Comics Of The Weak: I Don't Think It's Supposed To Be A Quiet Week When The Ultimates Comes Out

Omega The Unknown # 3
Written by Jonathan Lethem & Karl Rusnak
Art by Farel Dalrymple & Paul Hornschemeier
Published by Marvel Comics

It's no secret that the Factual hasn't been very impressed by the first two issues of Omega, and that we're continuing to check in on this title out of loyalty to he-that-wrote Motherless Brooklyn.  That being said, this issue was actually pretty rewarding--possibly because it didn't have much competition on a day when most of what came out was somewhere about three drunks past disgusting.  Whether it's because Lethem's intensely obnoxious protagonist showed some signs of becoming a little more tolerable, or whether it's because the signs of a larger plot are beginning to be seen, Omega # 3 was nowhere near as dull as it had been.  However, this comic still doesn't seem to be anything that Jonathan Lethem needed to waste his time doing--and at this point, a better issue or not, Omega the Unknown feels like something that's exactly that:  a miserable waste of a writer who's much better than this. (Although Fortress of Solitude kind of blew.)

The Ultimates 3 # 1
Written by Jeph Loeb
Art by Joe Madureira & Christian Lichtner
Published by Marvel Comics

What can you say about it that probably won't get mentioned anywhere else?  It's terrible stuff, so bad that it makes Mark Millar's first 24 issues seem like the second coming of Christ the Comics Writer.  The art is just as hideous as possible, and in some cases, Madereria even stretches the boundary of that description.   Whoever it is that's masturbating to these nipple shots and triple M breasts--fucking STOP.  Just go to Megarotic for the sake of the rest of us, who are grown up enough to have discerning (Non-Marvel) porn tastes.  There's a shit-ton of terrible super-hero comics right now, most of them being somehow connected to DC's terrible Countdown/Infinite Crisis nonsense, but when everything gets said and done, the dismal horror that has become Jeph Loeb's work is in a league of it's own.  When did this start?  Was Tim Sale the only thing that made his work any good?  Challengers of the Unknown Must Die, The Long Halloween--those were pretty decent.  Ultimates 3?  It's so fucking stupid it creates a class of it's own.

Justice League of America # 15
Written by Dwayne McDuffie
Art by Ed Benes & Sandra Hope
Published by DC Comics

Dwayne McDuffie's current run on Justice League is a lot like what happens when you let a four year old mix paint--since they don't know any better, they just keep adding in every color, thinking that the swirling rainbow, which can be sort of interesting, can only get more interesting the more they mix it.  Then it eventually turns that ugly shit color, and they mistakingly think that if they just keep going, keep adding more and more colors, that they're going to work their way back to cool looking.  Do you already have all the major players?  Batman, Superman, Lex Luthor, the Joker, a Green Lantern, Black Canary, Wonder Woman?  Still not working?  Well, just throw in Red Tornado, Red Arrow, Firestorm and the Cheetah.  Wait, that didn't work.  Cull the archives--yeah, here we go, Dr. Light!  Giganta!  Gorilla Grood!  Geo-Force!  Don't stop now, go get another Green Lantern!  Wait, what about Hawkgirl?  And Chesire?  Deathstroke?  Huh...how about Mr. Freeze?  Uhh--Killer Frost?  Well fuck.  I don't know...wait, another team?  The Suicide Squad!  Yeah, Deadshot and Bane, all those dudes.  And Plastique.

Uh, and put in a couple of relationships.  And talking.  AND fighting.  Oh, and Ed Benes is gonna do the art, so we've got some nipple shots.  And ass shots.  (Yeah, don't worry, Black Canary learned how to dislocate her spine to "present" her rear like that.  She learned at Karate school.)  And there we go, 22 pages of every single piece of DC Comics, doing shit on every page!  Didn't miss a step!  Didn't forget nothing!  What more could anybody want?

Wait.

OH SHIT THERE ISNT A PLOT

Lobster Johnson: The Iron Prometheus # 4
Written by Mike Mignola
Art by Jason Armstrong
Published by Dark Horse Comics

If you splice the pages of silly goofball of Lobster Johnson with the eye-rolling mythic nonsense in Hellboy Darkness Calls, you'd probably end up with something that's almost as entertaining as BPRD.  But for some reason, the two are being presented seperately--Hellboy is boring and full of indeceirable mysticism, and Lobster Johnson is just dumb.  Sure, they both look great, and Lobster is a model of stoicism, but he sure as fuck isn't worth reading about for 22 pages.  He's just a dude in a leather jacket and goggles, punching shit and barely speaking.  That does not a story make.  Especially when everything surrounding him behaves as if it's been created to be on the cover of a pulp novel about Ming the Merciless--like, literally, just created for the cover.  Nothing beyond that--idea as image only.  You could line up the entire library of Dungeons of Dragon books and pretty much get the same feeling, even though that's a different genre.

Robin # 169
Written by Peter Milligan
Art by David Baldeon & Steve Bird
Published by DC Comics

The cover of this issue says that this is Part 5 of the Resurrection of Ra's Al Ghul.  However, upon opening the issue, the title pages says it's Part 4.  It's an honest mistake, that is, if this was a Whitesnake fanzine printed at Kinko's, instead of a mass-market publication from Time Warner that, one would hope, has editors.  We imagine it must go something like this:  DC's editorial division stops by and checks on the various artists it has working on the Resurrection of Ra's Al Ghul storyline and, instead of noticing the glaringly obvious mistake, they focus instead on whether or not it's possible to find an even worse artist than the previous issues of the cross-over.  Meaning David Baldeon, who seems to be terrified at the prospect of including a background in almost every single panel he draws.  When he does insert something, it's merely a texture or some type of small building.  Which means that when the comic isn't taking place against muted color schemes, it's taking place in rocky areas, because that seems to be the only type of background he's capable of.  It wouldn't be that noticeable if his figure drawings, or at least the faces attached to the figures, were any good.  They, of course, are not.  Peter Milligan's story isn't really long enough to make for a good comic anyway--it's so thin that it could've been covered in less than half the page count--but this comic suffers from such an embarrassingly awful choice of artist that it's almost unreadable.  If anything, this comic is worth having solely to give to an autistic math savants so he can count how many times the characters experience weight fluctuations of over 40 pounds, drastic hairstyle changes, and, most irritating of all, massive discrepancies in the size and shape of their noses.  No one around these offices could keep up.

The Exterminators # 24
Written by Simon Oliver
Art by Tony Moore & John Lucas
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Tony Moore returns to the book, following Darick Robertson's guest stint, for this done-in-one issue which puts our intrepid exterminators aboard a cruise ship with a soon-to-be-nasty butterfly infestation.  Since Simon Oliver and Moore will never be satisfied with bloodthirsty people killing butterflies, there's also an "anything goes" type brothel operating below deck and a hey-isn't-that-Marlon-Brando-in-Apocaplse Now captain.  All in all, it's a lot of dark humor, a decent amount of gross, and it's a relatively refreshing after the recent longer storyline went, kind of, nowhere.  The Factual has thrown nothing but love at the Exterminators for two years now, and nothing has changed--it's still great, and you're still choosing Countdown and the Messiah Complex instead.  Whatever--it's not our loss.

Northlanders # 1
Written by Brian Wood
Art by Davide Gianfelice
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Whassup, i got this idea.  It's about Vikings and shit.  Yeah, totally, I know!  Vikings, man!  Nobodies like ever done this before!  Like, see, these dudes fight with swords, and they ride on boats, and they got these crazy Scandanivian names and, like totally swords, i told you about the swords right?  And i got this idea, it's like the plot to lion king, or braveheart, where this dude, this dude who's gotta sword and a boat, and he like is totally pissed that this other dude stole his money, this dude who's totally his uncle like in hamlet you see that?  Hamlet?  Its cool, doesnt matter.  No, but these dudes, the kid dude i mean, he's gonna get his money back man--cause like see, he's got this boat and this sword and he totally doesn't take shit man, just like that lion in lion king.  It's so awesome it's like gonna change the world man, before you know it everybodies gonna be all like by the power of greyskull gimme my money dick.  totally like best comic idea ever right?  right?

-Tucker Stone, 2007

Comments

[sean witzke]

So... it's a good thing I missed Northlanders coming out? Did I dodge a bullet there?

And is it the current consensus that I'm a dick because I used to really like Jeph Loeb? Witching Hour and Long Halloween were great books. What the hell happened?

Also, did you read Kabuki? That was REALLY good.

[Tucker Stone]

Northlanders isn't much of a bullet, but it's certainly another manila folder in the file cabinet of Why Not Just Publish This All At Once box--it's not a story that's well served by the pamphlet nation. Hell, i'm still a fan of Long Halloween. I got turned on to Loeb's Challengers book last year, and i dig it too--but Superman/Batman, Wolverine, Ultimate Power, Ultimates 3--Loeb's recent work is god awful. (I also understand he's somewhat responsible for some of that show Heroes that I know you don't care for.) Maybe it was Tim Sale all along?

[Tucker Stone]

Oh, and i'd stopped keeping up with Kabuki--the schedule Mack's on seems so elastic that i figured i'd just make it a trade read. I like his stuff better in the collected format anyway.

[sean witzke]

Well weeks like this are the reason I never pick up anything in trade - so there's always something. And occassionally it's something great.

Also I finally got to read the first eight books worth of 100 Bullets this weekend. Everyone was completely right.

[Leigh Walton]

I love you.

(although the Northlanders review is unfair -- you nailed it in the comments, but not in the post itself)