Comics Of The Weak: Been Getting Money Since I Was A Mere Child
The Boys # 34 Written by Garth Ennis Art by Carlos Ezquerra Published by Dynamite Entertainment
Q: If Darick Robertson had handled more than the cover, would he have included something that took the joke past "look, it's like Bizarro, but Third Reich-y."
A: Probably not, and Carlos did okay. If there's one thing illustrating Judge Dredd teaches, it's how to pull off effective depictions of brutalization. "I have something caught in my boot. It is your eye juices."
In the eventual collection, the actual story here has a better chance of coming through--but as a single issue, all that "plot" nonsense involving evil corporate businessmen just gets in the way of another example of how World War 2 is a gold mine for fiction writers, and while Ennis goes to that well so many times that he should look into building one next to his toilet, everybody likes watching Nazis get stomped. Especially when one of the stompers is wearing an outfit that shows off his gigantic flaccid penis.
Invincible Iron Man # 17
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Salvador Larroca
Published by Marvel Comics
It's pretty much accepted that one of the biggest factors behind the creation of shitty, horrible super-hero comics that are only readable as story point delivery systems in the long running role-playing game that is "guy reading a comic he probably outgrew years ago, life as art" is that so many of the people involved in making super-hero comics have an agenda that doesn't extend beyond "wouldn't it be fucking awesome, if?!!?" At the same time, that general "go fucking be fucking awesome, my weenus is so hard right now" attitude does allow for the actual publication of what is, at the end of the day, the tail end of comic shop shit-talk conversations. Case in point: an Iron Man story that is currently building up to the point where Tony Stark is crying because he made number two in his pants, and won't someone, anyone, maybe Pepper, because her breasticles "look like mummys", make him clean again?
Sweet Tooth # 1
By Jeff Lemire
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics
Aw shucks I went into the trees and found me my papa in the ring o firewall and i said gee papa why you sleeping so funny like yer made out of the rocks i put around the jerking space so i could throw em at the dirty snakes when they try to eat my salt maker by climbing up in my peehole you know whatimean papa yer all rock and cold like ima goan eat sum more trash i found on my thinking circle walk it makes me feel all dopey when i go to the giant wood stick when i comming back i hope you out of your sleeping table and ready to do more storytimes i leave the wax fire twigs here cuz i never close my saucer eyes and the moon colors reflect off em like the top of the wishing bucket lookee its a man with a gun maybe he gonna help me find where momma went too gee i hope so
Batman # 690
Written by Judd Winick
Art by Mark Bagley, Rob Hunter & Jack Purcell
Published by DC Comics
It's not like the proper Batman title hasn't been awful while its sister books flourished before, but really, has the gulf between ever been this extensive? Over in Morrison's Batman & Robin, there's a genuine bit of brilliance to be found in the portrayal of Damian, Detective sees the most generic of plots yet to be defeated by some continue-to-surpise art, and even Batman: Confidential--a title which has operated as "worst Bruce Wayne stories ever" for nearly three years running--has taken a shine of its own, due to Peter Milligan's reverence for 90's Batman stories. (Which happens to be, excluding that Resurrection of Ra's al Ghul trainwreck, the last time that Peter Milligan wrote any Batman stories.) And while Judd Winick's detractors remain as obnoxious as those in his fervant worship, the truth is pretty simple: this is a lousy, boring comic book about a smiling, moronic Batman who is struggling to deal with 2009's 900th iteration of "secret cabal of villains teaming up", it's structured in a haphazard "here's the end, here's five minutes ago, here's right before right now" fashion that annihilates the already shaky pacing the story's had since the beginning, and, of course, it's illustrated by Mark Bagley, who is about as far removed from the ideal Batman illustrator as Studs Terkel would be, if Studs was alive and/or could draw. (Even if Bagley wasn't being "assisted" by two inkers and the Big Two's hyperactive coloring squads, he draws "scary" at a grade school level, and even when Batman comics were being sold to grade school reader, it still looked fucking dark.) Of course, periods of shite Batman have been around before--it wasn't that long ago that the Dark Knight had to "fight" an earthquake, thus granting readers the opportunity to see the extent to which 20-something assistant editors don't understand the concept of non-horrible Batman stories. But right now? This is what it looks like at the absolute fucking bottom.
And here comes Tony Daniel.
Magog # 1
Written by Keith Giffen
Art by Howard Porter
Published by DC Comics
How to tell if Magog is for you:
-Did you ever wonder what it would be like if all of Frank Miller's Dark Knight style "It felt good. It felt right. It felt sexual. Sweat. I killed them. Didn't care. Had it coming. Good war. The war. Only war. There's a puppy. Puppy pup. Climb the stairs. Wash my hairs." type of dialog was pumped into a comic book with a fire hose?
-Are you really into watching professional wrestler types rip out a person's teeth, but not so into it that you want to see it drawn in a fashion that you might refer to as "skillful"?
-Have you heard about a place called Africa, but not heard enough to know who lives there and what they do, and won't mind if somebody told you the answer was "white guys in safari jackets and those Australian cowboy hats herding tribes of black people around with electronic slave jackets."
-Better hurry up! Rumor is that it was cancelled about four minutes after the idea was approved, i.e., when the people who approved it woke up the next morning and said Oh shit where the hell am I what do you mean Magog NOT AGAIN THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT DEAD ROMEO THING
Wednesday Comics # 9
By A Bunch Of Different People
Published by DC Comics
It turns out that Superman was being made depressed by alien science, as opposed to being depressed because he's in this shitty Superman story, which actually was a lot more believable.
Batman, Kamandi, Hawkman, Supergirl & Paul Pope Does What He Likes were all pretty good. Consistency counts!
Sergeant Rock finally got to shoot somebody, but he didn't shoot enough people, and so he got hit in the head. He will probably get to shoot people again next week. That's when we'll find out if he learned this week's lesson.
Green Lantern, unfortunately, continues to be about Green Lantern. Have you written a gratitude list about all the sacrifices old people made for you? Well, did you do one today?
Deadman has spent three weeks roaming around old Kirby drawings, and he still hasn't found Etrigan! Can you help him?
Metamorpho is a comic for people who don't like, nor wish to read, comic books.
The Flash was interesting, which will probably get Kerschl and Fletcher in trouble, because Grant Morrison and Geoff Johns have spent the better part of two years trying to prove that Barry Allen should've stayed dead, because he is boring. Flash fact?
Batman: Confidential # 33
Written by Peter Milligan
Art by Andy Clarke & David Baron
Published by DC Comics
Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors.