The Virgin Read: Anita Blake Was Bought For Her Because It Was Assumed She Would Hate It

Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse Book One # 4
Written by Laurell K. Hamilton
Adapted by Jess Ruffner
Art by Ron Lim & Joel Seguin
Produced by Anthony Dial
Published by Marvel Comics

Before I start addressing this actual comic book, I must address the vampire culture.  To be more accurate, the culture of writing about vampires.  If you’re not interested in the little soap box, filled with soap, that I’m about to get on, just skip on down a few paragraphs and I assure you that you’ll find all my thoughts and feelings about Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse Book One # 4, wow, that is a not very good title.

While reading this I kept thinking, “what’s with all the vampire love all of the sudden?”  Oh, but then I remembered that there’s nothing "sudden" about it.  It only seems sudden to me because I’m just now catching up on Buffy The Vampire Slayer (the TV series), and then about to venture onto Angel, something I have to do all by myself with no support whatsoever despite how nice I am to read all these comic books for over a year while writing these dumb reviews, no support, none at all. 

So, yeah:  Buffy and Angel were a big deal years ago, I'm late to the party and the only people left--oh, I don't know if I want to talk to them.  But I seem to remember that even prior to that, Anne Rice had been (and still is?) enjoying a long ride on the vampire train.  I'm sure if I really wanted to research it, which I don't, and won't, but if I did, I’m sure I’d find that this fascination with vampires and the compulsion to make up stories about them reaches far, far, far back.  Even further back then the Dracula movie with Gary Oldman, I’m guessing.  Oh, and then there's that latest craze – Twilight.  Which, sure, yeah.  If you say the movie’s great, I’ll believe you.  Why would you lie?  I could NOT get through the book.  And it wasn't because I was mercilessly ridiculed in my own home, even though I was.  It wasn't due to lack of trying.  Let’s face it though, that thing was written for teenagers and people who live in caves.  It's full of the angsty lust that teenagers and cave people live for.  I’ve lived through that, and I don’t enjoy reading it.  Don't get me wrong: back in the day, I read a lot about the Wakefield twins at Sweet Valley High.  I think the whole Twilight thing is just a darker, edgier version of that.  That's fine.  Pasty people should have romance novels too, whatever gets them breeding.

ANYHOW.  As usual, I’ve gotten off point, and this still isn't about Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse Book One # 4.  So let me get to the point, so we can get to...that.

If there is such a long and lengthy history of writing about vampires, and some deeply held beliefs about these myths and legends, why do people feel the need to rewrite it?  I mean, not the story.  It's always neat to put a new twist on an old story.  But the rules, people.  You have to follow the rules.  You can’t make up new ones.  I’m starting to get really confused.

Via Buffy, I feel like I've learned a few.  But they’re vague, and I think they are intentionally kept vague.  Nevertheless, I think some of these Writers of Vampire Stories need to meet up in some kind of group and decide on a few key things before going on.  Because I always thought that if you were bitten by a vampire – Bam!  You’re now a vampire!  But that isn't the case, apparently.  No?  I can’t quite figure it all out.  I mean, sometimes a vampire bites you and sucks your blood until you’re dead.  And then you’re just dead.  Bam?  Some bite you, suck your blood, and you become a vampire.  I’m not sure how the differentiation comes into play, but it does.  (It's up to the vampire?)  But they can also bite you, suck your blood, but not ALL of your blood.  If that happens, well, you’re still okay.  You know, because Angel did that to Buffy.  I rooted for that.  He left some blood in her, so she neither died nor became a vampire. 

Bam!

So, these are things I…know to be true?  True for me. As far as I know that’s what all you need to know about vampire bites.  But there's other questions for me.  Here’s another.  So, vampires are dead, right.  (Undead?)  They drink blood.  Got that.  But I didn’t think they had blood running through them anymore, right?  So, how come when Spike is punched (on Buffy) he bleeds?  Television faux pas?  Misinformation on my part?  All right.  That was just a complete digression.  Back to the point of vampire bites and the rules.

That's how we end up back at...I'm not typing that whole thing again.  Anita Blake, let's call it that.

When she’s--please don't tell me you need to know how "she" is--meeting with Jean Claude, a.k.a. The Master Vampire, face-to-face, there’s this whole question of whether or not she’s his human servant because she has two of his "vampire marks.”  She says, “I thought having two of your Vampire marks meant you couldn’t control my mind.”

People, this is what I’m talking about.  WHAT?!  When did this enter the rule book?  Where did this vampire fact come from?  Is it written somewhere that “having two or less vampire marks on your person means that the vampire cannot control you.  However, after three, you are under their spell.” 

No.  NO!  I mean, according to the little I know, all of which is obviously from Buffy, but still, I know it, it was only Dracula who has the whole mind control thing.  What are “two marks” anyway?  Two bite marks?  Two tooth marks?  How did she get them?  Was there a sale?  Why would she be like, “ummmm…okay.  You can totally give me two marks, but like, THAT’S ALL!” 

You know what’s even more hilarious than all that confusion?  Anita and this Master Vampire fellow are drawn exactly the same.  Seriously.  Go back and look, if you have a copy.  If not, just trust me, don't buy this or anything.  Same hair.  Same features.  He’s just colored bright white. He seems to be borrowing the Incredible Hulk’s trunk.  Nevertheless, Anita and this guy are like twins!

Let’s back up and talk about some of the other, um,  features of this comic.  Something needs to be explained to someone.  And that something is:  this is a comic book.  That means a lot of it can be drawn.  There doesn’t need to be this many word balloons because a lot of the action, intention and motive can be drawn – in fact, you already have pictures on the page for the purpose of doing just that!  Novel idea, huh?  Comic books = words and pictures together!  Do we need a close up of Anita, then a frame of her and the reporter/werewolf together, and then a close up of just the reporter?  There’s all these frames and all this dialog of them simply having a conversation.  It could have been one large (boring) full page panel of them having a conversation with all the dialog on it.  No need for so many frames when its just picture after picture of them having a conversation.  Snoozefest!

  Alternatively: you could cut down on the dialog, let the artist handle the whole emotional content as best he can, and there, now you have something that isn't as boring!

You're still going to have this dialog, though.  And it's...oh no. Entire streams of banter take place, only to be completely negated later by another stream of banter.   For instance, at the same bar sequence.  What’s up with the bartender?  At first he’s like – "The Master wants to see you, everyone is supposed to tell you that," so “don’t let this get out of hand, Anita, just talk to him, no harm.”  Then, just one page of too much dialogue and too many frames later, in front of the Bartender, she’s telling Irving to give her “the highlights and let me get the hell out of the district before the Master hunts me up,” the Bartender says to Irving, “Help her out. Get out of here.”

Wait.  Didn’t we just have an entire page of you telling her to just go and see the Master "right now"?  Why are you all of a sudden saying, “Dude, help her get out of here before the Master finds her.”  What?  Nothing happened to change the bartenders mind.  No new information was disclosed.  He just says one thing, and then stands there, and then says something different.  2 + 2 = 4, except in five minutes.  Now 2 + 2 = 17.  No reason behind it, no acknowledgment that he's completely changed his mind.  The thing is, it’s not just bad dialog.   It's horrible character development.  This kind of reversal happens over and over again, and besides making all of these characters hypocrites, it renders everything they say useless to the story.  Not only does this comic have all this dialog, none of the dialog is worth reading, because none of it applies to any part of the story beyond what's in each panel.  Am I supposed to just "enjoy" it in tiny little boxes?  You can't make a story out of this!  This is bad.  This is very bad.

Now, after the whole stupid encounter with her long lost vampire twin, we’re suddenly in a graveyard, getting the back story on who Anita is, what her power is, and uh-oh- something crazy happens that’s to be continued!  Do you know, I’ve read other comic books tin which entire issues could be derived from what are the last 3 or 4 pages of this book?

  I don't think they would have been good comic books, I'm not saying that.  But they would not have been this overstuffed with nonsense filled boxes of text.  They would have tried to draw some of what is talked about, at least, I hope they would have been.

Someone needs a serious editor.  Not because a serious editor would have gotten me to enjoy this--it's just too dumb, too ugly.  But if somebody had come along and figured out a way to make the artist draw more of this stuff, cut down all of this text, fit it so these people behave the same way from minute to minute--they would have at least have something that might have been an actual comic book.  Because whatever this thing is, it isn't that.

Oh, and what the hell is she wearing in the graveyard?  A fitted snowsuit or something?  Come on! I mean…..I can’t do this.

I just can’t go on. 

This comic was terrible. 

-Nina Stone, 2008

Comments

[Guy Smiley]

So where are you on the Buffy, anyway? My girlfriend and I finished the series last year (her first time through), and she still has a hole in her life.

Vampires: Prior to Anne Rice, most vampire stories were, you get bit and die, you is vampire now. Since then, coincident with the era of the mopey, feeeeeling vampire, they've added the idea (also used on Buffy) that you only become "infected" with vampirism if you drink the vamp's blood before you die. This mechanical stuff will come up prominently in a storyline on Angel ... season two.

I think making it harder to become a vampire is meant to help explain why we're not overrun by vampires. I figured that most vampires wake up under six feet of dirt and just re-die (undie?) in the box. But whatever.

Glad to know Anita Blake is every bit as bad as I ever expected. And hard to believe you get grief over your reading and viewing choices from a man who appears to buy Nightwing every month. You just hang in there, sister.

[nina]

I am on Season 5, Disc 2. Just watch Spike's whole history. That was kind of cool. Now I'm kind of rootin' for them to get together. Is that weird?

I'm so happy you've clarified the vamp thing for me. And I think you're right. If "they" didn't make it hard to become a Vampire, then the whole possible (far, far off, but possible?) plausibility of Vampires walking among us would be, well, an impossibility.
(Did what I just wrote make any sense? You know what I'm trying to say.)

As always, thanks for reading Guy! Let's talk more Buffy soon. :)

[Bill Reed]

Another excellent read as usual. I should really sit down and rewatch all my Buffy DVDs one of these months. Good times.

Also, yes, Anita Blake is so terrible a comic that one poor soul has dedicated himself to detailing just how terrible it is every month:

http://www.the-isb.com/?cat=91

No, I don't know how he manages.

[NoahB]

Buffy gets much, much, much worse. I warn you now.

Angel, though, actually gets better as it goes along, and the last season is great. I tried to convince Tucker of this. Apparently I failed....

[Tucker Stone]

Bill: Every issue of Anita Blake? That's some serious suffering. I can't figure out who would possibly enjoy this turd--the art is the most repetitive I've seen in a new comic, just a hair worse than Ed Benes JLA. I can't imagine plowing through these on a regular basis. I physically couldn't finish it.

Noah: The speed at which she's watching Buffy, I don't think I'll be able to give Angel a chance until sometime next year. She's not a big stay-up-all-night-to-finish-the-season lady. That is not a criticism.

[Guy Smiley]

Whoa -- Do not necessarily buy the "buffy gets worse" thing, Nina. When the show was actually on, I thought it kinda flagged in certain ways, and there was a lot of whining in the fanbase, but recently watching those last two seasons in condensed DVD time, I had a much greater appreciation. I think what Whedon and Co tried to do in those two seasons did not work as well stretched out a week or more between chapters, nine months to tell the whole season's story, but if you can go at a faster pace, it works much better.

This is just to tell you that your mileage may vary, so don't be discouraged. Always happy to talk Buffy -- keep us posted as you work through the seasons. At the rate I'm going (encouraging my girlfriend's new addiction to Battlestar Galactica), you'll catch up to me on Angel before I can finish Season Two.

By the way, I believe the Spike Backstory episode originally aired to blend seamlessly with that night's Angel episode, which filled in more backstory. Both eps stand alone, but if you want a little more, you could go ahead and rent the right Angel disc. Similarly, there are a couple Angel eps that I consider pretty important for continuing a character thread from Buffy Season 4, that you might want to watch before you get to Buffy Season 7. Not critical, but helpful. I can fill you in, unless you prefer just to have them wait for you as little surprises when you go through Angel.

[Matthew J. Brady]

It should be noted that Chris Sims is kind of a connoisseur of bad comics, even going so far as to continue to purchase Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose, which is much, much worse that Anita Blake could ever dream of being.

[Tia]

The comic book sound confusing. The book however, explains everything very clearly. I always kind thought it was creepy that Jean Claude is kinda feminine.

[Nadia]

OH MY GOD! I read the full Anita Blake series... I was young and lonely....don't blame me.
It was a guilty pleasure...hardy har har.

[Teaniah]

Don't know about the Comic but the book is awesome. The comic must not have made justice of the book.