The Factual Opinion

The Virgin Read: Nobody Told Her That Women Are Supposed To Hate Judd Winick's Comic Books

Green Arrow & Black Canary # 7
Written by Judd Winick
Cover by Cliff Chiang
Art by Mike Norton & Wayne Fauchner
Published by DC Comics

It was a quiet Sunday morning in my apartment, when I sat down to read this comic.  Maybe that’s the time and place I should always read comics.  Because I found Green Arrow and Black Canary to be totally charming.  Is that uncommon or weird?  To find a comic book charming?   But that’s the word that comes to mind.

I mean, first, for me, who just recently read that Batman and Robin in which they completely harangued Green Lantern – I found it interesting to see Mr. Hal Jordan in the role of the smug, self-satisfied superhero.  Whereas the first time I read about him, he seemed ridiculous in comparison to Batman.  This time, with Green Lantern vs Green Arrow in wits, looks and costume?  Green Lantern comes across as cool guy…..and Green Arrow seems a wee bit ridiculous.

Also….as you may know if you read The Virgin Read regularly, I’ve just come off a Battlestar Galactica Spree.  So, although once upon a time aliens, even fake ones, would have turned me off --  now I feel right at home when I see aliens on the first page.

I found this little Green Arrow experience to be a clever one.  I totally enjoyed reading it.  I was completely surprised by it.  Just when you think its about to got where every comic book goes – it surprises you with a threat of old ladies, clown suits, sex acts and video.  That’s gotta be a first.  Yes?

And then all of the sudden, we’re in London.  And so I must let you know that aside from BSG, I’ve been seriously watching the British show MI-5, a.k.a “Spooks.”

So, you know, I know all the tricks now.  All the ways to "spy."  How to use fake names; not be obvious when you’re following someone, etc.  And my training has paid off.  As I was reading this comic, and the dude sat next to the chick at the bar – my “training” kicked it.  I was like, “I don’t know….don’t talk to that guy.  Don’t get distracted.  And don’t be obvious that you’re spying – oh shit.  Busted.  Now, how did he know you were watching them….?? Only one who knows how to spy can, uh, spy a spy.  And --- what?  You recognized them?   Oh you’re done.  I bet he’s –HOLY SHIT!  I knew it!”

And then , it continued to play out MI-5 style.  Because, once they realized he wasn’t doing major harm, they suddenly trusted him as a source for information.  They’re suddenly all equals, drinking coffee, exchanging information. Only thing left to do is to ask him to join forces with you.

Anyhow….I feel like this review will make very little sense to the majority of people who read it.  So, suffice it to say that I found Green Arrow & Black Canary to be totally enjoyable.  And we all know how I generally feel about the costumed folks. 

And dude, I totally watched Real World when Judd Winick was on it.  My pop culture world has come full circle.    I hear that some people don’t like Judd Winick…?  I mean, c’mon, would you rather read Puck's version of comics?

-Nina Miller, 2008

Comics Of The Weak: No One Gets Away Clean With Their Pants Around Their Ankles

B.P.R.D. 1946 # 4
Written by Mike Mignola & Joshua Dysart
Art by Paul Azaceta & Nick Filardi
Published by Dark Horse Comics
Preview

In a way, this might be the slightest issue of this mini-series so far--it is, after all, the part of the story where the major players sit down and lay out everything they've learned so far.  If you'd read the first three of the story, then it's all a bit of a retread--an interesting enough retread, as it does involve Hitler's last ditch attempt to use vampires to destroy the world--but the only thing that's really new is an interrogation scene.  Of course, it is an interrogation scene involving the demonic little Hummel doll of a girl who's turned out to be the finest addition to Mignola's world of weirdos since he came up with a possessed Army general, so it's actually a pretty great comic.  Unsurprisingly, B.P.R.D. is the one series that can get away with repeating itself solely by chucking some creativity onto the fire.  On top of all that, the next issue involves a severed head in a robot spider-body--and if that's not one of your main reasons for buying mainstream comic books, then you never really cared about this industry in the first place.

Batman Confidential # 16
Written by Tony Bedard
Art by Rags Morales, Mick Gray, Rodney Ramos & I.L.L.
Published by DC Comics

If you like to see what it looks like when all reason and sanity keep getting propped up and finger-fucked even though those vaunted staples died with the original Anti-Monitor, go to the DC message boards.  There, you'll find out that there's actual real human beings that look forward to a new issue of Tony Bedard's Batman Confidential story, of which this is the completely non-dramatic conclusion.  Then sit back and think about the fact that these are the kind of people who can negate every piece of research you've done to decide who you're going to vote for, because these are Americans, and they are responsible for making sure they clean their sure-to-be-covered-in-syphilis hands before they serve you fries.  These are real human beings, and this is their comic:  my mouth is full of blood.  The snake has risen.  The three-in-one will destroy us all.  Brimstone!

Titans # 1
Written by Judd Winick
Art by Ian Churchill, Norm Rapmund & Edgar Delagado
Published by DC Comics

Rumor has it that this is the worst comic of the year so far.  Really though?  Isn't that Badger Saves The World thing still coming out?  That's got to be worse.  This has boobs in it, right?  Apparently this is a continuation of some story that started last year, that involved some people no one here at the office has ever heard of.  (Son of Vulcan?  That's a real character name?  Did somebodies kid have cancer?  Was that "his wish?")  It isn't like it really matters to the story anyway--this is just another "let's check in on a bunch of characters, most of whom have unsuccessful solo series and one of them is named Red I Have A Kid I Have A Kid, No Personality, Kid Instead Arrow" kind of things.  Otherwise, there's not much here, excepting a hint of spank material.  Is Starfire having sex with Animal Man's kid?  Does that kid still have a mullet?  I've got Questions, they need Answering.  We did find out that some people are looking forward to reading more of this, because of the shower scene with Wally West, which is a reminder to us all:  as much as people say they hate Judd Winick, there's probably a lot of babies and dirty hand towels that should be thanking Judd Winick right now.  He's covering both sides of the "too cheap to buy real porn" equation.  Comics!  Not just for male toll-booth workers!

Criminal # 2
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Sean Phillips & Val Staples
Published by Icon/Marvel Comics

While the first volume of Criminal focused on Brubaker's version of heist and revenge flicks, the meat of this second volume seems to be him and Sean Phillips taking on an even more popular crime story--the extended saga, the opus, the Godfather-type epic.  After a tremendously unsettling first issue, one that brought forth the kindest of Criminal's bad men, only to cripple him permanently, Brubaker and Phillips turn to another side of the chapter--here, instead of further exploring the Hyde family internally, they jump to Teeg Lawless, father to the protagonist from last year's volume of the series.  He's a tough, battle scarred Vietnam veteran, suffering and embracing his alcoholism, and by the end of this extended issue, he's put more bodies into the ground.  There's plenty of extended looks at this issue by some talented critics--we're content to say that this is one of the strongest issues in an incredibly good series so far.

Wormwood Gentleman Corpse: Calamari Rising # 3
By Ben Templesmith
Published by IDW Publishing

The heart and soul of enjoying Wormwood Gentleman Corpse is acknowledging and ignoring the similarities to Vertigo's John Constantine--more difficult in this issue than previously, as Wormwood spends most of it spitting out things like "Let a bloke have a last smoke" and "Bugger."  That being said, there was room on the I-liked-this-train as it was a pretty awful week in comics, and Ben Templesmith continues to show off why he's a real talent on the art front, even as he's taking a bit of the slacker's route with the dialog.  It's been a little while since he's gotten the chance to draw big things blowing up, and Templesmith's version of that comics trope is relatively unique--when is the last time somebody drew an explosion and included, in bold, the text "Insert Something Loud Here?"  If that sounds cheap and stupid, then you're missing the point already.

Fantastic Four # 556
Written by Mark Millar
Art by Bryan Hitch, Andre Currie & Paul Mounts
Published by Marvel Comics

God, whoever handled snowflake detail on this issue needs to be run over by a car, maybe one of the last of the great Interceptors, because this piece of what-the-hell is almost unreadable.  It looks like one of those really cheap back issues of ROM where some kid thought he'd "help" the artist by including pleas to "get me outt of house daddy touch bad" and "hurt when make pee."  It's like, hey, I'm sorry you're poor, i'm trying to read about this fucking Space Knight though and I paid a dime for this you ungrateful thing.  Anyway, Millar's really phoning it in on this one--maybe this is supposed to be interesting, reading these speed-metal stories about Reed Richards and his smarts, and his space-motorcycle, or whatever, but this shit is just interminable.  It's the equivalent of eavesdropping on some guy describing a bad first date when you're waiting for a delayed flight--sure, it's better than staring at those wheelchair people and wondering why they even sell them tickets anyway, because how different is your location when you can't even walk, you know?  But shit, I'll listen to you talk about how she doesn't like the NBA, just college basketball, and you don't know WHY Sheryl set you up with her, but fuck it, she did, and really, can I just get on the plane?  I don't care whether Reed stops this giant robot, it's not like they're in a city.  It's a military base in Alaska.  Big fucking deal. 

The Last Defenders # 2
Written by Joe Casey & Keith Giffen
Art by Jim Muniz, Cam Smith & Antonio Fabela
Published by Marvel Comics

It would do well for Marvel to publish more of these sort of stories--quirky little super-hero comics that utilize all of the trappings of their status quo with none of the deadweight moralizing.  The Last Defenders is a special sort of odd--the same ragtag group of losers from the first issue, more of the ridiculously named and hilariously effete Damion Hellstrom, Son of Satan at a bad dinner party on the outskirts of the galaxy, and a relationship that, if it isn't an in-the-closet romance, really should be.  (Between the who-is-this-guy Nighthawk and Joaquin Pennysworth, a name that is plastered to an alpha dog black man built like a professional wrestler.  Wait a second, read that again.  His name is Joaquin Pennysworth, and he looks like Denzel crossed with Ric Flair.)  Nothing about Last Defenders is especially memorable, and it's not as funny as Nextwave, but it's certainly nowhere near the realm of Serious Comics About Spandexed Asshats that is pretty much everything else in the Marvel oeuvre.

Wolverine # 64
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Ron Garney & Jason Keith
Published by Marvel Comics

Why Ron Garney ever allowed anyone to ink his work is one of those questions that deserves some kind of sensible answer--his work, while pretty much standard super-hero stuff, has never looked as good as it does in these recent issues of Wolverine.  While the history of Dipshit McStabbathon is full of moments where all his Canadian flesh has been seared off the bone, Garney's pulled off a version of a hideously burned Wolverine that should stand as the definitive portrayal.  (Of course, considering Wolvsie gets burned about as often as David Archuleta makes this reader want to castrate his grandfather, Garney's work will soon be replaced by a tragic Greg Land version.)  It's too bad that Aaron seems to be dealing with his increased workload (he's now writing 67% of Marvel's output) by repeating, almost word for word, the same irritating dialog where Lamesy Bladefingers complains to the reader about how much "it hurts to recover from getting shot," yet another in the long list of "facts" that now stand in for the non-development of one of the most overused and under-written characters in the lineage of irritatingly pretentious mutants that populate the Marvel universe.

Young Liars # 2
By David Lapham
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

There's this totally awesomely stupid tactic that Vertigo is pulling off with it's new series lately--see, instead of capitalizing on the fact that the most knuckle-dragging idiot is more likely to buy Witchblade Eats A Transformer if there's a big number 1 plastered on the cover, all the latest Vertigo comics choose to publish firsties that don't serve as anything more than the worst possible script outline of what looks to be a terrible series.  Then, to reward anybody who is either stupid enough to come back for more, or just desperate to read something, anything, not having to do with the Red Goddamned Arrow, doesn't matter what, anything, hell, it can have an Alex Ross cover, it can be about talking plastic, anything:  then Vertigo publishes something good.  On the second issue.  Even though no one is excited about the series, after reading the first issue?  Totally blah blah sleepytime.  So yeah, second issue of Young Liars?  Better than the song Young Liars, which isn't a bad song at all.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Stunt Casting: Sarah Pfeifer Got Her Violence, Just The Way She Liked It.

The Factual Opinion:  This is Sarah Pfeifer.  Here we go.  Why did you pick Kick-Ass out of all the other comics?

Sarah Pfeifer:  I'm not really sure.  It was different then the other ones?  I'd heard enough about Superman and Spider-Man and all those.  So I thought I'd pick a different one.  It has a pretty sweet title.  I'm not normally into very violent things, so I thought I'd try it out.  See if it was that bad.

TFO:  You purposely chose something that you thought might offend you?

Pfeifer:  Something that I wouldn't like, yeah.

TFO:  Why?

Pfeifer:  I don't know.  I was just in the mood...[laughs]...for something really gory.  It actually is pretty thrilling when he shoves that thing in that guys face. [Referring to a particularly violent fight at the end of the comic, involving said thing and said face]  Pretty gross.  When they're fighting.  That one. [Pointing to page]

TFO:  I think I have an idea, but I'm not sure that I'm correct...what is your experience with the funnybooks?

Pfeifer:  The funnybooks?

TFO:  The comic book-e-lets?

Pfeifer:  My ex-boyfriend was really into comic books.  I would occasionally read some with him.  I actually ended up reading a lot of the stuff I bought him for Christmas last year.  Which was lots of everything.  Everything Marvel-related.

TFO:  So he was a super-hero comic guy.

Pfeifer:  Yes.  Majorly.  The Hulk was his favorite character.  [Laughs]  Not my personal favorite, but...

TFO:  So before that, nothing.  Then you got with the guy and...

Pfeifer:  Oh, well I actually read Archie comics when I was little.

TFO:  OK, well, that's pretty standard.  Did the boyfriend recommend you read some comic books, or would you say you chose to on your own?

Pfeifer:  I generally like to try stuff that other people like just out of a fascination to see why they like the things they do.  I don't know, maybe that's a weird, dorky thing to do.  I couldn't understand why he was so fascinated by them, and, actually, a lot of the guys in his fraternity were really into comics.  So I kind of read them for my own education so I wasn't sitting in a room not knowing what I was talking about.  I found them pretty entertaining, actually.

TFO:  Was there any attempt to get you to read stuff, or did you just choose yourself?

Pfeifer:  No.  He'd give me stuff to read.

TFO:  Like homework.

Pfeifer:  We'd read them on his computer together.  He was always downloading them online.

TFO:  Really?  Like illegally download them?  Like you do with CD's and stuff?

Pfeifer:  Yes, I'm sure.  His computer crashed quite a few times because he had too many comics on there.  I don't know.  I never really got into them as much as him, obviously.

TFO:  None of that stuck after the relationship ended.  You don't find yourself yearning to read an issue of Hulk.

Pfeifer:  No.  No.  I just don't like the Hulk. [Laughing]

TFO:  The Hulk specifically?

Pfeifer:  The Hulk specifically!  Green...ugh.  I prefer using my imagination over pictures.  Imagining what characters look like--that's what I'd rather read.

TFO:  In a novel.

Pfeifer:  Yes.  Not that I mind [comics] majorly...but I'd generally would rather get into my own imagination.

The Actual Comic Gives Way To A Melrose Place Moment

TFO:  So what was your take on Kick-Ass then?  Because you seemed to really like it.

Pfeifer:  I was really surprised, because I didn't think I would!  Which I guess was part of the appeal of picking it out, because I thought it would be easier to talk about if it wasn't enjoyable.  But, actually, it's the second issue--yes--and in the middle of it, they do this really cool thing...[referring to a scripted portion of the comic with John Romita's pencils]  where they show how the dialog is written out, and then they show how they put these comics together.  I thought that was pretty neat.  I looked that over a few times, just that actual process of doing it.  I think the one thing that I didn't enjoy was the past tense that is used.  It doesn't leave any suspense, because if he's talking in past tense, you obviously know he's alive.  I wish [the writer] hadn't done that, because then there would be more chance of it actually being thrilling.

TFO:  If you could think he wasn't going to make it, that sort of thing.

Pfeifer:  Exactly.

TFO:  Was this anything like the comics you've read before?

Pfeifer:  No.  [Laughs]  What did I read before? Y: The Last Man.  A lot of Superman.  And Captain America.

TFO:  Captain America's not bad.  Superman's a garbage pile.

Pfeifer:  I do remember my boyfriend almost crying when Captain America was killed.  Wasn't it Captain America who died, last year?

TFO:  Yes.  Wait, cried?  Really?

Pfeifer:  Yeah.  I was in London--I think I was in London, he's from London--when the issue was coming out, I remember we had to run around to all the comic book stores there, looking for the issue.  Then I think someone told him, because they had read it in the paper.  The New York Times had an article about it or something.  He was distraught.  Along with all his friends.  I guess that was like the really cool thing to do over there, I don't know.

Back To Kick-Ass

Pfeifer:  This was very different.  I'm used to super-heroes, not just people who love...super-powers, and then try to emulate them.

TFO:  Did you get a vibe that this was going for a "realistic" thing?

Pfeifer:  Yes.  It's much more realistic--well, relativley speaking.  [Laughing]  I liked it though.

TFO:  Had you seen any of the viral advertising they'd done for this?  The Youtube videos?

Pfeifer:  No.

TFO:  They came out with fake Youtube videos of this character "fighting crime."  That's where that little reference at the end comes from. 

Pfeifer:  Oh, okay.

TFO:  Did any of the ads for other comics get you nostalgic?

Pfeifer:  [Laughing]  No.  I did stare at this one for awhile.

TFO:  The Secret Invasion ad?  That was a potential for this little experiment.

Pfeifer:  Was it?

TFO:  Yes.  It's the "big" event comic.

Pfeifer:  Huh.  Yeah, I definitely stared at that for awhile--just because it's different.  All these others [Iron Man & Avengers ads] are fairly typical comic drawings.  I thought that one was more artsy.

TFO:  You'd mentioned that you kind of wanted to see what happens next.  What was it that stood out that made you want to?

Pfeifer:  Well, not a whole lot happens.  I mean, look:  he's just talking, and talking, and talking.  Then they're fighting, and they're fighting for a loooong time.  He's really taking it to these guys.  Then they don't really...look, I hate ending a story in the middle.  I want to know what happens next.  There's a lot of violence, and a fair amount of background but not too much substance to what's going on, not much context.  I definitely want to read the next one to see what happens.

TFO:  The first one is basically exactly like this, except that the background is him deciding to do the costume thing.  Then you see him get his ass kicked, and hit by a car.  There's a lot more yapping.

Pfeifer:  Is it boring?

TFO:  It's the same as this.  If you enjoyed reading the second issue, then you'll enjoy the first.  If you enjoy reading the backstory, and you enjoy reading the fighting?  The same.  The art is good?

Pfeifer:  Yes, it is good.  I was impressed.

TFO:  He's considered a kind of "classic" art guy.  His dad was a famous comic book artist, he drew Spider-Man.  John Romita, Jr.  is a famous comic book artist, draws all kinds of stuff.

Pfeifer:  It's not my favorite kind of drawing, but--especially in that part where they show the different levels of his drawings--I could definitely appreciate it.  I prefer more of this kind of stuff.  [Pointing to the Iron Man advertisement]  More colorful.

TFO:  The kind of over-the-top, super-hero kind of stuff.

Pfeifer:  Or Archie.

TFO:  I don't think Archie has bulging pectorals.

Pfeifer:  I don't recall.  They don't have awesome skin-tight outfits or anything.

TFO:  How do you want to finish this up?

Pfeifer:  I don't know.  I was impressed.  A little grossed-out.  But I had very low expectations.

TFO:  Really?

Pfeifer:  It's called Kick-Ass.

TFO:  It is called Kick-Ass, and it does say "Sickening violence: just the way you like it" on the cover.

Pfeifer:  Well, the title is what made me pick it up.  It grabs you.  Because, you know, I don't really like "Sickening Violence."

TFO:  But you did this time.

Pfeifer:  I did.  I was interested to see violence "just the way I would like it."

Born in Atlanta and raised in Louisville, KY, Sarah Alyse Pfeifer celebrates her Southern culture and lives for Derby season. After high school, she moved to the black hole that is rural Ohio where she acquired a BA in Sociology from Kenyon College. While there, she also played field hockey, tutored 1st graders at a local elementary school, and fell in love with the nature and beauty of Gambier, OH.

Like any true Sociology major, Sarah spends much of her time exploring social forces and their effects (like what compels someone to write a "graphic novel" about an individual who possess super-human powers and what that says about our society).

Sarah's many interests include any and all live music (especially the Indigo Girls), Morocco (where she lived for 4 months), volunteering with New York Cares and taking advantage of all life in a city of 8 million has to offer. She hopes to get a Master's in education, learn more about sustainable agriculture, and someday return to Morocco.  If Peter Petrelli was there, that would be pretty awesome.

The Virgin Read: She Points Out That Secret Invasion Is Reminiscient Of Something For LIL' BABIES WAH WAH

Secret Invasion # 1
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Lenil Yu, Mark Morales, & Laura Martin
Published by Marvel Comics

For those of you reading this column, The Virgin Read, for the first time, I would like to make it clear on what this whole Virgin-Read-thing is.  I am not (or WAS not, until about 4 months ago) a comic book reader.  The CEO of Factual thought it would be interesting to see what a non-comic-book reader thinks about comic books.  And in my case, particularly, what is the perspective of a female, 30-something, non-comic book reader on a comic she’s never read before.  Is it easy or hard to understand?  Does it appeal to this demographic or, um, offend it?  What is the opinion of the art work?  Etc., etc., etc.  And thus, The Virgin Read was born.

If you’ve read regularly, you know that I am not a huge fan of Super Hero comic books.  Originally, it was simply because they seemed too silly to take seriously – and this was my take before ever actually reading a Super Hero comic.  Now that I’ve read a few, I can state as fact that they are at best, silly.  I mean, that’s my opinion anyhow.

So, then we come to the usual question I pose in the column, “Why did I pick this comic, this week?’  Well, honestly, of all the other choices, I’ve already read and reviewed nearly all of them.  It was down to Secret Invasion and American Splendor.  The bosses found it amusing (for reasons unknown to me at the time, but now clear) that Secret Invasion was in my Final Two, and he said, “do that one.”  So, ya know, I do what The Boss tells me to do. 

And, well, I didn’t really realize that it was a Super Hero comic.  And, shit, it isn’t just a Super Hero comic.  Its, like, The Prom of Super Heroes.  Its, like, when the casts of Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley would show up on each other’s show.  I don’t know why that used to get me all giddy, but it did.  Of course, I was eight years old.  But, um, this didn’t really get me giddy. 

See, I didn’t see Spidy on the cover, and I didn’t recognize Wolverine’s claws.  I saw those spacey looking guys.  And it said Invasion in the same font that “Body Snatchers” is written in Revenge of the Body Snatchers (I think).

I thought it was about space and...you know, stuff.  And, I’d just finished a marathon of the entire third season of Battlestar Galactica on DVD.  Dude, I was READY for this.

And yet, I wasn’t.  No.  No.  This was too weird for me.  First: it was, essentially, the whole Cylon thing from BSG.  Except they are Skrulls.  And then, it was, like every single comic book hero ever known to man thrown in.   And nearly every other frame has the introduction of a new character or of new setting.  It's like the l-o-n-g-e-s-t movie intro in the universe. 

And then I got to the page where they are all there, walking out of a spaceship, thinking they are on Earth.  They are all represented.  And the lightbulb went off.  “Oh, I get it.  I get it!  This is, like, for comic people, the equivalent of when the kids I teach go and see Elmo Live.  Its like, ELMO!  LIVE!  And all the others are there too!  Big Bird!  And Sully! And Zoe!  Singing!  And Dancing!  But ALL TOGETHER.

I mean, the thing is, I didn’t really get it.  Not because the plot twists were over my head, or anything.  It just would have been such an investment of time to keep track of (and investigate) who everyone was, and keep them all straight in order to understand or grasp the impact of this whole conglomeration of heroes.  As an outsider reading this, I felt just like that:  an outsider.  Oh well.  Back to the independent comics for me!

-Nina Miller, 2008

Comics Of The Weak: The Lady Is Going To Handle Secret Invasion, So Here's The Dregs

Abe Sapian # 3
Written by Mike Mignola
Art by Jason Shawn Alexander
Published by Dark Horse Comics
Preview available here

With this issue, it's a little more clear why this mini-series is the worst Hellboy-related series released thus far by Mignola & crew--at first, it seemed like it was because it was meaningless and derivate, two things it totally still is.  But the real irksome thing wasn't clear until now, as the story has passed the halfway point: somehow, Mike Mignola, the creator of this little universe, has created bad fan-fiction, out of something he created.  The story has all the hallmarks:  the complete lack of gravity to the story (being set in the past and featuring all but two or three completely inconsequential characters,)  the always horribly obnoxious emoting (all of which is stemming from the main characters completely incompetent behavior and his own insecurities) and, to top it all off, the incredibly low stakes of being set in a vaguely unimportant location that only serves as being a environmental deus ex machina for the plot.  Run through that again, and look at it like this:  if the story is going to be compelling, part of that is going to require the story to at least carry a feint of importance--but this thing, set at some random time after Hellboy's retirement, is a time when any idea of what the other characters were doing is completely irrelevant.  No one cares what they were doing.  It's the equivalent of writing a follow up mini-series to Watchmen that focuses on what Rorshach did when he had to drop a bowel movement while carrying around that "End Is Nigh" sign.  Who.  Fucking.  Cares.  The emoting is bad enough--what makes it even worse is that the emoting stems from a main character who's self-pity and self-loathing already straddle the line of Home Alone 3 levels of irritating, and to top it off, he's spent the entire portion of the last two issues running around and being confused.  He hasn't solved anything, figured anything out, he hasn't Done Anything.  The last one--the setting--that's less of a irritation, although it stinks of the one thing Mignola is usually able to smooth over better:  that the guy loves to read old, weird books about shit, and then he writes a story using some random weird shit he read as a jumping off point.  Here, it seems clear that all he did was read about San Sebastian (or whatever San Sebastian is standing in for) and figured the story would just flow with that for it's inspiration.   It doesn't. 

Countdown Special: Kamandi The Last Boy On Earth
By Jack Kirby
Inked and Lettered by Mike Royer
Published by DC Comics
Originally Published by DC Comics, 1972, 1973, 1975

It's an interesting bit of counter-programming for DC to look at the publishing calendar and decide that a five dollar 80 page reprint of Jack Kirby's Kamandi comic should come out the same day as Marvel's bloated cum-force majuere Secret Invasion--at the same time, it's also completely counter-productive, as even something as meager as Kirby's Kamandi is always going to be far more rewarding than everything else DC has out.  It's almost like DC is openly ceding any attempt to overtake Marvel's current sales lead:  "Well, go ahead and continue to kick our ass completely, but at least we let Kirby do pretty much whatever the hell he wanted when he was here, here's the proof.  Please read Brave & The Bold, you know, if you have time or something.  Can we have Ed Brubaker back?" 

Detective Comics # 843
Written by Paul Dini
Art by Dustin Nguyen, Derek Fridolfs & John Kalisz
Published by DC Comics

Paul Dini's entire run of stories on Detective Comics can pretty much roundly be described as stories that would have been told on Batman: The Animated Series if Dini had been forced to deal with DC comic book continuity.  That being said, they're somewhat effective--while this issue isn't exactly bursting any seams with labyrinthine plotting, it's decently told and decently illustrated.  Still, it's more-of-the-sameness does serve as a bit of distraction--all of Dini's recent stories, when stacked on top of each other, are not that different from any of the others that have been produced in the line that is Detective Comics--most of the time, when Detective doesn't have to deal with a crossover, this is what it tells: short done-in-ones or brief three parters.  It's pretty much the Law & Order of the DC universe--sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not-so-good, but it always looks the same, and it is never, never exciting.  Or surprising.  Or really that compelling.  But it is inoffensive enough so that, like oatmeal, you can pretty much eat it 3 or 4 times a week for breakfast and only about once a year does it make you want to throw up.

Nightwing # 143
Written by Peter Tomasi
Art by Don Kramer, Christian Alamy, Mark McKenna & Nathan Eyring
Published by DC Comics

Somehow, someway, some comic book deity looked up from reading about the Carl Barks reprints and convinced the editorial board to find some really good inkers for Don Kramer, because his work has never looked better.  (And by better we mean amazingly tolerable, which is still short of "good.")  The story itself, one that finishes with a tongue-in-cheek homage to Jaws, is yet another in the recent Tomasi run that is concise, somewhat intriguing and, in keeping with Nightwing's tradition of being a totally unnecessary and mediocre super-hero comic, readable.  In fact, this is the first time, even in Tomasi's run, where this comic may actually be something that might appeal to somebody who's life doesn't revolve around Bruce Wayne's ephemera.  (There is still always going to be the problem that this is a comic book about the poor man's Batman, that same poor man's version of villains, and his side job as the curator of a museum that will never be hip, trendy, or appealing to someone who isn't trying to figure out a way to shoehorn "education" into their repugnant children's tick-like brains by making them look at tapestries.)

The Boys # 17
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Darick Robertson & Tony Avina
Published by Dynamite

That's got to be the first time someone has earned their redwings in a comic book.  I bet they don't even do that shit in Omaha: The Cat Dancer.  For what it is, being the basis for the entire issue, it works as a "what the fuck?  Oh Jesus man, did you really make that Darick guy draw that?"  Whether or not you can call it misogynistic is up to other people and their blogs, but, even without dropping that over-used and soon-to-be-neutered-of-import term, this has to be called "offensive" at least.  It does serves as an intriguingly unusual form of cliff-hanger, as one wonders what odd phrase Garth Ennis is going to dig out of his brain next issue for all the other characters to use when making fun of Hughie.  Will it be a military term from the first World War?  Will it be something from Ireland?  Will the French guy have his own?

Amazing Spider-Man # 555
Written by Zeb Wells
Art by Chris Bachalo, Tim Townsend & Antonio Fabela
Published by Marvel Comics

For financial reasons, Marvel Comics like to throw Wolverine and Spider-Man together on a near continuous basis--even before Brian Bendis pointed out that the best thing to do with the low-selling Avengers books would be to combine all their most popular characters and ditch the Z-grade Jack Of Hearts and the Football character, one could pretty much rely on seeing Petie Parkins and Logie Knifehand together every two months or so.  Their relationship never advances--most of the time they behave as if they've just learned each others names, and their conversations don't extend beyond Wolvie implying that Spidey has a small penis and Spidey behaving so bashfully that it almost seems like he expects Logan to invite him to a Sadie Hawkins dance.  Pretty much the only way to enjoy their relentlessly predictable team-ups is to read it as if they're seeing each other after a drunken experiment with homosexuality.  It adds a level of emotional gravity to stories that, otherwise, are never going to be worth reading.  Ever.

Omega The Unknown # 7
Written by Jonathan Lethem
Art by Gary Panter & Faryl Daryrmple
Published by Marvel Comics

Merely including Gary Panter in any fashion was going to make the best issue of Omega The Unknown thus far, so the main surprise that follows is that this, regardless of Panter's excellent work, this also happened to be the issue of Omega where everything that's been set up in the last six issues finally began to mesh together--just as every single critic has said about this series, it's always been destined to be a trade paperback, making this the chapter where all the character building begins to streamline all the narrative strands towards conclusion: this, as Shawn Carter might say, is where shit gets real.  Make no mistake though-it still includes a trip to go see the film Photo Copy 2 and follows the miscreant behavior of a walking techo-junk pile politician, helping maintain Omega the Unknown's unparalleled claim to being weirder and less mainstream than anything that Marvel, DC or, depressingly, even Vertigo is publishing.

Punisher War Journal # 18
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Howard Chaykin, Edgar Delgado & Jesus Aburto
Published by Marvel Comics

Did you know that, besides that old fogey Garth Ennis Punisher comic, the one where he looks like he's like 60, there's this totally extreme Punisher War To The Maximum Journal comic written by this dude Matt Fraction, this dude Fraction man he's like totally young and hip, I read some article where he has like a goatee, instead of being bald and stuff like that Bendis dude or that Morrison guy, he's totally young and hip and has a goatee man, I bet he really likes Benga and Burial and all that dubstep they wrote about in the new issue of XCLRTR, you know that dubstep stuff I'm talking about, that stuff is so fresh and bananas but yeah, he writes this Punisher Totally Dubstep comic and in it he's got this dude Jigsaw, remember Jigsaw yeah, weird how Punisher has villains but you know it's cool he kind of does, this guy Jigsaw talks all crazy and tortures this dude for a long time in this totally trendy Punisher v. The Mad Professor War Zoned comic book and sometimes his face is all cut up like Jigsaw and sometimes it's not, because Fraction is all crazy smart like that this comic book is so fucking trendy and cool and hip and dubstep and dope and rad and bananas and good crazy and what the eff and off the chain and off the charts and awesome and well illustrated by Howard Chaykin.  You should read it, hit your mom in the face with a bicycle chain and go watch Southland Tales, that's a surefire way to be on the cutting edge and what not.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Editorial Note for those who read this far-due to upcoming marital shenanigans, their will probably be a shortage of length to the posts over the month of April and first week of May.  Apologies.  Any imagined drop in quality of said posts will be completely in your mind.

Mini-Comics: Better Than Maxi-Comics?

Cold Heat Special # 1
Cold Heat Castle Castle
Cold Heat Special # 3
Frank Santoro, Jon Vermilyea, Dash Shaw

God, I could write that all day.  Cold Heat Special Cold Heat Castle Castle.  Cold are you I will Heat you up it will be Special.  Flows off the tongue, onto the keys, liquid, liquid style.  Do you smoke?  Enough?  Cold inside, you could use the Heat of a Special friend, Frank Santoro: he's gonna give it to you, like cocaine straight from Bolivia.

Santoro Claus knows you CAN'T WAIT until the 240 page epic/Tolkein-esque/Proust of the Cold Heat slab of reading drops:  Soon!  This Year!  So, teaming up with Dash Shaw, splitting bills with Jon Vermilyea, and the ever so gracious Picturebox--"What is it?  Four sheets of construction paper?  Stapled together?  For three dollars!  For you, Frankie, anything."

They must wear name tags at Picturebox.  They have too.  All the guys have the same haircut and glasses.  They may share pants.  We know.  WEVE BEEN THERE.  These copies came from them in a paper bag that Gary Panter had stamped himself.  They have nice haircuts.  But they are the SAME haircuts.  (We are getting that haircut)

Cold Heat Special # 1:  you are printed like a newspaper, you are Jon Vermilyea and you are about a girl/a woman/a young lady--you are about a Heroine, and she will fight these Monsters, and maybe she is fighting for us.  Maybe she is fighting for you, Proud American--and she "speaks in a voice that's halfway hopeful."  That's a reference, to a book, like a real one.  And it's an EASY one.

But naw, she's doing none of those.  She's just trying to make it to her home, to get noticed by her father, she's just trying to disconnect from the real world--her real world, full of what it is when you're that age--she's trying to etch out a her own little slipstream behind the trees so she can listen to some Chocolate Sun.

Cold Heat Castle Castle:  you are short, you are six pages, or eight, however you judge pages.  You are blue and you are pink--you are male and female?  You aren't talking much?  You are pure that way--pure, unadulterated comic/graphic literature/cartoons/ignition fluid, you are what people want minis to be--all het up, all junk-less, just straight out of brain on to the pages, stapled, and sold.  You go inside and it's her again--she's sultrier this time, she's closer to woman and further from the Special # 1 girl.  But she's still in love with the Chocolate Gun.  You're still you.  You are simple--but you are my favorite.

Cold Heat Special # 3:  You are long in width, you are Dash Shaw, you are a bus-ride, you are her, again, and this time she suffers.  This time we see you different, because you aren't the girl from the newspaper, you aren't the Bond Girl from Castle, you are suffering, and you are scared, and you are getting sick and you have to get off the bus.  And we love you for that?  No, we are disconnected at first.  At first we don't want to see this, and then when we see what's waiting for you--your imagination?  Your hallucination?  But your pain looks real, your pain looks awful, and we feel it, the guilt over not wanting to rip open the bus door for you, because we saw you and didn't care.  We waded through.  You lay there and suffer for us,  fuck that, you suffered for you and waited and no one came to your side and no one held your hand or brought you home you did it all alone.

We can wait for 240 pages of this.  We will be happy to.

-Tucker Stone, 2008