The Factual Opinion

The Top 30 Albums of 2007: # 8

Spoon
Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

I do not want to write about this.  It's so fucking stupid.  Everyone on the planet knows that Spoon doesn't need me.  Spoon is more than capable of unleashing their diabolical (?) plan for world domination without me typing a single, here it comes, FUCKING word. 

Let me ask you some questions. 

Do you like music...specifically (but not limited to) the genre of rock music?   

Then you would like Spoon. 

If anyone likes pop music and then listens to Spoon they would like it.  But here is where the "kicker" comes in.  Spoon doesn't even care.  They're not trying to get you to like them!  All they wanna do is make music THEY like.  Isn't that the same crazy equation that rose Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones, and THE BEATLES to fame? 

Please God, let enough people who like music listen to Spoons' music so they can like Spoon and make them world famous.

Please let enough people hear Britt Daniels and his band tear through ten (or at least eight) of his best songs ever.

I don't know why that person is holding a cherry bomb or why Britt Daniels cares I'm too busy dancing.  The way those jingle bells jingle so brightly, the horn section evades its loser status and Britt telling us to "come on!" randomly from the stratosphere.  I'll tell you something, it's a wonderfully simplistic and freeing experience.  Rather than trying to escape their own musical restraints like this other brilliant band (Deerhunter), Spoon does it by embracing their own simple musicality.  To them it's just a bunch of beats and strings and chords--but that's a beautiful thing too!  No effects pedal required.  "The Ghost of you Lingers"  is instant proof, using a simple four chord piano progression, mike echoes, and simple tape delays to produce one of the most oddly original songs in years.  And of course nothing beats the incomparable "Finer Feelings".  From the first seconds it grandly sweeps you to some holy and wonderful summer in the back of Britts mind in which he fiercely pursues love.  Almost all of the details are missing but that's what perfectly balanced hand claps, rain makers, and percussion are for: helping you create the details yourself.  So make fuckin' way people, the band is coming through.  They're making quick ground to the top of Mt. Domination so put your headphones on. 

It's time for you to fall in love.

-Andre Harris, 2008

The Top 30 Albums of 2007: # 9

Wu-Tang Clan
8 Diagrams

This blurb is not a critical evaluation.  This blurb is an emotional response to an album I won’t hear any argument about.  Given that I don’t care if you’re convinced, and that I therefore really don’t care about things like angle and blurb structure on this bad-boy, I’m gonna tell it like a comeback story.  The smart-ass comments will be in the text, and will not be stylized for easy consumption, because that’s just how I feel about this album.  If you’ve come this far, then come a little closer to shore and wade with me, friends and neighbors.

Wu-Tang, who did more for small-town, white-kid hip-hop fandom in the than anyone, including Dre and Snoop introducing the concept of ‘G-Thang’ to the masses, looked poised to descend into objects-of-ridicule status.  Over a decade had passed since they had blended Staten Island battle raps with awesomely bastardized Kung-Fu movie philosophy and ended up on posters coast to coast.  ODB publicly flew off the handle, and then died.  Meth played a bit-part in fucking Zach Braff’s directorial debut.  Raekwon and the GZA appeared to be one-and-done after their badass solo-albums garnered them attention amongst the Warped Tour crowd.  U-God had beef that was decidedly below everyone’s level of interest.  The RZA had produced anything quote worthy other than the ‘serious dewirium, Biww Murray,” and the dorky dicks in Handsome Boy Modeling School were taking pot shots at his empire.  Iron Flag and The W hardly made a ripple.   

Only Ghostface was making albums that you could find in a Virgin Megastore rack (and I once saw a street-time Escalade promoting Fishscale with Ghost painted on in it, so at the very least, somebody put some money into promoting his efforts).  However, even if Marty told y’all that you that he was doing for hip-hop language and structure what Dylan did for folk, your friends may have heard the Neyo track at the health club, said it was pretty cool, and moved on.  The album didn’t sell.  Pitchfork labeled him the winner of the Wu-Tang relevance battle of attrition, which is a high-faluting way of saying that Wu-Tang had jumped the shark.  And then there was the preview of the GZA-filmed documentary, which hinted that if you watched the full 90 minutes when it came out, you’d be pretty sure that the Wu were all sociopaths who just wanted attention.

So when the hype machine started up for 8 Diagrams, I was already rooting for the comeback story.  The timing seemed right, you know?   Only trouble was, these things don’t often work out like I hope.  No matter how much I try to get fired up about a former flame’s new work, a few listens and a few ‘this ain’t bad’s later and I’m done.  I’m projecting, perhaps, and also a little cynical, but the comeback album doesn’t usually add to the legacy; rather, it sells out stadiums to people who just want a little more ‘Born to Run’ before they have to go back to work.

So then, here we have 8 Diagrams, and it fucking rocks – against the odds, against the backdrop of impending permanent mediocrity, against the great expectations of Forever’s million-dollar-budget videos, against the current hipster sense of musical consumption-and-disposal-and-look-it’s-PBR-in-cans at-a-bar neat!  It’s music that makes people uncomfortable and still ensnares listeners.  The productions feels like it’s part Wu-Tang battle beats, part Wu-Tang mafia-opera strings and synth, part comfortable East-coast lyricists lounge digestive, and part bat-shit crazy tinkering.  Go and read all those parts again and see if you can reconcile them.  Then add guest spots by George Clinton riffing on Red Riding Hood and Erykah Badu compromising the Beatles with child-like empress tones with John Frusciante ‘refreshing’ Clapton’s guitar (and I’d love to talk to you at great length about why in God’s name Wu-Tang decided to rework a Beatles’ song about hurt and the artist’s helpless responsibility to address it.  The Wu got the hurt part, but their take on artistic and social responsibility is… well, a bit mixed.  Seriously, let’s you and me talk).  Oh yeah, and then add the work of a suddenly refreshed group of generation-defining MCs who were in the right place at the right time to deliver like a bad NBA nickname (like Karl Malone and shit).

But these are all features on a product – back to that listener-ensnaring.  What you need to go out RIGHT NOW and get excited about is how good it feels to process your love for this album (do it).  You want to bob your head and break your neck like Busta Rhymes couldn’t possibly compel you to do.  You said you didn’t care if the neighbors were offended – now you want to play this on your porch so you can see just how much you meant it.  Despite their elder statesmen status, Wu-Tang does not make this one free of some juvenile nastiness that the old folks and PC won’t ever embrace.  And yet, they don’t seem to bring uncomfortable just for the sake of making you wince anymore.  The kind folks at P-Spork will tell you every four reviews or so that the Beach Boys were all fun fun fun until things got complicated but couldn’t lose those fun fun fun pop sensibilities, and thus all indie-pop bands must try to comply.  Conversely, Wu-Tang used to spew outrageous battle rap claims because the people wanted it; now things aren’t as simple as trying to get rich through working a crowd.  They got rich, the public turned on them, the RZA got some peculiar ideas about religion, the ODB kicked the bucket, and they found themselves catering primarily to white kids.  They have to be aware of all of this.  And yet, you can’t take the battle verse groove out of the bizarre narratives and the outrageous binary intellectual / nuttin to fugg wit binary claims.  After all, they’re eight-plus dudes in their late thirties making up stories of pimp-dom and sexual conquest, and they make it work.  IT WORKS!  WU TANG IS BACK!  BIG WU TANG IS UNPREDICTABLE!

Of course, after the album came out, Ghostface threw the RZA under the bus, key members stopped showing up on tour, and they apparently went back to playing the same set they’ve been playing live since 1999.  So maybe not so unpredictable.  So be grateful they came together like they did, play this one loud.  If the stars align, I could be selling you another comeback story in 2013.

Thank you very much.  This concludes the address.  Punch and pie in the lobby, biotch.

-Josh Woodbeck, 2008

Stunt Casting: Stephanie Woodbeck Versus The Spirit, Wonder Woman, and a brief mention of a cat.

The latest Stunt Casting was able to find one of those rare individuals who had never purchased, read or even held a comic book in their hands.  She kindly agreed to allow the Factual's Intrepid Interviewer into her home for what was, quite possibly, one of the most boring hours of her life.  Thankfully, she was interesting enough to make this interview, which is rather lengthy, quite entertaining.  Included are her thoughts on the latest issue of DC's The Spirit, whether Wonder Woman's costume makes any sense, and all around good sportswoman like behavior from someone who, more than anyone else, was doing us an incredibly kind favor.

Cat Discussions

TFO: [Regarding the cat] I saw the other one in the back.

Stephanie: She had her butt examined by the vet and she's been hiding under the bed since then.  She's very upset.

TFO: [Long pause]  Alright, you ready to do this?

Stephanie: Sure.

On What She Chose, And Why She Chose It

TFO: Well, what made you choose that comic, The Spirit?

Stephanie: The silly dude who has the ape-jaw on the cover.  Who was not in the comic.

TFO: That made you mad?

Stephanie: Yes.  Yes.  I needed him!  He's got like a...stick, or something, that he's going to kill someone with.  AND.  They're wearing sneakers.  Instead of tights.  Or silly shoes.

TFO:  Had you ever heard of that character [The Spirit] before?

Stephanie:  No.

TFO:  How little experience would you say you have with comics?

Stephanie:  I would say that I've seen Spider-Man the movie.  That's it.

TFO:  So this is the first time that you've actually picked one up and opened it and read it.

Stephanie: Yes.  Well, I've read the funnies in the paper.  But also, they [funnies] go in one line.  So I didn't know how to read this.

TFO: How difficult was it too get used to the...text, the picture layout: the actual process or reading it?  How quick would you say you picked that up? 

Stephanie:  Well, I obviously did it, but I was still just doing:  Words.  Pictures.  Words.  Pictures.  If the words got boring then I started to just look at the pictures and then I had to go back and read it.  So I don't think that I got "good" at it.

TFO:  Well, you finished it, so that's...

Stephanie:  No, it was Task: Complete, but not necessarily "Success."

TFO:  What I mean is that you were able to keep up with the story--

Stephanie:  Oh yeah.  Yeah.

What She Thought About It

TFO:  Out of curiosity, because that one is kind of a done-in-one, a "starts on the first page, ends on the last page,"  it's not like a "Part One of Six," that sort of thing--if it had ended on a cliff-hanger, did the story have enough interest to you that you would've wanted to know what happened next?  Not necessarily that you'd want to buy it and read it, but that you would've looked it up online to find out how it ended?

Stephanie:  No.

TFO:  Didn't think so.  What would you say about the art?

Stephanie: [Pause, look of concern.] I didn't find it very interesting.

TFO:  No?

Stephanie:  No.  It wasn't that the colors were dull...it's that the colors didn't pop or stand out.  The frames were just shades of blue, or shades of yellow.  I just didn't think the colors were very interesting and the art was just...the drawings were flat and easy.

TFO:  Easy?

Stephanie:  Yes, it felt like the easy choice as opposed to making things more interesting.  I thought it was easy for the old lady to be fat and have a horn held up to her ear.  I think there's a lot of ways to draw old age without having, you know, an old lady 'stache and a horn out the ear,  but it looks like the easy route, with real easy lines.  It's not that it's minimal--they aren't stick figures or anything like that.  It's just--"This is a person."  It could be any person.

TFO:  Meaning it's just really basic?

Stephanie:  Yes.  From person to person it's just a matter of changing the hair color.

TFO:  Well, what about the ones that are more garish caricatures, like the Chief of Police.

Stephanie:  Oh, the commissioner guy with the gigantic chin?

TFO:  Yes, with the huge chin.

Stephanie:  I just felt like it wasn't very inventive.  It's like, of course the Chief of Police has a pipe and a gigantic chin.  They all do.

TFO:  Well, these characters were first "invented" in the late 30's, published in 8 page stories that would come free with your newspaper.  Those characters, the Commissioner Dolan, the Spirit, the Commissioner's daughter, the little black kid who drives the cab...

Stephanie:  They've been around for that long?

TFO:  Yes, they were all done pretty much by this one guy, Will Eisner.  He created them, wrote short stories that came free with your newspaper.

Stephanie:  So these guys are just copying what came before?

TFO:  Well, not the stories. The characters, the basic ideas...

Stephanie:  That makes sense, because it made me think of a movie--where the men are classically beautiful, the women have shoulder-length hair that flows--no woman will have short hair, the men won't have a weird mole or something, they don't look like you or me, they look like blond-hair muscle people.  That makes a little more sense.

TFO:  That it's dated?

Stephanie:  That it's dated.  I don't know if you watch movies from that era, but I have a hard time remembering which is Cary Grant and which is Humphrey Bogart.  They all look the same to me.  Same with the women.

Why She's Never Read Comics

TFO:  Why would you say you have "no experience" with comics.   Not a philosophical explanation, but more what would you say has kept them away?  Has it been availability?  Has it been that you haven't had an interest?

Stephanie:  Well, possibly all of the above!  Plus being raised in a "girly" household.  We played sports, but the toys we were given were "girl" toys.  We didn't have Nintendo or "boy" things.  We had dolls, we played dress-up, we read Little House on The Prairie.  We didn't read this. [Holds up Spirit]  Also, if you're growing up in a real small town, if it's a specialized industry, we don't have it.  [Comics] would've had to have been something I would have found on my own...which would've taken effort, as a little girl in a beach community.

TFO:  Since you've lived in [New York City], have you even come across this kind of stuff?  In a place where it's more easily accessible, has it even crossed your path?  Have you been in a place where they sell these?  Ever?

Stephanie:  No.  Well, I've been to your apartment.  Otherwise...

TFO:  Just so you know anything that comes up about me, I'm not going to write that down.  [Shit]

Stephanie:  Well, no then.  I haven't been to a store.

What She Thought About Reading This Comic

TFO:  Would you say you even liked this?  That you enjoyed reading it?

Stephanie:  No. [Laughs]

TFO:  Why or why not?

Stephanie:  It was boring!  The story was really simple--I guess any thirty-minute sitcom is equally simple, but...I found the art to be relatively uninteresting, the characters jumped to conclusions really fast--like "Obviously this is the Truth, because I said so!"  They don't give any background as to how they really solved the murder.   I knew as a reader because I saw the "once, a long time ago, this happened."   There's no point A to point B, they just "know."  There's no process to it.  If this same plot were in a movie, you'd watch 45 minutes of trying to figure it out.  This just gives you three panels to figure it out--most of [the story] was just the action of the murder or the action of "now I know."  The process of thinking was very minimal, and unimportant.   Which doesn't make sense to me, because that is the important part.  How do you make sense of [murder]?  Not "how do you get them to jail."  In a car!

TFO:  You just finished reading Kavalier and Clay.  Would you say that had any impact at all on your reading of this?

Stephanie:  Yes!  I would.  I gave this a little more of a chance than I would have otherwise.  I enjoyed that book so much--the characters struggling to make money with that form of comics, but also them trying to make art out of making comics, I felt for those guys so much.  I don't want to be one of those people that's just "That's stupid, because it's comic books."  I want to support those characters, so I think I gave [The Spirit] a better chance as being something I could, possibly, maybe like.

TFO:  So you gave it a handicap, and it still couldn't pull it off.

Stephanie.  Yes.

Your Interviewer Attempts To Shanghai The Interview Into An Aesthetic Discussion, She Saves His Heavy-Handedness

TFO:  Nice.  Nice.  Oh, yeah, this'll be fun.  You consider dance an art form.  Yes.  Yes?

Stephanie:  [Laughing] Yes!

TFO:  So would you consider--not on the strength of this experience--it's possible for comic books to be a form of art as well?

Stephanie:  Yes!

TFO:  It sounds like that's something you'd think based on Kavalier and Clay.

Stephanie:  Nooo.  Maybe reading Kavalier and Clay forced me to consider my answer before giving it.  It forced me to think about it a couple of days ago, which is why I've got one now.  Of course, I think it's a form of art to stand on stage and eat a grapefruit, if you do it gracefully.  So, if I'm going to say that I think it's dance for me to stand on stage and scratch my butt and then walk across to the other side and do a little spin, and call it fantastic modern dance--I mean, that's incredibly pedestrian.  Anybody can do that.  It may not be as interesting when a fabulous dancer stands there on stage as it is when it's "some dude."  You know, stage presence, body appearance, focus in the eyes, that sort of thing.  I do still think that pedestrian movement can be dance, likewise, [The Spirit's] very cut-and-paste sort of drawing...while I'm sure that there are people more talented in this style of drawing than others, I do think this is...the first way you learn to draw.  Which I can't do.  But when you're taking drawing classes in third grade, you learn to make something that looks like a real person, but isn't detailed.  It's completely flat.  The point is across:  you would never question "Is this a person."  Obviously, it's a person.  You wouldn't think it's a "real" person, it doesn't feel lifelike.   But just because it feels simple and "anybody" could do it, that doesn't mean it isn't art.  Although, I can't draw worth anything.

The Discussion Enters The Requisite Discussion Of T & A

TFO:  You mentioned that finding the depiction of Wonder Woman on the cover of the Justice League comic as offensive.  Would you care to go into that more?

Stephanie:  [Laughter]  Sure!  Sure.  Okay.  Thank you!  Inspiration.  I just think it's fascinating that a woman saving the world in a suit isn't compelling.  For it to sell comics, to sell a movie, she's got to have her ass hanging out.  This woman has a wedgie!  There are her cheeks, and there's nothing in between them!  Then there's this woman that has cleavage from hell, and fishnet lady back here?

TFO:  Black Canary.  The other one is...

Stephanie:  Purple Girl!

TFO:  I don't even know who that character is.  Nightshade, maybe?

Stephanie:  Nightshade?  Like a nightshade eggplant?  Oh, I see.  I just think it's amazing that it's not "We're so proud of you for saving the world."  It's "Oh god it was fucking HOT when you saved the world."   This dude--although I'm assuming because he has fangs is probably a bad guy.  He's really fucking unattractive, but when he blows something up, you're going to be "Omigod that was fucking cool" even though you don't want him to win, it's really cool that he blew it up anyway.  It'll be really fucking hot when...what's her name?

TFO:  That's Wonder Woman.

Stephanie:  When Wonder Woman blows something up.

TFO:  You didn't know her name was Wonder Woman?

Stephanie:  No? [Words can't describe the concern on Stephanie's face] It's Giant Ass Wedgie Girl. 

[Both parties laughed for a while]

Stephanie:  Well, she's obviously hot.  I don't even know how her top is staying up.  This is just...it's belittling, I think.  I don't know.  You hear criticism--I don't know, like the Presidential race, "Why doesn't Hilary dress more feminine?"  Because if she did, you'd call her a fucking whore!  "Why is she trying to flirt with America!" Why can't she just speak about her policy?  She has to toe the line by wearing a pantsuit, not a skirt-suit.  But it's pink.  [Wonder Woman] has to border that line, in this fantasy land--I mean, all of this [holding up Justice League] is fantasy of some sort, obviously.  But it also feels to be a bit of a sexual fantasy, where you're the man in the strapping suit and you get to rescue the woman, and she's wearing hardly anything!  Why doesn't the woman in jeans and a sweatshirt deserve saving?  She's probably smart, and she can teach you things--or she is as hot, but she's wearing a bulky sweatshirt, so you don't automatically notice her.  I don't know, I feel like this is the very basic of feminist issues, women as objects.  Look, I feel it's any woman's right to wear a leotard that gives you a wedgie--but I think if we were valuing her because she was smart?  You know you can run faster if you don't have a wedgie, and you aren't wearing high heels.  If she were being valued for her problem solving skills, catching the bad guy, and getting a strategy together and all that stuff, she would know that she's going to be protected from the elements in long sleeves, that her long hair blowing in her face is probably going to cause her to...electric lasso the wrong person, or she's going to cut off her own damn hair!  Look, it's impractical.  If she were smart, she wouldn't dress that way.  I think we're supposed to assume that she isn't that smart.  That smart isn't as sexy as...Giant.  Ass.

TFO:  Nice.  How do you want to close this out?

Stephanie:  Is his name Spirit?  Why is he wearing a fucking mask?

TFO:  Oh.

Stephanie:  And what's the deal with a black guy named "Ebony?"

TFO:  Oh.

[Interview descends into the sort of boring backstory regarding a comic book that will interest no one.]

Stephanie:  That's really boring.  I think I'll leave it at that.

--------------------------------------------------

Stephanie Blackmon Woodbeck received her BFA in Dance from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro in 2005. She has had the privilege of performing for artists such as b.j. sullivan, Alice Lee Holland, Laura Arrington, Neta Pulvermacher, and Jahna Bobolia. She was a member of the John Gamble Dance Theatre from 2001-2005. Her solo work “Suffocation (of/by) the Last Generation” was included in North Carolina’s “Best of Dance: 2004.” In 2006 Stephanie and Kathleen Kelley founded Labor Force Dances, a modern dance company based in a feminist viewpoint. Labor Force has performed throughout North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, and New York. Stephanie is a licensed massage therapist and a certified Pilates mat instructor. Her choreography attempts to investigate the existence of bodily limitations while exploring the realm of pedestrian movement and movement elitism. For more information please visit www.laborforcedances.com.

Upcoming performances for Stephanie and Labor Force Dances include:

March 6, 7, 8 at Dance New Amsterdam in Manhattan
March 29 at The Clifton Center in Louisville, KY
June 27, 28 at BAX in Brooklyn

The Top 30 Albums of 2007: # 10

The Sea And Cake
Everybody

It's the album that, when it did get talked about, it was damned with nothing but faint praise, often in the form of "it's pleasant" and "it's playful."  Similar to 2002, the year where the most recommended albums were pretty much all albums that came riding in with statements like "You've gotta check this out!  It's totally relaxing and quiet!", Everybody is, under certain circumstances, one of those albums that's the antithesis of party music and a perfect example of something that can't open itself to the listener if it's treated as a soundtrack.  In a way, the closest album to Everybody on this list is going to be Burial's Untrue, another album that will always stand back and allow the listener to get on with their life--tuning this stuff out, letting it fade to a background bounce is part and parcel of what makes both Untrue and Everybody so worth returning to.  It's fragile, quiet music--and it's also one of the best things to be released this year, and one of the finest of Sea and Cake's career.  Unlike some of their almost willfully obtuse earlier works, Everybody is one of the most easily accessible albums of the year--it's a solidly pop album clothed in a vintage sweater, an album that makes good on the promise of the never realized optimism of the indie pop from the late 80's.  In other words, Everybody is the album that Beat Happening would have made if they had any music talent to back up their omnipresent joy--which isn't to say that anything Sea And Cake does here sounds like Beat Happening at all--but nor does Everybody really sound like anything else.  It's been given meat grinder terms, like everything else in music criticism these days--Pitchfork said that it was afro-pop mixed with bossa nova, whereas Wikipedia resorts to the all-encompassing "jazzy" to describe their sound.  While there's some accuracy to both (especially because just about anything except metal can probably show some "jazzy" in their DNA,) Everybody made it onto the countdown not because it was a combination of a whole bunch of stuff that's likable, it made it this high because it's one of the most direct statements of aesthetically beautiful music that came out this year.  It's never going to be one that gets a jaw-dropping response--but it's never going to fail to bring a smile to one's face.  Oh, and to give it the requisite comparison, this is what At The Drive-In would sound like if their hands were broken, their vocals were whispered, and the instruments were stolen out of Unrest's van, when they were on the way to record Imperial f.f.f.r.  If that last sentence doesn't earn some claim of assholery hipsterism, then nothing will.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Comics Of The Weak: Don't Worry, It's Still Your Mom. I Just Shaved Her Tongue, That's All.

This week all comics reviews were done in a style that is clearly more popular to the regular comic book reader/reviewer. 

Batman & The Outsiders # 4
Written by Chuck Dixon
Art by Julian Lopez & Bit
Published by DC Comics

[All that matters is whether a fan has fun]

Some people might tell you that this was just another boring ass  issue of Batman & The Outsiders where not a whole lot happened--hey, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but let me tell you mine:  those people need to lighten up!  This was a GREAT issue of one of DC's BEST new series--what an awesome year 2008 is turning out to be.  First of all, in case you were wondering whether anybody was going to mention Batgirl being a member of the League of Assassins again, well guess what?  Green Arrow did.

And it was RAD.

First off, we all know that Batgirl is totally badass, and to see her and Ollie go at it in the jungle is like a dream come true--seriously, a legendary hero versus one of the toughest fighters and coolest characters DC has to offer?  How can you not love that?  Then, to have them come to a grudging respect for one another as soon as Katana (one of my personal favorite characters of the 80's) makes them "settle down." 

Whoa.  This is good comics.  If you're not into this, that's fine I guess--go read manga or something.  Because for me, this is what comic books are all about.  Make mine...DC!

Batman: Confidential # 13
Written by Tony Bedard
Art by Rags Morales & Mark Farmer
Published by DC Comics

[Continuity is all that matters you filthy sycophant]

Hmmmm.  Once again, Batman: Confidential must think that us Batman readers don't have a memory of any kind?  It's a well known fact that Alfred had never lied to Dick Grayson until the seminal Titans epic "A Marriage Razed Into Blood," when Alfred told Dick that Starfire was in the other room to prevent him from following the Omega Men to Apokolips.  In fact, Dick's actual words were "You lied to me Alfie--you've never lied to me before!"  And Alfred responded by saying, "No Dick, I never have, and I would never do it again."  While it would be a minor quibble if this story was set after that Titans moment, it is clearly PRIOR to that moment, as Dick is portrayed here in Batman: Confidential as wearing the V.1 of his Nightwing outfit, whereas his outfit in the Titans "Marriage" story, he is wearing Nightwing outfit V.2. 

Seriously guys, it's not that hard to do the research before you make yourselves look stupid.  Just check with the DC message boards, or read the Wikipedia entry on Nightwing.  My friend Louis and I check it twice a week to make sure it's accurate and up to date.

The Immortal Iron Fist: Orson Randall & The Green Mist of Death # 1
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Nick Dragotta, Mike Allred, Laura Allred, Russ Heath, Lewis LaRosa, Stefano Gaudiano, Matt Hollingsworth & Mitch Breitweiser
Published by Marvel Comics

[Big words MotherFUCKER big words]

There is a basal axiological problem at the nucleus of all super-hero epics.  That being the esteem of the exertion of violence to change the behavioral status of the "villains" in a story--as few of the "heroes" are absolute executioners, the end-state of all violent acts performed by them is often the modification of a mien as well as the abeyance of an "act."  However, the remonstration of the value of these acts being rarely explored is oft-ignored, meaning that the actual modification of behavior is infrequently addressed.  That is what makes this latest issue of Iron Fist such a surprisingly effective read:  here, Iron Fist actually puts value theory to work,  forcing his opponent to question the merits of his actions against the back-drop of the opponents own world view, weltanshaung if you will.  Up until the moment where these questions are put to bear, the story is one of purposeless battle, but it is upon these moments of world view exploration that all things, being transient, finally embrace the reality of their construction and, of course, do perform a transience.

Wolverine: Origins # 22
Written by Daniel Way
Art by Steve Dillon
Published by Marvel Comics

[Confusingly written plot synopsis from memory]

Deadpool still doesn't have his mask and he dropped a piano on Wolverine and then Wolverine chases him after he gets up.  Deadpool sees this on a digital camera that he steals from some guy on the street so he goes inside a restaurant and Wolverine follows him.  But then the manager of the restaurant tells Wolverine to leave (and she's this really big lady who looks mean) and she threatens Wolverine and he lets her punch him and it looks like it hurts but it really just hurts her and then Wolverine goes outside and Deadpool shoots at him I think?  But then somehow Deadpool gets a little wire on Wolverine's leg and he gets dragged behind a train and then Deadpool gets his landlady to let him to his apartment so he can get his other mask cause he's kind of gross and old looking and then he goes outside and the train is coming back around and Wolverine and Deadpool are going to fight more next issue, because it says to be continued.  This was a good issue of Wolverine and it was colorful but Deadpool is gross to look at without his mask on i am glad he has it on now.

Robin # 171
Written by Chuck Dixon
Art by Chris Batista, Cam Smith & Rick Ketcham
Published by DC Comics

[This is like this plus this]

Chuck Dixon has always been the John Ford of modern comic books--he's either using Batman as John Wayne in The Searchers teamed up with a Robin straight out of Young Mr. Lincoln against the Ridley Scott background of Blade Runner with the hyper-hard boiled prose of Jim Thompson as they stride out against the forces of evil, usually whatever left-over extras that Dixon can find lurking on the set of Law & Order Criminal Intent.  It doesn't hurt that they look like Darth Vader by way of Michael Kors--bright purple dress of doom, you see.  This latest issue of Robin is no different--it's an episode of Buffy being played out on the set of Blade: Trinity, and it's, no surprise, as great as that sounds, all falling asleep on roller coasters while the bad guys set up their evil plots and Batman goes to bed early, just like a little boy following bread crumbs to a Technicolor house of gumdrops, where the wicked witch is Chris Batista and the only way out is to survive the oven with a Teflon cape made of hard work.

The Mighty Avengers # 9
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Mark Bagley, Danny Miki, Allen Martinez & Victor Olazaba
Published by Marvel Comics

[Non-stop usage of own language and smilies.]

OMG, rly rly awsm!  Ya know im not a big fn of bendis grrrrr-a thon!  but Iron Man vs Doom??? Lurv! :) :) Not srre why the cover shows Doomy with SpdrWmn--WTH?  That NEVR HPPNS!   Still, I was like--Turn pgs and der's SIX PGS of Drerwings!  Yay! Yay!  Mebbe got sick of always talking >.>.> like last weeks New Avngrs (which totally never read cuz of Tigra beat up-SO GROSS you guys, but if more Avengers is like This? :D Yay x 2!  Still luv Wondy-man-rarw, like a cat mebbe?  Rly ya shuld buy this one!  LUV U, IM me on frday!  See ya crzies at WnderCON! :\ :]

Checkmate # 23
Written by Greg Rucka & Eric Trautmann
Art by Joe Bennett & Jack Jadson
Published by DC Comics

[Hyper-Politicized]

What a surprise.  Greg Rucka, otherwise known as "Women are good as horses to ride on, Nothing More" tells a story where the Entire Checkmate organization is unable to take care of a mission themselves and has to resort to calling on Alpha-Nazi Male Superman to come and in and save the day with his gigantic penis and pectorals.  Doesn't matter that Sasha Bordeaux is one of the toughest ladies in the biz, oh GOD no, she couldn't defeat the Cult of Kobra Patriarchy--not a chance.  On top of that, DO NOT IGNORE the little moment where Sasha is on the beach with her ass proffered up like a sponge cake to "Mr. Terrific."  (Terrific?  Please.  More like Mr. Step-and-fetch-it.  It's hideous how Rucka can so openly destroy Sasha's feminine Goddess power while at the same time show Mr. Terrific as a grossly racist stereotype of black men, ogling Sasha's bottom like "This is what I fight for, White Women.")  As always, DC Comics and Checkmate are at the top of the heap for amoral lost-cause pricks who claim that Greg Rucka is the source for all Fem-Power comic books--puh-leeze.  It's just more of the same--maybe worse, because it thinks it's so "Equal."

Justice League of America # 18
Written by Alan Burnett & Dwayne McDuffie
Art by Ed Benes, Sandra Hope, Jon Boy Meyers & Mark Irwin
Published by DC Comics

[Long-winded Personal Anecdote Regarding Relationship With Series]

I've been reading the Justice League for almost twenty years this month!  How crazy is that!  I still remember that day, twenty years ago, when my buddy Steve said "hey you should check this out" and I took a look and was like "Aquaman? Are you for real Steve?" and Steve said "No, this is really good!  Wait until you read about Vibe, he's a breakdancer" and I really loved breakdancing (forgive me, what did I know, growing up in Winnipeg) and gosh darn it, I was hooked.  I've been a JLA fan ever since--i'm not ashamed to admit that I cried during that first two-parter that opened the Warner Brothers cartoon--hey, they're the heroes of my child/teenage/adulthood!  What do you expect!  (I am a bit ashamed to admit I cried when I read "Breakdowns," but I was a really big fan of General Glory in my late twenties, what can I say?)  Anyway, I've stuck with Justice League for a long time, and sometimes it's been a little hard, but like everybody says, if you can't say something nice, then you should read Adrian Tomine or something, right?  Ha ha ha, just kidding!  But yeah,  it was hard when the Justice League got canceled back when Nuklon and Icemaiden were on the team, but then they came back, and then it got hard again when it got canceled after Batman got in a fight with Green Arrow and Green Arrow was dating that Native American guys wife, but now it's been going for a while and it's been pretty good.  This issue had two stories, and it reminded me of when they use to have a Justice League Quarterly that came out four times a year (quarterly-duh! Ha ha ha.) and it was like having two Justice League books a month, four times a year!  And sometimes there were other Justice League books set in Europe, but I didn't read those--i'm not really a big fan of foreign comics, no offense.  I guess I'm just a JLA fan, what can I say.  So thanks Steve!

-Tucker Stone, 2008

The Top 30 Albums of 2007: 11

Iron and Wine
The Shepherd’s Dog

Let me start with the outrageous claim that won this album the big one-one:  This album is the Graceland to Creek Drank the Cradle’s Sounds of Silence.  It could mean that Rhythm of the Saints is next for Sam Beam, and it could mean that sweaters and collars showing up all over town has wrought some unforeseen consequences amongst the ‘don’t call me hipster’ blogritatics (i.e., assuming that a comparison to 1980’s Paul Simon vs 1970’s Paul Simon is a good selling point to your presumed peers – your mother, OK?), but I’m saying this is one for the canon when we all drink a little less coffee and go to bed a little earlier.

This album is a consensus builder.  A critical enthusiast can appreciate the way this album takes the singer-songwriters’ sense of emotional intensity and makes it impersonal, and the way it makes world-music-meets-americana work in spite of the improbability of it all.  A listener who may have previously complained about the band’s slow tempo, cryptic and vaguely pastoral take on neo-romantic exaggerations, and general sameness will find variety, a bit of bounce, fun new instruments that go beyond digestible folk guitar, and songs for the citified.    A casual listener can hear it on an FM dial, and talk to his somewhat more serious friends about what a nice listen it is without fear of hearing, ‘bah, the new one’s no good.  Check out their first album that I don’t listen to anymore because Brooklyn and Canada and shit,’ because those friends like the new one, too.  Men in their fifties drop this into phone calls with the younger generation because Sonic Youth is (now famously) just noise, but this Iron & Wine biz-nass, what with the occasional calypso rhythm and the horns adding depth where you wouldn’t expect depth from horns reminds me of… well, Graceland.  The liberal arts students are going to find this one in twenty years and claim it for their newly refined palate to prove that they don’t just like it fast and loud.  They’ll also probably find sweaters and corduroy jackets around the same time, and decide that they can listen to aggressive music made by black people.  Try not to bitch when it happens.

-Josh Woodbeck, 2008

The Virgin Read: It's Not Gonzo, No Double Stuffs--What's The Point, Really?

Jenna Jameson's Shadow Hunter # 1
Created by Jenna Jameson
Written by Christina Z.
Art by Mukesh Singh
Published by Virgin Comics

Jenna Jameson.  Household name?  If your house openly embraces porn.  Well, mine does.  ;)  So, when I saw this issue I just had to read it.

I was sort of hoping for a version of its-so-bad-its-deliciously-good.  I was guessing it was going to be some sort of cleavage filled, sexified, superhero-ish romp.  I don’t know.  But I was rootin’ for her.  I recently watched quite a bit of Jenna Jameson’s E True Hollywood Story.  And, I felt drawn to watch it for a while.  Try and grasp what makes Jenna..."Jenna."  How a woman so unabashedly chooses, then pursues and eventually rules a life in the World of Porn.  So, like Jenna chose naked, raw sex in front of a camera, I chose to read a comic she helped create.

I don’t even really want to write this review.  I found this comic just not at all entertaining.  I started by writing down little quotes that I was going to come back to and riff on.  But I don’t think I’m even going to be funny about this. 

Two things stand out.  The first was the actual writing.  The logic behind many statements wasn’t really logic.  There's a doctor’s “research" that is leading towards a technological invention regarding past lives?  How can technology and past lives work together?  I guess I’m supposed to suspend disbelief and just buy it all….but, well, I just didn’t.  It's full of stuff like this--a random folk theory like thinking you used to be Joan of Arc gets barely mentioned or explained, but becomes the hinge for some vague connection to what's probably a plot point--but all that happens is neither of the pieces make any sense, and they've gone about it in a totally uninteresting fashion.

The second thing that stands out is the monsters.  First time they show up, they all look like Cupid.  Then they changed into an amorphous blob of “monsters.”  And it was just strange.  I used to get feedback on my grad school journals that I was “too general and need to get more specific” in my writing.  That’s how I felt about the art and the story.  There’s just this general fighting of these general monsters……and ya know, I just didn’t’ care.  I felt neither afraid for, or psyched for the main character, Jezzerie Jones. 

Then there's her whole hair changing, and sword-from-the-arm thing…

I don’t know.  I think I’ve mentioned before how I’ve been told that all great plays, stories, novels, comics have one inherent question that they are trying to answer.  The question may be overtly asked within the first few pages, or it may be a question intended to become planted in the readers mind so that when the story finally answers it, the reader’s experience feels complete.  This comic lacked a question.  And, funny, then, how it has this seemingly “big reveal” about Jezzerie’s father, when we, the readers,  weren’t the slightest bit perplexed or wondering about her father.  So, big reveal happens and I just think, “thank God this issue is over.”

And see….I don’t wanna bash Jenna.  I mean, I was looking forward to some all-in-the-name of fun type experience.  Guess I'll just have to pop in The Factual's office copy of The Devil in Ms. James. 

Oh yeah.

-Nina Miller, 2008

The Top 30 Albums of 2007: # 12

Panda Bear
Person Pitch

...no matter what I do this review will feel incomplete.  This medium is two dimensional and Person Pitch is three...no, forty!  Much like Jeff Magnum's Neutral Milk Hotel, Panda Bear has the ability to take you to indescribable places that can only be understood whilst listening with your own ears.  All I can tell you is that this album is alive.  It is a literal "jungle of sound."  With dinosaurs roaring, giant extremities clapping to the beat, swirling Kansas City twisters and a million-plus choir chanting "time" all in the opening minute of the first song.  Panda Bear pulls it all together with ease, discovering entries and exits in his music--you would think they were brick walls a second ago. He gives a 45 minute soaring reverb drenched sermon from his pulpit of sound.  In "good girl/carrots" he take parishioners on the Best Journey of 'Dem All.  Gliding from an intense jungle of congo drums to some...fuck, a goddamn cavern, with mysterious explosions, piano notes falling from the skies and finally landing on some sundrenched shore where Panda reminds us to take a risk just for ourselves and jump into the deep end of the ocean.  You see...oh, this sounds crazy right? And there are still four more unique and exciting adventures to be had! Looks like you'll have to "take a risk--just for yourself" and give it whirl on the phonograph.

-Andre Harris, 2008