Comics Of The Weak: Everytime A Comic Sucks, An Angel Punches A Baby Dolphin

Young Avengers Presents Patriot # 1
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Paco Medina & Juan Vlasco
Published by Marvel Comics

There's got to be some kind of award for when a comic book about a teenager isn't full of cloying, sentimental dialog and existential hand-wringing.  That way, they could give it to Ed Brubaker for this completely out-of-left-field comic book.  It's little more than an examination of the Patriot character, a young black man suffering from both a lack of faith in himself, and an understandable amount of rage at a government that's mistreated both him and his family.  If that's not a recipe for a terrible piece of comic book writing, than that's only because he's not struggling with pregnancy or drugs.  It's safe to say that these sorts of stories are what comic books do worse than every other industry that plays its wares in the fiction department--super-hero comics have about as much subtlety as a burning building.  Yet, for some reason, Brubaker's little story about an angry kid is actually pretty well done.  It's not very exciting, no, but it is a decent little bit of character development--and regardless of what anybody might say about Green Lantern, that shit never happens.

The Ultimates 3 # 2
Written by Jeph Loeb
Art by Joe Madureira
Published by Marvel Comics

This is a piece of shit, obviously.  Of course, it's a piece of shit that outsold everything else, so go figure.  While everybody may have taken it apart and said nastiness about it, including this office, it's what a huge amount of people wanted.  (The argument that nobody knew it was going to be that bad until they bought it doesn't work--it was by the guys who handled Ultimate Power and Battle Chasers.  Pleas of ignorance aren't permitted under those circumstances.)  It's no real shock that this issue is poorly written--so was the first issue.  Nor has the ugly as fuck art gotten any less ugly-as-fuck.  But at least this one has the line, "Wanda is DEAD.  I will never be able to have SEX with my SISTER again!" 

(I didn't read this issue.)

Gotham Underground # 4
Written by Frank Tieri
Art by J. Calafiore & Jack Purcell
Published by DC Comics

Batman's entire publication history is littered with these sorts of mini-series--there's no company-wide term for them, but every super-hero fan knows them on sight.  They're the equivalent of a straight-to-DVD sequel to a Disney movie--not anywhere near interesting enough to be published in the main title and being handled by comics creators that are either on their way out the door or still struggling on their way in.  Although there's some afterlife for a few of these tales in the trade market, for the most part they're just bad stories, told badly.  Gotham Underground, while being vaguely advertised as being sort of important, is no different.  Four issues in, and all that Tieri has done is provided a plot that's scattered enough to involve every major member of the Batman family, as well as introduce quite a few new (and hideously designed) villains as well.  It's still got another few months to go before it reaches whatever horseshit twist is going to be termed the conclusion, but unless something on the level of a cross-over with Naruto occurs, it's another comic that will find itself on the way to being packing material for Ebay purchases.

Dan Dare # 3
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Gark Erskine
Published by Virgin Comics

The same criticism that was leveled against Dan Dare # 2 is applied here--there's still no fiscal sense in Virgin attempting to build a brand name in comics with the sort of comics that can be filed alongside any failed super-hero/science fiction title published by Dark Horse or Image.  That being said, this title has gotten better with each subsequent issue, and this issue, which consists almost in totality of a well drawn and superbly structured military battle, is without a doubt the best one yet.  It's no real surprise that Garth Ennis can write a war sequence with this much clarity, but Erskine's artwork being able to support it so well does come a bit out of left field--his skills are mostly in more of the conversational style of comic.  Virgin will undoubtedly survive the woes of comic book publishing long enough to end up with a few decent trade reprints of these stories, but it would still be ridiculous to imagine that any of their line, Dan Dare included, will still exist in another few years.

The Authority Prime # 4
Written by Christos Gage
Art by Darick Robertson
Published by Wildstorm/DC Comics

It was a close one this time--although Prime served up it's fourth issue of non-stop fighting, it almost looked like the last page wouldn't include the final piece of dialog that guaranteed another issue of non-stop fighting to come.  Thankfully, one of the team decided that she wanted to "Kill them all," which, in honor of Marvel's One More Day storyline, was of course in a red font.  (Red fonts mean bad things.  Or good things, wait, good things?)  What's so incredibly fascinating about this terrible mini-series is that it's sort of implied that this is in some way leading up to something important for the Wildstorm line of comics--yet nothing of any importance has happened.  Even the previous issues implications of dead main characters was reversed in this issue, so they could get up and keep fighting--there's only two issues to go, and unless there's one of those full text pages that contain some Steinbeck level exposition, then this whole series is being published to fill the void of "stories where people get punched on every page" market.  Not a bad idea, except for the little fact that there isn't a void in that department. 

Marvel Zombies 2 # 4
Written by Robert Kirkman
Art by Sean Phillips
Published by Marvel Comics

Robert Kirkman is well on his way to a career in torture if he wants it.  This current Marvel Zombies mini-series is one of the most well-structured pieces of comics as boring, and boring as pain, in the history of the medium.  It's interesting, as a thought experiment, to ponder the fact that one actually requires talent to create something this irritating--if it were just another cheaply made and unreadable indie super-hero comic, then it's much easier to just hate it for a second and forget it.  But when it's from a couple of guys who do stuff one likes, like Kirkman's Walking Dead and Sean Phillips on Criminal, then one finds themselves a bit naked and unprepared to be this assaulted with banality.  It's like being raped by someone, but having them do it really slowly, like achingly slowly, but it still being over in the same amount of time as if it happened like it does in Gasper Noe's Irreversible.  (And yes, I know you find it offensive to compare reading a Marvel comic to being raped,  but seriously, we'd all rather get raped then murdered, wouldn't we?  Hell, we'd WAIT IN LINE to get raped if it meant we wouldn't get murdered.  Hell, I'd rather get raped twice then watch Forrest Gump again.  And I've been raped, so I can make the distinction.)

Hellblazer # 240
Written by Andy Diggle
Art by Leonardo Manco
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

For the coming future, this feature may stop reviewing Hellblazer--at least until it gets a new writer, or something along those sort of drastic changes.  Andy Diggle's run on the title has been one of the most consistently entertaining of any regular comic book, and its starting to feel a bit disrespectful to see something that's this well done, this sure of what it is, to be sandwiched between things like Whedon's generic X-Men stories and Kirkman's hypnotically dull Marvel Zombies.  In other words, Hellblazer--still pretty great, everything else-still pretty bad.

Astonishing X-Men # 24
Written by Joss Whedon
Art by John Cassady
Published by Marvel Comics

Joss Whedon's run on Astonishing X-Men has never been lacking in the "clever dialog" content, and this issue once again delivers that, as Wolverine points out early in the issue that "Standing around talking feels a lot like standing around talking."  Of course, Wolverine's cry for blood results in the continuation of the various fight sequences that had been aborted by previous incarcerations and conversations, and this X-Men-vacation-among-aliens storyline (and Whedon's run on the title) are finally nearing its close.  The result of this (one assumes) expensive experiment in letting a popular television writer handle some of Marvel's most popular action figures has been high sales, and that's really all that mattered anyway.  It's a worthy argument, frequently made, that these are the sort of things super-hero comics can do best--decently structured writing coupled with excellent art telling a pretty standard action movie trope--but after Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman, it's clear that even the most basic of genre super-hero work could have been quite a bit more inspired, considering Whedon and Cassady's track record.

Legion of Super-Heroes # 38
Written by Jim Shooter
Art by Francis Manapul & Livesay
Published by DC Comics

Jim Shooter continues his attempt to make one of the most extravagant versions of super-hero spandex porn relevant and readable.  The thing about the Legion of Super-Heroes is that, like Marvel's X-books, it's a comic with a massive cast of characters to draw from, making it perfectly designed to be the sort of comic that appeals to the limited audience interested in comics that make no attempt to attract new readers.  The difference is that the X-books do reach a large audience that doesn't seem to be phased by the detailed soap opera history that the books carry, whereas the only people who keep up with the Legion seems to be old comics fans angry that the comic constantly revamps itself, dumping the massive history its built.  (There's also the constant argument that the X-characters are "relatable" to a modern audience, usually followed by pointing out that, when they aren't dying, they date each other and whine a lot.)  Jim Shooter's job on Legion shouldn't be referred to as a "thankless" one, if only because that description would conceivably apply to anybody who ever worked on a super-hero comic book--but his job certainly isn't one that looks appealing.  DC's corporate history makes it clear that they're never going to stop trying to publish a Legion comic book, no matter how many times they cancel it due to low sales, and Shooter's current position as the guy who's trying to get it to appeal to anyone who wasn't born in the 60's is pretty much that--the comics news may treat the former Marvel Editor-In-Chief as something historic, but this sort of detail is the very definition of work-for-hire.  He's teamed with the sort of artist that Legion probably best needs, someone who draws the stylized spandex costumes that a team of thousands requires--and so far, the comic is working as best as it really can.  But the Legion is published for a small slice of a market that's already dwindling, and it's going to take a lot more than watching Lightning Lad break down weeping for this comic to pull in a new group of readers.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Comments

[Sharif]

"It's like being raped by someone, but having them do it really slowly, like achingly slowly, but it still being over in the same amount of time as if it happened like it does in Gasper Noe's Irreversible."

There have got to be more appropriate comic reading experiences to compare to the slow rape in Irreversible. You think Marvel Zombies was bad, check out New Exiles.

[Tucker Stone]

New Exiles? Usually Chris Claremont leaves me a tip after dropping a pearl necklace.

[Amy]

That rape line wasn't nearly as offensive as I was anticipating. I think you've gone soft.

[Sharif]

The Young Avengers story was OK (I liked the classroom scene), but I take issue with Bucky's choice of casual wear. Certainly, he knew that Patriot was on his way over, and sure he wasn't going to get caught lounging in his jockeys. Still, I can't believe he dresses like George S. Patton while hanging out in his Brooklyn loft.

[Tucker Stone]

Dude, i'm in a Brooklyn apartment right now, and I'm dressed Exactly Like George Patton. The first thing that goes on my body after a difficult day is my Dress Blues and my Purple Heart.