We have already demonstrated that we are not above jacking someone else’s structural conceit, so this week we’re taking a look at the songs in Idolator's Summer Jam Tournament. (Listen, we were thiiiis close to doing an all industrial noise Music of the Weak in honor of Tucker’s birthday. So behave yourselves.)
Brooks & Dunn – “Put a Girl in It”
Allow me to sum up: You can buy a car, buy a house, and make a lot of money. But until you put a girl in your car, in your house, and in your money—you don’t have nothin’. Shortly after the two minute mark, “Put a Girl in It” drops a little advice for the new-jacks—“You can write you a country song/ The DJ won’t put it on/ They won’t dance or sing along/ ‘Til you put a girl in it”—which makes this a little like Brooks & Dunn’s version of Letters to a Young Poet.
Alphabeat – “Fascination”
It bears repeating that “Fascination” is a bit like an indie-rock episode of Kids Incorporated. That being said, I think it may be growing on me. Ardor is difficult to resist, and “Fascination” is like a little puppy licking your face.
Kid Rock – “All Summer Long”
This is how they get you. What if I told you that you could listen to “Sweet Home Alabama,” “Werewolves of London,” and “Night Moves” at the same time AND set off all the little nostalgia triggers in your brain AND feel more acutely American than you’ve ever felt in your life? Is that something you would be interested in?
Tyga – “Coconut Juice”
Let’s see. In the video, the dude from Fall-Out Boy calls the cops on Tyga’s houseparty and says, “This is Encino, not Compton.” The cop is played by Lil’ Wayne—who doesn’t appear anywhere on the song. The hook is lifted from the Harry Nilsson song at the end of Reservoir Dogs. There are days when life doesn’t make any sense at all.
Hotstylz – “Lookin’ Boy (Feat. Yung Joc)”
Top 12 punchlines in “Lookin’ Boy”:
12. Your momma so slow she can’t cook Minute Rice lookin’ boy
11. Oh it’s the first of the month, Bone Thug lookin’ boy
10. Valtrex brand new day lookin’ boy
9. Jang-A-lang,
Jang-A-lang, Jang-A-lang, Bernie Mac lookin’ boy
8. Getchya No Mama! No Mama! Penny off good times big J.J. lookin’ boy
7. Diggin in your booty then smell it lookin’ boy
6. Spongebob on
your shirt lookin’ boy
5. This yo brain on drugs lookin’ boy
4. Women be
shoppin, women be shoppin, black Chris Rock lookin’ boy
3. No eyelids can’t blink lookin’ boy
2. Bang, bang, bang, skeet, skeet, lookin’ boy
1. Hot Stylz and Young Joc lookin’ boy
Annie – “I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me”
Yup. Still crap.
David Guetta – “Love Is Gone”
The problem with songs like this and “All Summer Long” is that there’s something inherently pleasurable in listening to them even though you know in your heart they’re absolutely awful. And then they go and stack the deck by having Grandma play the drums in the video. There is no doubt that this will be a monster hit.
Lele – “Breakfast”
The first legitimately genius song here.
Estelle – “American Boy”
Kanye refines the club-hop sound that came off a bit clumsy on Graduation, turning “American Boy” into the rare potential summer jam that could be ubiquitous and distinct.
Weezer – “Pork and Beans”
Alternately titled “1000 Obnoxious Pop-Culture References Per Minute,” “Pork and Beans” is Weezer’s bid for either relevancy or youth. The inclusion of this and “All Summer Long” and, say, “Put a Girl in It” makes Idolator’s Summer Jam Tournament a bit like a battle between legitimately bonkers songs (like “Breakfast”) and engeniously marketed ones. We admit it’s kinda pleasurable to see the entire history of viral video stars assembled together for some kind of batshit “We Are the World.” And it doesn’t hurt that “Pork and Beans” isn’t as horrible a song as it could be. But we will still feel a little dirty in the morning.
Duffy – “Mercy”
Like Amy Winehouse, but with the early 60’s soul subbed out for late-60’s Motown-influenced psych-pop, and the Dap-Kings subbed out for Ray Manzarek. In other words, not bad.
Lloyd – “Girls Around the World (Feat. Lil’ Wayne)”
Among these Idolator Summer Jam picks, there’s an overarching trend toward songs which rest heavily on a combination of elements from other, classic songs—“All Summer Long,” “Coconut Juice,” “Love Is Gone”—and that’s not even counting the songs that simply sound like other songs. Of all of these, “Girls Around the World” does its creative gaffling the best, appropriating a Slick Rick vocal sample and an Erik B. beat for a surprisingly inoffensive R&B jam.
Mariah Carey – “I’ll Be Lovin’ You Long Time”
Old school Mariah tricked out with some of-the-moment auto-tuner action. Probably pretty dope if this is your kind of thing.
Kardinal Offishall – “Dangerous (Feat. Akon)”
Homogenous club-friendly hip-hop/R&B with a stupid simple hook and a moderately ingratiating melody—just like every other song you’ll actually hear bumping out of car windows this summer. “Dangerous” could win Idolator’s Summer Jam tournament as a catch-all for all the actually popular jams they missed.
And now, in list form
Music of the Weak ranks Idolator’s Summer Jam picks from
best to worst:
1. Lele – “Breakfast”
2. Estelle – “American Boy”
3. Alphabeat – “Fascination”
4. Hotstylz – “Lookin’ Boy (Feat. Yung Joc)”
5. Mariah Carey – “I’ll Be Lovin’ You Long Time”
6. Lloyd – “Girls Around the World (Feat. Lil’ Wayne)”
7. Duffy – “Mercy”
8. Weezer – “Pork and Beans”
9. Kardinal Offishall – “Dangerous (Feat. Akon)”
10. David Guerra – “Love Is Gone”
11. Tyga – “Coconut Juice”
12. Kid Rock – “All Summer Long”
13. Brooks & Dunn – “Put a Girl In It”
14. Annie – “I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me”
-Martin Brown, 2008
For those of you playing along at home (are any of you playing along at home?), I did wonder when I was writing this why the tournament only had 14 entrants. It didn't; one just wasn't showing up in the search. It was Metro Station vs. Scooter.
Posted by: | 2008.06.11 at 20:38