story. It's the same thing, for four years of comics.
Byrne can draw the fuck out of some Colossus though, you got to give him that.
8:15PM: Beast finally said "Stars and garters." Also, this whole Black Queen thing is starting up, so we must be nearing the end. (As if I can't tell. The book is getting harder to read. When you are in the middle, it'll lay flat. At the beginning, or the end, this fucking thing keeps trying to close on my arm.)
8:08PM: I love that one of the way this Wyngarde guy tried to pick up Jean Grey was to wear a speedo and waltz up to her while she was sunbathing. Also, interesting sidenote: Jean has a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and is drinking some kind of cocktail out of a huge water bong. That's how Jean relaxes.
8:04PM: Uncanny X-Men Annual # 3: A Fire In The Sky! Remember when the T-1000 freaks out and hides under the kitchen table? That's the best part of Fire In The Sky. The best part of This Fire In The Sky is when it ends. George Perez, you have attained failure level with this. Thank god you had other stuff in the pipeline, because this story, regardless of how well it was drawn, made me want to kill and eat the cutest dog in the universe. I can't wait to get back to the regular issues, regardless of what happens in them.
8:00PM: Ten fucking hours I've been doing this. I've never spent that much time doing anything except for two tv marathons-one where I watched all of The Shield: Season 4, which was totally awesome and would do again if I didn't keep up with that show on a weekly basis now, and once in college when a whole group of lunatics marathoned watched that HBO show Oz for a little over a day. That was stupid, but there was some sex that happened towards the 20th hour, so it's a fond memory, and it was college, which is when you're supposed to do that kind of stuff. But yeah, i've never spent this much time with comics in a single day. I don't care what anybody says. This is horrible.
7:57PM: I keep looking for where Perez and Claremont have credited Windsor McCay for this, since it's all straight out of Little Nemo. Haven't found it yet.
7:56PM: I forgot how long annuals are. This is awful.
7:51PM: Okay, so hopefully Cyclops won't tell everybody to run away, as now they are attacking the X-Men at home. Well, not they, this Arkon guy is. I thought all Thor villains talked funny. This guy talks like Magneto. Hey, where the fuck is Magneto? It doesn't take a year to recover from busted ribs.
7:49PM: Just saw Sharif's comment, and that interests me--who on this team does Claremont get to take credit for? I'm always interested to see which Marvel characters have successfully survived that didn't come from Stan Lee (and whomever he had as an art partner, as they always seemed to have a hand.)
7:46PM: Storm begins taking off her clothes as always, the second she enters her room. Thankfully, the Arkon guy shows up before she finishes, saving me from another of those debacles. Coffee!
7:43PM: It's probably just a phrase, but Cyclops just implied that he "hired" the X-Men. Are they getting paid?
7:42PM: I don't know Thor or his comics. Is Arkon a big deal? He doesn't look like a big deal.
7:40PM: Hey, it's George Perez.
7:35PM: Uncanny X-Men # 124 He Only Laughs When I Hurt! The third pot of coffee is being brewed. I also drank a Red Bull earlier. I have to say, I wonder how this would have gone if I was just drinking whiskey all day. Or something really sleazy, like Coors Light. So, the whole Spider-Man thing last issue, where he got all freaked out and destroyed a phone booth upon finding out the X-Men had been kidnapped by Arcade? I guess he just went home, as he never shows up to do anything for anybody in this issue. Instead, the X-gang fights there way out of Murderworld, which is less difficult than the name implies, and then, as always, Cyclops makes everybody RUN AWAY. Seriously, Cyclops? Give it up. You've retreated from every single battle throughout every story of this book. The only time the guy bucks up is when his back is literally to the fucking wall. Cyclops, you are not a hero. You are a lazy bum. Anyways, we're really moving and shaking, right? This is good timing. Second winds!
7:30PM: Naa, I don't buy it. I'm sure there's some weird explanation for why Storm can use electricity underwater without hurting herself, but I don't buy it. That's completely absurd. So is the Maybe It's Reno album.
7:21PM: Uncanny X-Men # 123 Listen--Stop Me If You've Heard It--But This One Will Kill You! So this is Arcade, huh? He's not too bad, kind of a creative sort of guy. This is a lot like that Marvel video game, which sort of makes sense that it would be. Nothing in here could be readable and the last page would still be pretty classic: Colossus puts on a red apron like outfit, with a little red hat, and red wristbands and calls himself "Proletarian--Worker's Hero of The Soviet Union!" He has Lenin on the front of his outfit. On the bottom of the page, Arcade is wearing Converse All Stars with huge lifts on them.
I mean, yeah, it's silly, but it's pretty great. I'd really like it if this whole thing would take itself less seriously, but until then, this will have to do.
7:18PM: Guess Storm was taking a cold shower. Her nipples are drawn like sundials.
7:17PM: Bullshit. Banshee doesn't have what it takes to own a copy of Finnegan's Wake, much less read it. That asshole couldn't comprehend a copy of Men's Health, and that magazine is the same every month.
7:16PM: Hey, it's the Dragon Lady from Terry & The Pirates.
7:13PM: Hey, it's Spider-Man.