Bart Simpson # 52
By Carol Lay, Sergio Aragones, Gilbert Hernandez, Chris Yambar & Mike Kazaleh
Published by Bongo Comics
Most of the websites featuring previews or cover scans of this issue of Bart Simpson look like this:
Hobo Chillin'. Star style.
That's the cover of the week, right there. Sure, the comic also contains strips by Carol Lay (who sends a shout out to W.C. Minor, the crazy murderer that used a stint in the madhouse as writing camp to help pen the Oxford English Dictionary), Sergio Aragones skipping right by boogers and snot for a classic two-pager built on the concept of Getting What You Want by Actually Shitting In Your Pants, all of which builds to a Gilbert Hernandez story where Homer gets his ass handed to him by a stereotypical butch lesbian, so it's not like the comic needed to have the best fucking line ever on its cover, because it still would've been tits fantastique.
But hey, if you're going to beat the universe at its own game, why not beat the universe so badly that it spends the rest of its life roasting feces in a Black and Decker toaster oven, just because, you know, why the fuck not?
Split-Dick and Stretch-Nuts
This is a comic featuring a character named Stretch-Nuts. Stretch-Nuts is based on a real person, a guy who can pull the skin on his ball sack out far enough to balance a 16 ounce can of Heineken. You can read more about that guy and his tattoo here, but you'll have to troll around in Oklahoma to find a copy of the comic.
What the hell was that thing called? Oh, wait, "Gift of the Magi", that thing. You know that one? There's this poor couple that wants to give each other christmas presents, so the chick cuts off her hair to buy the guy some shit for his grandfather's watch, but the guy has already sold the watch so he could buy her a fancy comb, so when they go to exchange presents they're all "aw snap, egg on my face".
Scalped 35 is a lot like that, except Jason Aaron figures the Gift of the Magi should've ended with Howie Mandel popping out of the chimney holding the watch and a fistful of hair.
Flash Rebirth # 6
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by Ethan van Sciver
Published by DC Comics
This thing is late as shit, but it's not like there were any sane people in the Barry Allen is Awesome camp that couldn't teach a class on patience, so no fault declared. And hell, it's only late because Ethan Von Stroheim was working up a bunch of those Copyright Protected "people who run with their distended arms flailing overhead" panels, and he's as much of the draw here as that whole DC Comics: Always Fixin' This Flash Shit paradigm. Can't fault Ethan Van Flyheight for wanting to make sure the pages of this magnum opus are chock full of what the fans--which, really, is the only possible audience for something with this many variations on the same character--are hungry for. Hell, take a look at this:
Now that's something that takes a long time to draw! All that negative space--that's big boy art, right there.
New Avengers # 62
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Stuart Immonen
Published by Marvel Comics
The nice thing about those Ed Brubaker Captain America comics was that Brubaker didn't spend huge chunks of the comic including these creepy love poems where other super-heroes talk about how Steve Rogers is pretty special, like who I think about when I'm spitting in my palm special. You'd just had these over the top, everybody in the boat comics about some depressive loner who fantasizes about some dead kid while living in a warehouse with no lights and occasionally fighting a Mexican wrestler whenever the wrestler isn't beating his girlfriend, all the while waiting for a magically undead Nazi ghost to take over the body of a Russian corporate scumbag, and not once did Eddie B throw in some panel where Peter Parker sits there looking at a picture of the Cap'n and says "I hope I made you proud....dad?" But if you'd never read old Avengers comics--like, any Avengers comic, even though you're sort of curious about those ones where Ant-Man pops his wife in the mouth cuz of her book learning--and you'd never read any Captain America comics but those Eddie B ones, then you're pretty much going to be fucked now, because the character is--he's fucking everywhere, and the whole set up for all of his appearances is tangled up with all the rest of the characters getting in a line to tell him how his shit is the best, and that's gonna put you in the direction of the oh-god-Steve won't you say "Avengers Assemble" and you sit there thinking well, that's just some dumb shit that turns on children, or maybe sub-literates, whatever that means but you're starting to feel it down in your stomach, when he says that line, if he says that line, is it gonna make my cracked and wrinkled nubbin moist with anticipation, oh crikey and strikey won't you say Avengers Assemble so I can find out? just say it once for me baby boy, go ahead whisper that shit and flick your tongue Christian Troy style while you do it my big dirty macguffin of stuffin'
Fucking Hawkeye! You goddamned little shitbird!
Fuck you and your squeezing out a fart face! This was supposed to be Steve and us having a moment, you stupid little bingo table! Nobody gives a tug about Hawkeye and Hawkeye's Shitty Haircut!
Viking # 5
Written by Ivan Brandon
Art by Nic Klein
Published by Image Comics
Hey, that was the shortest season ever!
Blackest Night # 7
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by Ivan Reis
Published by DC Comics
Jennifer Lopez still had a record contract back when Blackest Night started. America had two options: Jennifer Lopez or Blackest Night. Think about that shit.
-Tucker Stone, 2010