Comics Of The Weak: Commodore 64's Vs. Iron Man

Marvel Zombies 2 #1
Written by Robert Kirkman
Art by Sean Phillips & June Chung
Published by Marvel Comics

Robert Kirkman & Sean Phillips struck gold the first time they did a Marvel Zombies mini-series, so it's no surprise they agreed to go back to the well again. In an intriguing turn of events, they've chosen not to focus on the nasty black comedy that made the first series an entertainment, and are instead are treating the reader to a mind-numbingly boring story where, if this first issue is any indication, the remaining zombiefied Marvel characters will somehow struggle through their zombification and become some kind of heroes again.  Just imagine if any George Romero movie stopped in the middle of the carnage and the zombies started to attempt to reacclimate themselves into society.  Sound like fun?  Yeah, not really.

Wolverine: Origins # 18
Written by Daniel Way
Art by Steve Dillon
Published by Marvel Comics

While reading this comic, the reader may start struggling with the notion that, for the first time ever, there's something good going on with an issue of Wolverine: Origins besides Steve Dillon's art.  Fight it off.  Nothing is happening here that hasn't been done better in Ed Brubaker's Captain America series.  Your reaction stems from the fact that for the past couple of years, when you saw Nick Fury, Steve Rogers & Bucky on the same comic page, it was in a series that wasn't about Wolverine's continuing attempts to convince the reader that he's "got what it takes" and "doesn't take no shit" and he's not a "walking, talking, stereotype." 

Justice League of America # 14
Written by Dwayne McDuffie
Art by Ed Benes & Sandra Hope
Published by DC Comics

Here's the image people are complaining about.  Take a notice at how much larger Wonder Woman's breast are than her skull.  Still, behaving as if this is somehow new, or somehow going away, is a bit of a lost cause.  It's like talking about Rwanda--talking about Rwanda is all well and good, but you know, all that talking didn't seem to save anybodies life, now did it?  But go ahead and pat yourself on the back, why don't you?  I'm sure there's a global warming rally you're late for.  Free Tibet!  (Oh wait.  Gosh, i guess Beastie Boys concerts don't change global politics.  Who knew?)

The other thing people are (kind of) complaining about is how Lex Luthors big plot to defeat Superman seems to stem on "upsetting" him, because Superman's next weakness behind that green rock from Smallville is "feelings."  Part of the method is having a big talking Gorilla beat up a Z-grade hero named Geo-Force.  Obviously, this reader is fully in support of beating Z-grade heroes--that's why comics have those characters anyway.  Still, it would make more logical sense that if you wanted to "upset" Superman, you'd beat up somebody who's name he could remember.  After all, Geo-Force is low on the totem pole not just because he's only got a fan club of ten people, but because other comic book characters don't like him much either.  Beat up Jimmy Olsen or something.  That'll really get Supe's fighting back the tears.

Birds of Prey # 111
Written by Tony Bedard
Art by Jason Orfalas
Published by DC Comics

I'd said I wasn't going to buy this again, and then I did anyway.  But why, you ask?  Because on the cover it said "Oracle Meets the Calculator!"  In case you don't know, there's a paraplegic hero computer hacker named "Oracle" and she has a computer hacker nemesis named "The Calculator."  He looks sort of like Val Kilmer in Real Genius, if by Val Kilmer you mean an anorexic rat person.  Anyways, these two powerhouses of modern comic storytelling meet for a battle royal during a tour of a building that's sort of similar to what a crappy writer probably imagines Microsoft's building to be like.  They settle their differences--over the 'Net!  Just like that movie with Sandra Bullock, where she ordered pizza online.  It's a real page turner.

The Mighty Avengers # 5
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Frank Cho
Published by Marvel Comics

The issue from whence this column stole it's name.  Where it is revealed that, if anybody had ever really wanted to stop Iron Man, all they had to do was buy a Commodore 64 off Ebay, and then route the operating system into...I don't know a gun or something.  Thank god it took almost a year to tell this (so far) five issue story.  It's really been worth the wait.  Like really, really worth the wait.

Oh, and because it's apparently the yearly "women are getting objectified in comics, did you hear about it, it's totally never happened before i think," Frank Cho's art is still really boring and full of heaving bosoms and ass shots.  And whatever, blog about it.

Powers # 26
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Michael Avon Oeming
Published by Icon/Marvel Comics

Powers cost more money than it used too, but it's longer, and it's going to try to come out in a timely fashion.  Still, it's becoming more and more suspicious that Bendis is seriously retreading his earlier work on the series, much like he's repeating himself in New Avengers & Ultimate Spider-Man.  While it would please a lot of whiny comic fans if the cracks in the Bendis-writes-everything-Marvel facade are starting to show, it's more likely that he's just editing old scripts late at night while working up the next huge crossover series that's going to try to outsell the last huge crossover series.  Still, this issue of Powers is pretty mundane, and the morgue attendant who spends the last couple of pages with a room full of bodies saying "THESE ARE OUR CHILDREN" is a little too much like that woman who's married to Reverand Lovejoy on the Simpsons.  It's like, yeah, we got it.  Dead kids is bad.  Sort of knew that before I gave the fat guy 4 bucks.

DMZ # 24
Written by Brian Wood
Art by Riccardo Burchielli
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

DMZ #23 was an excellent done-in-one story about a graffiti artist finishing his life's work in the ashes of a war-ravaged New York City.  DMZ #24 was a mundane back-story about a failed suicide bomber's attempt to build a semblance of a life in the ashes of the same locale.  Lesson learned:  Graffiti artists and their life's work?  Totally great read.  Failed suicide bombers and their "angst" over failure?  About as interesting eating a fistful of pennies.

The Checkmate # 19
Written by Greg Rucka
Art by Joe Bennett & Jack Jadson
Published by DC Comics

Rucka's decided to rip a bit on Marvel's Civil War story, and although that's normally something worth criticizing, Checkmate's a bit smarter than Civil War was, so no foul is called.  Still, not much of a surprise here, as the "Fall of the Wall" storyline continues: if you've ever read a comic with Amanda Waller in it, you know that, little pepper that she is, she's always going to wait until it seems like she's cornered to whip out that picture she has where you're going down on a Martian.   Again, lesson time--Airplane bathrooms are the safe blowjob location: AIRPORT bathrooms will get you nailed quicker than This Old House.

Captain America # 31
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Steve Epting
Published by Marvel Comics

It should be acknowledged that Captain America isn't being read in a vacuum at this time.  Due to Marvel's "reprint everything in massive hardcover collections whether there's a need or market" attitude, this reader is currently making his second way through the first 25 issues of Brubaker's Captain America.  As has been mentioned in this websites previous incarnation, Captain America was neither a series or character that had ever made it's way across these desks--simply put, we had no interest.  We did, however, like Ed Brubaker.  His work on Catwoman had, up until the brilliant art was replaced with absolute cheesecake, been one of the most surprisingly enjoyable DC comics of recent memory, as had his nihilistic Gotham Central, written with Greg Rucka.  His exit from DC's doors wasn't greeted with a lot of pleasant emotion. 

Why such personal disclosure, when it's well known that "personal disclosure" and "comic books" often inspires revulsion in said reader/writer? 

Because Captain America is a great series, and even as this comic soldiers on, with it's namesake now six issues dead, it remains one of the few comic books that's been written with some long range planning in mind.  Even now, 31 issues, Brubaker is still telling the same story he started in a dark bunker "in Russia, near the Kazakhstan border."  He's telling it with style, with action, and with that almost nearly impossible to grasp quality that Marvel & DC almost totally lack, that Anders Nilsen has in abundance.  He's telling it with maturity.

The Boys # 11
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Darick Robertson & Rodney Ramos
Published by Dynamite Entertainment

A lighter issue of the Boys than usual--excepting the part where someone has their face ripped off and then delivered in a pizza box, Ennis & Robertson spent most of the issue introducing a few new characters.   As is his wont, there's a Russian pining for the blood-soaked days of Communism, and a few months off has shown that the ear for ridiculously over-the-top Russian slang exhibited in Ennis' Punisher Max series hasn't faded a bit--and neither has this readers enjoyment of said over-the-top Russian slang.  For good measure, the characters may finally have a proper foe in the form of Little Nina, a woman who so far has only exhibited a penchant for some heated masturbation.  (She's probably responsible for the pizza-face thing too.)  Otherwise, it's just more nasty black comedy in the book that continues to showcase why DC gave their testicles away around the same time they gave up on publishing decent comic books.  Which was some time in the 50's, probably.

-Tucker Stone, 2007

Comments

While it's pretty obvious you write most of this stuff so you can publicly congratulate yourself for your superior intelligence and good taste (as demonstrated by repeat purchases of Justice League of America and Mighty Avengers), you may want to shut your hole when it comes to criticizing other people's crusades.

If you had paid the least bit attention to the angry feminist comic blogging, the point isn't that people have suddenly noticed this shit-- it's that they're deciding to say "we don't care if this is a tradition, we want it to fucking stop". Especially since, month after month, sales suggest that T&A doesn't increase sales and just kind of ends up there because, hey, it's a glorious tradition, like lynching niggers and hiring Hispanics to do all of your lawn work just outside Home Depot.

Not that I expect you to give a shit about anything other than whose face got ripped off in your funnybook, or who's eating who over in the Marvel Zombies (lol!!!1). You just keep on reviewing the... "Top 25 Albums of 1983", which is I'm sure a discussion fraught with meaning, originality, and maturity, the likes of which no one else has ever dared before.

[markus]

Not as funny as the last ones IMO, but thanks anyway.
Oh, and, while I don't agree with the previous poster (who IMO misunderstood) he/she has a point in that the selection of titles seems too limited and repeat purchases/complaints limit the impact of your criticism. If you want to complain, surely there's enough crappy comics being published, if you want to read better books, surely those can be found as well.

[andre]

Just like the the "discussion" your having now is fraught with meaning? Dont you realize that your own fucking ridiculous self centered, aggressive, slanderous comments on someones innocent and well thought out blog makes you one of the worst people on earth? CLAN MEMBERS NAZIS PEDOPHILES and assholes like you are all the same. You shit on other for your own personal game and you are the scum of the earth. With enough diligence maybe you could brainwash your little sister into assassinating Barack Obama. HES BLACK AND A MAN! TWO THINGS YOU REALLY HATE! YEAHHHHHHHH!

[Ben Stone]

I do not have a business degree, but why is it that so many people have such a hard time understanding the basics of a free economy? If T&A didn't sell comics, they wouldn't sell. Therefore, they would not be printed and we wouldn't discuss them. Yet, they apparently do sell, and people like my brother take the time to not only read them, but write about them. So then the question becomes, Hmm. How can I, a simple girl with an open mouth just waiting for someone to insert ideas in to my head so I can regurgitate them like original thoughts, stop the wheels of a strongest economy this world has ever known? I know, I'll log on to a feminist website that complains about T&A in comic books, and then I'll seek out websites that would provide me a forum to insult people that disagree with our poorly constructed arguments! Yeahh!! I can almost hear the capitalism grinding to a halt. It is just another sad pathetic case of those who don't have the capacity to create, trying to take a shit on those that do.

[markus]

err Ben are you trying to get into andre's boat?
Seriously, that's a load of horseshit you're offering there that makes the comics discussed in the OP seem like doctoral theses in comparison. Where to begin? The misogynistic characterisation of certain women as dummies who - obviously - arrive at their position not by original thought but by parroting, whereas presumably your own are all hand crafted. Then there's the invention and attribution of a ludicrous motive which we know isn't present. (Yeah, yeah, just hyperbole, I know, I'm a humourless git and you're a passive-aggressive wanker trying to sneak in another insult. Go fuck yourself.) Third, "disagreement" with arguments of whatever quality didn't happen. Your brother took a cheap shot is all. Sure, the first commenter went unacceptably off the rails about it, but then again he/she offered more actual argument than both brothers Stone together, which buy her some credit in my book. YMMV.
Finally, I really, really appreciate the irony of your last sentence. It's nonsense, criticism is well possible without being an artist oneself and a customer can well comment how he/she feels about their purchase just like that. But the real kicker here is not that you would drag out such a tired old bingo'ed fallacy, or that it doesn't even apply to the feminist criticism that apparently set you off, but that it _is_ used against the posts of your brother with considerably more justification.
I wish you were your brother, then that last line might be a brilliant example of self-depreciating wit, an ouroboros style wink at the audience, but unfortunately your previous post strongly suggests you're not that smart.

You're right, I'm not that smart. I don't even read that much.

[Ben Stone]

You're right, I'm not that smart. I don't even read that much. I did create some art of my own though. check it out at

http://myspace.com/gdubnation

I rap under the name Stone Loc'

[Ben Stone]

You're right, I'm not that smart. I don't even read that much. I did create some art of my own though. check it out at

http://myspace.com/gdubnation

I rap under the name Stone Loc'