Comics Of The Weak: He Wants To Get Wet With You

Punisher War Journal # 23
Written by Matt Fraction & Rick Remender
Art by Howard Chaykin, Edgar Delgado & Jesus Alberto
Published by Marvel Comics

Chaykin.  For real?  Who slaps their forehead when somebody kneecaps them with a crowbar?  Nobody ever slaps their forehead anyway, that's only in bad movies when a shit actor doesn't know how to express surprise, here--there's just no excuse for that.  It is that Bridge character who looks like a black Pac-man, even more so because his choice of clothing is skin-tight (which the Shield organization shouldn't do to people who have perfectly circular bellies) so there's already some aspect of "goofy," but the silly factor got turned up a bit too far on that one.  Still, this is the first issue of this terribly stupid Jigsaw story where Fraction & Remender made good on that whole "these guys will save comics" tagline they've been labeled with by having the main villain tell Punisher that he loves him a whole bunch of times.  That was sort of--unexpected?  Random?  Whatever it was, it was funny to watch a guy dressed in spandex jump on another guy dressed in spandex and compulsively repeat "I love you" while trying to kill him at the same time.

Secret Six # 1
Written by Gail Simone
Art by Nicola Scott, Doug Hazlewood & Jason Wright
Published by DC Comics

Deadshot used to look like a pre-sobriety Tony Stark, here, Nicola Scott ends up crossing that with a fey take on Errol Flynn, which makes his relationship with Catman far more homoerotic then it already was--and these guys are practically rimming each other on every page.  When you compare the way these characters talk to each other, with their non-stop sarcasm and playful banter, to an actual spandex couple like the Authority's Midnighter and Apollo, it's hard to believe that Catman and Deadshot are supposed to be heterosexuals.  Not out of some cheap laziness, but just because the two of them seem so goddamn perfect for each other.  There's never been a good version of a "will they or won't they" in super-hero comics (probably due to the fact that it's way better done on television), but if Simone keeps this up, Secret Six could be that book.  The only thing that's in the way right now is one of those terrible "coming-out" stories that comics should only be allowed to do if they're written by Mindy Kaling.

The Boys # 22
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Darick Robertson, Matt Jacobs & Tony Avina
Published by Dynamite Entertainment

Garth and Darick knew better than to try to compete with the audacious reverie of the last issue's 9/11 blood drama, making for a quieter setting the stage chapter. The nastiest thing that happens is the aftermath of an attempted rape, where Annie (the near-victim) tries to reach out to the only other female she knows--for solace, commiseration, or maybe just a behind the back shittalking, and her attempt is repelled by a cold "I'm not your friend, little girl."  It's cruel, and even more so when Annie responds, just as quickly, saying "God forbid.  But would it kill you to offer me a martini?"  That's the world of this comic, paid in full:  a world where everybody, no matter where they started from, ends up being ground down by nihilistic solipsism.  A man will send a stranger to kill his son, a woman will accept the abuse of another, simply because--well, as long as they can shit comfortably, it doesn't matter to them anyway.  If it wasn't being done with such humor, this would be the most depressing comic available.

Chas: The Knowledge # 3
Written by Simon Oliver
Art by Goran Sudzuka & Matt Hollingsworth
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

While there's no chance anytime soon that John Constantine's cab-driving friend Chas is going to get an ongoing series, the novelty of this story is still enough to propel it forward for 22 pages.  It's about a cab-driver, the actual plot is far less interesting then the possibility that the cab-driver may finally cheat on that harpy wife of his, and it features John Constantine taking ecstasy in hopes of bedding young harlots--which he must fail at, since he ends up sleeping on a beach.  (Which leads to one of those classic old school Hellblazer moments where he responds to a toddler's attempt at helping him by saying "Fuck off.")  For whatever it's worth, it's nice to have a comic out there that has a character who tells children to fuck off.  For the time being, that'll be the barometer that determines whether or not you've got taste:  like it when the hero curses out adorable little boys?  Then your vote counts.

Detective Comics # 848
Written by Paul Dini
Art by Dustin Nguyen, Derek Fridolfs & John Kalisz
Published by DC Comics

Why does Gotham City need Batman at all when they've got emergency room physicians who can keep someone alive when the patient's heart has been removed?  Sure, crime is bad, that's understandable, but clearly:  the real heroes are at Gotham General.  How many doctors would even take a look at someone with a gaping hole in their chest cavity, notice the missing heart, and attempt to keep the person alive?  "Something smells good.  My burrito or your vagine?"

Nightwing # 148
Written by Peter Tomasi
Art by Rags Morales, Michael Bair & Bob Petrecca
Published by DC Comics

It's kind of hilarious to read a Nightwing comic that feels the need to use words like "intra-articular" and "periarticular fibrosis" to add, we guess, some sense of realism or whatever you call that kind of manipulative use of WebMD to one of those overdone scenes where a super-hero character is getting operated on by a trusty friend who claims to have learned up to date surgical techniques from "the Discovery channel," both because A) this character in particular has been near-fatally shot about 47 times in the last three months if you go by "continuity" and B) because the only thing Discovery shows nowadays is Deadliest Catch and Shark Week.  While the whole mechanical aspect of the story works in a relatively decent sense, mostly because of the dedication Rags Morales has to making the reader feel really, really sorry for Alfred, who is now living in the perpetually morose world of being a butler to Bruce Wayne while also being really sad, all the time--but when the strongest and most effective part of a super-hero story is a two-page sequence where a side character washes his hands, cries and then climaxes with a close up of him holding hands with the main character, you've got to kind of wonder if there's really any reason to read something like this.  Touching, sure--but there's plenty of other avenues to go find "touching" that will be far smarter and more interesting forms of entertainment then a Nightwing comic book. 

El Diablo # 1
Written by Jai Nitz
Art by Phil Hester & Ande Parks
Published by DC Comics

If you can't get a gangbanger to flip when you dangle reducing his prison sentence in his face, then drop him into a hospital room with a dude who screams and says nonsensical things all night.  That'll show him.  What's that?  Didn't work?  Well, see how he likes being locked up with an old man--an old man who is in a coma.  Oh yeah.  Now he'll talk.  ...  Really?  Okay, well then convince his doctor--yeah, the weird looking lady who wears glasses that make her look like a Latino Judge Dredd--convince her to withhold medical treatment and physical therapy so that he'll be paralyzed for life.  That'll get him talking.  Telling stories.  About gangbanging.

Wait, still?  Nevermind.  That's not what this comic is about anyway.  Somebody go steal a couple of copies of Ghost Rider, just copy the rest straight out of that.  Oh, but make sure you make the main character look as lame as possible.  Like a sad version of that Racer X guy crossed with the voodoo priest from Live and Let Die.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Comments

[Chris Mautner]

You know, Racer X was Speed Racer's brother.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Has Mindy Kaling written some sort of well-known coming-out story that I'm not aware of?

[Tucker Stone]

Not yet, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that she totally could, and it would totally work. It would at least be on par with that old issue of Batman? Robin? where Tim Drake tells the reader not to smoke pot by using the argument "Why would you want to 'get wasted'?"

[Guy Smiley]

Who WOULD want to "get wasted," Tucker? I think it's great to take the no-drug message to comics readers. Drugs suck. They waste your time; the kick they provide decreases with continued usage; when you're on them, you feel totally creative and energized, but later you realize it was all pointless shallow babble; they can isolate you from your friends as you fall into a pathetic subculture of addicts; druggies are always babbling about the best high they ever had, as if that justifies their downward spiral; and, of course, drugs cost waaaay too much money.

Just say no to drugs. And please buy more Nightwing.

[Tucker Stone]

I think the effectiveness of any anti-drug message is severely diluted after it's presented in a story where marijuana use has created some type of variation on the Floronic Man.

[Guy Smiley]

Well, was that an Alan Moore story? Because Alan Moore's anti-drug message is consistently, "Don't do drugs. Until I get there. And try to have some young-ish womenfolk about for me to shag. Ta."

[Tucker Stone]

I feel like it was Chuck Dixon. It certainly lacked the cheekiness of an Alan Moore. I could be wrong.

At some point, before I forget, I really should transcribe Robin's speech from the end of that weed frenzy story. From what I remember, it was along the lines of "Think about what you're saying! you want to get 'messed up', you want to 'get wasted'! Why would you do that with your mind, this wonderful gift you've been given, a gift given so freely," and so on, from there. It had the effect of making one want to skip far past marijuana and cocaine, and just dive right into cheap meth and all the glorious aspects of the trailer-park drug culture that meth inhabits. My dog is named Skeeter! My teeth are tingly and green! Look! This shirt is yours!

The only nice thing to say is that, at no point, did Robin turn to face the reader and ask them to start accepting something something as their personal savior. But that was probably just due to page count.

[Matthew J. Brady]

That sounds like that anti-gay comic that Journalista linked to the other day that went nuts describing all the details of the "deviance" that homosexuals engage in. It was the Rick Santorum (or Larry Craig, for a more recent reference) of comics.