The Factual Opinion

The Top 30 Albums of 2007: # 13

Von Sudenfeld
Tromatic Reflexxions

The Man:
Boris Karloff did a whole shit ton of movies, and on everyone of them, he outshined everyone else involved.  (Outshined: being a totally unrelenting "Step Up To THE PLATE.")  This is true.  Except--and yes, there's always exceptions, unless you're Casey Affleck, EXCEPT in Corridors of Blood.  There's this guy in Corridors of Blood named Resurrection Joe--played by a "hey i'm a dork that's" Christopher Lee, who looks like Mike Haneke, but acts like a Harry Potter character.  Boris tries his best to overpower the film with his wasted-on-drugs Boy Scout, but it's Lee's Resurrection Joe that holds up fifty years later.  Because it's subtle. He's a bastard who kills folks, he's got a nasty scar, and holy god is he one laid back scary dude--with a trenchcoat and a top hat.  Natch.  Probably went unnoticed in a Boris Karloff pic--but hey, now we all set back and watch Lee and it's a master class in creepazoid.

The Machine:
Everybody wants to use that time machine to kill Hitler, right?  Everybody but Jack Kirby, that's for sure.  Why not make another stop in Germany after that, a few years later, and beat up Kraftwerk in an alley before they make it to the studio?  Don't kill them or nothing, but just see if you can put some muscle in their back, some buzz in their voicebox, some rough and tumble in their groin.  Soundtracking a bike race?  Puh-leeze.

The Descent:
Garth Ennis wrote an angel falling the way it should be done.  Shit was blind and on fire.  That's the way an angel should hit the Earth--like a ballistic missile burning up on re-entry, but not losing it's payload until it passes some fallopian.  Nice.

Will It Blend:
He'll probably fail at something-shit, at this point, you know he has.  But what was it?  Was it something made out of stainless steel?  Was it diamonds?  Was it rhinestones?  A Stallone?

In The Ground:
You do realize that this is a music climate where a band like Low has an career spanning box set of B-sides and Rufus Wainwright designs 15 dollar t-shirts for H & M? 

Only Salvation:
Mark E Smith plus Mouse On Mars.  Better than lupus.  And it's never lupus.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

The Top 30 Albums of 2007: #14

Radiohead
In Rainbows

In Rainbows wants to be Radiohead’s album for the ladies, with Thom Yorke getting freaky-deaky in the club like what.  He wants to see your body go la-la.  Now back that thing up and make it go boom-ba.  He doesn’t want to be your friend.  He just wants to be your lover.  He’s an animal trapped in your hot car, and you are all he needs (and, by the way, you’re going to hell for those dirty thoughts.)  But then, Johnny Greenwood is like this major cockblocker.  I mean, first of all, you can’t even dance to “15 Step,” because it’s like in 123/7 time or some shit.  Then, every time old Tommy starts to kick game, there’s Johnny in the corner, arpeggiating.  So Tommy has to start dressing up his come-ons like they’re OK Computer’s dystopian existentialism.  “Jigsaw Falling Into Place”?  Yeah, you know what that’s about.  I’ll give you a hint:  Imagine the R. Kelly version featuring T-Pain and Busta Rhymes.  This is not seduction music for smart people, it’s straight up crunk.  You want smart?  Get this: the drum track on “Videotape” actually sounds like a videotape, when it like hits the end of the reel and turns over and over itself, which would actually technically make “Videotape” sound like a film but never mind about that.  That, and about a thousand more conversation starters.  It doesn’t have to make any sense.  How much did you pay for it?  It’s amazing.  Sensitive thugs, y’all need hugs.

-Marty Brown, 2008

The Virgin Read: She's The Best She Is At What She Does, Which Is Not Being Impressed

Wolverine # 62
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Ron Garney
Published by Marvel Comics

Coke Zero in hand, seated cross-legged on the hardwood floor of the Factual’s foyer, and perusing covers of this week’s comics I start to realize that….I am not a Virgin anymore.  Soon there will be no “firsts” left.  And this is my conundrum.  Each issue that beckons me turns out to be one I’ve already “done it” with.  I just watched Samantha go through this on Episode 3 of Sex And The City. 

So, that’s how and why I chose my old pal Wolverine.  Well, not entirely why I chose him.  There were a couple (or more?) X-men related covers to choose from.  As well as some other super-hero-y comics that I’ve yet to read.  So, why Wolverine?

I love comic book movies.  I do.  I mean, for better or worse – and some are truly BAD – I love ‘em.  I feel like the movie industry got it right when they decided to put comic books on the big screen.  They encapsulate everything I go to the movies for.  An entertaining break from the real world – a complete escape into a completely fictitious time and place but with universal themes.  And although the clothes and props are not always similar to ours, everything else is boiled down to the simplicity of good vs. evil.  The bad guys are so bad that we love hating them.  The good guys are so good and strong and just that we root for them.  And the way the films are shot – it almost looks like every aspect of every frame has been outlined and inked, like its coming to life right off the page.  And although I’d seen plenty of comic book movies before it, X-men is the movie that made me realize how much I loved comic book movies.

Too bad then, that the comic book Wolverine, does not make me love comic books.  What happened?!  C’mon!  I mean, look, I’ve got nothing to compare it to….like, I didn’t read it last year or when someone else was drawing it….so my complaints are not of that nature.  Let me take you through it as it struck me:

Recap at the beginning.  Love that.  Gets me caught up in one short, easy-to-read paragraph.  Thank you for that.  Then, the back story of the day that Wolverine and Mystique met.  Okay.  Cool.  I’m following this.  Wolverine looks like himself.  I recognize Mystique.  Its all groovy.

Next thing I know, there’s a dude in the Safed Koh Mountains of Afghanistan in some yellow and blue get-up.  I would not have guessed it to be Wolverine except for the claws.  He totally threatens these kids and then an entire village trying to get Mystique.

Now, okay, I understand he’s a man on a mission…but he’s not stupid.  He’s talking to them in English, and they don’t understand.  So, he yells at them?  Like, my and my friends in 3rd grade used to talk in an accent to the new German girl because we thought that would help her understand English?  I mean, he’s a grown man, er, mutant, who’s been around for a long time.  He can’t think that this is effective.

Likewise, Mystique is a shapeshifter.  We all know this.  He knows this.  He knows she’s sneaky.  So, the best thing to do would to try and be really inconspicuous and keep things on the DL, right? Apparently not.  He goes to the Afghani mountains dressed like he’s from another planet, screams WHERE'S MYSTIQUE at the tops of his lungs, kills innocent people and generally makes a spectacle out of himself.  That’ll get her.  Way to go.

And so, of course, she knows where he is, but he doesn’t figure out who she is, and she gets away and blows up a whole mosque of innocent people in the process.  Yeeeeaaaaaahhhhh……

Why didn’t he just stick to the jeans and leather jacket?  That’s all I want to know?

-Nina Miller, 2008

Links To Watch Out For

We don't have a blogroll here--not out of dismissal of those who have us on one, solely because we don't want anything to detract from the hours our dear, dear readers should spend staring at Bert as he eats that babies head.  Eat Bert.  Eat the baby.  That being said, we'd be remiss if we didn't point the dear reader in the direction of some other quality places to spend the lunch break, the morning coffee, or the late night pause between video loads at your local churches website.

Link: Noah Berlatsky Edition:

Chicago readers of the Chicago Reader already know of the Noah, as do those of us who keep with his inspired rants courtesy of the print edition of The Comics Journal.  For those of you who are yet to experience the glory! the glory! of Mr. Berlatsky, you can either start at his blog and work your back through the ether, or go directly to a classic:  his notorious take on Art Spiegelman's In The Shadow Of No Towers.  Now that you've caught the bug, the worst possible thing this editor should do is hook you up with The Gay Utopia.  Worst, you ask?  Because it is bad, you query?  No dear reader.  Because it's chock full of poetry, artwork, comics, personal essays, reviews, fiction, drama, slash, and more by Ursula K. Le Guin, Jennifer Baumgardner, Dame Darcy, Johnny Ryan, Ariel Schrag, Julia Serano, Michael Manning, Matt Thorn, Neil Whitacre, Edie Fake, and a host of other contributors.  And if the editors of the Factual are linking you to a website that includes poetry, otherwise known as the mortal enemy of all things Factual Opinion-related, then you know that this website, we worry, may end up taking up all the free time you've been devoting to hearing us tell you of bad comic books while you wait for us to tell you the top five albums of 1983.  If a random link to the masthead brings you fear, then begin your Gay Utopia focus here, with Mr. Berlatsky's look at some of the finest excursions into horror ever captured on film, including two of our personal favorites: John Carpenter's The Thing and David Cronenberg's Shivers.  There you go, dear reader.  The brainwaves are in sync.  Go. Do Justice.

Link: Sean Witzke Edition:

Sometimes one hesitates to share their joy, remembering how special it was to be one among few at the club, preparing to leave after the opening band.  That's the case with the Witzke, probably the only pop culture blog that one needs keep up with:  besides it not being an irritatingly omnipresent blog run by faceless hordes who seem to like everything, like a Pitchfork or a Stereogum, Witzke, completely by himself, happens to cover all the things that should fill up ones time when not contemplating how easy it might be to figure out where Jeph Loeb lives.  Simply put, he talks about The Wire, makes you a desktop image featuring Omar, posts all the youtube links you need to see featuring things that interest you (as opposed to ones about children biting other children), and fills the gaps in the music collection you like to pretend was birthed out of your own taste.  On top of that, he's extraordinarily funny.  Sean Witzke--we couldn't talk him up more without having to pay a sailor to blow him.  Just don't share.

Link: Dirk Deppey Edition:

Ok, no bullshitting.  At least 50 percent of you are here because of Dirk and His Journalista, so how much of a probing should we give The Dude?  (The rest of you are Marty's friends wondering how often he posts.)  Safely put, if you're one of that ever-dwindling group who's never gone to Journalista, and yet are still one of the Factual's Dear Readers, then make your way to his Monday-Friday odyssey through the world of the Comics News (don't worry, it's not about Robin's clothing choices) and make your necessary atonements.  Then hurry back to hear about Tony Bedard and what crime he was convicted for in Maine last June.

-The Editors.

Comics Of The Weak: Hey! Mediocrity! Drink OR GET OUT

X-Force # 1
Written by Craig Kyle & Christ Yost
Art by Clayton Crain
Published by Marvel Comics

This can't really work, no matter how many times you read the advertisement that says "The X-Men Do Not Kill.  These Are Not The X-Men."  The concept of a black-ops super-team isn't really that bad of an idea, in theory--after all, one thing super-hero comics never really deal with is why, exactly, their aren't more crazy Punisher type vigilantes.  Nerd-wise, the biggest obstacle is always going to be a lack of drama--this new X-Force will kill people, sure, but they're just going to be killing the cannon-fodder, the henchmen, the mindless drones.  It's not like they're going to go after any bad guy that has any decent name recognition--and that's a big part of why the logic doesn't work.  The motive for their existence is that Cyclops is tired of the extravagant slaughter wrecked upon mutants by...somebody, one of those villains that probably means a lot to X-fans.  Of course, that doesn't mean the Cyke is going to loose this crew of blade-wielders against Magneto, or any of the other major bad guys the X-Men deal with.  (Toad?)  If there was any story logic there, he would, but there's not--this comic is just an excuse for Wolverine and that girl who looks like a female Wolverine, and that not-dead-anymore Native American, and that not-dead-anymore werewolf character to kill henchmen.  It's not as bad as that other, years old issue of X-Force #1, but at least the 90's version makes for a decent (while completely terrible) cultural artifact of bad comics.  This 2008 issue doesn't even come with a trading card.

Dead of Night # 1
Written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Art by Kano & Nick Percival
Published by Marvel Comics

It's not just the cover--this issue is a straight up EC Comics rip-off.  It's not a satire, or a parody, or even really an homage.  It's just an issue of Tales From The Crypt with a different title telling the origin of Marvel Comics horror character "Man-Thing."  It's irritating--not because it's particularly bad or anything--the dialog and art are both effective takes on what the house of Gaines & Kurtzman were producing back in the 50's--but because it's such a needlessly lazy way to tell a story.  Doing a Marvel MAX book would, in theory at least, allow a comics writer to really explore what it is they want to do with a story--instead, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has taken the easiest route possible--add a little of the New Marvel Science (which is to blame every strange non-mutant character on the US government's attempts to recreate Captain America's powers) to a straight up nerd revenge tale, and bookend it with a thinly veiled Cryptkeeper-rip called "Digger."  There's a point where "old EC Comics are great, let's honor that" becomes "here's an imitation of an EC Comic trying to legitimize a rarely used Marvel character."  Dead of Night passed that point in the idea stage.

Fantastic Four # 554
Written by Mark Millar
Art by Bryan Hitch & Paul Neary
Published by Marvel Comics

Millar and Hitch, otherwise known as the team who somehow made The Avengers into something worth reading by calling it The Ultimates and making it really violent are now turning their respective popularity and talent onto one of the oldest war-houses in the super-hero drawer.  Sure, quite a bit of DC dates the Fantastic Four, but there's few comics that have had such intensely massive rises and falls.  Although it would be impossible to imagine from watching either of the terribly made films that bear their name, the original issues of the Four by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby are some of the best super-hero comics, like, ever.  Since the close of their collaboration, the Fantastic Four has struggled again and again to capture some of the wit and cleverness that seemed to so freely flow in those first hundred stories.  It's impossible to tell, and it will be that way for awhile, whether Millar and Hitch can succeed where basically every other comic writer has failed and bring some luster to this beast of a figurehead.  It's certainly worth a try.  This issue, their first on a planned 16 issue run, doesn't behave like their previous work--there's no over-the-top violence, very little overt pop culture references and until the end, not much of Hitch doing his trademark drawings of really detailed drawings of technical institutions.  Instead, Millar seems to be preparing for the long haul--which should probably concern anyone who remembers how tremendously late these two are when it comes turning in their work.  At this point, maybe it'll be good.  No one will know for sure though until 2014, which is when it's projected to be finished.

Green Arrow & Black Canary # 5
Written by Judd Winick
Art by Andre Coelho
Published by DC Comics

Considering that all the Factual offices have had to say about this new Green Arrow book is that it's pretty much the same as the last Green Arrow book, excepting being graced with excellent artwork, courtesy of Cliff Chiang, it's not much of a twist that this issue was a relative slog--Coelho is certainly an adequate substitute, but "adequate substitute" doesn't make up for what's a relatively boring book that is only worth looking at so that one can dive even deeper into the swamp of "emotion" that haunts Winick's work of late.  It might have been a good idea to write a book that's this emo back when the Promise Ring was still together and whatever merits that subculture had weren't completely decimated by Dashboard Confessional.  As it is, this book was just page after page of whining, with a dash of "Hey, Batman and Superman are extraordinarily incompetent!"  So close to the heels of the kidnapping of Robin and Damian, the new DC mandate seems to be a Batman who's ill-qualified to guard a coin-operated laundromat from stray cats.

The New Avengers # 38
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Michael Gaydos
Published by Marvel Comics

Enjoyment of this comic is dependent upon how much one misses Alias, the series that prominently featured New Avengers side-character Jessica Jones.  Of course, how many fans of Alias actually keep up with New Avengers can't be a huge number of people--that title wasn't exactly a high seller, and Jessica hasn't done anything in this series besides behave like a stock-harpy lugging a baby Skrull around.  Having an entire issue devoted to one of the most mind-numbing arguments in mind-numbing argument history isn't likely to earn her too many new fans either.  Quite literally, this entire issue consisted of her saying "I'm turning myself in because of the baby.  You should do that as well, because of the baby."  Luke Cage, then responds, "You're betraying me, and I don't like Iron Man."  Then they repeat this back-and-forth dialog, with variations on the prepositions and adjectives.  This goes on for the entire comic book.  It's either totally unnecessary and boring, or it's some kind of Andy Kaufman joke played on the reader by Brian Michael Bendis.  Neither of those make for an appetizing alternative to eating one's own shit.

100 Bullets # 88
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Eduardo Risso
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Most of the time, people who complain about spoilers should shut the fuck up.  If you're so in love with a story that you don't keep up with it when it's available but choose to go and read articles and reviews about it, then you're just an asshole.  Who does that, anyway?  That being said, there's no good reason to ruin the surprise of the final page of this issue--not out of any allegiance to lazy 100 Bullets fans who are waiting for the trade, but because it was such a genius move on the part of Azzarello that the twist itself deserves respect.  There's a lot of good stuff coming out of Vertigo right now-Scalped, DMZ and this-but nobody has regularly produced this level of misdirection since the glory days of Transmetropolitan.  100 Bullets: still the best book that Samuel L. Jackson reads in crappy music videos.

B.P.R.D. 1946 # 2
Written by Joshua Dysart & Mike Mignola
Art by Paul Azaceta
Published by Dark Horse Comics

Ah, the schizophrenic quality of Mignola's Hellboy fiefdom strikes again.  Scant weeks ago, Abe Sapian got his own mini-series and was a near complete disappointment.  Now, B.P.R.D. 1946 shows up and happens to be totally brilliant work.  That's the magic of the weekly shipment for you.  Whether it's the revolting little girl who wanders out of a vampire-infested barn with her entire arm covered in blood, claiming that the monster inside just had an "accident" or it's the horrified soldiers comforting each other that the comrade they just executed had it coming--being an undead monster and all--everything that didn't work about Abe Sapian is totally flipped on it's head here.  Funny when it's supposed to be, gruesome when it needs it, this little mini is turning out to be one of the finest that the house-that-Mignola built has done in years. 

DMZ # 28
Written by Brian Wood
Art by Riccardo Burchielli
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Another done-in-one portrayal of a non-main character in Wood's DMZ, this one being a guy who's kind-of-sort-of batshit insane, but not in the funny Spider Jerusalem way, more the "hey Tom Hanks is talking to that volleyball way."  All in all, not that bad--Wood's on a wildlife kick right now, and that's always a pleasant vacation from comics that can't get enough of showing what it looks like when somebodies brains end up De Kooning themselves all over a television set.  Then again, DMZ ain't Local, and although the done-in-one's have been a nice excursion into solid short stories, the hey-remember-that-awesome story about the military slaughter of civilians from last year is what's needed right now.  Hopefully it'll involve this crazy nature-freak and that evil Triad sunuvabitch from a few months back, with more of Burchielli's art.  After all, Y: The Last Man is now gone, and if that puts Fables on top of the let's-talk-about-Vertigo heap, this reader might just puke out the words "I wish I was dead" in Campbell's alphabets.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Stunt Casting: Andre Harris Versus Vertigo, For The Win

The offices of the Factual were filled with an explosion of requests for more interviews, following the latest Virgin Read, and, continuing the offices constant attempts to take comics away from Tucker Stone so that other, less obnoxious, voices can be heard, here is the initial "Stunt Casting," wherein a guest commentator is brought in, offered a stack of everything released in the recent week, and then sat down to discuss their thoughts.  This will not be a weekly feature, but it will be repeated in the near future.

Andre Harris, a well known actor in the New York City area and a guest writer at The Factual Opinion, was kind enough to take some of his time to take a look at the most recent issue of The Exterminators.  Going strongly against the Factual party line, which is that The Exterminators is one of the best series Vertigo publishes, Andre felt nothing but derision.  The interview follows:

TFO: Why The Exterminators?

Andre Harris: It kind of reminded me of Grant Morrison...what's it called?  My favorite?

TFO: Doom Patrol?

Andre Harris: Doom Patrol!  For some reason, the cover reminded me of Doom Patrol, so I thought maybe this is somewhere close to being as good as Doom Patrol.  I was wrong.  I was so wrong.  [Pause]  Yeah.  So.

TFO: Could you tell this comic is on it's last legs?  That it will end in a few more issues?  Do you care?

Andre Harris: I could not tell that.  I thought it was somewhere in the beginning stages, because it's called The Exterminators and the bugs seem to be just showing up.  I don't know.  That's what it seemed like.  I could tell it was on it's last legs artistically. [Long silence]

TFO:  Can we explicate on that last answer?

Andre Harris:  Well, the art is just kind of general, and it doesn't do anything for the story, and the story is kind of general--it doesn't seem to have any interest in being dramatically interesting.  See, all these chicks are just kind of naked, randomly, for no reason?  Then there's some adam and eve story that I couldn't really get, just couldn't figure out how it was involved--all these random quotes where I couldn't figure out who was talking.  That's what I meant.  Nothing in it was cohesive.  Completely incohesive.

TFO: You've read some Vertigo before--Sandman, 100 Bullets & The Losers.  How do you feel this compares?

Andre Harris: This is one of the worst.  Compared to those?  It's not even comparable.  I feel like this is someone trying to get a quick paycheck.  It's a pretty dumb plot [laughing] someone creates bugs, and then someone has to exterminate them, super-hero style?  What?  You mine as well just have a plumber who goes and fixes really...hard...drains that have mouths that can talk, or spit gunk at you, but they're the plumbers, and they're gonna get the job done, no matter what!  Fuck that.

TFO: How do you feel about reading issues versus trade paperbacks?

Andre Harris:  I'd much rather do the trades, because, hold on, the issues are these things right?  [Holding up comic]

TFO: Yes.

Andre Harris: Yeah, I'd rather read the trades, because the stories are...more together?  I could never get into the issues.  I can see the ritual in it.  I can't get into the ritual.  I'm just not a weekly guy.  I can do the "here's the entire thing, read it."  I can't do the...you know, how normal people do it.  So trades.

TFO:  So you would make the argument that normal people read comics?

Andre Harris: I would make the argument that normal people read comics.  But, you know there's a stigma there.  There are a lot of things that I think are normal that have stigmas to them.

TFO: Like you believe you aliens.

Andre Harris: I believe in aliens.  People look at me like I'm crazy because of that.  So I tell them that I'm not going to be "crazy" when I'm made King of all the Humans by the aliens.

Nina Miller: Are you a Scientologist?  [Genuine concern]

Andre Harris: I am not a Scientologist.  I am just an alien believer.  I got this great book for my grandma, by L. Ron Hubbard called The Story of Diabetics.  It had a great cover, with a huge volcano on it.  I hope it helps her out with her diabetes. [The interviewer assumes Mr. Harris was referring to the book Dianetics.]

TFO:  If it doesn't will you feel guilty?

Andre Harris: I will not, because I tried my best.

TFO:  By buying her an L. Ron Hubbard book?

Andre Harris: It's about diabetics. [Mr. Harris is mistaken.  The book Dianetics is not about diabetes, a very serious illness that affects people who God must not love.]

TFO: What do you think of that Van Halen album we were listening too?

Andre Harris:  Ehh, you know.  I thought it was serviceable music.  Doesn't really do anything for me.

TFO:  What would you say as a black man in today's society, with Barack Obama running for President, about reading The Exterminators?

Andre Harris:  I feel like the two don't have any real relation to each other.  I would say that 60 years ago, I would be not be able to read The Exterminators, like I'm able to read The Exterminators now, thanks to people like Barack Obama.  I feel like I have more comic reading freedom.  It's not just Green Lantern anymore.

TFO:  How would you like to close this up?

Andre Harris:  Exterminators stinks.  Don't read it.

-Andre Harris, 2008

The Exterminators
Written by Simon Oliver
Art by Ty Templeton
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Comics Of The Weak: C'mere, Vague Possibility Of Future Bridge--I Must Burn You

Batman Confidential # 12
Written by Michael Green
Art by Denys Cowan & John Floyd
Published by DC Comics

There's a lot of just plain stupid to deal with here, the best example being the Joker's near superhuman amount of tactical preparation in hanging what seems to be hundreds of live victims from buildings, so that he can shoot the ropes and drop them to their death, a feat that would be impressive if it wasn't so far outside the realm of believability.  That's the major problem that this entire series, and to some extent, all of super-hero comics are struggling with nowadays--one is supposed to enjoy the overheated emotionalism of the spandex characters because it's so "realistic" while suspending disbelief with a rocket launcher when they turn the page.  Thankfully, the writer's strike looks to be ending, and Michael Green will take this kind of ridiculous bullshit back to ABC, where it belongs.

Abe Sapien: The Drowning # 1
Written by Mike Mignola
Art by Jason Shawn Alexander
Published by Dark Horse Comics

Mignola's opened stories before with poetry set to images, so it's not like Abe Sapian is necessarily that unusual.  What's a bit of a letdown is that the rest of the issue continues to ratchet up the "seen this before" moments--while Mignola may be using another fresh and talented artist on his B.P.R.D. crew, the entire story just strikes as one that is nothing more than the B-side of a Boys To Men single, if that single was "End of The Road" and the b-side was the instrumental version.  After the blandly disappointing Lobster Johnson series, it's clear that the fabric of story that Mignola was weaving for his Hellboy universe is stretching a bit too tight.  Whether it's merchandising or some other fiscal motivation, it's impossible to recommend something this ill-planned.  This thing needed more time in the oven.

Ubu Bubu # 1
By Jamie Smart
Published by SLG Publishing

There's motherfucking stupid, and then there's Ubu Bubu.  If it wasn't for the quote on the back regarding the Death t-shirts, this reader never would've known that this comic was geared towards whoever it is who buys those Emily the Strange books--Ubu Bubu could've been a free giveaway wherever it is kids buy dog collars and sterling silver skull rings in the Midwest.  It's so goddamn stupid that, by the end of the issue, the only startling thing was when the writer/artist says "You'll see the next issue in three months."  How the fuck something this pointless takes three months to make would be a story that's far better developed and less cutesy overall.  Oh, and in case you're looking at the cover and thinking that we're being unduly harsh on a comic about a cute kitten, that cute kitten drops way more f-bombs than this reviewer and is the host for some kind of Satanic demon intent on genocidal world domination.  No, you wouldn't like it.  (Update: Jamie Smart responds here.)

Omega The Unknown # 5
Written by Jonathan Lethem
Art by Farel Dalrymple & Paul Hornschemeier
Published by Marvel Comics

After the terrific-ness of watching a man catch a flying bald eagle and cook it in a lunch truck of the last issue, Omega turns it's focus back to the life of it's can-we-just-admit-Asbergers-and-quit-being-cute of it's nominal leading man.  Although one does get to watch the irritating little bastard "kill" a robot with his flaming hands, for the most part, this issue wasn't as good as the last, but it's still enough of a professional enterprise to be somewhat worthwhile.  It was probably part of Lethem's agreement that, if he was going to write a Marvel comic book, they had to make it look like a Marvel comic book--to appeal to his proclaimed love of Marvel's dubious golden age, it had to, at least, say "Marvel Comics" on the front.  Bragging rights among--who knows, exactly?  But Omega is it's own beast, entirely--it's not much like what the man's novels are like, it doesn't look much like anything that Marvel publishes, and it reads like it was published in the earlier years of the Vertigo line, when they would published Ted McKeever's neo-gothic ramblings and unsellable graphic novels about old men in comas.  If you're basing whether it's good or not by what it's surrounded by, then yes, it's pretty much okay, but if you're asking whether you're going to shelve it alongside Paul Pope and Neal Adams as something you'll enjoy re-reading in five years, then the answer is--well, we'll always have Motherless Brooklyn, won't we?

Northlanders # 3
Written by Brian Wood
Art by Davide Gianfelice
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

The most interesting thing that came out of what this reader found in the debut issue of Comics Foundry (which looks like Maxim, with less attractive models, and is about, you know, Spider-man and shit) was when Brian Wood pointed out that he has all the trades of Garth Ennis' Punisher MAX series.  Wood, according to the opinions of other internet comics writers, is the one writer that Marvel would sell crack to get away from DC.  It's not hard to see why--and it's not that hard to imagine how well Wood could handle something like Punisher MAX.  Not from reading DMZ, a book that's never really pulled off the violence that well, but from this issue of Northlanders--most definitely.  It's a short list of comics that include a guy wearing the head of a moose to frighten people, who he then slaughters with a huge sword.  In fact, that list is probably just this comic and nothing else.  Although it is a device that would work extraordinarily well in Moon Knight.  (UPDATE: Brian Wood responds here.)

Scud The Disposable Assassin # 21
By Rob Schrab
Published by Image Comics

The nice thing about having comic books in long boxes and not buying the trades is that a comics reader doesn't ever end up going back to re-read the stuff they thought was great before they had sex and saw The Wire.  Unfortunately, sometimes the creator of one of those series decides to return to comic books to "finish" a series that never had an over-arcing plot of any significance, and was never actually headed towards any reasonable climax.  Case in point:  Scud: The Disposable Assassin, which is now back, and will supposedly be back for awhile, and has so far succeeded only in digging up what were old somewhat happy memories, pissing all over them, and shoving them so far down this readers mouth that the salty brine is collecting in this readers new Air Force 1's.  Thanks a fucking lot Image.  Time to dispose of this motherfucker.  (Get it?  Because he's "disposable?"  It's not funny, but neither was this comic.)

Detective Comics # 841
Written by Paul Dini
Art by Dustin Nguyen & Derek Fridolfs
Published by DC Comics

Why don't you hear about the Buzzcock's more often?  Besides Robert Christgau, I can't remember the last time that a non-critic mentioned them, besides that woman at work who was sleeping with a certain terrible pop-stars current boyfriend.  They're a great band.  Oh, and it was nice and timely for Paul Dini to have Detective Comics set part of it's story at Gotham Fashion Week, and have it come out the same time as New York Fashion Week.  Clever stuff, and Nguyen effectively came up with a collection that was much better than what John Varvatos premiered in the real world on Monday.  Varvatos did look like he was going to go somewhere, at least with his Converse collection, but it looks like he's allowing the ready-to-wear of the Converse stuff to seep into his primary high end line.  On top of that, the invitations and tickets for the show were terrible--not just because of the flimsy paper stock, but because they were almost exactly the same as his previous show tickets, except without that irritating piece of cotton fabric in the envelope.  It's nitpicky, we know, but fashion is an unforgiving business--especially with what Derek Lam and Proenza Schuler came out with.  Now those were great shows.

The Boys # 15
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Darick Robertson
Published by Dynamite Entertainment

The Russian escapade put to bed, Ennis returns with another issue of The Boys that's just about as nasty as anything else this series has produced.  It's turning out to be a lot like Hitman, with the volume turned way up, but this series continues to become exponentially more of a pleasure to spend time with when it's surrounded by the ultra-serious, and ultra-obnoxiousness, of things like Mighty Avengers, the Sinestro Corps, and pretty much anything that features Superman or Wolverine.  Stand alone, The Boys is still a comic that's a long form Mad magazine parody where wit takes a back seat to offensive--but until Johnny Ryan starts releasing a weekly edition of Comic Book Holocaust, this is the only title that's filling the bill of virulent contempt for super-heroes.  That right there will hopefully keep this book selling enough copies to last until Ennis goes into detox.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Stunt Casting with The Virgin Read: Nightwing--Don't Stop, Can't Stop. Let's Get Twisted.

Nightwing # 141
Written by Peter Tomasi
Art by Rags Morales & Michael Bair
Published by DC Comics

Editors Note: This Interview Was Conducted At The Brooklyn Branch Of The Factual Opinion.

TFO: So, Why Nightwing?  For the most part, you've steered clear of super-heroes as much as possible, and had multiple opportunities to go after non-spandex books this week.  What's the deal?

Nina Miller: I think any of the non-super hero I'd either read before for the Virgin Read or they were just really weird.

TFO: What do you mean weird?

Nina Miller: Oh...There was the one that looked like it was about Felix the cat but without Felix the Cat's face, that was a new one, a first issue and then there was--that one where the art was really wacky, or the story were maybe...zombies?  Which I also don't totally dig, although, I liked...what's that movie I liked?  Nightfall?

TFO: Nightwatch?  Nightwatch.  You thought there was a comic that looked like Nightwatch?

Nina Miller: I can't remember.  [Laughing]  All I remember was that it was between...what was it?  Oh, it was between Nightwing and Batman Confidential.  Because I thought that maybe, with the Joker, Heath Ledger--maybe I'd do that.  But Nightwing was blue. [Laughs] And that's why I picked it.

TFO: Why did the color blue beat Heath Ledger?

Nina Miller:  I love blue.  It's my favorite color, as you know.  My bridesmaid dresses are periwinkle.  Honestly, something about the Nightwing cover was very striking and cool, it's attractive and he was--you know, he was "springing into action" from a tombstone, with knives in his face.

Which actually doesn't happen in the comic at all.

TFO: Does that bother you, when what's on the cover doesn't occur?

Nina Miller:  No, actually it just occurred to me now that it didn't happen.  Unless it's on the last page.  [Thumbing through issue.] Nope.  But yeah, honestly it was the only one that semi-appealed to my senses.

TFO: Would you say that this was the worst comic book you've ever read?  If not, why not?

Nina Miller: [Laughs]  No sir. It is definitely not the worst.  [Cell phone began ringing, with Europe's "The Final Countdown" as ringtone, Nina begins making beeping noises to the song] Noooo!  Sir.  It was not the worst comic book I've ever read.  I'd like to say what the worst comic I've ever read was but I can't think of one...maybe The Picture of Dorian Gray.  Maybe.  Anyway!  Why not?  Well--starting it off with Nightwing and Superman just shooting the shit in a park--that was kind of cool, especially how easily they talked to each.  That was probably one of my favorite parts of the comic.  The way that they talked there, and then later on, the way Nightwing talked to the Shazam-looking guy.

TFO: The Flash?

Nina Miller: [Smirking]  I guess so.  He's wearing Shazam's costume.  Shazam from the saturday morning cartoons.  Oh wait, but it wasn't a cartoon, it was actually live.  With people acting.

TFO: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Nina Miller:  It was a show I watched when I was little, and that was what he wore!  Red suit, with a thunderbolt, a lightning bolt!    That I liked.  This took place in New York, and I knew exactly where, because I've been to the Cloisters, I love the Cloisters.  But it was something--like a lot of these comics lately, I mean, the ones that I've liked...it's cinematic.  Or episodic?  I don't know if it's cinematic or episodic.  You know, they have definite scenes, each scene has a beginning, a middle and an end, they're all slowly intertwined.  Characters are introduced, and then you jump to a new scene, and then it has everything--it has his double identity.  Is that what it's called, double identity?  Who he is by day, and who he is by night.  Who he is with his friends,  what he's fighting for, how he's connected to Batman and...

TFO: Wait.  You know how's he's connected to Batman?

Nina Miller: [Laughing] Well, in the middle they show how he calls Batman and is all "Yo, what's up.  Buy all these buildings in Manhattan me, so then I can easily get through Manhattan because my motorcycle's too slow."  He can't fly.  I have a feeling that that's a thing, that he once could fly, and now he can't and that's a problem.  Although he is hang gliding at the end. 

TFO: He could never fly. He used to be Robin.

Nina Miller: Oh, okay.  Ahhh.  Oh yeah, his mask is like a bat.  So yeah, I liked it!  It was fun.

TFO: Wouldn't you agree that Superman is, for the most part, a tool?

Nina Miller: [Giggling, different from previous laughing]  Well, I don't feel I know superwell...Superman well enough to call him a tool.  But when I read he was paying his yearly respects to a hero buried at Valhalla, I thought "Does he always pay yearly respects?  He must know a lot of dead heroes.  He must be spending a lot of time at graveyards."  Right?  Wait, you think Superman is a tool?  In this comic?  I thought it was pretty funny how Superman took a picture with the guard, and the guard got to punch him and shit.

TFO: I have no opinion about Superman.  None whatsoever.

Nina Miller: Did I answer the question for you?  Can I interview you about Superman?

TFO: No.

Nina Miller: What do you think of Nightwing?

TFO: [Ignores question]  Do you like Rags Morales as an artist?  I've always thought he was a fat sack of boring.

Nina Miller: Well. [Laughs]  He was fine.  I get the...I mean, [flipping pages] I don't read comics as much as you guys do, so I'm not sitting here going "Borrringgg!  That last one was so much better!"  You know--I feel like he captured things really well.  It looks more like a cartoon.  Like I could turn this on and watch it in cartoon form, where as other artists don't seem as cartoony.  Is that true?  Do people say that?  That some artists don't seem as cartoony?

TFO: Did you seriously think Nightwing was good-looking?  Sometimes women say that about Nightwing, and I've always thought it was, while not as creepy as guys into female heroes, it was still sort of like: what, you like Nightwing?

Nina Miller: Well.  Only this--he seemed good-looking, but there where a couple of times that I said wait a minute, is that the same guy?  The same guy who, on this page, is here eating re-heated chinese food and the guy who's wearing the costume and talking to Batman?  Oh, okay, I guess it is.  I was never like wow he's hot.  But I was like, wow, Batman is NOT hot.  Compared to Nightwing in this issue.  I thought that was kind of weird.

TFO: Because Batman should always be hot?

Nina Miller: Yes, I think Batman should be hotter than Nightwing.  Don't you?

TFO: I have no opinion about that.

Nina Miller: Batman's hotness?  Well, look, the way he's drawn here like he's an uptight anal villain.

TFO: You think villains are anal?

Nina Milller: No.  He looks like "that" kind of villain.  He's very villainous, and he's very, very neat, and particular.  In fact, he could be...what's his face.  Who does Michael Caine play?

TFO: Alfred.

Nina Miller:  Yes.  I feel like he's got an Alfred face.  Not a Batman face.

TFO: Did you know that the other guy is Alfred?

Nina Miller: Yes, and he doesn't look like it.  They [Batman and Alfred] look kind of similar.  They could be brothers!  [Laughing] Right??  The way the jawline is...maybe they are!  Maybe that's the whole thing!  Maybe Alfred's really Batman's father!

TFO: Does it surprise you that, although this is the 141st issue, Nightwing is usually pretty horrible?

Nina Miller: What?

TFO: Does it surprise you that, although this is the 141st issue, Nightwing is usually pretty horrible?

Nina Miller: [Laughing throughout response] Wait, my answer was "what."  What are you typing? 

TFO: Does it surprise you that, although this is the 141st issue, Nightwing is usually pretty horrible?

Nina Miller: I don't know what to say.  I guess so.  It seems pretty cute.  Maybe that's bad?  Maybe comics shouldn't seem cute?  141--I didn't even notice.  You think by 140, at least, they'd have gotten their shit together.

TFO: Did it seem strange to you that Gotham City is so close to Manhattan?  Like, close enough to fly there?

Nina Miller: Yeah, that was weird!  At first I thought Gotham City was just another name for New York City, a name that is just used in comics, but this is clearly New York City--and then when Nightwing was shown looking at his new place..."The Hudson View Garden Apartments."  Then I was wondering if Gotham City was supposed to be Washington Heights?  So yeah, I don't get where it is.  There's even a map right here, a map of Manhattan.  So what's going on?  Where is Gotham City?  Do you know?

TFO: It's another place entirely.

Nina Miller: Is it like Roosevelt Island?

TFO: No, it has nothing to do with New York--I don't think they've ever said the state it's in.

Nina Miller: Is it like Long Island City?  Like you think it's on Long Island but it's in Queens?

TFO: No, it's Gotham City.  It's not like anything, it's not Gotham Island.

Nina Miller: [Laughing]

TFO: This Van Halen album, which I'm hearing for the first time.  Pretty boring, right?

Nina Miller: Yes. 

TFO: What about this new Vandermark 5?

Nina Miller: I can't hear it.  Is it one of those silent albums?  By a noise-rock band?  Making no noise?  Oh it's jazzy.  [Listening]  I like this.

TFO: After hearing about the Spoiler memorial case thing, what are you female feelings?  Are you excited about super-hero comics?  Again?

Nina Miller: [Laughs] What are my female feelings?  Are you trying to ask me what my take is on that whole thing? Or "what are my female feelings about super-hero comics?"  What are you really asking me?

TFO: I feel like that was the best formed question ever.  Answer it.

Nina Miller: What?!  Repeat the question please.

TFO: After hearing about the Spoiler memorial case thing, what are you female feelings?  Are you excited about super-hero comics?

Nina Miller:  Um.  Okay.  To seem like a real virgin comic reader, let me just explain how confused I was reading about anything about this thing, because first, I did not know that The Spoiler was a name of a super-hero.  What kind of a name is that?!  I think that women should be upset that a women super-hero is "The Spoiler?"  What does she "spoil" your plans, so you'll get upset?  That's really--ugh.  Does she tell you the endings of movies?  So that's the first point.  Then I read more, and it was explained to me that this whole thing that whatever all these people have been wanting, which is kind of a bizarre thing anyway, is that they want the costume of a female character hanging in a display case.  But it's not a real display case.  It's a display case in a comic book. I thought it was, maybe hanging somewhere, in a comic book store or somewhere.  I thought it was real, you know what I mean?  Remember, I'm coming at this from civilian land.  So then when I realized that it was something in a comic book, and that it did show up in a dream sequence, in one panel?  Seriously? 

There are other things to do with your time.  You know, everybody has their thing.  I like children. You like comics.  Wait, you don't have to write that. 

If you want to have a discussion women's roles, in society, or in feminism or anything like that, then I will gladly tell you my views on it.  There are...look, I kind of don't want you typing everything I say, because I'm kind of spewing at the mouth right now.  Look, I'm passionate about real interactions, and what's really going on in my life, and my real role as a woman.  I have things going on.  I have some thoughts about womanhood, relationships, families and raising children--just all sorts of things.  My place in the world.  My relationship to the world, as a women.  I don't think--I don't find this particular cause, via the comic world, to be a real vehicle for getting anything heard or anything done.  Not to dishonor any women who feel passionately about this, or feel they've really done something.  I don't know them, and I don't their history, so no, I don't mean to offend anyone.  But it's not resonating for me at all.

TFO: Who would win in a fight: Nightwing or Mike Huckabee?  Why?

Nina Miller: Who's Mike Huckabee?

TFO: He's running for president.

Nina Miller: [Laughs]  Oh, that guy!  I know who that is.  I thought you were talking about some comic character.

TFO: The question stands.

Nina Miller: Well, to piggyback on my last answer: Mike Huckabee, because he's real.

TFO: Is there anything else you want to say about this?

Nina Miller: About Mike Huckabee?

TFO: About Nightwing.

Nina Miller: Should we talk about the cornrows?  What's up with that.

TFO: Do you have some deep thoughts about cornrows?

Nina Miller: No, I just think it's a funny choice for a hairstyle of this...who is this character?  What's her history?

TFO: She's a new character.  Just works in the library.

Nina Miller: No, it's in the museum of the city of new york.

TFO: Oh.  Is that a real museum?

Nina Miller: I don't know.  Maybe it's like the transit museum?  It's just unrealistic, because anyone with blond hair, with their hair in cornrows---you'd see their scalp.  It's just not really attractive.  Unless she's a black woman, with hair that's been dyed.  But they didn't draw her like that.  Did I have anything else to say?

TFO: How do you want to close this out?

Nina Miller: Well, it is funny that Nightwing doesn't fly.  Wing is in his name.  I love that he hang glides, but that must be a bitch to find a place to take off from.  And land--oh, and how do you travel with those?  OH!  I thought about the ladies of the comic world and wondering what they would say about...who is that?

TFO: Power Girl.

Nina Miller: Yes, Power Girl, hanging in the middle of the page.  Hanging from the ceiling.  It's funny, because there's only one other woman in the whole comic, this museum chick.

TFO: She's actually flying.

Nina Miller: Who's flying?

TFO: Power Girl.

Nina Miller: That's what she's doing right there?  She's not hanging from something?  It's just kind of funny, because it's almost like--hey, there's some token...what's the word I'm looking for?  Not sexuality.

TFO: Whore?

Nina Miller: Eye candy.  Token eye candy.  That belt she wears--what is it holding up?  And then the other thing that draws your eye to her cleavage?  I thought it was funny, because on the one hand, people would scream about women being so objectified, but I just find it funny.  You know--men like sex, I like sex, I don't think it's so bad that it's in there.  She's not horribly objectified--her boobs seem in proportion, and she actually has big hips and legs.  So...rock on, Power Girl.

-Nina Miller, 2008