Flashdance

1983
Directed by Adrian Lyne
Written by Thomas Hedley, Jr.
Starring Jennifer Beals and Michael Nouri

Say what you want--Flashdance was a Simpson/Bruckheimer production, and as reprehensible as their work often is, they made successful, watchable movies that spoke to the American box office to the tune of millions of dollars.  Trifles like quality writing and innovative film-making always took a back seat with those two, and yes, Flashdance is as guilty a candidate as most of their work.  Yet their movies are compelling enough to finish, and popular enough to merit some curiosity.

That being said, Flashdance is, without a doubt, a hell of lot odder than one expects.  Categorized, and point by point, here's some questions and confusions that Flashdance brought about in this reviewer:

A) Arc Welding

1) On what possible planet does an 18 year old, female or no, earn the qualifications to be an unsupervised arc welder?  Doesn't that require certification, or some type of training?

2) Since when is it harder to get into dance school than it is to become an arc welder?  (And make no mistake, the Pittsburgh Conservatory is, by definition, "Dance School."

3) If the main character is dedicated enough to become an arc welder, which, regardless of suspension of disbelief, is difficult, why has she never taken a dance class?  Ever?  Anywhere?

B) Hannah.

1) Who is this woman? What is her relationship to the main character?  Why does the main character have keys to her home?

2) Why does "Hannah" so fervently believe that the main character has any potential for success in the world of dance?  By her own accounts, "Alex" (the main character) has never even attempted "real" (read: ballet) dance, yet Hannah, a retired professional dancer (someone who has a very full grasp of how difficult professional dance can be) seems positive that Alex has a bright future in a world she's made no attempts to access.

C) The Club

1) For what possible reason would grown men choose to go to a club where the dancers don't strip, perform modern and jazz dance routines, and have no fake breasts?   (This isn't to imply that fake breasts are a requirement for dance, but fake breasts are a requirement for a strip club.  As is stripping.)

2) How is this club in any way successful?  Who are these lunatics who frequent the joint?  (While this is obviously an outgrowth of the previous question, it bears repeating.)

D) That Guy Who Works At The Other Club

1) He works, or possibly is in some ownership, of a very real, and from what the audience sees, very successful, strip club.  A club where woman talk off all there clothes, men get drunk, and everybody is vaguely uncomfortable.  Yet he spends most of his time at the other club, where no one likes him, so he can attempt to rape one of their dancers, spend money, and watch totally bizarre dance routines that involve a fake television and white clown paint.  This makes no sense.

2) Due to some throwaway lines that are delivered with way too much seriousness, it's made clear that he has some relationship with "Alex's" new boyfriend/boss.  As this is never dealt with for the remainder of the film, it hangs over the piece as a strange outgrowth of a clearly undeveloped storyline.  Most of all, it causes the viewer the fear that Flashdance will someday have a prequel, to explain what, exactly, the relationship between is a weird guy with bad style and a man who owns a steel mill.

E) The Actual Relationship, or, Why Any Man Would Continue To Date A Girl Who Is So Clearly Insane.

1) Okay, so he (the boyfriend) seems sort of normal.  Yet when "Alex" reveals that the thought of her weird avant-garde modern dances that she performs at some shitty dive bar bring her to tears, and that she has fantasies of "disappearing" into the music, he doesn't run away screaming.  Which leads one to believe that he to is insane.  Although he never shows it in the rest of the film.  (Don't assume you remember this scene--if it registers as romantic or sexy, take the time to re-watch it.  It's terrifyingly bizarre, and it speaks to total mental instability.)

2) To continue on the same theme, she throws a rock through his window because she sees him give a blond woman a ride home.  Is she, at this point, his actual girlfriend?  No.  Did she have plans with him that he broke that evening?  No.  That should be enough--but no, he's also totally innocent, as the woman is his ex-wife, they're both on the board, and he takes her to the "benefit" Alex sees him at once a year.  Break-up worthy?  Yes, even though there not officially together.  Yet he stays.   

    a) The next day, he says that someone broke his window, and that it costs 170 dollars to have it fixed.  If you've ever had to get a window replaced, you know what I know.  It doesn't happen overnight.  (Literally.  It's not going to happen.  Either way, you don't get a price quote in the middle of the night, no matter how many steel mills you own.)

3) To anyone with any knowledge of the world of dance, it's a universal truth that connections make a difference.  Yet when he, quite wonderfully, uses his connections to get her an audition--an audition her near blank application would have never gotten her, does she respond kindly?  No.  She screams at him and attempts to throw herself from a moving car.  After stopping the car, she screams at him some more and throws a shoe at him.  Then she walks home.  Although her behavior makes sense, solely by the fact that she's completely fucking insane, his behavior doesn't.  Because he doesn't seem crazy, yet he doesn't break the fuck up with her.

F) The Dog   

1) I only had one problem with the dog, a beautiful pit bull that steals every scene it's in.  That problem stems from the fact that there is no way in hell a lunatic like Alex could've trained a pit bull to behave as well as this one does.  Although this is one of those movie things that 99% of viewers are more than happy to ignore, I'm not, and neither should you.  If all of this drivel still makes you want to watch it.

There's plenty of other things that Flashdance gets wrong, it got enough right to win an Academy Award--of course, that Award was for the theme song that, according to Imdb.com, was written during the car ride that brought the singer to the fucking studio.

-Tucker Stone is wishing he owned that dog, 2007

 

Comments

[sean witzke]

You have to do 8 Mile next, as it is the EXACT SAME MOVIE.

[andre]

funny review and picture or bert eating baby....maybe find picture with more thorough portrayal of baby eating...chewing and swallowing and such?

just a suggestion
Andre "winnning the race of life" Harris

[Squidhelmet]

After 14 days (2 weeks) all we who follow the Factual Opinion have is this Flashdance review....

Two weeks of periodically checking in and all we have (still) is the Flashdance review....

And in the first place, it IS after all a review of...Flashdance...

Which came out many years ago, and to some of us is....not...current...

So, is the reward for being a loyal reader of the Factual Opinion... two weeks of Flashdance review?

[TFO Moderator]

You're absolutely right Squid--i apologize for the lack of updates.

We're back on schedule as of today, and will have more warning the next time things go amiss.

[Squidhelmet]

Thank you, oh wise and imperious TFO Moderator! And thank you also for the excellent Burt Eating Baby! I have to admit that I find myself in my head sometimes saying, yo. what? yo! what? Makin fire! Makin fire!

I just have to admit that.