Snakes on a Plane

2006
Directed by David Ellis
Starring Samuel L Jackson

Much like abortion, or even more boringly, presidential candidates, Snakes on a Plane has divided this great country into two camps: people who are definitely going to see it (and probably already have) and people who wouldn't be caught dead near the movie.

The truth is that neither of these people have taken the time to watch the brilliant work of Jean-Pierre Melville, listen to Albert Ayler, and when's the last time you read Murphy?  It's a safe assumption that most of the backlash and derision thrown towards an absolutely harmless movie like Snakes happen to be coming from a camp of people who, for the most part, don't actually have a critical leg to stand on. 

At the offices of The Factual, we've noticed a trend in this summer's popcorn flicks, one that boils down to a simple, and Factual, statement: All these movies sucked. 

Superman, Mission Impossible, X-Men 3, Pirates of the Something-Something--blah, blah blah.  Across the board, the only movies of any substance this year have been an Australian cowboy movie and a steadicam emo-core rendition of a plane crash.  The grosses have born this out--slumping, pathetic, barely turning profits while studios hemmorhage employees.  The problem is that all the people getting fired aren't, one has to assume, the ones responsible for all the crap--since the future looks like more of the same, or at least, the previews do.  Meanwhile, a whole lot of people who, honestly, should have better things to do are busy backlashing against a little movie called Snakes on a Plane.  While Snakes is really only guilty of being neither as innovative or as funny as it's title, it's been both embraced and demonized by nearly everyone who knows of it's existence (in the 18-34 advertisting bracket at least) as the second coming of the Schlock Movie Messiah. 

It's, of course, not.  (That train came and went with "head-like-a-shark-fin" Deep Blue Sea, also starring Sam Jack, and the second coming of that train will be in about a month, courtesy of Sea's director, Renny Harlin with the uber-homoerotic Undressed-meets-The Prophecy: The Covenant. Now that, dear reader, is going to be One Bad Movie.)  But Snakes, in it's complete reverance towards it's own existence, is an enjoyable movie, and it's not enjoyable in a shame-producing fashion.  Whereas anyone with morals felt a little embarrassed to admit finding various sections of X-Men 3 exciting, Snakes is so eager to please that disliking it is akin to kicking a laughing baby in the face.  (Although that's funny too, one has absolutely no business doing it.)  The truth that Snakes on a Plane didn't rip the head off America and re-define fun at the pictures doesn't come as much of a surprise, and the fact that most of America needs to recognize that they lost all right to critical arrogance when they gave Forrest Gump an Oscar is, at this point, a sad observation on most people's inability to tell the difference between where they eat and where they defecate: Not The Same Place, Asshole. 

Comments

[Ben]

Snakes was off the hook. I too, have been face to face with haters of this party at the box office. But I have been throwing out an offer that was once reserved for The Family Stone only. I will pay for your ticket if you go watch it with me. Anyone, that is. Fat, male, and the unfunny are all invited. Show up at my house and I'll look up the showtimes. Now as for the requisite pre-game Burger King quad stacker, that you have to pay for yourself. But like snakes, it will not disappoint either.

[Ben Myers]

When I first heard the title of this movie I thought it was a joke. I think most people went to see this movie because we all want to be cussed out by Samuel L. Nobody say got-damn like him.

[Amy]

Is there actually a part in the movie where Samuel J. says "we've got mutha-f#%*ing snakes!". Your answer will determine whether I see it at the regular theater or wait until it goes to the dollar movie...