The most amazing thing about the reaction to Hologram 2Pac’s guest appearance at Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s Coachella performance a couple weeks ago was that no one thought it was actually 2Pac. After nearly two decades of speculation that dude has been alive this whole time, how is there not a conspiracy theory that Hologram 2Pac was, in fact, Actual 2Pac? If you were 2pac, and you were sequestered in, like, Bakersfield for sixteen years, wouldn’t you re-emerge from hiding by showing up at Coachella? If you were arguably the most beloved rapper of all time, wouldn’t you make it your personal mission to upstage motherfucking Wiz Khalifa every chance you got? I am convinced of an enormous dead rapper conspiracy now more than ever. It’s like my man from Theodore Unit once said: “When Biggie died, they came out with Biggie Fries.”
That aside, the second most amazing thing about the reaction was seeing people fall all over themselves to compare Hologram 2Pac to Obi Wan Kenobi. Son, you are talking to me about at forty year old movie, when this is clearly The Future? And—most importantly—The Future is EXACTLY WHAT WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. The next twenty years of our lives have just been explicitly spelled out for us, and, yes, wheel-less skateboards are right around the corner, just like we all imagined. The powers that be have actually been holding them back from us, waiting for this precise moment: The Moment That Changes Everything. #thuglife
In honor of this bright new day, I would like to preview some musical highlights you can expect over the next couple years. Hologram 2Pac was merely foreshadowing. This is what’s next:
Lil Wayne duets with Hologram Frank Sinatra
The duet era is back, people, and what better way to announce it than a televised concert starring Hologram Frank Sinatra and today’s hottest stars?
Kenny Chesney duets with Hologram John Denver
Katy Perry duets with Hologram Biggie Smalls
Adele duets with Hologram Young Aretha Franklin
These are all just variations on a theme, really. I imagine them all happening on The X-Factor.
No one else would agree to it.
Elton John duets with Hologram Eminem
It’s more comfortable for both of them.
That one’s just too sad. Doesn’t mean it’s not inevitable.
Lana Del Rey duets with Hologram Axl Rose
After the break-up.
Hologram Natalie Cole duets with Reanimated Nat “King” Cole
Holograms and zombies! It’s a billion Grammys waiting to happen! Three weeks on top of the box office! The revitalization of NBC’s Thursday night line-up!
Little known fact: Sublime actually pioneered the use of holograms. The white glow that appears around their dead singer in videos such as “What I Got” and “Wrong Way” isn’t a post-mortal aura. It’s technological Santeria. Sublime members Bud Gaugh and Eric Wilson were operating at a super-advanced level in the Exploiting Dead Musicians game, especially considering they were “hologramming” Brad Nowell before he was even successful and, remarkably, before 2Pac had even died (if he is dead).
(Also worth noting: Lou-Dog never really existed. He was just a composite Dalmatian drawn from the collective surfer-bro unconscious.)
When Gaugh and Wilson hired 20-year old Rome Ramirez to step in for Bradley on a Sublime reunion tour, they were taking a technological step backwards (or “going retro,” depending on who you believe). Now, though, they can re-replace Bradley Nowell with Hologram Bradley Nowell, to the delight of his estate and Sublime fans everywhere.
The only hitch is that Nowell wasn’t much of a performer—he just stood still with his eyes closed in front of the microphone—which would cut down on a little bit of the brodown throwdown that Sublime With Rome brings to the plate. The solution would then be to impose Hologram Bradley Nowell onto the live body of Rome Ramirez, allowing him to encourage sing-alongs, direct people to the merch table, and reclaim Sublime’s status as a band truly ahead of its time.
U2 replaces Bono with Hologram Bono
Second Hologram Bono rumored to be chillin’ in the White House cafeteria.
The Beatles Finally Reunite!
Paul McCartney is the Prince of Darkness. This was revealed to us at the dawn of the millennium when, he began listing his name ahead of John Lennon’s on the Beatles’ songwriting credits and blatantly capitalized on 9/11 with a song that went like this:
“Talking ‘bout freedom
I’m talking ‘bout freedom
I will fight
For my right
To live in freedom”
The chorus is a limerick in which he rhymes “freedom” with “freedom.” Twice!
So it’s only a matter of time until McCartney tours with Hologram John Lennon, Hologram George Harrison, and, yes, Hologram Ringo Starr (because there is no way he is cutting that dude in on a percentage). The worst part is that the “reunited” Beatles won’t play any post-Rubber Soul material.
Justin Bieber reveals he’s been a Hologram this whole time
Mark my words.
Dr. Dre is best known as a producer, but his real talent is mass hypnosis through branding. Hologram 2Pac is his greatest achievement yet, mostly because he has convinced a nation of believers that Hologram 2Pac is a hologram when it is, in fact, only a 2-D projection. And look at how excited we’ve all become at 200-year old technology!
If you don’t think that Dre is an evil corporate overlord, you have clearly never seen his episode of Behind the Music. It’s no coincidence that he chose to resurrect a rapper who is also a quasi-religious figure. From here, it’s a straight line to Hologram Bob Marley, who will convince America that the tenets of Rastafarianism are smoking weed, expensive headphones, and transnational corporate globalization.
-Marty Brown, 2012