Television Of The Weak: You're Goddamn Right We're Doing This

This week: American Idol, 24, Top Chef and The Bad Girls Club.

American Idol – Phoenix, Arizona

One of the best, and most unspoken, innovations of reality TV is its ability to capture those moments of human interaction so weird that, if you were to script it, no one would buy it. This makes the cross-section of Americans who love the opening weeks of American Idol but turn down their noses at, say, Flavor of Love 2 a bunch of mongrel hypocrites, because there’s not a whole lot of emotional distance between watching someone humiliate himself by incorporating “tap-incorporated moves” and “JROTC drill team dancing” into his audition rendition of “The Way You Make Me Feel” and watching some poor, desperate chick shit on the floor. The success of this kind of programming can then be easily measured by dividing the number of jaw-dropping moments by the length of the program, and this is why Bad Girls Club is unequivocally a better show than American Idol. 

The secret genius of American Idol, however, is that it traffics in moments than gain value after the show is over—in reflection and discussion (though “reflection” and “discussion” might be too lofty as words to use to describe what people actually do after the show.)  American Idol is the definition of a water-cooler show, one that thrives on the community around it for its success—and on that account, it has everyone else licked. By now the parade of freakshows is old news. Watching AI scramble to hold on to or increase its dwindling audience is relatively compelling, especially when the strategies include adding a new judge, songwriter Kara DioGuardi—who, in order to convince an auditioner that their audition sucks, sings the song herself, only to be told by another judge that the auditioner was better. Elsewhere, Simon delights in the shamelessly egotistical Emily “Making It to Hollywood is a Confirmation of Everything I Believe About Myself” Hughes—who has to give her bandmates the shaft as they get ready to embark on a European tour in order to compete in Hollywood—for choosing AI over “friendship” and “loyalty.” I don’t seem to remember American Idol openly promoting what horrible people their contestants secretly are, but maybe they’re setting her up to take a fall in Hollywood week. Later, Simon and co. blatantly rubberstamped two sub-par singers through to Hollywood—one because she wore a bikini all day, one because they liked her personality—which openly suggests AI as a congeniality contest more than the “singing competition” they constantly remind people it is. 

And, okay, the freakshow element wasn’t so bad either. The primary goal of shows like this—and The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm and Rock of Love Bus—is to make its viewers feel weird. Schadenfreude!  For that, you get a dude who almost hyperventilates from nerves before singing a Carrie Underwood song like a Gremlin that got water poured on it—and then topping it by singing a Kara DioGuardi song even worse all up in her face.  You get a dude that calls himself X-Ray who dances like an episode of Gumby on fast-forward.  And you get a guy in a bandana and a wig who can’t stop crying. Plus, Ryan Seacrest tries to high-five a blind guy. 

Top Chef – Down on the Farm 

A couple of weeks ago, it was Christmastime in Top Chef World. The players had to cook meals themed along the lines of the twelve days of Christmas.  The producers worked so hard to convince us that the show was taking place in real time, that they spliced footage of holiday decorations in Whole Foods with the actual footage of the Top Chefs shopping in August.  Now, it’s summertime in Top Chef World, as the chefs have to cook a seasonal lunch for a bunch of farm workers—and one team gets lambasted for the egregious error of making a soup.  Soup!  Look: Typically, this kind of timeline-skewing random weather generation wouldn’t be a big deal—but, in terms of dramatic conflict, it’s all we have.  This season’s cast seems talented enough—most of the final 8 seem like fully capable chefs, with even the quirky, awesome nutcase Carla pounding out a slammin’ desert crust every week—but they definitely don’t step their collective game up for the challenges.  This week, they travel to a farm in upstate New York to cook with all fresh ingredients, and only one dude thinks to create a farm-inspired dish.  On the other hand, these guys can’t even fail well—the biggest disaster being poorly tied lamb.  Remember last season when someone thought that combining peanut butter and tomatoes was not only a good idea, but would win them a challenge?  That’s the kind of big, wrong thinking we need.  Until then, watching the weather change from episode to episode will have to pass as dramatic. 

24 – 8:00 AM – 10:00 AM

First up--we're calling some type of zombie holocaust or vampire invasion in 24's future.  The return of a dead character and the decision for the remnants of CTU to form a new A-Team (complete with panel van and crusty white-haired general) are merely the first steps in the direction that should have been taken before the miserable sixth season, wherein 24 embraces it's basic nature--unblinkingly ridiculous action surrounding a bad ass Jack Bauer, who carries a messenger bag-cum-arsenal, is never far enough away from the Next Right Move, and is pretty much incapable of failure.  Shorn of the niceties of family or lover, thrown back into his wild world of kill 'em all Raw Dogs, Jack is back, and he's still capable of the one-punch knockout, he's still willing to drop the hurt (and he's not sorry about that), and he's never met an organization he trusts.

Oh, let's get this out of the way:  24: Redemption was a piece of shit.  It's pretty clear now what season 7 was originally going to be--the first hours of the season are always the only part where the writers haven't found the corner they'll live in for the last seven episodes are so, and it was widely reported on (two years ago) that the producers were planning to shoot this entire season in Africa until "other concerns" forced them to scrap the entire plan.  What was left of those African ideas--the genocidal civil war in a non-descript African country (similar in politics to Rwanda, but somewhat more advanced in terms of weaponry), the evil white American corporate types who seek to profit from the conflict--is clearly still being incorporated, except now the action will be taking place in Washington DC, a welcome break for those of us tired of Los Angeles based storylines centered around whatever industrial park the CTU building was in.  Unfortunately, that means that actors like Tony "Candyman" Todd get stuck barking orders at whatever random extras have been hired (pennies a day, you can be sure) for him to bark at. Fortunately, it means that the likelihood of creepy and racist storytelling devices (as well as another non-stop stream of terrible child actors like the ones who babbled banalities in the Sangala-set Redemption special) is somewhat lessened.  There's still potential for some ugly controversy, considering that Rwanda is currently making the sorts of accusations of the French government that could probably be leveled at the cabal of evil running the behind the scenes treachery in 24's White House.  Then again--it's 24, and they've never met a white chick besides Chloe that they didn't want to mindfuck into oblivion and/or death.  You can't expect subtlety from a show that treats every conflict as an opportunity to blow a hole into the floor, and you shouldn't think that it'll be backed up with some kind of philosophical meaning either.

But that's all stage setting, and much like the various sequences involving Janeane Garofalo:  who gives a fuck?  It's Jack versus Tony, and although we all know that you're supposed to do naked tai chi before you pretend to be air traffic control, it's still a great couple of episodes containing all the nastiness that's been missing.  There's the hatchet-faced Scottish guy, getting shot on his couch!  There's the dude from the 70's Show, missing his opportunity to blame Jack Bauer for the world's evil!  Hey, it's already over, and now Kiefer Sutherland is talking about malaria like it's Idol Gives Back!

24 – 10:00 AM – 12:00 PM 

You know the saying about how every writer only tells one story? Well, 24 is the perfect example of that in the best possible way. When you pick up an Agatha Christie book, you expect there to be murder, a detective, clues, suspects and a surprising reveal at the end. The way Christie uses all the familiar elements in a unique framework dictates the whether the book is engaging or rote—it’s genre writing, son. Each season of 24 promises some variation on a ticking time bomb, action, an intricate conspiracy, switching alliances, subterfuge, and a zany presidential family. Genre tropes in the hands of excellent creators become familiar and desirable head games. This season has all that shit (though, apparently, the conspiracy becomes less intricate if you watched last year’s The Facts of Life 24 Goes to Africa.) But, until it all gets unraveled, judgment of how good the season is will have to wait, and watching Jack Bauer shoot some motherfuckin FBI agents will have to substitute for critical analysis. However, there is one new element introduced to 24 this season: With CTU pared down to only Jack, Bill, Chloe and Tony, 24 finally has the ragtag band of lovable misfits it always secretly needed.

The Bad Girls Club: The Tipping Point

Previously on the Bad Girls Club:  Unimportant.  The girls drank too much and yelled at each other about various concerns, some created by reality, some by alcohol.  That's every week. 

The episode opens with Kayla (or Kasey, as she claims to prefer) mentioning, as she does weekly, that “I’ve always had issues with money and the law.”  To help pay her various "fines and tickets", the girls get together and go to a lingerie shop on Hollywood Boulevard, pick out various outfits that require the censors to occasionally blur their exposed buttocks, and stand in the street attempting to convince tourists and locals to purchase lingerie.  The "model" with the most sales will win an undisclosed amount of money.  After a little while, all of the girls tire of it and sit on the public sidewalk smoking, while still dressed in lingerie--all except Amber M, who is actually quite successful at attracting patrons to the store, as well as convincing them to purchase various items.  Near the end of the workday, Kayla decides that she doesn't want Amber M to win, since Kayla needs money for her legal fees.  She purchases lingerie for herself, believing that by purchasing items she will pump up her own sales figures, which at this point are at zero.  Amber M is standing there when she does this, and ends up purchasing some lingerie herself, infuriated that Kayla would try to cheat at the competition.  It turns out not to matter, as the shopowner has decided that self-purchased items don't apply to sales totals.  Amber M wins $300.

Kayla is very upset by this.  (This becomes more important later in the show.)

On the drive back, Amber M asks Kayla what her tickets are for. 

Kayla's response is that she could be in “federal prison” for using “fake bills” to buy Marc Jacobs boots and than returning the boots for real money.  The girls in the car find this disgusting. 

Later, Tiffany is on the phone with her boyfriend "Skeet" who hasn’t called her in two days.  Upon asking him what he was doing, as he seems distracted over the phone, he responds “Smoking this blunt and cleaning my gat.”  This is either true or a common joke, as Tiffany seems unsurprised.  She ends this particularly heated conversation by accusing "Skeet" of having sex while on the phone with her and telling him to "keep smoking that blunt."

In a follow up confessional, she admits that Skeet has “never had a job.”  She decides to go and “talk to Marcus” who is some random man she has become friends with recently.

Whitney--the girl who is constantly referring to Boston--recieves an email that her friend Alex has passed away in a car accident.  She has missed the funeral.  She is experiencing grief. She decides to get drunk.  She informs the camera that she does “not want to show any signs of weakness.”  It is not made clear why this is so important to her, as the Bad Girls Club has no real competition or purpose beyond the girls getting drunk, being sexually promiscous, and screaming at each other.  However, Whitney does decide to go to the club with the girls and get extremely drunk.  (This is where it is mentioned that the girls are provided with a limo for their social activities every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.  They predominately use this service to take them to clubs.)  While drunk, Whitney is aggressively telling anyone who will listen that she is "a big fucking deal" and that they should give her "1000 fliers" so that their club can "get fucking crazy."  When confronted in the street by Sarah that her behavior seems to be stemming from her attempts to ignore her grief, Whitney responds "I'm from Boston!  Nobody cries from Boston!"

Sarah's responds to this by pointing out that Whitney is not "made of stone" as well as mentioning that it does not matter if Whitney is from Boston or not, and then adds "or from Compton" to make her point that much more clear.

At this, Whitney finally breaks down sobbing.  She informs us later in a confessional what a magnificient breakthru this was, and by the wee hours of the morning--less than 12 hours after discovering the death of her friend--she claims to have worked through her grief.  "It sucks, but you have to go on."

Back at the house, Tiffany and Marcus have been taking a jacuzzi together while the girls were at the club.  Upon their return, they find the door locked and both Tiffany and Marcus nude, covered only in towels, requiring the censor to once again blur various ass and vaginal shots (all from Tiffany--Marcus seems to know how to wear a towel correctly).  Despite her protestations that "nothing happened", the roommates believe that Tiffany has cheated on "Skeet" with Marcus.  (This calls back to last weeks episode, where Amber B got fucked from behind in a room that has a night vision camera, left the condom wrapper on the bedroom floor, and still claimed to not have had sex with the gentleman who had just left the following morning.  In her defense, she had only discovered the night before that said gentleman had a live-in girlfriend at his apartment.)

The next day, the girls go to take a class on self-defense for the purpose of fighting off guys on the street and, according to one of the girls "bad bosses."  The gentleman teaching the class is wearing a lot of pads and a gigantic helmet and resembles a cartoon character.  The girls take turns kicking him and knocking him down.  After all the intimidation that Kayla has thrown at the girls, as well as her constant threats of physical violence, they enjoy watching her not do well in the class.

The girls decide to go to a "black club."  This information is delivered when Amber M asks Kayla and Tiffany--the only African-American women in the house--if she, Amber M, will be allowed into "a black club."  The girls find this amusing, and Amber B says "This isn't the 1920's", implying a strange understanding of historical American racial politics.

Almost immediately upon arriving at the club, the two Ambers end up in some sort of argument in the bathroom with "eight bitches", one of whom grabs Amber M by the throat while calling her and Amber B "nigger bitches...who can't have our black men."  Although Amber M seems to have found the situation very amusing, Kayla and Tiffany are immediately incensed and wish to fight.  Kayla wants to find this person and “fuck her up.”

The editing is very confusing, as now the girls are in the street yelling at various black women who have their faces blurred out while random bouncers and Marcus continuously try to defuse the situation.  As talking becomes rapidly moot due to the constant screaming of threats, the men begin picking up the girls and trying to move them down the street.  Meanwhile, Amber M is making Sarah hold everybodies purse and she mentions to the camera "I'm in a streetfight but I'm really worried about our purses.  It has all our money in it."

Most of the girls have exhausted themselves, except for the usually reserved Tiffany.  She begins to scream that she "is from Chicago..and she is ready to hurt somebody.”  The limos have returned, and right before all the girls get into them, one of the various blurred face women says "You about to get your ass busted on tv."  Tiffany climbs on top of the limo and stands there yelling "I ain't on TV in Chicago.  Bitch!"  She repeats this statement four times.  Then she makes the shape of a C with her hands and yells "Chi-town" four or five times in a row.  Marcus, who is more concerned with her falling off the limo than her city of origin, looks up at her and, in a normal speaking voice, asks "What are you doing?"

Upon returning to the house, Amber M, Kayla and Tiffany debate the nature of using violence to solve ones problems.  Amber M doesn’t believe that she needed to resort to violence to deal with the choking in the bathroom episode, but confesses that she did beat up a handicapped man “in self-defense.”  (Amber M continues her story, revealing that she believes "self-defense" applies when a man in a wheelchair throws his drink on you.  She also claims that she jumped up and stomped on this man's genitals, which seems to be something beyond her physical capabilities, as she is the size of a can of Pringles.)  Kayla believes that "this bitch better wake up."

Amber M closes the conversation with the statement “if I have to step up on it, I will.”

Amber B nods vigorously and says "we will roll up on it.”  Tiffany shakes her head in disbelief.

Marcus has been ignoring Tiffany’s calls in the wee hours after returning from the debacle at the club.  He’s disappointed in her behavior.  When she finally speaks to him, she immediately apologizes and he responds “I didn’t like it.  I will talk to you later.”   He does not call her back.  Tiffany is upset, but the next morning believes that Marcus is just missing out on “a great girl” and she is being “too hard on herself.”  So she goes and calls "Skeet" to tell him about fooling around with Marcus.  In the confessional, she refers to "Skeet" as a “safety net” that she plans to return too and claims she has no intention of “disrespecting him.”  (Apparently the nude towel incident, jacuzzi, and various acts of intimacy she has initated with Marcus do not count as "disrespect" despite them appearing on television.)

The girls decide that they will hang out in smaller groups that evening to “avoid the negativity.”  The two Ambers and Kayla are in one car, Sarah, Tiffany, Ailea and Whitney in the other.  The Boston crew is hanging out at a trashy bar that is nearly empty and getting completely shitfaced.  The two Ambers and Kayla are eating at a fancy restaurant which is, except for them and the waitstaff, completely empty.

Back at the trashy bar, Sarah excitedly proclaims “We get to do body shots of hot guys!  He takes off his shirt and my panties get wet.”  Tiffany just wants to party and not worry about the excess drama with Marcus and Skeet.  Interestingly enough, all of the problems from Marcus and Skeet stem from Tiffany's definition of the word "partying," but she fails to mention the irony.

Kayla is irritated that she is being expected to tip 20% at a restaurant that is so empty, and this instigates a minor conflict with the two Ambers.  The discussion continues, with Amber M telling Kayla that she is "being retarded" and "being crazy".  Kayla continously demands that Amber M "let it go" and "let the shit go" and "this shit is over, let it go" while Amber M keeps getting in her face about it.  It is not completely clear what the actual conflict is--Amber M never really says anything beyond "we are going to talk about this" while Kayla repeats the aforementioned phrases.  In the car, Amber M is not wearing her seat belt and leaning over into Kayla's face (who is in the back of the van) while Amber B drives.  Amber B drives while texting on what appears to be a Sidekick, which so fully engrosses her that she nearly runs a few red lights.  At some point, it appears that Kayla attempts to get Amber M out of her face by pushing her, but it's difficult to discern, as Amber M has the tendency to stick her hands out a lot when she argues.  Either way, this turns into a minor slap fight, and Amber M orders Amber B to pull over so they can fight.  She does, and Amber M gets out, opens the back door, and eventually, after a lot of screaming, Kayla kicks Amber B, although the kick appears to be very, very minor and only designed so that, once again, Amber M will get out of Kayla's face.  This results in an actual fight, with punches and slaps and pushes, and then the girls are collapsed into the van, choking each other so hard that it cuts off their ability to speak, notably Kayla.

The cameramen do nothing.

Amber B, finally realizing that this has gone over the line, despite "over the line" being the purpose of the show, begins screaming at them to "stop it, you guys" and finally gets the two girls to let go.  (However, it is cut in such a way that it is highly probable that the producers or cameramen had to get involved, as the girls seemed totally nonresponsive to Amber B.)

The arguing resumes back at the house, with Amber M and Amber B easily manipulating the situation into one where they are completely innnocent and Kayla is completely insane.  Kayla, while angry, takes this in stride, as she has already decided that it is time for her to go.

Whitney mentions that the only rule in the house is that you never touch anyone.

In next weeks episode, it appears that Whitney will forget this.

-Marty Brown & Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Sean Witzke]

a) You guys are completely fucking insane for writing that much about Bad Girls Club.

b) I really, really want 24 to get up to season 10, and I want that season to be something like the bastard child of Mamet's Spartan and Mad Max.

[Benjamin Myers]

That Amber M is so kooky! I can't get enough!

Jack Bauer has had the longest week of his life, I don't think he's slept for the entire time. Meth is a helluva drug.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Oh, you sons of bitches, talking about American Idol. I hate that show with the white-hot fury of a thousand suns. I suppose I can understand the appeal of the early, make fun of untalented idiots, stuff, but good god is the whole thing a bunch of painfully bad, no-talent crapitude. Every time it starts up again, I get into angry arguments with my wife, who is a big fan, because it pisses me off so much that she watches it. I don't think it's really the case anymore, but she used to be really into music, the way I am into movies or comics or whatever, so I usually deferred to her when it came to music, trusting that she knew what she was talking about when she liked a band or said music was not very good. But when she became a fan of that show, I told her I no longer respected her taste in music, and I maintain that. If she can watch that crap and actually believe any of those no-talent jerks are worth listening to, nothing she has to say about music is worth listening to. Take that! Yeah, she still watches it though. I guess I'm not as influential as I thought, even with her.

As for this Bad Girls show, I have never heard of it before. My reaction is: What the fuck? What is even the premise of this thing, get a bunch of skanky chicks to live together and then watch in disbelief? Wow. Sounds like fun, I guess, especially if you want to reaffirm your belief that humanity deserves anything bad that ever happens to it. Shit, it's like the thing was designed to make people want to go on Grand Theft Auto-like rampages, killing everybody they see. Or so it seems to me, judging by the description. Maybe I would feel different if I actually watched it, but I suspect my inclination would be to shoot myself in the head.

[Tucker Stone]

I don't think "skanks" really covers it. Skank is something you can become, something you can change. Whatever these ladies are--this shit doesn't go away. It's a different level of sociopathy entirely.

[david brothers]

Y'all are insane, man. I watch like three TV shows regularly (The Office, 30 Rock, My Name is Earl), not counting the occasional cartoon, and all of those up there sound amazingly bad.

I'm even pickier with my TV than I am with my comics.

[STORM]

OMG, your write up of The Bad GIrls Club was the most entertaining thing I've read online all day! I don't watch any TV, but I'm sure if I did, that this is the kind of thing that I'd have to turn off after the first 15 minutes. However, the play by play partnered with the wry comments is truly addictive. It's funny, sad and maybe a bit depressing, but somehow you've elevated this kind of schlock with your writing to something resembling an art form. Thanks for the laughs!

[Tucker Stone]

Thanks a lot Storm! We figured Bad Girls Club wasn't a show that requires a lot of editorializing: just a stark portrayal of what happens. All quotes are verbatim, and, best of all, none are taken out of context.

And David: Does your television only work on Thursday nights?

[david brothers]

There is a good chance that I am, in fact, a filthy pirate and download my tv shows when I can't get them on DVD.

I had cable for all of 2007, then realized I only ever watched it when college football was on, so I ditched it.

[Tom McHenry]

Just a lovely piece of work there on the Bad Girls Club bit. The madness of the show expressed in simple declarative sentences. I wept. Please continue.