Comics Of The Weak: Take Off Your Pants, Rest A Spell, Nobody Else Is Trying, Why Should You?

Secret Invasion # 8
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Leinil Francis Yu, Mark Morales & Laura Martin
Published by Marvel Comics

The cover art on this issue can pretty much serve as a lens for the entire story it contains, and, if you work extra hard, you could probably cover all the previous issues with it as well.  There they are--Wolverine, Captain America and Thor, some of the most iconic and recognizable characters in the Marvel Universe.  The pieces of Marvel that matter most, on the table, showing off, getting ready to do their thing.  And what's that in Captain America's hand?  Just his shield, his big, red, white and blue shield. 

Oh, and he has it turned the other way around, so all the reader can see is the two straps that Bucky uses to stick it to his arm.

That's Secret Invasion for you, a comic that never took the time to ask "should there be something happening this story, or are we fine just publishing something that's little more then an idea for a story?"  A series that, technically speaking, did exactly what it was supposed to--provide some "event' so that all of Marvel's action figures could be drawn in big splash pages, doing stuff together, a series that was hyped a little, then hyped a lot, then hyped so much that it died before it started, only so it could be yanked off the autopsy table and sent out for some more hype.  The thing was that there wasn't anything put back on the corpse afterwards--all they sent out was a four dollar comic book made out of editorial skeletons, and then they sat back and watched how little it mattered to the people who buy them.  They sent up a weather balloon, and when they got the results back, it said "You can convince super-hero fans to buy anything--don't worry about making it good.  Just make sure you've got Wolverine in it."  Then somebody put out a call to Bendis and Yu and told them not to worry.  They wouldn't be needing a story.  The pitch was just fine all by itself.

Batman # 682
Written by Grant Morrison
Drawn by Lee Garbett, Guy Major & Trevor Scott
Published by DC Comics

One of the things you have to accept when you watch James Bond movies, read Batman comics or spend anytime checking out the various films featuring Jason Statham is that the bad guy or guys is never going to follow up capturing the protagonist with "shooting protagonist in head."  If you don't screw this fact into your brain, alongside other notables like "bad guys will never be able to hit a target with machine guns, no matter how close they are" and "arrogant asshole bouncers will always fail to keep the cool guy out of the night club, because the cool guy will take him out physically in a second," then you're never going to be able to "suspend disbelief" and get on with the whole "read this thing, watch this one" maneuvers.  This is one of those comics, where you sit there and say "Well, if Darkseid is such a brilliant mastermind of evil, why hasn't he taken the lessons of old to heart, and decided the only good Batman is a dead Batman?"  But no, it's time for Bruce to taste the light fantastic, to take a heroic dose, to, as the kids used to say, "Trip some fucking balls man."  And what does he trip about?  Let's see:  that night with the bat, old adventures with Dick Grayson, not getting laid and letting his butler handle his break-ups, what his life would be like if he had seen other animals besides bats, and something called "microsleep," which is Grant Morrison's way of reminding you that, yes, he too once sat around going "Geez man, how come Bruce Wayne isn't sleepy all the time."  In other words, it's like an anniversary issue, where they bring in a bunch of different artists and give them iconic shots to draw, except this time they took pre-made iconic shots and gave them to one artist, so it's more like a fanciful idea of a sketchbook or a grad project at the Joe Kubert "Learn To Tolerate Everything" school.  Because it's a comic, the logic is that these hallucinations of being sort of a loser--which is kind of what Batman seems to be dreaming about, you'd think he'd remember all the times he wasn't a whiny bitch telling Alfred he can't handle break-ups--is somehow going to give Darkseid the tools he needs to build an army of badasses.  Hopefully, the next issue will be old Stoneface looking at the tapes and saying "I thought he was...wait, isn't Batman supposed to be cool?  This shit isn't cool at all.  I feel like I'm watching an antidepressant commercial."

Criminal # 7
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Sean Phillips & Val Staples
Published by Icon/Marvel Comics

After spending a few issues telling the latest version of Criminal in such a fashion that made one wonder if Ed Brubaker was getting sort of bored, since the whole thing was more then a little similar to every single noir plot where a broken down loser gets taken for a ride--a sexual one, a few in cars, and an emotional one--by a good-for-nothing dame with a smile that would blind an eagle and an ass that wouldn't quit if you offered it a billion dollar severance package, here comes the conclusion, wherein Brubaker reveals that oh yeah, he was tricking you all along, and in such a way that actually breaks the desire to never get fooled again and reminds the reader that yes, sometimes it's nice when a comic says "Hey, that was a fucking lie, that thing I was saying.  Here's the shit for you."  While it's a bit of a Tyler Durden-y twist, it's still a well-played one, and it's a nice way for Criminal to close out the year--still having never done anything that's bad, and almost always behaving like something that's pretty fucking great.

Haunted Tank # 1
Written by Frank Marraffino
Art by Henry Flint & Lee Loughridge
Published by Vertigo Comics

Oh wow, this is some really stupid ass shit, but how upsetting can something be when it knows it's stupid shit?  Hell, this story is called "Shock and Awesome."  This is a comic that makes no bones whatsoever--it's going to tell the story of the ghost of a Confederate soldier, who rides on a ghost horse, and his adventures in Iraq with some Americans, a tank, and a big part of it's emotional weight will apparently be dealt out in the only available B-plot on display, which is about Civil War-era miscegenation.  Jesus Fucking Christ, that's a goddamn comic book right there, that's a story that nobody else would tell.  Nobody seems to be paying attention to the fact that Vertigo is doing more courageous shit with their mini-series output this year, but they are, and goddammit:  except for Picturebox, who published the vilest piece of comic filth this year with Monster Men and thereby cemented their reputation as "some dudes who are definitively willing to put their money where their mouth is, now look at the adventures of a serial rapist" nobody has the balls of Vertigo right now.  Autobiographical comics about sexual and racial politics?  Any grad school student can do that.  Wistful stories about wistful people who may or may not be portrayed as wistful animals holding hands?  Plenty of those.  An eight year old's useless garbage ramblings about smiling and hugging?  Got it in spades.  But following the adventures of a British cabbie fighting demons with cabbie knowledge with the adventures of a tank, an old Southern Confederate, and trying to bridge the gap that comes when a black character realizes he's talking to a ghost that fucked one of his slave ancestors, because said ghost probably owned that slave ancestor?  Seriously, how the fuck is Chris Staros going to compete with that?  With "art?"  Puhfuckingleeeze.

Hellboy: The Wild Hunt # 1
Written by Mike Mignola
Art by Duncan Fegredo & Dave Stewart
Published by Dark Horse Comics

Somebody would do well to point out to Mignola with some kind of clarity why the B.P.R.D. stories are so much more preferable to the current spate of Hellboy ones, but he'd probably just say "hey, I made a movie, bought me one of Lovecraft's original spittoons with it."  It's not that Wild Hunt is bad, it certainly isn't, but it's also just another story about Hellboy doing random shit while he continues to wander the world, which means it's just like Knight Rider, or the A-Team, except that Hellboy has to serve as his own straight man and wildcard at the same time, and these sorts of stories need something besides "quirky guy who punches shit" if you're going to invest any time in them.  Great monster design is one thing, but if you're going to hang your hat solely on "Great Monster Design," then you're probably more a video game fan then you are a comic one, and now that the schedule for the Mignola-verse puts out enough content that you aren't missing the characters for months at a time, this shit is getting played out.  Anyway, can you read the title?  It's about a hunting trip that Hellboy goes on, only to find out that he's the one they're hunting.  Oh shit I never saw that coming.

The New Avengers # 47
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Billy Tan, Michael Gaydos, Matt Banning & Justin Ponsor
Published by Marvel Comics

There's got to be somebody out there in the land of message boards who sits around complaining every time a comic comes out with a cover having nothing to do with the story that it contains, if there isn't, it's probably because they drowned in an ocean of vomit and tears over the recent period of time where the New & Mighty Avengers kept putting out issues where the cover seemed be getting pulled from the file where artists keep commissioned sketches that the buyer never paid for.  Here we go, this one is about Hawkeye, see--he's the biggest character on the cover!  Definitely about him.  If anything, the issue's A-plot is about him and the B-plot is about all the other people who only appear in creepy head version.  Has to be, right?  Oh that's right, covers are meaningless, doesn't matter what's on them.  It's not like they need to attract prospective buyers, hey, if you don't know that an issue of New Avengers with Hawkeye on the cover has nothing to do with Hawkeye or, really, any of the New Avengers bar one of them, then you aren't the audience Marvel wants in the first place.  Nope, this is just another issue of Alias bookended by Billy Tan's weird conceptual art showcasing his idea of what it looks like when human beings experience feelings.  It's an interesting adventure in psychology--in Billy Tan's world, when a man sees his child's diaper after a particularly rough delivery of the shit, his response is more then just one of revulsion, it's one of homicidal fury.  Sure, that makes sense.  Because that's what new dads do, you know?  They look at their child's feces and immediately think "Man, I should really kill this baby.  Hope nobody is looking at my face right now.  It's totally obvious what I'm thinking."  The best part is that when you accept that reading of the first page, you get a hell of a lot more enjoyment out of the last, which is a full page shot of Luke Cage looking at the reader as if to say "Holy shit, I think somebody heard what I was thinking about killing my shitty baby."

The Punisher X-Mas Special # 1
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Roland Boschi & Daniel Brown
Published by Marvel MAX

If you're going to tell the story of the birth of a child in a manger, and you're going to tell that in Punisher MAX, then you're going to have to do some pretty nasty shit or else everybody is going to call you a pussy.  It's probably best to take that mentality into account when you dive into The Punisher X-Mas Special, because that's what you'll find Jason Aaron doing here--you've got somebody using a machine-gun to kill what appears to be 10 or 11 infants as they sleep away their first Christmas in hospital cribs, which is something that will probably give more then a few people cause for concern.  Of course, those guys get taken out by Frank Castle pretty quickly, but still:  machine gunning sleeping babies.  That's always going to be the money shot, which means the rest of the comic is just going to be angry sweat-fucking for the rest of the issue, and you're going to spend most of the time reading it wondering if Jason Aaron can get it up again and provide more facepaint.  He sort of does, mostly because Castle shoots a woman right in the head right after she gives birth, and before he does that, he doesn't even heed her last request--which is just to see her baby before she dies.  So yeah, he pulled a two-fer.  Good for him, must eat a lot of oranges.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Comments

[Jog]

Eh, Haunted Tank wasn't loony enough for me... too much would-be dramatic chit-chat, not enough crazy-ass time travel culture clash... the title page was kind of amazing, though!

I also liked it when the ghost horse bowed in introduction, since I think it pays for a ghost horse to be polite.

[Sean Witzke]

Wow, I'm gonna have to get that Punisher Xmas Special. I picked up Aaron's Ghost Rider on your recommendation and loved it. It's like Dragonball Z but somehow well written. Just pathos and a big fuckoff fight scene.
And you're right about Vertigo - there one issue of Young Liars I've read is about redneck martian spiders raping their six-year old human daughter. Now, if they just hired some decent colorists they'd be all set.

[Tucker Stone]

Jog: Well, the execution of these wacky ass vertigo mini's leaves a little to be desired, but give 'em time! With these kind of concepts, that golden age of "i can't believe i like this" could just be around the corner.

Sean: up to you on that one--god, that was one mean comic. Merry Christmas, ya'll. Here's a dead baby!

[Kenny]

That's Secret Invasion for you, a
comic that never took the time to ask
"should there be something happening
this story, or are we fine just
publishing something that's little
more then an idea for a story?"

I think that can be said of every single superhero comic published by Marvel and DC and some of the non-superhero comics, too. They're not even pretending to try anymore, they just slap some pages together featuring a corporate IP and then publish it to a guaranteed 15,000 sales. At least Marvel has an excuse, they're a movie studio first, but what's DC's excuse? Why are the stockholders not rioting over this? What excuse is there for a Batman comic not being sold to every child in America? Don't tell me the audience isn't there, because it's there for Naruto.

[Strannik]

"Don't tell me the audience isn't there, because it's there for Naruto."

Because the kids who like reading a (relatively) recently published Japanese comic book about the adventures of (mostly) super-powered adolescent ninjas would surely enjoy reading American comic book featuring a nominally non-powered character that has been starring in a comic book that has been published since before their grandparents were alive. And surely, the kids that would enjoy something based on it's creator's unique voice over a corporate template saddled with hundreds of interpretations that don't really add up to anything substantial.

I am not saying that kids can't like Batman - the success of the various cartoons and films demonstrates that they very much can. However, I have to take issue with an idea that they have to like the comic book those interpretations are based on, because, gosh darn it, this is the way it always was so this is the way it has to be.

[Kenny]

Strannik,

I'm very unclear how you're getting from A to B. The point you're argueing against is not the point I'm making at all.

I'm not saying kids should be buying Batman comics the way they're published now because that's the way it's always been.

My point is simply if there's a market for Naruto comics then there's the potential for a market for Batman comics. The old chestnut when looking at the low sales numbers for comics used to be kids would rather play video games than read. That's simply not true and we can see that with the success of manga.

Batman's appeal to kids is well established. Kids go crazy for the toys, cartoons, movies, underwear, everything. So why do we just accept they'll hate even well done comics and let the comics only sell to the babymen who will buy anything with a trademark on it?

Why is Warner content with DC not trying? Why are the stockholders content with DC not trying? What possible excuse is there? There's a market, DC has corporate IPs with household names, so why aren't they trying to reach that market? That's what I'm saying. The market exists, but Warner is perfectly happy with DC not trying.

[Tucker Stone]

The reason why Warner doesn't care about the comics is because they don't view the comics as being something worth their time to fix. I'd imagine that DC can get by paying the salaries they have to pay without bugging Warner, and Warner seems content to leave them alone as long as they do that. Shareholders probably don't care because it would take DC increasing their profits on an exponential scale for it to impact share pricing. Even if every book DC published doubled in sales tomorrow, I'd imagine the impact on overall profit for the entire Time Warner conglomerate would still be negligible. As long as they can provide the occasional IP for a movie or a toy, there's no reason for corporate people to waste their time helping comics, not when that time is more profitably spent elsewhere in the Time Warner empire.

[Strannik]

Kenny:

It seems that I misunderstood your point. My apologies.

In response to what you actually said, I have to agree with Tucker Stone - Time Warner doesn't have much incentive to help DC Comics, or to do anything to change the current status quo. If anything, it seems be working alright for both parties, so why temper with (what is in their view) perfection.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Yeah, Kenny said "babymen"! Awesome!

Yeah, that Punisher thing was really fucking mean, wasn't it? I think the baby-killing shocked me enough that I totally missed the whole nativity theme until I read Jog's review. I feel dumb sometimes.

Great review of both Batman and New Avengers, by the way. You make me laugh, Tucker.