Television Of The Weak: Worst Summer Ever?

This week we've got Entourage, The Mighty Boosh, True Blood and the last episode of a bad idea.

Entourage – “Drive” by Martin Brown

Things in the world of Entourage will never truly fall apart. The show is the slickest fantasy on television—no matter how bad things get for Vince and his posse, they always course correct by the end of the day/episode/season. But, by the same token, it’s the writer's job to push our boys as close to the brink of self-destruction as possible, so that course correction can be as extreme as possible. Last season, Vince’s career threatened to dry out entirely, putting his relationship with best friend/manager Eric in the crossfire; Turtle had to walk away from clipping Jamie-Lynn Sigler in order to accompany Vince on an indefinite recoup trip back to Queens; Ari was having problems with his agency; and Johnny Drama was still a loser. Then, in the last five minutes of the last episode of the season, Vince miraculously snagged a role in Martin Scorsese’s remake of The Great Gatsby, and everything instantly righted itself. A couple of years ago, Entourage was a straight-up feel-good comedy; in the midst of 2009’s dreary, ongoing economic meltdown, it could be straight-up propaganda.

“Drive,” the first episode of Entourage’s sixth season, begins with everyone living under even better circumstances: Vince has wrapped Gatsby and is getting ready to play the lead in a biopic about Enzo Ferrari; Eric has been on a hot streak with the ladies; Turtle and Jamie-Lynn are a legit couple; Johnny Drama’s television show is on and popping; and Ari doesn’t know “how things could get much better.” By the end of the episode, though, it’s apparent that Entourage is taking advantage of its characters’ happiness to explore a tricky, slippery part of the human experience—and one that the entertainment industry fucking loves—dissatisfaction within success. Over the course of “Drive” each of the three members of the entourage start working toward breaking away from being a Vince hanger-on. Eric finds a house of his own, Turtle starts putting some thoughts into what he wants to be when he grows up, and Johnny Drama is wrapped up in his show. To belabor the point even more, Ari’s assistant, Lloyd, wants a promotion. Everyone seems to be “maturing,” and if Vince, Turtle, Eric, and Johnny are over each other, where does that leave us?

Plotlines like these tend to be a metaphor for the writing process. Figuring out how to allow the characters to mature away from the endless party is a way to figure out how to allow the show to mature away from it. If the writers seem tired, they probably are, but at the beginning of each season it’s easy to forget that Entourage’s strength has never been its short game. The repartee has never been that clever, the romance subplots have always been vaguely skeevy, the pop culture references dated, the Hollywood commentary rote. But Entourage excels at the long game, and, with a show like this it’s supposed to be the other way around. Season Five began with the same sort of slow, brooding start as “Drive,” but the writers twisted the knife so slowly over the course of the season, that the culminating argument between Eric and Vince in the streets of Queens contained a year’s worth of emotional impact. (It appears to have had no real repercussions, but still.)

“Drive” ends with Vince sitting alone in his enormous house while each of his buddies carry on their individual lives away from him. It’s the type of trite Hollywood ending that Entourage loves to satirize, but odds are that it’s just a bait and switch—by the end of the season, the posse will inevitably be back together. But first, Season Six promises to be an experiment in how far they can drift apart before we lose interest.

The Mighty Boosh - "The Legend of Old Gregg" by Sean Witzke

"I don't know how to tell you this Howard but... you're a bit white."
"Who are you, Wesley Snipes?"

According to the schedule on Adult Swim's website, Ep 206 "The Legend of Old Gregg" has been switched with Ep 202 "The Priest and the Beast". Which makes some kind of sense - "Old Gregg" is one of the episodes that absolutely everyone loves. "The Priest and the Beast" is all kinds of strange - the Boosh don't actually appear in the episode, the entire thing is a flashback to Rudi Van Disarzio and Spider Dijon in the 60's, wandering around the Mexican desert looking for musical inspiration while adventuring in a town full of whores. And Alice Lowe!

The plot of this episode is simple - The Boosh play a show so terrible they get run out of town, so they go to a fishing village where everyone looks like extras from Straw Dogs. Lots of facial hair and wool sweaters. While there, Vince automatically becomes a local hero while Howard is kidnapped by a sentient half-man-half-fish. A local artist played by Rich Fulcher rents them a boat ( "I'm a local artist. I put shells on things!") and they go fishing in the middle of the night. Vince is a born fisherman, Howard cannot catch anything, until Old Gregg shows up and kidnaps him. Vince introduces the town to the Flirtini. Old Gregg tells Howard that he discovered the alien source of all funk, the Funk. (Defined as "funky ball of tits from outer space" in which Bootsy Collins derived his powers. His funky powers.) Old Gregg promises to give the Funk to Howard in exchange for marrying him. Vince, along with Naboo and Bollo, (both of whom are very high) save Howard in a submarine, stealing The Funk. They jam for the fisherman's tavern, funking their goddamn faces off, and Old Gregg stalks them as they return to the city, while wearing his new wedding dress. Mostly - Vince is the sane one, trying to do the right thing in this one. Howard is once again in a state of sexual terror. Naboo and Bollo spend the entire episode high and playing Pacman.

Cut - Vince talking shit about Howard in the van, calling him a horny Dalek. Naboo and Bollo smoking weed (not explicitly and only about half of it). The second moon clip, which was actually led into by pretty funny list of random facts. Yes, the moon is still here. Singing. Listen, it's funnier than Robot Chicken but what the fucking fuck, Adult Swim? You cut up "Mutants" but you'll leave "everybody look at the moon, everybody look at the moon"? The weird horror-movie flow to Gregg's stalking of Howard is sped up. "Love Games" is astounding - of course, the whole middle of it has been chopped out of it. Jesus fucking christ. Same for "Sea Funk", which is cut even more brutally. There's some cropping on the animated sequence, because a purple cock spurting black jizz on Rick Wakeman and the Bee Gees face is offensive? Hell, Rick Wakeman thought it was funny, who the fuck are you to disagree with Rick Wakeman, anonymous Adult Swim content editor? Dude wrote "Siberian Khatru", what have you done with your life?

So yeah - Old Gregg. Maybe the best minor character throughout all three seasons of The Mighty Boosh. He's a hermaphroditic man-fish. He wears a silver lamé jacket, a skinny tie, and a tutu. His face is green except for three layers of eyeshadow and five layers of lipstick. He talks like Rick James, only drinks Baileys, and paints watercolors. He has a "mangina" that is so pristine it glows. He's so lonely that he kidnaps Howard for no real reason other than him being there, starting off by asking him if he'd like to go to a club where people pee on each other. And yet again, someone tells Howard they're going to hurt him. There really isn't any wink-wink implication going on here... Gregg doesn't just want to fuck Howard, he wants him all to himself. Howard dismisses him until Gregg tells him that he either stays (and all that implies) or Gregg kills him. He then sweetens the deal, offering materialized musical genius in exchange for sex. Howard says yes and gets out of it right away - he's saved by his friends. But it's clear that Howard is so demeaned and self-hating that he'd basically become Gregg's sex toy just for people to like him. Who gives a shit, "Love Games" is profound. It's a straight classic, not just for Noel Fielding's funky rendition but Julian Barrat's Prince-style interjections. "I'm Old Gregg, mothafucka!"

True Blood - "Shake and Fingerpop" by Nina Stone

Okay, so something's started to happen. I get all excited that True Blood is on, and then once it's on, I start doing something else while I'm watching it. Like, I start playing Scrabble on my iPhone, or attempting to practice guitar.

What does that say about the show? That it's a little slow? That it's not really engaging me and keeping my attention. Is it me or is it True Blood? I don't play Scrabble on my iPhone when I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I can be engaged to specific tasks.

Honestly, I think the plot lines are really being dragged out. In the first season, by episode three there was already more death and hardcore sex (for 9pm on a Sunday) than I'd ever anticipated there being on a television show not closely related to 1am Cinemax. What has this much sex and death? (They had sex on Soprano's, but I can't recall a single time when it looked like something that regular people might be interested in having.) And let's be honest, that was a bit of the allure. This is a naughty show about vampires and sex and lust and sex and death and sex and death and SEX and death. Now it's all about mystery creatures, and mysterious abductions and all that jazz.

I'm still interested....but it really is starting to get a little boring. Reveal what Maryanne is already. And if you have a new killing animal-man thing, then it needed to have killed something this episode. Don't go taking yourself too seriously, True Blood. After all, at heart you're just a soap opera. Your shock and awe is what's kept us coming back for more. So, please get back to it. 

The fucking, I mean.

The Apprentice - Week Twelve

Saira versus Tim. Sound awesome? No, not really.

Paul "you fucking idiot", "fuck you" "fuck you"

I'm aww-allswawwy.

First time wants to do lap-dancing, then he does a fashion how with trubbery shit Saira is giving away free wine and selling wine. it ain't working.

....

For some pointless reason, I've actually taken notes every week when I've watched this show. I've never used them. Not once. I have no idea why I thought they'd be necessary, I just got in the habit of doing it when I watched the Bad Girls Club, which was a much better show that had a spit-take quote-worthy line every 37 seconds. The only thing that's ever been quotable from the entire season of the Apprentice UK was the line "I don't like asslickers", which is only said on the director's cut--yes, they actually call it that, as if fucking Terry Malick was sitting around, trying to get it just right--and I gave up on watching those director's cuts, because life's too short, and I've got shitty comic books to read. This week, the only notes I took were the sentences above. I figured I'd just leave them as a testament to how beaten down this show has made me.

After reading Mr. Brown's comment last week regarding the doldrums that is this dumbass program, and how that's All My Fault, I've come to terms with something: I really only like reality competition shows that involve Gordon Ramsay. Because really, there's nothing wrong with Apprentice UK, if anything, it's a show that seems concerned with integrity and fair play, and that's almost admirable. It's never going to delve into the sort of thing that might make it appeal more to someone like me, who can really only stand reality show contestants when getting to watch them struggle with the decision of how far they're willing to go for a shot of celebrity. I doubt we'll ever get to that glorious place where racist housewives from Maine are given katana swords and dumped into a cage with an intoxicated panda bear. There probably won't be a time when you see somebody as soul-destroying as that Kate woman from the "My uterus is an express lane, my mothering style a concentration camp" show being offered a choice between eating a dismembered foot or going down on Boris Yeltsin's corpse. Dreams. Dreams live on these. But there is no future. Mommy doesn't like you. We all die alone. There is no God.

Oh, Tim won. That was nice, I guess. He talked his way into it, since he failed to turn a profit in the final challenge. After Sir Alan Sugar said "you're hired" and Tim stood up to hug Saira, I hoped, for a brief second, that Sir Alan Sugar was going to Shang Tsung out and say "finish her", and then Tim would snap Saira's neck in his hand as easily as he could that of a baby bird.

No luck.

-Martin Brown, Nina Stone, Sean Witzke & Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Sean Witzke]

Nina - Dear god, is that Michelle Forbes?

Tucker - Bloodyfuckingyeah.

[Tucker Stone]

I didn't watch it, but yep, that's Michelle Forbes. Zeljko Ivanek is on there too, he's like the vampire mastermind, or the werewolf high priest, or maybe just a redneck bean farmer. I'll tune in when Harry Dean Stanton joins the cast.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Damn, Marty, you're rocking these TV reviews. The one for Burn Notice the other week was pretty great too. "The entertainment industry loves dissatisfaction with success": very true. That's one of those things that I've probably noticed before, but you saying that makes me sit up and shout "Goddamn, he's right!"

By the way, I didn't feel like writing about I Survived a Japanese Game Show this week, but here's the highlights: First game, teams snap each other in the stomach with bungee cords; pure chance. The second involves lots of paint being splattered all over the place, which is amusing. Elimination involves running on treadmills (and a pit of flour again. Why all the flour? Japan!); fat guy loses. Also, two of the more attractive contestants are apparently fucking, so expect more drama! That's about it.

[Marty]

Hey thanks, Matt Brady. That made my day.