When you get bit by a spider, you don't actually get super-human spider powers. In fact, what might actually happen is that the spider bites you enough times that it gets infected, and you and your husband have to stop hiking the Appalachian Trail around the time you make it to New York, which is also about four months after you started in Georgia. Then you have to go see a doctor, who will end up prescribing you a pretty extreme course of antibiotics, and an entire months supply of Vicodin and Tylenol 3, even though said doctor has never met you and you're asking for painkillers in a Brooklyn emergency room surrounded by drug-seeking junkies in desperate need of a fix. Then, if you're ready to add insult to injury you and your husband end up reading a couple of comics and being interviewed by the Factual Opinion.
This is Amy Lopp. Yesterday, her husband read Wolverine and talked to us about it. Today, she's here to talk about Hellblazer.
She's on a lot of drugs.
The Factual Opinion: Before we dive into anything, is this the first time you've read a comic book that featured a man having sex with a dead dog?
Amy Lopp: Yes. Yes!
TFO: First time for everything. Is this your first time with any pop-cultural artifact where someone had sex with a dead dog?
Lopp: Yes.
TFO: Why did you pick Hellblazer?
Lopp: I thought...I flipped open to a page and I saw a woman and thought there was going to be some romance, and also because the guy on the cover looked like Rod Stewart, a crazy Rod Stewart.
TFO: You took some time looking through the comics before you picked one--actually, I think you took more time than everybody else has taken. Is that because you were desperately trying to find something you might enjoy, or desperately trying to find something that you thought you might not hate?
Lopp: I was looking for something I thought I might enjoy. I also noticed when I was flipping through it that it said "Part 1 of 2" and I thought that would make it easy for me to understand, to follow the story.
TFO: What kind of experience do you have with comics?
Lopp: I probably read a few when I was younger. I remember I used to buy Betty and Veronica, Archie stuff.
TFO: So what did you think of John Constantine Hellblazer?
Lopp: I...fucking...HATED it.
Virgin Reader: What did she just say?
TFO: Please expand.
Lopp: It didn't make any sense...well, I guess I "got" that it was about a film crew, and I understood that they were going back to figure out about these murders, but it didn't...it was just ridiculous. Everything about it was just ridiculous. The film crew was so unprofessional--I thought they were a punk band, because of the way they're drawn, and the way they were dressed. There's a guy, I guess, getting cut by something, and there's something stuck under his arm...and I was just....I mean: It was the worst story ever. [Laugh] And the artwork is Terrible! I thought there was going to be something cool about it, something--but it has no redeeming qualities!
TFO: What did you think about the fact that the main character doesn't show up until the end of the comic?
Lopp: I guess it just contributes to the confusion. I don't get whether he's a bad guy, or a murderer--which is kind of how they were acting--it's like the Blair Witch Project or...I don't know. I hated it. I hated it.
TFO: Was there anything in there that made you want to know more about Hellblazer? Anything about the confusion that made you want to look it up online? Or was it just "if this is what you have to offer me, I don't give a shit about the other 200 issues have."
Lopp: I wouldn't say that something in it compels me to know more. I'd be interested to know if other people enjoy this crap. I find it really interesting that there's more issues than this, that this has actually been successful.
TFO: Nina, as a fellow one-time reader of Hellblazer, do you have anything you'd like to ask?
Virgin Reader: I didn't read any.
TFO: Yes, you read the one about the Vatican, where they had a room to have sex in.
Virgin Reader: That was an okay one, right? I kind of liked it. It's kind of dark.
TFO: Do you want to share with Amy Lopp some female feelings about Hellblazer?
Virgin Reader: You're going to get shit for saying "female feelings" again. What did you think of the way Constantine was drawn? Did you think he looked like a nice guy or a crazy guy?
Lopp: He looks kind of crazy, yeah. I thought he looked kind of cool. But he's only on the front and the last page. But I thought he was drawn well--this is the one that I thought looked like morbid Doonesbury.
Virgin Reader: It's not even about him this time?
Lopp: No, it's about these kids. Well, not kids. Look at that. It reminds me of that old woman in There's Something About Mary, just old and disgusting.
Virgin Reader: Not sexy.
Lopp: In some scenes she looks really pretty, other times she looks like a puppet. If it could've just picked up on one thing, like the guys hand, the bugs attacking the girl, and expanded on those. The other thing that drove me crazy was that they took those damn mushrooms. Everybody knows that hallucinogenic mushrooms don't grow at abandoned warehouses. They grow in cow pastures! That doesn't happen! Poisonous mushrooms grow at abandoned warehouses.
Virgin Reader: Is the whole thing a fever dream?
Lopp: They take these mushrooms, the guy has sex with a dead dog and thinks it's the girl, the girl wanders around talks to...I guess it's a ghost.
Virgin Reader: What does Constantine do at the end?
Lopp: This is the only part you see him. He didn't do anything. I don't know. I didn't understand it.
TFO: Do you think it's possible that one more issue of this length can answer all your unanswered questions?
Lopp: Not if it's written like this one is. I think they could clear up these things if it was written in a way that made sense.
Virgin Reader: Here's a question--would you postpone going back to the Appalachian Trail by two more days to wait for the next issue?
Lopp: Hell No. I think the future for me and Hellblazer is...I think I'd probably Google Hellblazer to find out who he is--is he a super-hero? A murderer? Why does anyone care about the leader of this punk band that never did anything? What makes him cool? I would be interested in knowing what makes him cool.
TFO: Would you be interested in watching a movie based on this character starring Keanu Reeves?
Lopp: [Explosive Laughter] NO!
TFO: It is available. It came out a few years ago.
Lopp: Really?! The key word there being "Starring Keanu Reeves." You pretty much could've said any other actor and I would've said, "Yes, I'm interested."
Virgin Reader: Which is better? Nana or Hellblazer?
Lopp: Nana.
TFO: In one sentence, what would you say makes Nana volume 1 better than Hellblazer?
Lopp: It makes sense.
TFO: How do you want to close this out?
Lopp: This is the worst thing I've ever read.
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