The Factual Opinion

The Top 25 Albums of 1983: #24

Hoodoo Gurus
Stoneage Romeo

The “she said/ she said” refrain from Hoodoo Gurus’ “I Want You Back” shows up almost verbatim in Nirvana’s “Breed.”  While Hoodoo Gurus’ debut album, Stoneage Romeos, may seem an unlikely addition to Kurt Cobain’s wide range of influences, its inclusion speaks largely to the Gurus’ Australian rock syncing up nicely with the American indie rock and post-hardcore music of the time—e.g. The Wipers and The Meat Puppets—that provide the backbone of Nirvana’s breakthrough album, Nevermind.  The band’s wide range of influences is listed quite neatly in Stoneage Romeos’ opening song, “(Let’s All) Turn On”: Psychotic Reaction, No Satisfaction, Blitzkrieg Bop, Jailhouse Rock, Ride A White Swan, Let’s Get It On.  Aside from having the best musical taste, like, ever, Hoodoo Gurus mix their influences into an album’s worth of  swaggering, up-tempo rock.  Highlights include “Leilani,” with its stadium-sized drum stomp, and the Radio Birdman-indebted “I Was A Kamikaze Pilot” (endearingly pronounced with a hard “a”.)

-Marty Brown, 2007

The Top 25 Albums of 1983: #25

John Cougar Mellencamp
Uh-Huh

There's a type of American rock music that always seems to show up dated--Bruce Springsteen makes it, so does Tom Petty, and so does John Cougar Mellencamp.  No matter when there "new" albums show up, they have a sound that's all tangled up with a past that everybody thinks they remember.  The thing is that the listener, as so often is the case, is wrong.  Mellencamp isn't singing about your yesterdays, or anyone you know--he's enraptured with a mythical past that we all probably should've had, but didn't.  Whether it was the liberal's demonic corporation, or the conservative's much-feared big government, America hasn't ever really made time for the down-on-their-luck love stories that the 'Coug trades in.  It's a treasure we've been denied.  That's what spurs the love for the syrup behind songs like "Jackie-O," it's the churlish motive behind "Pink Houses."  We want this stuff, we want this life:  not all of us, no--no matter how many times the 'Coug teams up with Ndegelocello, this isn't music for a melting pot, it's music for a pick-up truck.  That's not to slight it, or condemn it--nobody expects Public Enemy to start catering to the steelworking Mississippian set, and the 'Coug can't be blamed for being in love with pick-up trucks and unbrushed teeth.  While Uh-Huh may not have set the world on fire in 1983, it's certainly far more responsible for 1984 Midwest babies than anything that came out of Def Leppard's mouth.

It's also one of the best examples of the so-bad-it's-not-good, just bad album art that will be, unfortunately, gracing more than a couple of 1983's albums.  No matter what anyone tells you about the world getting worse, you can always remind them that graphic design has made some leaps and motherfucking bounds.

-Tucker Stone, 2007

Comics Of The Weak

Unedited and non-proofread, published to clear the decks for the next three weeks of MUSIC, MUSIC and MUSIC, here's some comics, in their rough draft form.  Starting at 10AM today, and not stopping until we get a number one, Marty Brown returns and the Factual Opinion gives you the TOP 25 ALBUMS of 1983.

All Star Batman & Robin 6
Written by Frank Miller
Art by Jim Lee & Scott Williams

It's sort of an odd sensation, reading a new issue of All-Star Batman when you can still recall what happened in the last issue.  It's not a good feeling, and it's not a bad feeling.  This comic still sells well, according to those reliable-because-they're-the-only-option Diamond sales charts, but if DC was hoping that the All-Star line was going to be their version of the Ultimates...well, then they should probably stop hoping that.  Either way, All-Star Batman just makes me feel old, and not in a good way.

There isn't much hope for this series to round out it's current storyline in any method that's going to make me happy, but a couple of things could be added that might make for a more enjoying slog.  The first being that Miller's version of Batman should have some kind of noticeable erection, especially when he's jumping out of the sky, laughing manically, to beat people up.  The dialog, his obsessive recounting of the human damage he's inflicting--clearly, there's a sexual component that's being outright ignored.  The second addition (well, technically it's more like a replacement) is that he shouldn't be say things like "Keep your head down, ma'am."  This is the guy who calls Robin a retard and refers to himself as "the goddamn batman!"  (None of which i have a problem with.)  That guy doesn't assist other vigilantes while treating them with respect and diplomacy.  That guy, that "goddamn Batman," would pop the intruding lawgiver in the chops and call her a Donkey, or a Bitch.  (Pretty much anything that guy from Hell's Kitchen calls people.)

Batman 666
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by

If Grant Morrison hasn't earned a tired comic readers trust by now, then they should just bring back Valiant and Youngblood, close down Diamond, and give this whole hobby to the Mcfarlane fans.  Nobody packs this much into books, excepting those cats who operate outside of the DC/Marvel contingent.  While not everything Morrison writes may be gold, his best super-hero work beats the hell out of anything that wasn't done by Jack Kirby, and it stands toe to toe with quite a bit of that.  Future Batmen warring it out in a city laced with explosives?  A story that skips all introduction and gets right to the insanity?  This is what comics should read like all the time.

Almost everytime complaints are leveled at Grant Morrison, they seem to focus on how he doesn't do two things--he doesn't respect continuity, and he doesn't tell simple one-to-one stories.  The banality that these complaints cries out for is one that never gets addressed--after all, there's plenty of DC books that "respect continuity" and tell simple one-to-one stories.  Those are what we call books that got cancelled.   Nobody really wants to read that shit, and still people crying out for a return to form, as if it's somehow impressive that a book stays the same for multiple years and is always making sure it's trying to be as Strunk & White as possible.  Batman 666 doesn't really follow Batman 665--but so what?  The guys still writing this stuff, and it's not like the Doom Patrol didn't have moments where it diverged from it's prior context.  That being said, even if Morrison never truly gets down to wrapping everything up all neat and tidy (which isn't exactly the most attractive thing anyway) since when did that become a rule for what comics are supposed to be like?  They don't have to mean anything.  They don't have to make sense.  There aren't any fucking rules.  Hell, if you don't like it so much, why don't you go buy some more copies of Justice Society of America and shut the fuck up?

Deathblow 6
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Carlos D'Anda & Henry Flint

Let's not mince words: Deathblow should never be canceled, it should never change creative teams, and it should always be about a lunatic who teams up with a bunch of talking stray dogs.  It should never attempt any sort of explanation or resolution.  It's perfectly fine they way it is.  It's weird, it doesn't make a lot of sense, and it's better than anything featuring Spider-Man that wasn't drawn by Steve Ditko.  Including things directed by Sam Raimi.

Hellblazer 234
Written by Andy Diggle
Art by Leonardo Manco

Andy Diggle is writing Hellblazer the same way Garth Ennis and Jamie Delano wrote him.  But Andy Diggle ain't Ennis, and he ain't Delano.  Still, Constantine remains one of the few characters in comics who seems to outsize his writer: even when he's not being written by the writers who, in this reader's opinion, knew him best, he never comes across as a cipher.  Unlike Superman, a classic case study in a complete blank slate of a character, Constanatine books thrive with personality, and that's probably why a mean, cynical book about a perversely cruel man who seems to hate everything in the world is still being published.  In the end, Hellblazer is mostly just about a cranky old chainsmoker, and considering what most comics are about, that makes him more of a hero than Cyclops.

The Immortal Iron Fist 7
Written by Ed Brubaker & Matt Fraction
Art by Travel Foreman, Derek Fridolfs, Leonardo Fernandez & Francisco Paronzini

A bullshit waste of time issue after a great six.  First mistep from a writing team that had been firing on all cylinders from the gate.  Hideous cover too. 

Green Arrow: Year One
Written by Andy Diggle
Art by Jock

There's no good reason for this series to exist, but it's always nice to see Jock's art on a regular basis.  Nothing that happens here really goes to the core problem this reader has always had with Green Arrow: why, roughly speaking, does this guy fight crime with a bow and arrow?  What's his motive?  'Cause he got shipwrecked?  Really?

Grendel: Behold the Devil 0
Writing & Art by Matt Wagner

One thing that was always kind of admirable about Wagner was how he limited the use of this Hunter Rose character--even though it was always far more popular than all the other versions of Grendel, Wagner stuck to his guns and experiemented with all kinds of different genres.  He failed, quite often, to tell compelling stories, and thanks to some abysmal art choices, he also helped release some really ugly comics.  But at least he was trying, he was moving shit around.  There's no good reason to return to Hunter now--that is, unless you've run out of ideas.

The Incredible Hulk 108
Written by Greg Pak
Art by Leonard Kirk & Scott Hanna

It would be really great if the Hulk did actually slaughter Mr. Fantastic, Iron Man, Black Bolt and Dr. Strange.  That would make for some good stories.  It's not going to happen, and that's why it is becoming really hard to enjoy this World War Hulk storyline: because we all know it's not going to end the way it should.  None of those characters are going to die.  This story is going to end with some kind of half-ass turn of events, and that's it. 

Legion of Super-Heroes 32
Written by Tony Bedard
Art by Dennis Calero

MATTER EATER LAD MUST EAT MATTER FOR HIM TO MATTER.

Queen & Country 32
Written by Greg Rucka
Art by Chris Samnee

Taking a long time to finish didn't increase this reader's enjoyment of Chris Samnee's art--still don't much care for it.  As is the status quo with violence in Queen & Country,  Rucka brought the blood this issue, and it's completely upsetting and uncomfortably realistic.

Speak of the Devil 1
Writing & Art by Gilbert Hernandez

Wondering why Hernandez published this story on cheap paper at Dark Horse, instead of presenting it at his regular stable at Fantagraphics?

Probably has something to do with it not being very good.  Although Hernandez has, like Grant Morrison, certainly earned the benefit of the doubt, Speak of the Devil doesn't match up to anything going down in the current Love & Rockets series.  Gil isn't in a fallow period, buy you wouldn't know that from this book.

 

Ultimate Fantastic Four 44
Written by Mike Carey
Art by Pasqual Ferry & Justin Ponsor

That's it.  No more.  I deserved to waste my time, especially when i already knew, and previously expressed, how bad this book was going to be.

Wolverine 55
Writing by Jeph Loeb
Art by Simone Bianchi & Andrea Silvestri

There's always a struggle between brunette's and blondes?  That's supposed to be a major relationship factor in a comic book?  Well, if that's the equation, with Wolverine=Veronica and Sabretooth=Betty, than it's about time to introduce Archie and the rest of the clan.  We've got a Sadie Hawkins dance to plan.

I know i'm not getting an answer, but fuck it:  What happened to the Jeph Loeb who wrote Long Halloween?

Spirit 8
Writing and Art by Darwyn Cooke
Inked by J. Bone

Don't get it twisted--the Spirit is damn fine work.  Still, it can't be helped that the Spirit isn't operating on a very high level of art right now: it's a good read, month in and month out, but it's rapidly becoming a comic that goes down so easy that it makes one question the 2.99 cover price.  Comics that are bad, ugly pieces of work have it a little easier: complaints are so aggressively focused on the low quality of writing, the sheer abundance of pointless repitition and shoddy art that price complaints fall on deaf ears.  (Also, the 2.99 is more of an experiment.  As in, i'll give you 2.99 once, and if you screw me, i'm walking.)  It's comics like Spirit--fun, entertaining pages that end too soon and come in such a disposable format that make one begin to question why one should drop 18 dollars for six of them, when an attractive (and sturdier) compilation of the issues will eventually be published sometimes soon, and it will be cheaper.  Nothing earth-shattering happens in the Spirit from month-to-month, it's not tied to larger storylines, and it's better than it's package deserves.  It, like it's spiritual comic cousin, Godland, is the very definition of a comic that is better read in the trade.  Like Hellboy before it, the Spirit is no longer a comic this reviewer plans to purchase off the rack.  It deserves the spot of immortality a spot on the bookshelf will give it.

Checkmate 16
Written by Greg Rucka
Art by Joe Bennett and Jack Jadson

Finally out of the woods a cross-over creates, Checkmate returns to the able hands of a solitary Greg Rucka, and although he's under mandate to give whining fans the subplot they crave (Ice is back! What will Beatriz do?  Oh. Cry.  Genius.) Rucka's still able to show off at what he does best: write strikingly complex female characters without resorting to tits & ass stories.  (Of course, he did cut off the female in mentions arm last month, but hey, she's a cyborg.  It grew back.)  Checkmate doesn't fit the bill of the DC universe right now--it's a little too quiet, and a little too clever, and neither of those traits bode well for a long run--but it's still a relatively pleasurable book, and one that strives for a Byzantine plot that is a hell of a lot more interesting to explore than anything currently featuring most of DC's line-up.  Rucka gets called out, a little too often, for basically using Checkmate as a way to tell stories from his excellent adult-spy comic Queen & Country with the unwieldy insertion of obscure DC characters, but the simple truth is that a spandex-clad Queen & Country is still better than anything currently featuring Supergirl or Batwoman.

Ghost Rider 13
Written by Daniel Way
Art by Javier Saltares

Considering that the worst part of last months issue of Ghost Rider was the part where the Hulk storyline crossed-over, and considering that the current  issue completely crosses-over, this was just about as bad as a mainstream comic can get.  It's completely unentertaining and serves as an embarrassing waste of time for all involved.

Some of the drawings of fire were well done.  It has that going for it.

The Programme 1
Written by Peter Milligan
Art by CP Smith

Peter Milligan is always an interesting writer to check in on: his work in Shade The Changing Man, X-Statix, Enigma and The Human Target are all excellent reads.  For whatever reason, his work on more mainstream titles like Detective Comics and X-Men hasn't brought him the success and name recognition as contemporaries European writers like Mark Millar and Grant Morrison--it's not a slight, but it does seem that Milligan doesn't have the flair for incorporating the talent he shows on Enigma and Shade into the spandex-clad tales, unlike Morrison, who underwrites an entire odd abstract line of comics with his headlining work on Superman and the Justice League America.  In other words--you get excited that he's put something out, but it's not Seven Soldiers excitement.  Programme was certainly good, but it'll join the Spirit in the look forward to a trade pile.  It's the sort of story that isn't going to be spoiled by the wait.

All-Flash 1
Written by Mark Waid
Art by Way Too Many Fucking People, For No Good Reason Other Than Getting It To Stores In Time

Wally's back!  He runs really fast!  He's back!  He caught that bad guy, and turned him into a statue!  He cried fast, while he was running fast!

Wait, since when did he turn bad guys into living statues?

We're all real happy that Flash is back, but the truth is we'll probably go back to not buying the Flash comic--nothing ever happens of any consequence there.  (Not to say that something of consequence is happening in Ghost Rider.  Still, nothing of consequence in Ghost Rider is still, by the numbers, more intriguing than when nothing of consequence happens in the Flash.)

Still, he's back.  And he's got kids.  And he's got a wife.  Considering that the last time anybody did "kids and a wife" well was in the late 80's, and it was Morrison's Animal Man, we're not holding out a large amount of hope.  Besides, if DC has taught us anything, it's that supporting characters have one purpose only: being killed. 

Enjoy them while they last!

Robin 164
Written by Adam Beechen
Art by Freddie E. Williams

For whatever reason, it's time to trot out the old "let's give Robin an arch-enemy" idea again.  Considering the last time they'd tried this, the result was the terrible, hideous "Johnny Warlock" debacle, and the next time they did, it was a reincarnation of a dead girlfriend as an agent of some nefarious demon.  This time it's a little white kid who has the same powers as Marvel's Nightcrawler, wears a hoodie and calls himself Dodge.  In classic don't make no sense fashion, he worshipped Robin, got himself hurt despite Robin's warnings, and now he must kill Robin.

Are we being a little too harsh on a pretty basic superhero trope: of course, because Beechen and Williams have done better, and they've done better as recently as last issue.  This will play out no worse than those that have come before, but it will play out just the same.  To those who continue to cry out that nothing new can be done with superhero comics, and to those cry that nothing should, these kind of completely balls of inanity are evidence to our learned response: pshaw!

Comics Of The Weak

Fallen Son: Iron Man
Written By Jeph Loeb
Art by John Cassady

The last of the Fallen Son issues hits stands, after making a mild appearance in the mainstream media.  Yes, this is the one with the Captain America funeral.  Yes, it's about the same as any other super-hero funeral ever.  It's got the trite emotionalism, the yank-on-the-heartstrings-so-hard-they pop out of the vascular system style speech, and the requisite wide-open door ending, just in case you're still one of those who believe that Cap's never coming back.  Considering it's a Captain America funeral, the jingoistic tone is set somewhere around Defcon 5, or Threat Level Midnight, but no one can claim that John Cassady doesn't make the whole thing pleasant to look at.  Although one wonders if the closing pages is really accurate--would ole Cappy really want you to chuck his body into the freezing waters of the Arctic?  Really?  That's what he would have wanted?  Why would anyone want that?

 

Nightwing 134
Written by Marv Wolfman
Art by Jamal Igle & Keith Champagne

Yet another sure-to-be-poor selling and poorly remembered copy of Nightwing shows up on the shelves, headed towards whatever future debacle DC has in store for the character.  As has become standard for Nightwing's solo comic, he has a few moments where he beats people up out of costume, new and absolutely uninteresting villains are introduced and a mysterious ally arises, this one taking the name of a long-dead character.  (A long-dead character, the poorly named Vigilante, that DC already failed to revitalize once in the past year.)  A mild amount of controversy arose last year when Dan Didio, DC's Senior VP, revealed that plans to kill off the Nightwing character had been scrapped at the 11th hour.  At this point, it seems that maybe old NW would've
been better off if they'd stuck to their guns--no one seems to have any interest in making any use of the characters stay of execution.

Ultimate Power 6
Written by J. Michael Straczynski
Art by Greg Land & Jay Leisten

Yet another week in mainstream comics rolls by, and yet another cheesecake cover having absolutely nothing to do with the story held inside.  No, regardless of what Greg Land would have you believe, the Invisible Woman never licks her fingers in these pages, nor does the Wasp pump her keister out for the world to see.  If you're buying the comic because you expect more of what the cover promises, you'll be sorely disappointed.  You're simply buying a "fight issue" where the various heroes fight their alternate world counterparts.  Don't worry though--at the end a bad guy shows up who they'll certainly have to team up to deal with.  Predicatibility can be fun, yes, but not three dollars worth of fun.

Marvel Zombies Vs. Army of Darkness 5
Written by John Layman
Art by Fabiano Neves, Fernando Blanco & Sean Phillips

It's funny how people at comics shops act somewhat embarrassed regarding purchasing this mini-series--as if somehow, plunking down massive amounts of coinage for the last few years of DC's interminable event comics is somehow more deserving of respect than purchasing a hackneyed cross-over between Bruce Campbell's Evil Dead character Ash & a bunch of zombiefied Marvel characters.  If anything, this is probably the most clever thing Marvel has done in a while--they've continued to capitalize on the success of a short mini-series by splitting the cost with Dynamite Entertainment & merging the story with one of comic-dom's more favorite waste of time: that being the cheesy horror movie.  Considering that there's people on the DC comics message board clamoring for a cross-over between the Supergirl character & George Orwell's 1984, maybe this is the beginning of a trend.  Not like an iPhone level trend, but maybe something along the lines of all those people who watch Two and a Half Men.

Y: The Last Man 57
Written by Brian K. Vaughan
Art by Pia Guerra & Jose Marzan, Jr.

It was always a bit easier to plow through Y when the end was nowhere in sight--now that it's a mere few issues away, it's become a little more difficult to enjoy it.  Sure, Y sells, and if there was ever an argument for Vertigo comics, it's always been a good one.  It's stories are solid, entertaining pieces of fiction that wouldn't work in the regular DC universe, the trades and single issues seem to sell relatively well to people who wouldn't regularly pick up mainstream (read: superhero) comic books--all in all, it can stand alongside Transmetropolitan, Preacher, 100 Bullets and Lucifer as successful Vertigo.  The only bone of contention one really has now that the story is coming to a close is that it's never really gone anywhere.  Much like it's main characters, Y has merely meandered around the world it's central premise created: a world were only one man survived a massive plague.  The cleverness of the beginning stories, where Republican wives fought to take their dead husbands place in US government now that a majority of Democrats controlled the country, or where Israel immediately became a military superpower due to it's role in enlisting females, hasn't been maintained or explored.  Instead, the comic has tread water for about thirty issues or so, throwing out six-issue arcs (perfect for Vertigo's trade market,) arcs that did little more to show what the world looked like on a boat (now that all the men were dead) or the space program (since all the men were dead) or stopping off in Japan (you know, because ninjas were mostly men, and all the men were dead.)  While it's certainly never been lacking in creativity, somewhere along the way, it started lacking plot--and nowhere will that be more clear than here, as it nears its upcoming climax.

Detective Comics 834
Written by Paul Dini
Art by Don Kramer & Wayne Faucher

Paul Dini continues his run of short story Batman with a mildly formulaic Joker tale that also serves to kill a vestige Batman-don't-trust-Zatanna subplot still dangling from the now 2 year gone Identity Crisis min-series.  All in all, it's not Dini's best tale so far on his run on Detective, but it's still the best Detective has been in years.  Here's hoping for a new artist--Don Kramer & Wayne Faucher are clearly from the school of cheap as fucking possible.

Outsiders 49
Written by Greg Rucka & Judd Winick
Art by Matthew Clark, Ron Randall & Art Thibert

The crossover between Outsiders & Checkmate concludes, never really able to shake the forced economics of the project--neither book is a best-seller by even the low comic book expectations, and it seems evident that the story was designed to give as much of a crash course as possible to readers of either.  It was also designed to bring about the upcoming revamp of the book, which will see the Outsiders return to the leadership (and increased sales) of Batman.  Following an onslaught of weekly titles in July, the comic returns to it's old-school 80's title, Batman & the Outsiders, a team that contained such storied members as Katana, Geo-Force and...well, some other people.  A black guy with an afro and a blonde with a tight bodysuit.  Did they have a robot too?  Didn't all those 80's teams have robots?

 

The Exterminators 19
Written by Simon Oliver
Art by Darick Robertson & John Lucas

Vertigo threw Darick Robertson to Simon Oliver this month, clearly in hopes of increasing the readership of Exterminators, a comic that for no good earthly reason has been stuck with low sales since its inception.  Every month, Oliver writes another brilliantly entertaining (albeit ghastly) story, utilizing every variance on archetypal characters under the sun, and every month, more people choose to buy Moon Knight.  Considering the amount of bitching and complaining that comics fans are notorious for, Exterminators will, if it suffers cancellation, always make for the best of insults: you motherfuckers had gold at your fingertips--and you chose to eat shit and beg for more.

Action Comics 851
Written by Geoff Johns & Richard Donner
Art by Adam Kubert & Dave Stewart

Donner & crew haven't exactly set any records for being timely with their Last Son storyline in the Action title, but sales doesn't seem to have suffered.  As has come to be expected with this creative crew, Donner & Johns seem to pride themselves on long, operatic panels, creating storyboards for a Superman movie that's far too nerdy to ever be made, and far too action-y to be taken seriously.  It's entertaining stuff, and that's what super-hero comics are (reportedly) supposed to be--but if there was ever a need for an example of how Superman and his entire supporting cast are dull ciphers of characterization, Last Son would work perfectly.  Relationships are doled out in the simplest of terms, and evil is never bad enough to be washed away when the story ends. Oh, and if you spent the extra dollar for the 3-D cover, and you're not a 9 year old, shame on you.  There are kids starving in one of those sad countries.

All-Star Superman 8
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Frank Quitely & Jamie Grant

It's not just the best Superman comic on the stands.  It's the best Superman comic that's been published in the last twenty years.  (And that's an estimation based on what our office can verify, but as soon as we find somebody who will go on the record for this being better than the 70's Superman, we'll amend our praise.)  While it would be wonderful if it came out on a more regular basis, it would be a travesty to have it come out and not consistently live up to it's own high standards.  Simply put: All Star Superman is the best superhero comic book that everybody should be reading, if they aren't already.

Tucker Stone forgot to mention to you that you should've bought the latest issues of The Boys & Criminal last week, 2007