Comics Of The Weak: Ain't None Of These Gonna Have A 68 Million Dollar Friday

War Is Hell: The First Flight of the Phantom Eagle # 5
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Howard Chaykin & Brian Reber
Published by Marvel MAX

The Factual has certain projects waiting in the wings that makes it extraordinarily difficult to look at War Is Hell in any sort of fashion that's worth publishing. Basically, this recent story (of which this is the final issue) is another quality addition to the library of Garth Ennis' air combat stories, and Howard Chaykin did a fine job of illustrating it. Otherwise, Ennis fans should just keep an eye on this site for the next few weeks. You'll understand when you see it.

Captain America # 40
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Steve Epting & Frank D'Armata
Published by Marvel Comics

Ed Brubaker's biggest problem, the one that seems to touch all of his comics at some point, is that he turns in issues that are so consistent in tone and delivery that it makes each issue a little less compelling than the one prior to it--if anything, his individual chapters have a sense of suffering from lacking the ambition that's so palpable at the beginning stories. That's not too huge of a complaint--after all, Captain America is one of the few series that works in the 25 issue format, making that overpriced and heavy hardcover Marvel published worth reading--but it makes reading each individual issue somewhat dull. In other words--we probably should just wait for the trade on these stories.

Foolkiller: White Angels # 1
Written by Gregg Hurwitz
Art by Paul Azaceta & Nick Filardi
Published by Marvel MAX

The first Foolkiller mini-series wasn't what spurred the Factual's editorial board to take a look at this latest version--despite an old lady and the dead schoolchildren her malfunctioning brakepads cause, Gregg Hurwitz was just taking Punisher Max and replacing the gritty plot with Sin City swipes and a droll form of black comedy that was a little too showy. (We imagine that the biggest fans of this are the same kind of people who claim their favorite prose writer is Chuck Palahniuk.) But the prospect of more art from Paul Azaceta is the sort of opportunity that doesn't come up often enough, and despite White Angels being a story that's been done a billion times over (look, racist white people, killing black people! Don't worry, liberal white guy with muscles and guns is a-coming!), Azaceta doesn't disappoint. He's a guy who can make a terrified man whose entire cheek has been ripped wide open seem like the gnarliest thing you've ever seen in a mainstream comic. Who Foolkiller is for, we don't know, but if it keeps looking like this, we're on board.

Hellblazer # 246
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Sean Murphy & Lee Loughridge
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

There's probably some people out there that would prefer their Hellblazer stories to embrace continuity and reference all the random twisted shit that's happened in the last 245 issues of the comic--not us, but probably somebody, right? While we didn't have as much trouble with the comprehension of the story as some people might have--it's a love letter to Jamie Delano by way of Jason Aaron, and it includes a snide take on the Adverts, one of the most overrated bands few people have heard of, what's not to get? All that's working against this aside, it would've made for a relatively nice breather if it had come between one of Denise Mina's arcs, or maybe as a break during the Paul Jenkins years--but here it just served as a break in the pace that Andy Diggle had going. It's too short, and too little happens beyond the regular "creepy shit" that happens whenever idiots try to pry into Constantine's life. We didn't hate it, not at all--but it wasn't really what we were clamoring for either.

Dreamwar # 4
Written by Keith Giffen
Art by Lee Garbett, Trevor Scott, Gabe Eltreb & Randy Mayor
Published by Wildstorm/DC Comics

The best thing about Dreamwar # 4 is when it's revealed that the reason all the wacked out shit that's occurred in the previous issues--like the JSA killing old people and Batman getting his head chopped off--is because a fat loser is offended by the way the heroes in the Wildstorm universe don't behave the way he thinks heroes should behave. The rest of the comic reads like an episode of that Justice League TV show, but that part--the part where Keith Giffen takes a common message board criticism so far that he uses it as plot and makes every super-hero in attendance into terrible role models, pathetic fools the lot--that part is why Dreamwar is such a ridiculously guilty pleasure. It's not a spectacular comic, but it's mean-spirited, and considering that super-hero comics are either A) Way too serious or B) Moronic, mean-spirited is a refreshing tonic. (It's also pretty genius that the fan is overweight. Because, hey, why not? If you're going to tell someone to fuck off, why not add on a little "AND DIE" while you're at it?)

Final Crisis: Rogue's Revenge # 1
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by Scott Kolins & Dave McCaig
Published by DC Comics

Here's a history lesson, courtesy of a group of people who could care a whole hell of a lot less: Geoff Johns and Scott Kolins like to team up whenever possible and write story after story about "The Rogues" which is the oh-so-cute name for the random low-rent villains that are always causing problems for the Flash, any Flash, all Flash-es, etc, you get the point. Usually, these sorts of stories are contained within the pages of whatever version of the Flash comic book DC's currently publishing, either the "here's Wally and his ever-changing personality" or the "oh-shit-we-thought-this-Bart-guy-was-more-popular-than-this" or the "look at this dudes kids they do shit." But then sometimes they slap Final Crisis on the cover so that Johns and Kolins can go back to the well to re-use the same old schtick and wrap up a bad storyline that people would probably just as soon forget. (The Bart guy getting stomped in the rain storyline.) That kind of repititive "the same, not even changed, literally, the-exact-thing again" can work when you're drawing whatever blood is left out of something that was a massive, eat your bananas (you need potassium) kind of seller--but when it's just the best-selling Flash shit (Rogues) mixed with the worst (rain dancing on dude's face), it amounts to--well, exactly what this little paragraph implies. Something you might have read before, and something you never want to read again.

The Incredible Hercules # 119
Written by Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente
Art by Rafa Sandoval, Roger Bonet & Martegod Cracia
Published by Marvel Comics

If there isn't an award for "Best On-Panel Decapitation Of A Puppy By Way Of Teeth," there really should be one, because this sets the bar so high that it's unfathomable who could top it. Maybe if Alan Moore teamed up with John Byrne, and it was Oracle doing the chomp chomp. There's probably some kind of backlash courtesy of people who should get over themselves towards comic books that depict this kind of hilarity--but here's a little nugget of fact: if every comic book on the stands included a puppy getting his head ripped off, at least half of those comic books would be vastly improved. Especially Optic Fucking Nerve.

X-Factor # 33
Written by Peter David
Art by Larry Stroman, Jon Sibal & Jeromy Cox
Published by Marvel Comics

Larry Stroman returns to the title that he sort of put on the map by providing a classic example of a balls-to-the-wall ugly super-hero comic book from a major publisher back when you still had to masturbate to that movie where Sharon Stone hired Sly Stallone to kill James Woods, and he's decided that, instead of holding on to what made him interesting (which was being really weird), he'd try to draw more like whatever asshat shit it is that X-Factor normally looks like when Ryan Sook realizes he's got better things to do with his time, like take a dump in a Bell Jar and sell it at a farmer's market. At least Peter David hasn't changed. He's a regular factory of X-Factor stories that are about as memorable as an episode of C.S.I. New York.

The Mighty Avengers # 16
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Khoi Pham, Danny Miki & Dean White
Published by Marvel Comics

While there's an argument to be made that what Bendis is doing with Secret Invasion spin-offs gives a certain group of people exactly what they want by telling the backstory of the Skrull infiltration by filling in the specific gaps on story arcs from the past few years, it's the writing equivalent of watching somebody work out ideas for comic books in their dorm room/favorite Irish pub/whatever it is they tell their family should be called an "office" NO LAUGHING/nice word for "sweatshop." Mighty Avengers isn't a comic book. It's Brian's homework. Nobody gives a shit about homework. Nobody wants to watch Scottie Pippen do wind sprints in his backyard. That's why they don't sell tickets to people's backyard. But yeah, if you're the type of fan who likes to assemble everything you read into a scrapbook, here's some of the stuff you'll need to explain darkened silhouettes in comic books that came out three years ago.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Last week at Comixology we referenced Caddyshack and talked about super-hero comics, so if you want more, then go there.  If you want less--well hey, too fucking late for that.

Comments

[Tim O'Neil]

"But yeah, if you're the type of fan who likes to assemble everything you read into a scrapbook, here's some of the stuff you'll need to explain darkened silhouettes in comic books that came out three years ago."

So you're saying this comic will appeal to 99% of everyone who still reads superhero comics, then?

[Dan Coyle]

"(It's also pretty genius that the fan is overweight. Because, hey, why not? If you're going to tell someone to fuck off, why not add on a little "AND DIE" while you're at it?)"

And especially hilarious in light of a column where Giffen said professionals should stop tarring all fans with the "fanboy" brush. You stay classy, Asshole!

[Duncan]

What will they do next to "the fans", Dan Coyle? What next?!?!

I expect they'll be laughing their contempt right in their faces, the faces of the fans, in the aisles of the SDCC or somesuch.

Well I, for one, don't plan to stand for it.

[Tam]

Any more news on this 'Ennis project'? I'm hoping it's a review / retrospective of the Punisher max series seeing how almost no one else seems to have done that much excepting Jog. it's been probably the best sustained series he's written to date. Although 303 and Unknown Soldier trawled similar ground at least as well...

[Tucker Stone]

It starts next week. I thought, back when I wrote that little aside, that it was going to be finished a lot sooner. That was sheer arrogance. But yeah, it's getting going next week.