Economist Vs. Idiot: The Line For The Iris Scan Is Not Quicker Then Regular Airport Security But It Makes Me Feel Important

The World Last Week

-The world said "Is Kim Jong Il sick?" And North Korea said "No, and you should mind your own business, I think there's something wrong with your collateral insurers by the way."

-Gosh, it turned out that John McCain and Barack Obama are both going to talk smack about each other despite that whole "We won't talk smack this time" promise stuff.  Golly, I'm so surprised, because if there's one thing McCain supporters and Obama supporters really seemed to be doing lately, it is disagreeing with each other respectfully and in a way that doesn't make the work day seem to be constructed out of various meetings explaining that subordinates aren't allowed to call your co-workers an idiot because  A) you don't care about their political leanings for 3.75 years at a time and B) because you don't get to express politics when you're basically a drunk with a degree in Photoshop.

-Kwame Kilpatrick has decided that being the mayor of Detroit from a jail cell for four months would be a bit too creepy for the people of Detroit, as well as his fellow inmates, and he will resign.  On a side note, you should not worry about Kilpatrick.  He is bigger then just about any man I have ever seen, and I have judged three rounds of the Guiness Book of World Records "Horsiest looking fatties contest."

-Bush will probably be pulling out about 8,000 or so American troops from Iraq, but they'll probably just be going to Afghanistan, so no, Virginia, Santa Claus isn't coming home by Christmas.  He has to help the British defend a water turbine, and you should really be wearing a flag pin.

-Somalia figured that the next step in being less like a country and more like a warzone with borders would be to murder one of their prominent politicians, which they did, out in the streets by the government building.

-Hurricane Ike screwed up Haiti and Cuba, also, wherever it is that my wife's future brother-in-law is going on his honeymoon.  Does that make him my brother?  I don't think he claims it.

-Both Hugo Chavez and Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner may have been funneling campaign money through Miami, and I'm glad this wasn't the plot for Miami Vice, but am surprised that there was a possible plot idea that was even more boring then the "Gonna use speedboats to make you love me bitch" one they did go with.  Jamie Foxx, success has changed you.

-Although there was a decent rally at the stock market in the period between the US government agreeing to look after Fannie & Freddie but before AIG and Lehmen went tits up, Britain didn't get to play at all when the computers broke at the London Stock Exchange.  While you're crying about it, why don't you make me a bespoke suit, you sexy whore.

-And in my favorite story of the week, a screw-up on Google's news service presented a six-year-old article about the bankruptcy of United Airlines and so many people thought it was actually happening like totally right now that UAL's share price fell 75% in one day.  I love this story more then I love a well-cooked baked potato, which is a lot now that I've started this whole thing where I slice it up like a cucumber right out of the oven before slathering it with no-salt butter.

Leaders

-Considering that the sea of news rose another level on the tide of the financial fiasco that struck both Lehman and AIG, it's to be commended that the Economist gave the cover spot, as well as a three page briefing, to the growing-in-evidence theory that many cancers, possibly all cancers, are caused by a form of stem cells.  Here's as basic as a description as possible--the various stem cells that the human body has, a number set at a specific point in development, constantly reproduce, eventually developing all the types of tissue that make up the human body--the organs, everything.  While these stem cells don't die until the body itself does, the number of stem cells that exist never changes--and the "daughters" of those stem cells can't reproduce on their own.  Similarly, the stem cells can't make the jump to becoming whatever it is that it's cells re-produce.  If this cancer stem cell theory is accurate (it wasn't proposed recently, the "news" is that the theory is looking more and more probable), then the prospect of curing cancer would no longer be relegated to the forms of treatment intent on seeking out and destroying all cancerous cells.  Instead, the goal would be to develop the already-in-process methods of finding and distinguishing types of stem cells to focus on those of the cancerous variety, eliminating those stem cells so they can no longer reproduce, and clearing out whatever of their daughters they've already created.  (Current cancer treatment works fine when it can find the cells, but even when the stem's get caught up in treatment, they seem to survive and begin the process of tumor production all over again.) Although the article goes on to deal with a lot of the problems that have arisen, as well as some of the methods of research that might not be producing reliable evidence, the theory seems to have legs.  This doesn't mean that a cure is right around the corner--the leader article compares it more to the development of germ theory, meaning that if it's accurate, it's really only opening a door to the direction in which a cure may exist.  Still, considering that it's the sort of development that may end up leading to the defeat of one of the worst killers human beings have ever known, it's a vastly more important article than it would be to continue debating on whether or not old men invented Blackberries, or if hope alone can stop a deficit of $439 billion.

-Asif Zadari was able to turn the death of his wife, Benazir Bhutto, into an election win.  Sorry, does that sound cruel?  Maybe because it's true?  Yeah, because it's true.  Anyway, Zadari is now in the unlovely position of selling a population who elected him despite already not really liking him on a continued relationship with an American military that, every once in a while, kills a bunch of civilians.  Meanwhile, the other major force in Pakistan, the military, has made it clear that the next time the coalition forces cross the border, they'll treat it like a threat.  Whether or not Zadari can make this shit into an edible sandwich will be his job, for however long the Pakistani military allows it.  (The Pakistani military--ah, will they never get the coup out of their list of possible solutions?)

-The nice thing about the leaders section is that it's where the Economist likes to put it's insanely hopeful articles--like this one about how the European Union (an organization that the Economist basically called a bunch of weak-willed four-year-olds last week) should carve out a path for the Ukraine to become a member.  Considering that would require standing up to Russia, a country that's proven to be about as intimidated by the EU as I am by the prospect of a fistfight with any of the stars of Baby Geniuses 2: The Quickening, this reads like one of those interminable Nation articles that claims Dick Cheney should be charged with war crimes.  Fantasy can be fun, but it's better when it involves a dirty pizza delivery boy and his throbbing biceps.

-Two more leader articles that would've made you feel super smart if you'd read them last week, because now they're both true.  One is about how the government might have to rescue more companies the way they did Fannie & Freddie, which they did--hi AIG, you're the new member of the taxpayer-covers-your-losses game.  The other is about how Tzipi Livni is on track to take over Kadimi, the party currently in charge of Israel, and hey--she just won the primary.  Ah, old news.

Letters

-Hey, people in France tell stupid lawyer jokes too.  We're all the same under our clothes--sweaty, in need of a trim, and completely unfunny.

United States

-It being an election time, isn't it time to whip out another one of those "it's totally the 21st Century" stories about how hard it is to get evangelical voters to go Democrat?  Although America is probably locked into the two party system of Presidential Picks for the duration, or at least until Jericho toots his horn and we all start killing each other with a jawbone, when are these "value voters" going to form their own party and really kick over the hornet's nest?  Admittedly, that's not what this article is about--but then again, if you've ever read an article about born-again Christians and how they vote, you weren't going to check on me anyway.

-Oh PLASTIC.  When are they going to get voting machines fixed up right?  Ever?  Never?  Forever never?

-Some of America's most used, and "best" public libraries are in Wyoming, where the average resident reads more then the average Californian or average Washingtonian.  Personally, I still think libraries are for my pal Matthew Brady and leprous peasants, but that's me:  a guy who sleeps on top of a bed made out of the complete Oxford English. 

-The government came up with a plan to auction off flight slots at airports, in hopes of combating airplane traffic, but they didn't run it by the Air Transport Association, a trade group.  Which is a nice way of saying a bunch of corporations hired lawyers, who have effectively shut the plan down.  So it's the Department of Transportation versus a team-up of massive corporations.  I think we know this play ends.

-There's something called the "slow food" movement, which my hippie sister will probably try to sell me on, but if you want to go the way of the public and read articles about it, here you go.  Let's all be real objective about this one, because I'm sure it's got a lot of potential to appeal to people who have to work two jobs and yet would love to come home and eat, cook and grow their own food.  Because that's one thing a lot of Americans have right now, energy and free time.

-Wisconsin is the state up this week in the spot where "why won't you people just get together and make predicting the election results easier" articles go.  They lean a bit Democrat, but they're still a bit Republican, which means that large groups of people in the rest of the country think about half this state is full of idiots, because God Forbid somebody doesn't like your candidate as much as you do.  After your candidate wins, we should just put all those opposition members in camps, shouldn't we?  Tell me about it on the elevator some more when I'm trying to take a break, because trust me:  that's where I get my political commentary.

-Lexington writes an article about feminism, and it's only controversial in that way that every article about feminism is always controversial, because it's a law or something.  I liked it fine, but then again, I pretty much assume that you either think women are equal to men, and should be treated as such unless you're retarded.  So it's not like I have a horse in the race most of the time.

The Americas

-Brazil's violence is going down, remember?  Now they're getting a middle class too, and their inequality levels are leaving the area that used to be called "look, it's the French Revolution, again" and heading towards let's-all-build-some-suburbs, get really fat.  Not to worry though, there's more cosmetic operations performed in Brazil then in any country on the planet.  (Except for the US, who will never lose that title, mostly due to Cher and the Cat Lady.)

-I'm sorry if you clicked the Cat Lady link.

-Or the second link, that one's even worse.

-Peru is positioning itself to be the low export portal to the world, if by world you mean Brazil, and by low export portal you mean "base your entire economic plan on the hopes that trade between Brazil and it's Asian & North American partners never ends, ever."  Why does this article not point on that little fact, leaving me to do it for you?  Because they don't love you, and I do, even if you like Lost, which is a dumb show for people who should have more sex.

-It's a good thing that Venezula's gasoline cost about four cents a liter, because thirty years of not figuring out how to build efficient roadways have finally caused the sort of gridlock that ends up giving people, no seriously, seven hour daily commutes.  Seven hours our of the twenty-four we all get are spent in a car five days a week.  Hugo Chavez, you so crazy!

-Although the Russians and Venezulea are forming one of those relationships that psycho pundits want to compare to the relationship to the one that brought about the Cuban Missle Crisis, the United States Fourth Fleet (that's their Real Name) was dispatched to take a gander.  They came back and said "Geez, if that's their military, we can beat them by sending out a Boy Scout troop armed with balsa wood airplanes."

Asia

-How's Kim Jong Il doing?  Nobody knows, and the Economist is sick of playing the "he said, she said" game with the whole thing, which wasn't a notice that certain other media outlets went with.  But here's your tasty stolen fact of the day:  one of Kim Jong Il's twenty-something sons is obsessed with Eric Clapton.  That's all that people really know about him.  Including reporter-people.  What a weird way for a person to be defined to the entire world.  The son of Kim Jong Il and a fan of "Layla."  And twenty-something.

-The prime minister of Thailand was ordered to resign by the Constitutional Court because he made $2,400 last year appearing on some cooking shows, although he said that the money was just reimbursement for expenses and ingredients.  (The law to prevent ministers from having "outside jobs," which is what appearing on cooking shows is considered in Thailand, an outside job, was created last year during the time period when the country had no government and was under the control of a military backed coup.)  Of course, since the law was created by a bunch of dick-waving military types, they didn't read their own fine print, and the fired prime minister was subsequently re-elected prime minister.  Within days.  This is such a dumb story.

-Now that the cameras have left town, people are protesting in China again; somehow, they haven't all been killed yet.  Their concerns range from horrible pollution to economic insecurity, as the whole "we fed your children poisoned milk and waited to tell you after the end of the Paralympics" story was still days away.  In an odd little twist of, I don't know, honor maybe, the Chinese government has admitted that the shit house construction of schools in Sichuan province was their fault, meaning they took the lion's share of responsibility for the death of thousands of schoolchildren, all of whom were crushed under collapsing ceilings while sitting on collapsing floors that, in many cases, was in spitting distance of earthquake-proof government buildings were Communist officials sat and listened to the sound of cheap materials, shit engineering and overall apathy killing innocent 7 year-olds.  It's been too long, and I feel it in my breast:  some people, people who didn't care and profited off a school house made of plaster and not-caring, well, those people?  They don't need to be here anymore.

Middle East and Africa

-A group of terrorists in Algeria, a nasty group of bombers and overall jackasses have gotten together a little mission statement that says they are now members of al-Qaeda, which just goes to show you that, despite whatever logic might have convinced those of us who don't kill people that it was a "bad thing" to be considered a terrorist, there are some out there who pick the scariest name in the scary book and say "Yep, that's us.  Card-carrying!"  Algeria says it ain't so, but then again--if you ran country in Africa and a bunch of wackos started name-checking the boogeyman of the 21st Century, aren't you going to deny it?

-The African National Congress are beginning to showcase a disturbing level of interest and interference in the South African Broadcasting Corporation.  For whatever reason, Parliament has control over the board of the SABC, meaning that the main source of information for millions of South Africans is sucked into whatever political battles go in on the government.  I'm not even sure why this system of control was created in the first place.

-Angola's election had a lot of problems, but considering their volatile history, the vote should be looked at as a success.  No major violence is a good step, and despite a somewhat questionable 80% majority for the relatively impossible-to-challenge incumbent power, the second largest oil producer in sub-Saharan Africa is on the road to recovery after a brutal decade or so of civil war.

Europe

-After the years under Jacques Chirac, France is finally starting to relax a bit of it's sniffy attitude towards the speaking of English, and yes, this does seem to be an odd story to read about in the Economist, but at this point I'll take anything that isn't about the European Union cravenly wandering the streets of the continent and pretending it has the Ukraine's best interest at heart in what is shaping up to be the next great story in the horrible book called "Things that happen to the chess pieces when we play chicken with Putin's Russia."  God, that was a long sentence.

-Russia has said it's willing to pull back from Georgia, but they won't be leaving South Ossetia or Abkhazia anytime soon, and if you don't like it "Europe," well you can just talk to the newly recognized (by Russia and Venezuela so far) governments of those two areas.  (That are still within Georgian borders and considered part of Georgia by pretty much everybody except for the dudes there, right now, with guns, who say "No, they're independent enclaves, Thanks Though.)  Of course, if the EU starts negotiating with the governments of two tiny Georgian enclaves, that means they're pretty much agreeing with Russia that these places are independent, which the EU can't really do, because that would shit all over the US of A, who are still pretty much hoping that Mikheil Saakashvili can figure this out without anybody doing anything.  Never going to happen, and this situation may not be as bad as it was in August, but yes, here it is: not getting better, and that's the prescription of the near future as well.

-Oh, by the way:  Silvio Berlusconi sued the Economist alleging that they defamed him when they said he was unfit to lead Italy back on a July 2001 cover.  The Economist went to court, totally kicked his ass on his own turf and he has to pay them the costs of the trip, as well as their legal expenses.  In your face, you silly twat.

-Charlemagne, like the ever-increasing and oh-god-i-will-kill-your-grandparents-with-a-time-machine Project Runway contestant Suede refers to himself in the third person here, which is sort of par for the course where he also proposes a label for the current world order.  Too big for your britches this week, methinks, and while I like ambition "in theory" I'm not altogether sure what you were going for here.  If you read the Economist as a whole, it doesn't seem that intimidated by Russia, it seems in support, basically, of the EU, and it pretty much can't stop figuring out ways to gobble America's knob.  You read this and it seems that Charlemagne is sort of writing off his own field of expertise, i.e. Europe as a conglomerate of countries.  What's the solution then?  Or at least the avenue of best direction?  Europe won't stand to be the water-carrying cheerleader for a couple of global powers for any length of time, and they shouldn't, they should just focus on fixing their shit-house economies and their aging workforce, and get back to the business of being a global power themselves.  I'll admit to missing Charlie's point by a mile, but seriously:  when you love someone as much as I love Charlie, you don't hold his hand and tell him he's special when he shits in the tub.  You smack him in the mouth and re-explain the toilet thing all over again.

Britain

-Well, that whole thing about incarcarating suspected prisoners for multiple days without a warrant didn't do it's trick this time, as UK courts were able to convict three terrorists on some minor charges of conspiracy but were undecided about the rest.  Except for one, who got off scot-free and is considered the alleged emissary to al-Qaeda.  Oh, and they were going to blow up seven airliners.  Nasty little case, but considering this is only one article that's been more widely covered in other, more frequently published UK papers, probably one that's best to learn about there.

-The House of Lords isn't a very diverse bunch of cats, and they fail to accurately represent the 90% of Britons that don't live in London, and the government wants to do something about it.  They don't really seem to have much of a plan beyond "everybody in it should be elected," and since that's not really a plan per se, more of a statement, or a sentence fragment, it seems unlikely that this is the sort of story that you should pin to your bulletin board as one to check in on tomorrow.

-This column by Bagehot is probably designed to offend certain Brits, but having not been there since the early Thatcher years, I don't have enough of a relationship with Jolly Old Stuff-and-Stuff to have much to say about it.  So here it is, in your face, with love:  Bagehot describes the British version of what Americans so lovingly call "filthy degenerate rednecks."  I'm not sure why he feels the need to do a whole article, it's a pretty easy call.  Just find the Brits that brew up crystal meth in their garage.  Congratulations, you've found your rednecks.

International (You Have Pretty Pictures This Week)

-Okay, this article about how environmentalism is changing it's stance of "fix the world before the world fixes you," which is the sort of platform that makes everybody who hates science figure this is just an elitist complaint they don't need to worry about, because who likes to be told what to do by some white guy with dreadlocks and no sense of how to match a pair of shorts with a proper shirt?  Seriously, how many of us litter just to see an apple-growing Phish fan cry?  I have long weekends.  The new platform is "let's all adapt" which is what you call coping with climate change instead of fixing it.  People like it more, because it appeals to the whole "quick-fix" thing the world builds bridges on.  But check it out anyway, it's even got a quote from Al Gore, which is the only way to read Al Gore, because he has the voice and delivery of a Muppet with no human hand involved to make it adorable.  There's also a pretty graph that lets you know who produces the most carbon, which showcases how awesome Africa is in that department as well as how abysmal Alaska is at it.  Also, it's all bubbly.

Business

-This article was a lot of fun to read last week, and it'll be even more fun next week, because it's a breakdown of companies that are on their way to being the next AIG (saved!) or the next Lehman Brothers (piss on it, it's dead!)  Exxon Mobil is still kicking ass and taking names, but here's some of the cats on the way towards the inferno if things don't change:  Delta Air Lines, Clear Channel, Toys "R" Us and Reader's Digest.  The Fed can't, and it shouldn't, and it won't, catch them all.

-Well, that's a lot of rambling with no real sense of newsery to it, so let's talk the differences between Boeing and Airbus:  Airbus employees realize that the economy is shit, and that it won't get better with them striking, and Boeing thinks that moonbeams and rutabagas are the new tube top.  So they're striking, and hey, it's not. going. to. work.  Is the pay bad?  Yes.  Was the raise offer of an 11% raise a pretty astronomical one?  Definitely.  But they didn't take it, no, they wanted more, and that's why Airbus employees are the winners here.  It's really comforting for a lot of people, including me most of the time, to side with striking workers in a factory-based assembly plants designed as much to build planes as they are to kill souls, but the situation here is more then a bit absurd.  Negotiating against inflation is one thing, but negotiating oneself out of a job when an 11% raise is available in this economic climate?  When Airbus was already ripping you apart anyway?  How crazy can you get before somebody starts sticking a taser up your ass and making you watch the Bratz movie?

-Just a reminder: The Economist has terrible taste when it comes time for entertainment.  Case in point: they think the new advertisements featuring Seinfeld and Bill Gates are brilliantly clever, to which I can only say:  Are you completely out of your fucking mind?

Finance and Economics

-Published days before the Lehman ship exploded, here's a big breakdown on how things were looking from the Economist's point of view as the, unknown but heavily suspected at the time, final hours went by.

-Buttonwood decides to cede the floor on what is gearing up to be the toughest period of his career, as the next few months are going to determine a lot about A) whether I can understand the guy each week and B) how far I'll have to go to understand what he's talking about.  His column this week is actually a book review on one of the few "this is how this crisis started" books that he finds worth reading.  Originally I was going to follow up this little paragraph with a long ride on the wah-mbulance and complain about the recent spat of "the financial crisis for dummies" type articles that keep popping up, but then I figured that was a little pot/kettle/black, remembered that I don't give two shits about convincing anybody that I'm right and they should change, and also just though the whole thing read like a sack of turd.

Science and Technology

-They turned on the Large Hadron Collider, the Economist struggles to contain it's excitement, there is, thankfully, no acknowledgment of the growing irritation of people who struggled to build upon their vague memory of high school science to understand what the Higgs boson is only to find out that all conversations about the LHC deteriorates into people telling you that if a black hole develops, they always wanted to bone your sister.  At this point, I hope a black hole does develop.  Before I get another goddamn email forward.

-Meet the animal that can survive in space without a spacesuit:  the tardigrade.  That's right humanity!  Tardigrades can do shit you can't, no matter how special your mom told you that you were!  Money, fame, and a brilliant sex life, yet you'll still go eyes-a-popping to your timely demise, while a tiny creature without a spine laughs his less than 1mm long ass off, and this will all happen in space.

-Use a bunch of computers and models and fake train sets to figure out traffic patterns, and it turns out that crowded motorways act just like the fast food restaurants described in every old ladies terrible story:  the line was shorter when I got in it, but now that kid who came in after me is getting his food!  It's not fair!  Oh, and that lady has 11 items in her basket and this is an express line!  Wah wah wah wah waah.  Again:  the black hole, I know it's not coming, but I really really hope it's coming.  If the choice is total extinction or hearing that people go to McDonald's and start behaving like their life is a Reader's Digest "Drama In Real Life" story, no contest.  Sign me up for the inferno.

Books and Arts

-Damien Hirst takes it to the next level...actually, a better phrase choice might be that Damien Hirst has created a level nobody previously came up with:  a massive auction of new art pieces through Sotheby's.  For those who don't keep up with contemporary art, probably because they are A) poor and B) poor, art sold through places like Sotheby's, Christie's, Bruun Rasmussen and Philips de pury is almost always art that's been bought and sold before.  On top of that, modern and contemporary art usually means, when you're talking about the type of auction where financial records are set, artwork that is at least five years old.  "At least" is kind of a misnomer, although I trust the Economist knows about it more than I do, but I've never seen a serious contemporary sculpture catalog that didn't focus on pieces at least forty years old.  Either way, what Damien Hirst is doing is both groundbreaking and insanely ambitious, which also translates to many as "arrogant" and "completely insane."  But here:  three pages in which to make your decision!  Note:  if you're a hardcore member of the Christian or Muslim faith, avoid reading the first paragraph of this article, which describes the rugby ball sized testicles of Hirst's "The Golden Calf."  Never mind, it's exactly what you're imagining.

-Here we go with the rest of the section, all of these books sound fantastic:  Playing the Enemy, the story of Nelson Mandela's ingenious embrace of a sport he and many South Africans loathed and the impact that embrace had on the country itself; Left in Dark Times, Bernard-Henri Levy's raw take down of leftist immaturity in the form of a bible for committed, intellectual liberalism, and Booker prize shortlisted The White Tiger, one of those rare books that, as the Economist puts it, has a "fine ending."  Reading:  it's not just coke whores anymore.

Obituary: Ian Hibell

-Ian Hibell covered about 6,000 miles a year on a bike, traveling an equivalent of ten times round the equator over the last forty years.  He crossed China from the north to south at the age of 72.  Prior to that, he was a the first man to cycle the Darien Gap in Panama, as well as the first to cycle from the top to the bottom of the American continent.  He died recently, at the age of 74.  Hit by a car on the road between Athens and Salonika.

-Next week in the Economist Versus Idiot--a really crappy swirl cover, now online so all unemployed graphic designers can choke back tears and vomit!  A 15 page special report on globalisation, which according to the cover but not spell check is the accurate spelling!  Also, the obituary of a typewriter repairman.

Comments

[Matthew J. Brady]

Nicely done this week; lots of funny stuff and a good portion of the old righteous anger. I dig it. And yes, libraries are awesome. Don't be dissin' my mom, man! (she works in one) Or my wife! (she used to)

[Tucker Stone]

Oh, I love librarians, most definitely. I just hate it when people talk about how much money they saved now that they "go to the library." It's like listening to anorexics brag about how they save a lot on food. Budgeting is totally mature, and it's totally grown-up, but it's also super-fucking boring to hear about.

[Kenny]

11% was offered for a raise and Boeing employees still went on strike? Hell, I'm an idiot and even I know Boeing's finances have been for shit recently. People are dumb.