Comics Of The Weak: Don't Worry, It's Still Your Mom. I Just Shaved Her Tongue, That's All.

This week all comics reviews were done in a style that is clearly more popular to the regular comic book reader/reviewer. 

Batman & The Outsiders # 4
Written by Chuck Dixon
Art by Julian Lopez & Bit
Published by DC Comics

[All that matters is whether a fan has fun]

Some people might tell you that this was just another boring ass  issue of Batman & The Outsiders where not a whole lot happened--hey, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but let me tell you mine:  those people need to lighten up!  This was a GREAT issue of one of DC's BEST new series--what an awesome year 2008 is turning out to be.  First of all, in case you were wondering whether anybody was going to mention Batgirl being a member of the League of Assassins again, well guess what?  Green Arrow did.

And it was RAD.

First off, we all know that Batgirl is totally badass, and to see her and Ollie go at it in the jungle is like a dream come true--seriously, a legendary hero versus one of the toughest fighters and coolest characters DC has to offer?  How can you not love that?  Then, to have them come to a grudging respect for one another as soon as Katana (one of my personal favorite characters of the 80's) makes them "settle down." 

Whoa.  This is good comics.  If you're not into this, that's fine I guess--go read manga or something.  Because for me, this is what comic books are all about.  Make mine...DC!

Batman: Confidential # 13
Written by Tony Bedard
Art by Rags Morales & Mark Farmer
Published by DC Comics

[Continuity is all that matters you filthy sycophant]

Hmmmm.  Once again, Batman: Confidential must think that us Batman readers don't have a memory of any kind?  It's a well known fact that Alfred had never lied to Dick Grayson until the seminal Titans epic "A Marriage Razed Into Blood," when Alfred told Dick that Starfire was in the other room to prevent him from following the Omega Men to Apokolips.  In fact, Dick's actual words were "You lied to me Alfie--you've never lied to me before!"  And Alfred responded by saying, "No Dick, I never have, and I would never do it again."  While it would be a minor quibble if this story was set after that Titans moment, it is clearly PRIOR to that moment, as Dick is portrayed here in Batman: Confidential as wearing the V.1 of his Nightwing outfit, whereas his outfit in the Titans "Marriage" story, he is wearing Nightwing outfit V.2. 

Seriously guys, it's not that hard to do the research before you make yourselves look stupid.  Just check with the DC message boards, or read the Wikipedia entry on Nightwing.  My friend Louis and I check it twice a week to make sure it's accurate and up to date.

The Immortal Iron Fist: Orson Randall & The Green Mist of Death # 1
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Nick Dragotta, Mike Allred, Laura Allred, Russ Heath, Lewis LaRosa, Stefano Gaudiano, Matt Hollingsworth & Mitch Breitweiser
Published by Marvel Comics

[Big words MotherFUCKER big words]

There is a basal axiological problem at the nucleus of all super-hero epics.  That being the esteem of the exertion of violence to change the behavioral status of the "villains" in a story--as few of the "heroes" are absolute executioners, the end-state of all violent acts performed by them is often the modification of a mien as well as the abeyance of an "act."  However, the remonstration of the value of these acts being rarely explored is oft-ignored, meaning that the actual modification of behavior is infrequently addressed.  That is what makes this latest issue of Iron Fist such a surprisingly effective read:  here, Iron Fist actually puts value theory to work,  forcing his opponent to question the merits of his actions against the back-drop of the opponents own world view, weltanshaung if you will.  Up until the moment where these questions are put to bear, the story is one of purposeless battle, but it is upon these moments of world view exploration that all things, being transient, finally embrace the reality of their construction and, of course, do perform a transience.

Wolverine: Origins # 22
Written by Daniel Way
Art by Steve Dillon
Published by Marvel Comics

[Confusingly written plot synopsis from memory]

Deadpool still doesn't have his mask and he dropped a piano on Wolverine and then Wolverine chases him after he gets up.  Deadpool sees this on a digital camera that he steals from some guy on the street so he goes inside a restaurant and Wolverine follows him.  But then the manager of the restaurant tells Wolverine to leave (and she's this really big lady who looks mean) and she threatens Wolverine and he lets her punch him and it looks like it hurts but it really just hurts her and then Wolverine goes outside and Deadpool shoots at him I think?  But then somehow Deadpool gets a little wire on Wolverine's leg and he gets dragged behind a train and then Deadpool gets his landlady to let him to his apartment so he can get his other mask cause he's kind of gross and old looking and then he goes outside and the train is coming back around and Wolverine and Deadpool are going to fight more next issue, because it says to be continued.  This was a good issue of Wolverine and it was colorful but Deadpool is gross to look at without his mask on i am glad he has it on now.

Robin # 171
Written by Chuck Dixon
Art by Chris Batista, Cam Smith & Rick Ketcham
Published by DC Comics

[This is like this plus this]

Chuck Dixon has always been the John Ford of modern comic books--he's either using Batman as John Wayne in The Searchers teamed up with a Robin straight out of Young Mr. Lincoln against the Ridley Scott background of Blade Runner with the hyper-hard boiled prose of Jim Thompson as they stride out against the forces of evil, usually whatever left-over extras that Dixon can find lurking on the set of Law & Order Criminal Intent.  It doesn't hurt that they look like Darth Vader by way of Michael Kors--bright purple dress of doom, you see.  This latest issue of Robin is no different--it's an episode of Buffy being played out on the set of Blade: Trinity, and it's, no surprise, as great as that sounds, all falling asleep on roller coasters while the bad guys set up their evil plots and Batman goes to bed early, just like a little boy following bread crumbs to a Technicolor house of gumdrops, where the wicked witch is Chris Batista and the only way out is to survive the oven with a Teflon cape made of hard work.

The Mighty Avengers # 9
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Mark Bagley, Danny Miki, Allen Martinez & Victor Olazaba
Published by Marvel Comics

[Non-stop usage of own language and smilies.]

OMG, rly rly awsm!  Ya know im not a big fn of bendis grrrrr-a thon!  but Iron Man vs Doom??? Lurv! :) :) Not srre why the cover shows Doomy with SpdrWmn--WTH?  That NEVR HPPNS!   Still, I was like--Turn pgs and der's SIX PGS of Drerwings!  Yay! Yay!  Mebbe got sick of always talking >.>.> like last weeks New Avngrs (which totally never read cuz of Tigra beat up-SO GROSS you guys, but if more Avengers is like This? :D Yay x 2!  Still luv Wondy-man-rarw, like a cat mebbe?  Rly ya shuld buy this one!  LUV U, IM me on frday!  See ya crzies at WnderCON! :\ :]

Checkmate # 23
Written by Greg Rucka & Eric Trautmann
Art by Joe Bennett & Jack Jadson
Published by DC Comics

[Hyper-Politicized]

What a surprise.  Greg Rucka, otherwise known as "Women are good as horses to ride on, Nothing More" tells a story where the Entire Checkmate organization is unable to take care of a mission themselves and has to resort to calling on Alpha-Nazi Male Superman to come and in and save the day with his gigantic penis and pectorals.  Doesn't matter that Sasha Bordeaux is one of the toughest ladies in the biz, oh GOD no, she couldn't defeat the Cult of Kobra Patriarchy--not a chance.  On top of that, DO NOT IGNORE the little moment where Sasha is on the beach with her ass proffered up like a sponge cake to "Mr. Terrific."  (Terrific?  Please.  More like Mr. Step-and-fetch-it.  It's hideous how Rucka can so openly destroy Sasha's feminine Goddess power while at the same time show Mr. Terrific as a grossly racist stereotype of black men, ogling Sasha's bottom like "This is what I fight for, White Women.")  As always, DC Comics and Checkmate are at the top of the heap for amoral lost-cause pricks who claim that Greg Rucka is the source for all Fem-Power comic books--puh-leeze.  It's just more of the same--maybe worse, because it thinks it's so "Equal."

Justice League of America # 18
Written by Alan Burnett & Dwayne McDuffie
Art by Ed Benes, Sandra Hope, Jon Boy Meyers & Mark Irwin
Published by DC Comics

[Long-winded Personal Anecdote Regarding Relationship With Series]

I've been reading the Justice League for almost twenty years this month!  How crazy is that!  I still remember that day, twenty years ago, when my buddy Steve said "hey you should check this out" and I took a look and was like "Aquaman? Are you for real Steve?" and Steve said "No, this is really good!  Wait until you read about Vibe, he's a breakdancer" and I really loved breakdancing (forgive me, what did I know, growing up in Winnipeg) and gosh darn it, I was hooked.  I've been a JLA fan ever since--i'm not ashamed to admit that I cried during that first two-parter that opened the Warner Brothers cartoon--hey, they're the heroes of my child/teenage/adulthood!  What do you expect!  (I am a bit ashamed to admit I cried when I read "Breakdowns," but I was a really big fan of General Glory in my late twenties, what can I say?)  Anyway, I've stuck with Justice League for a long time, and sometimes it's been a little hard, but like everybody says, if you can't say something nice, then you should read Adrian Tomine or something, right?  Ha ha ha, just kidding!  But yeah,  it was hard when the Justice League got canceled back when Nuklon and Icemaiden were on the team, but then they came back, and then it got hard again when it got canceled after Batman got in a fight with Green Arrow and Green Arrow was dating that Native American guys wife, but now it's been going for a while and it's been pretty good.  This issue had two stories, and it reminded me of when they use to have a Justice League Quarterly that came out four times a year (quarterly-duh! Ha ha ha.) and it was like having two Justice League books a month, four times a year!  And sometimes there were other Justice League books set in Europe, but I didn't read those--i'm not really a big fan of foreign comics, no offense.  I guess I'm just a JLA fan, what can I say.  So thanks Steve!

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Comments

[Don]

You have single-handedly burned down online comics reviewing.

[Frank Santoro]

Hilarious. My favorite is the "Long-winded Personal Anecdote Regarding Relationship With Series". HaHa.

[Jones, one of the Jones boys]

Ha ha Tomine and manga are for fags/girls.

But you forgot one reviewing style that the kids love: snarky take-down of disposable trash a la Abhay Khosala or Tucke--uh, never mind.

[MC Stank Booty]

Yes, but where is all the baby raping?

[Guy Smiley]

The real brilliance here came when I got a few lines in and realized I wasn't going to get an actual, meaningful review of these comics. And then thought, thank god, I'm not going to get an actual, meaningful review of these comics. What you've produced here is the perfect win-win.

[Biggest Factual Opinion Fan Ever]

Here is a neat little device I think might be useful in a variety of spaces. It can be used not only for performance support like Elliott Masie is researching, but also for special interest areas. It seems to be able to do a variety of things from playing videos, audios, and viewing websites. Since its was built on top of an open source developers kit, all kinds of possibilities come to mind. Specifically I think it would be great to develop custom channels for users. If you provide the Chumby as an item for...

[Boffo]

Is the Mighty Avengers one a thinly veiled jab at Ami Angelwings? That's the only comic book reviewer I can think of that actually writes like that.

[Ami Angelwings]

OMG XD Did you just pay tribute to me? Cuz that was AWESOME :DDDD

<3