The Factual Opinion

Stunt Casting: A Single Mom, A Copy Of Detective Comics, A Guest Interviewer

Sharon Miller answers the questions.  Nina Stone, The Virgin Reader, asks them.  TFO stayed in the room to give background.  The location?  Delaware.  The time?  Late.  The Comic?  Detective Comics # 847.

The Virgin Reader:  Have you ever read a comic book before?

Sharon Miller:  No.

TVR:  This is your first ever?

Miller:  I think so.  I'm pretty sure.  Well, does Mad magazine count?

TVR:  They sell it at comic book stores.  But it doesn't count.  Why did you pick this comic?

Miller:  Because I've heard of Batman, back in the 60's when it was on television.  I've heard that it's "different" then that.  I thought I'd like to read this and figure it out.

TVR:  Is it true that your father used to tell you that he went to school with Batman?

Miller:  That's right!  I totally forgot about that!  Yes, yes that is true.

TVR:  Do you think he really did?

Miller:  No.  No, I don't think so.

TVR:  Did you like this?

Miller:  Yeah.  Well, I'm confused about a thing that happened at the beginning.  There's like three or four things going on in here, right?  But...what I'm confused about is...well.

TVR:  Well, are you confused about something with the art?  The writing?

Miller:  Well, I guess because I'm not familiar with it, I had to read the first two pages three times because--I thought that [character] was Batman, but...well, it is, I think.  I couldn't really tell what was going on here at the beginning.  I read it three times.

TVR:  Are you still confused?

Miller:  What I'm confused about is that it looks like--this guy, who I think is "Hush", who also used to be this kid...I think?

TVR:  According to our fact-checker, yes.

Miller:  Well, it looks like Hush shot Batman.  And it looks like Batman is lying around in a pool of blood, and they are going to take him away and take his organs out.  I can't figure out who that out--is this guy Batman?

TVR:  I don't know.  That doesn't look like Batman.

The Factual Intern:  You know who that is.

TVR:  Nightwing?  The Virgin Read, speaking to the new comic reader:  Nightwing is kind of the Batman rip-off, but no one ever comes out and says it.  He hang-glides and he lives somewhere in a similar city.  The storylines don't usually cross, but I guess they are kind of crossing this time?

Miller:  Well, it looks like Nightwing and Robin came and saved Batman.  Is that Batman?  But here, they are dragging Batman away.  Then here, these two dudes, Robin and Nightwing come in--but then Batman is up?

The Intern:  There's a jump that you've missed here, which is not your fault.  This whole sequence, with Robin, Nightwing and Batman, is a bank robbery.  The story just jumps to a different location.  That picture is Batman.  This other guy, the dead guy Hush shot?  That's not Batman.  The Hush character dresses up crazy people, these crazy people in the hospital, he dresses them up like Batman and then kills them.  Because he's weird.  There's a small text box...where they point it out.  The only specific statement about that is that portion.

Miller:  "There's a lot to be said for the blind obedience of one's staff."

The Intern:  He pulls up the mask, and it isn't Bruce Wayne.

Miller:  So.  That would be really confusing to me.  Was really confusing, I guess.  Having never read this, or any comic before, I would've never figured that out.  I thought Hush shot Batman!  That took me ten minutes!  It took me a while to figure out this text, what it means.  [Sharon is referring to the "thought balloon" portions of text]  That Hush threw something to cut the guys face, and then Hush says "Here Bruce."  So I figured that was Batman.  Because he's Bruce, Bruce Wayne.  Then Hush shoots him, and he's dead, or dying.  Then I completely understood the backstory.  I don't understand why this Hush kid was a little crazy.  Why did he decide that [his father's death] was Bruce's fault?  That kind of surprised me.

The Intern:  The reason he thinks it's Bruce's fault is that Hush set up his parents to die so he could have all their money.  But Bruce's dad, who was a doctor, saved his mother's life.  So Hush was stuck with his mother.

TVR:  Her face is creepy.

The Intern:  She was in an accident.

TVR:  But still?

Miller:  So he blamed Bruce?

TVR:  Or did he blame Bruce's dad?

Miller:  Well, hey, if you're going to set up your parents to die, then you're just a little...

TVR:  Crazy anyway.

Miller:  Yes, right.  Well, I got that backstory pretty much.  I didn't know that--that a mugger killed Batman's parents.

The Intern:  You didn't know that his parents were murdered?

Miller:  No.  I didn't know anything about Batman.  I know that..basically, all that "Holy whatever Batman."  Biff, pow.  Batman was fun.  I thought I got this, but...so they are at a bank robbery?  Weird.

TVR:  Did you like the art?  Did you find it clear?

Miller:  Well, yeah.  I was confused about these characters, because I don't know them.  Other than my confusion--is this Catwoman?

The Intern:  Yes.

Miller:  This part, "That goes double for the alley cat."  I figured, "alley cat", "Catwoman,"  she used to be in love with Batman....and this?  "Mentor and pupil?"  Who's that? 

TVR:  Would you say you enjoyed reading the comic?

Miller:  ....

TVR:  You don't have to say yes.

Miller:  Oh. I could get into some of the storylines.

TVR:  Would you read a comic book again?

Miller:  Yes, I would read it, if it were around.  I don't think I'm going to make a point to go out and buy it.  I don't have the time.  It's not like I have spare time.  I can't read the things I'm supposed to read.

TVR:  Will you encourage your daughter to read comic books?

Miller:  ....No.

TVR:  Be honest.

Miller:  Well, they're too violent for a four year old.

TVR:  What age are they appropriate for?

Miller:  Let me think.  Based on something I learned about developmental stages last year, probably when they were 12 or 13, when they can really separate reality from fantasy.  When they have a clear definition of fantasy and reality.

TVR:  Do you remember what age it was?

Miller:  I think it's in the teens.  I don't know, maybe it's 11 or 10.  I can't really remember.

TVR:  So at least 10 or 11.  I'm going to jump back to another question.  What prior experience have you had with super-heroes?

Miller:  I watched Batman when he was on TV.  I watched Aquaman.  Does he still exist?

TVR:  I ask that all the time.

Miller:  "Aquaman, Aquaman!"

TVR:  No, that's the Spider-man song.

Miller:  Spider-man!  I also saw one of the movies, about five years ago.  The basic guys.  Superman, Spider-Man, Aquaman.  Speed Racer.

TVR:  Is he a super-hero?

The Intern:  No, he's just a Japanese dude who drives really fast.

Miller:  He's Japanese?

The Intern:  Maybe he's not, I don't know.  His name is "Speed Racer."

TVR:  Would you consider this comic book experience better or worse then your other experiences with super-heroes?

Miller:  It's interesting.  I've heard, maybe in the last five, six years that I was getting a sense that there was more to these characters then what I knew.  I thought that would be interesting to know that--but like I said, given my time limits, it's not like I can go out.

TVR:  On the scale of one to ten, how would you rate this comic book?

Miller:  I have nothing to compare it to.  Ten being...putt putt?

TVR:  Yes, ten being putt putt, one being punched in the face.

Miller:  Five.

TVR:  If this comic book were a snack food, what snack food would it be?

Miller:  I'm not a quick thinker!  I'll think about that question for three days!  I'll be calling you up and saying "I've decided what snack food Batman is."

TVR:  Bring up five that come to your mind right now?

Miller:  FIVE!?  Pretzels.

TVR:  Because of the twists?

Miller:  How clever are you.  You're so clever.  I was going to say Cheez-its for some reason.  I had a visual of Cheez-its.  I don't know why though.

TVR:  Maybe you used to eat Cheez-its when you watched Batman.

Miller:  They didn't even make Cheez-its when I watched Batman.  We're talking forty years ago.  I don't think they were around.  Doritos weren't around.

TVR:  I think I've asked all the questions.

Miller:  I would read the next one, to find out what happens to the little guy.  The one who's taken away by the straw man.  Wait--the Scarecrow?

TVR:  The Tin Man!

Miller:  He's covered in straw!  All the straw!

TVR:  Any final thoughts?

Miller:  I would read the next one to find out what happens with psycho Hush.

Nina Stone, Sharon Miller, 2008

Music of the Weak: The Fact That This Album Is Free Almost Makes Up For the Fact That I Dropped $16 On I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead

El-P – WeAreAllGoingToBurnInHellMegamix2

Q:  How many El-P's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  The world is fucked.

Good ol’ El-P—such a serious artiste, you want to pinch his little cheeks.  While clearly the greatest rap music innovator of the last decade (Andre 3000 might run a close second), he often seems pinned down by the weight of his own ideas.  His songs are like water balloons filled with gasoline—hilarious weapons hatched by a diabolical mind, ready to burst and ignite, but only under the perfectest circumstances.  He has a sense of humor like the popular kid at the back of the classroom that thinks of himself as an outcast. Even his punchlines sound wounded.  He usually tries to do everything all at once, which yields the occasional masterpiece like “Stepfather Factory,” but usually results in high-concept, high-aesthetic music, lacking the directness and listenability that would do justice to his ideas.

WeAreAllGoingToBurnInHellMegamix2, El-P’s free mixtape available on the Def Jux website (described by Aesop Rock as “Over 90 minutes of sad, sad music scraped up inside El-P’s black heart,”) liberates him from the need to make a, you know, statement.  As a result, he turns in what may be his most consistent album*—if not his out-and-out best.  Opener “Hoobity Blah” has just about everything you would expect from a great El-P track—big, dumb guitars; abrasiveness; a direct and aggressive flow—plus that little bit of self-awareness hinted at in the title.  Self-awareness is a bit of a tricky issue for El-P, because it usually goes down with a heaping spoonful of pretense.  But, since this is a cast-off album, that aspect of his humor gets neatly subdued.

There are even two potential singles!  “Krazy Kings 3” sets a classic rap conceit—a series of “This is for…” shout-outs—over a squelchy bed of electric machinations.  El-P’s lyricism is 100% on point, detailing ugly scenes with a signature smirk, especially when he describes “A thought so beautiful I want to put my cock in it.”  “Mike Douglas,” while not flashy, could be a crossover hit on a proper album.

The old, overly-complicated El-P does make an appearance with “Fuck the Law,” which starts out with an “Iron Man” drum-beat and a fantastic horror sample saying, “Take him to the darkest dungeon, introduce him to the rack, feed him up on bread and water, watch his nerves begin to crack [scream & cackle]” before bursting into another sample of Bun B from Dizzee Rascal’s “Where Da G’s” that doesn’t quite fit onto the beat.  It would be so awesome if it worked—El-P’s rap is lean and effective, and each individual part is genius, but they don’t all fit together.

Otherwise, the instrumentals consistently compel—which makes sense, since it’s a free album of presumably in-progress material.  “45 Caliber Blues” and “Dirtier Than Thou” merge El-P’s production style with sounds more associated with former labelmate Rjd2.  “45 Caliber Blues” pits an extended Moby-style gospel sample over a spare guitar loop and just enough of a beat to make it hip-hop, recalling both Rjd2’s “Smoke & Mirrors” and El-P’s own “When the Moon was Blue.”  “Dirtier Than Thou” accents its elctro-industrial beats with a vocal sample screaming, “Oh God!”—recalling Rjd2’s “The Horror.”

WeAreAllGoingToBurnInHellMegamix2 would have benefited greatly from more actual rapping (“Dirtier Than Thou,” for example, could have easily supported a verse or two), but even as an odds n’ sods type album, it has an incredible cohesiveness.  It may be that El-P is finding the virtue in simplicity.  It’s enough to hope that these tracks become the springboard for a future album—and that he doesn’t end up combining them all into one song.

*Not counting the jazz album he put out in early 2004.  Apparently people are still pissed about that one, but it wasn’t bad.

-Martin Brown, 2008

The Virgin Read: The First Time She's Been Asked "Look, Are You Sure?"

Final Crisis # 3
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by J.G. Jones
Published by DC Comics

Hello friends.  It's a new day here with the Virgin Read.  Why is that?  Well, we've got something happening here for the first time that has never happened before--and it's not about Sadie Hawkins this time.

This week, I delved into Final Crisis.  I figured--why not?  I found the Black Panther/Secret Invasion crossover enjoyable last week, and I wondered if Final Crisis might just be the same sort of romp through the DC side of things.  And, you know, Grant Morrison has his name on it.  People love this Grant.

Here's the thing folks:  I just got to page fifteen--that's fifteen out of thirty pages--and I've had to read seven storylines, and I was about to turn to page eight.

You know what?

I don't care to go on. 

That's right, I'm not finishing this comic book.  Halfway in, seven storylines already in motion from previous issues, more that I'm supposed to keep track on--there isn't even an attempt to speak to a new comic book reader.  Oh no!  This Final Crisis is elitist!  And...I'm offended!

I realize that this sort of staging of large crisis thing gets the entire DC Universe involved, and it's designed to increase sales.  It's supposed to have all sorts of spin-off stories and storylines.  I "get" it.  Hey, I hated Secret Invasion the first time I read it, but I gave it another chance with one of it's spin-off stories and totally enjoyed myself.  I'd only read the first issue of Secret Invasion--so sure, that was a little weird for me.  But this is well into Final Crisis now, isn't it?  Why is it necessary to have so many storylines IN ONE BOOK?  I thought the whole POINT was to have several other comic books for people to buy.

Oh, and if this is supposed to increase and widen their audience, then give us a chance for Pete's sake.  Half dead German speaking superheroes?  Three Shazams?  (Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know he's NOT Shazam.  He's the Flash.  But he looks just like Shazam (okay, whatever, "Captain Marvel) from the CBS Saturday morning show on back in the 70's:

Remember?  "ShaZAM!!!"  Oh, or "ooooh Mighty Isis-Isis-Isis-Isis-Isis..."

Loved that head piece.  Still do.  Can I sport it, ya think?

Seriously.  THIS is who I am.  This 1970's superhero television show is my frame of reference.  You don't want to clue me onto your story any better?  You don't even want to give me a recap at the beginning of your comic?  Well, then I'm not going to hang on and finish reading your G.D. comic book, just to be fair.  Because you not what?  It's not fair.

With so much to try and keep up with and figure out (as cool as the art seemed on the first page, with panels that are making up one whole picture, I was still totally confused as to who was where and what was happening), when I storyline came along that I just might understand, that I maybe could get invested in--Clark Kent at Lois Lane's bedside, unable to leave and be Superman--I just didn't care anymore.  Instead, I felt quite resentful.  Maybe even angry.  Here I am, trying to follow this, trying to get into your world, and you aren't even trying to come into mine--the world of the new comic book reader.

So, although I don't usually do this--in fact, I've never done this--I have an official ruling for this issue of Final Crisis--if not all of Final Crisis.  And that ruling?  It loses.  It's "guilty."  Guilty of being a book for a select group of people who know a lot about comic books and all their little devices (alternate universes, multiple versions of the same hero, so on, etc.) that a new reader doesn't know, or can't understand at first.  It not only isn't appealing to a new reader, but even succeeded in repelling one.

-Nina Stone, 2008

Comics Of The Weak: Eat Your Fucking Heart Out

Criminal # 4
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Sean Phillips
Published by Icon/Marvel Comics

Well, Criminal has no potential to lose readers anytime soon, it seems.  Another chapter in Ed Brubaker's wily revamp of the traditional crime story archetype, this one being the loser who gets one great night of sex with the beautiful stranger only to sow the seed of future tribulation, another top-notch delivery of impeccable detailed Sean Phillips art, and Criminal continues to be way better than the majority of the stuff it has to share space with.  We bought our copy at a store that also sells four feet tall Scarface dolls that talk.  What embarrassing piece of cultural waste will you have to ignore to pick up yours?  Oh, wait, maybe you're that swarthy tub of guts who buys that namby pamby shit.  (You're not, he doesn't read reviews of comics like Criminal.  He's strictly Supergirl and JSA.  I asked him specifically for the purpose of this sentence.)

Special Forces # 3
By Kyle Baker
Published by Image Comics

Make sure you save the last page of Special Forces for after you've finished the comic itself, so that you can answer the question of "Why is Kyle Baker including these gross and weird looking children in this comic" the same why your intrepid Factual team did: by looking at what has to be the most cynical thing published in a comic this year, getting a little bit sick, and then realizing that if he hadn't put those black and white pictures in the book, you wouldn't have ever known that was going on--because that's the kind of shit that no Western news outlet has the cajones to show you.  Is Special Forces exploitative?  It sure is.  Is it worth looking at, because it's completely unwilling to temper any of it's anger into something that might be a little more entertaining or attractive?  Goddamn right.

Chas: The Knowledge
Written by Simon Oliver
Art by Goran Sudzuka & Matt Hollingsworth
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Simon Oliver probably has some more cleverness coming in this, the oddest mainstream mini-series so far this year, he is, after all, the writer of the only Vertigo comic to be fast-tracked into television production.  (Something tells me a television show beats a hardcover Absolute Sandman, "Neil Gaiman.")  For now though, Chas is appealing solely for the fan-service:  namely, that if you're the type of person whose read a lot of Hellblazer, you know how completely terrible and totally horrible Chas' wife is.  She's never been presented as anything resembling a complex woman--she's just fucking awful, all the time.  Appearance after appearance, she's strained the fabric of the mild believability of Hellblazer in that it's impossible to believe that someone could be so preternaturally mean to somebody and never end up shot, stabbed, thrown off a cliff, or at least revealed at some point to be possessed by a demon.  Yet, after decades of comics, she continues to be there.  Hateful, all the time.  For no good fucking reason whatsoever!  Just mean!  Now, Simon Oliver is finally giving us what we want:  no, she isn't dying or anything, she's not going to end up on a list somewhere, no, way more simple.  Chas is going to cheat on her.  Hopefully!

Robin # 176
Written by Fabian Nicieza
Art by Joe Bennett, Jack Jadson & Guy Major
Published by DC Comics

It's creepy enough that comics like Batman and Wolverine are produced pretty much so that grown-ass adults (usually white dudes) can buy them, somehow, it's almost creepier that Robin is produced for the same group.  Everybody who defends garbage like this is always quick to trot out some anecdotal bullshit about how there's a bunch of high schoolers picking up the latest issue of Teen Titans and Runaways, which is one of those warm little fucking lies that gets traded like so many stories about getting Jeph Loeb to sign your girlfriends tits at a Ryan's Steakhouse--at this point, Robin would be preferable if it would either just turn into a full-out yaoi comic where Tim Drake spends all his time fantasizing about having sex with Dick Grayson, or somebody like The Penguin kidnapped the Spoiler and told Tim the only way out was for him to wrap his whining lips around Oswald Cobblepot's stumpy member.  This comic has no balls, and it's completely unappealing.  On top of that, we couldn't convince someone to do a Stunt Casting on it because they opened it to the first double page spread and said "Jesus, that's gross."

Crossed # 0
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Jacen Burrows & Greg Wallers
Published by Avatar

Are there too many post-apocalyptic comics that aren't as good as Drifting Classroom?  Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows say "no" and Avatar responds with a publishing deal.  While Ennis has certainly earned the right of wait-and-see, and maybe this won't be repititive and pointless, Crossed # 0 is pretty much another "didn't I see this before?  Like 800 fucking times?" comics.  It's zombies, or crazy-religious-nutjob-disease-cases who act like zombies, and the narration implies that the story to come takes place, you know, after the world gets all Walking Dead.  While Crossed # 0 is one of those "hey, it costs a fucking buck, what do you want?  A blow job?" type comics, this is one story that you've probably gotten a little bit sick of.  Oh, and Jacen Burrows still draws...you know, that way he draws.

Ultimate Origins # 3
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Butch Guice & Justin Ponsor
Published by Marvel Comics

A more honest title might be "Ultimately Needless Attempts To Make The Ultimate Line Of Comics More Convoluted Then They Really Need To Be, Since It Isn't Like Bendis Has Any Ambition To Write Every Comic In The Line," but Ultimate Origins is a bit catchier.  Some people like to read into this that it's changing the scope of what the Ultimate universe is really all about, and they seem to think that's a good thing, which is sort of hilarious:  after all, wasn't the whole point for these Ultimate things to appeal to people who had gotten sick of all the bullshit confusions of reading the regular titles?  All that aside, it is sort of fascinating to check in on something like this--the high tide of a comic imprint that's headed towards the sort of dreg bottom feeding land currently lived in by the Wildstorm universe.  It's like watching a bullet reach the point where it turns back towards Earth to find a little kids head. 

Punisher War Journal # 22
Written by Matt Fraction & Rick Remender
Art by Howard Chaykin, Edgar Delgado & Jesus Aburto
Published by Marvel Comics

While people with some taste like to come after Howard Chaykin and point out the somewhat indefensible argument that he draws people like they just walked off the set of The Legend of Bagger Vance, a movie that's probably the best argument for Robert Redford being put to sleep like a Golden Retriever that's been hit by a minivan, the biggest problem with this comic can be squarely chucked onto the shoulders of Indy Rock Superstar Matt Fraction and Mr. Irony Comes Home Rick Remender.  If you can make it through the six pages where an overweight African American version of Pac-Man tells Frank Castle "what's wrong with him" and get anything out of it other than the sinking realization that neither of these writers like writing about the main character, then you're probably on a shit load of Vicodin and wondering why your daughter is crying.

Secret Invasion: Front Line # 2
Written by Brian Reed
Art by Marco Castiello, Barbara Ciardo & Amerigo Pinelli
Published by Marvel Comics

There's a lot of great things that we should all strive to remember about Secret Invasion: Front Line--actually, theres' only one, and that is that it seems really unlikely that there will be too many more comics featuring art by a "Team Coordinator" whose job seems to be making sure that everybody at GG Studios is producing some of the most lifeless work available outside of when Alex Ross decides it's time to just publish comics that feature the actual polariods of models standing on washing machines he usually traces from.  Even then, that will probably be more valuable to spend time with then this, one of the most obnoxious of comics in the Marvel line.  Usually, there's some kind of outrage when a female is killed for the sole purpose of amping up the emotional state of the protagonist--we imagine the reason this dead nurse is being ignored is because anyone who read this piece of shit probably thought something along the lines of "Jesus, she's better off than having to hang around that creepy reporter anymore."

The Boys # 21
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Darick Robertson & Tony Avina
Published by Dynamite Entertainment

The best thing about this issue of The Boys is the way the entire idea of this series is defined by the cover--there, you find a little boy, his gap-toothed smiling mouth hanging agape as the Superman-stand in comes to save him and the rest of the unlucky passengers in a flight on the way to infamy and death on the morning of September 11th.  Of course, when you get to that point in the comic--the point where you read the boy saying "It's okay!  We're gonna be okay!"--well, there it goes all out the window.  That's the last thing you see of that kid, as a dumb motherfucking superhero opens the plane and the little boy goes flying out into the air, and he gets to think about what a miserable failure life can be when you place your faith in the idea that life is fair, that somebody is coming to save you, and that you can count on hope alone.  That kid--he's the lucky version of us.  He's the guy who still treats spandex monthlies like they have a correlation to the real world, who still fantasizes that someday the real world will get fixed, in all it's death and complexity, by a hero with magic powers.  He's a grown adult still believing that there will come a politician who has the motives and honor of a Clark Kent, that someday we'll have a war played out like an old GI Joe cartoon where a little girl never catches an misfired artillery shell in the back of her skull on the way to a poorly funded school and everybody ejects before an explosion.  For all the flaws inherent in something like The Boys--that it's so over-the-top that it can just be heavy-handed, that it traces the similar plot devices of many of Garth Ennis' comics, or that it's humor works best among those who have a long relationship with god-awful super-hero comics--it's still going to have it's moments where it turns out pure gold.  This time, it was when comics fandom and overgrown children got sucked out of a plane and fell to their dead.

-This is dedicated to Sze Chan, a talented and sweet young woman who deserved a hell of a lot more than what she got, her family and friends, who deserved a hell of a lot more time, and for what it's worth--which is little--I wish there was something more I could've done.  Tucker Stone, 2008

Economist Vs. Idiot: The Unstoppable Force of Buttermilk Dreams--Get This Inside Your Brainpassage

The World Last Week

-Surprise!  Zimbabwean talks ended, nothing changed, Mugabe last seen eating human flesh outside local Denny's.

-Obama didn't get a boost in his numbers by going on a world tour, but I'd argue that maybe that wasn't the goal.  Oh, who am I kidding.  Of course it was.  Whoops!

-Turkey didn't ban the Justice and Development Party.  Do you know what this means?  I do!  But I probably won't remember.

-10,000 people showed up to protest the arrest of Radovan Karadzic, which is sort of disgusting.  Then again, it turned into a mild riot, and some people got the sorely deserved shitkicking they deserve.  I'm all for freedom of speech, right to congregate, the whole nine yards.  I'm also totally in support of beating the unholy hell out of whatever type of asshole wants to protest in support of a genocidal maniac.

-Ecuador is officially kicking the United States out of their country--no more anti-drug flights will be taking off or landing at their airports, making Ecuador another in the line of countries that is starting to realize that the war on drugs is a big fucking joke.

-The Vatican is letting a bishop resign to focus on the job of being Paraguay's president, which is sort of a change, considering what a bang-up job Catholics did for helping out South America during that previous time period starting about 60 years ago and lasting until this past July.  Liberation Theology might have used your support back when they were stringing up every Christian they could find.  Thanks though!

-Siemens now leads the world in impressive corporate maneuvers, as they are suing 11 members of their executive board for breaching their responsibilities.  I don't recall the last time something this saucy went down. 

Leaders

-Did you know that the Economist compared the Communist Chinese government to the Nazi's back when the IOC was figuring out who should get the Olympics?  Yeah, neither did I.  Well, they did, they aren't sorry, and here's an article about why our British reporters think that the Olympics have brought nothing but bad news to the Chinese.  Now here's an article about how the Chinese is sponsoring a group of government-organized vigilantes, and they wear t-shirts with the slogan "Good luck Beijing" as they wander around meting out Communist street justice.  (That's a good name for a band, Communist Street Justice.)  The vigilante article also deals a little with all the various websites international journalists won't be able to access, along with three that China will get to play with once again: the BBC, Wikipedia and Playboy.  Playboy has a website? 

-Here's the scoop on the Freddie Maac and Frannie Mae bailout, which can serve as the future model for when you want to complain about repulsive government corporate decisions.  While I pretty much agree that something had to be done for Freddie & Fannie, I doubt anybody could convince me they should get money with no strings attached, no consequences for shareholders, and their vast lobbying firm still intact.

-One of the odd little stances that the Economist has always had (or at least as long as I've been reading it) is that they see no moral or intellectual problem with steroid use in sport.  They just flat out don't care.  As far as their argument goes, gene therapy, blood doping and old school beef injections aren't going away so hey, why not embrace bacne and shrunken genitals?  The way they put it makes sense, I guess, but it just smacks as being a bit naive.

Letters

-You know how David Denby and other non-Dark Knight loving critics got all kinds of wacko death threats and infantile insults hurled at them for not liking Christopher Nolan's super-hero flick?  Well, if the Economist was a movie critic, then being nice about EU enlargement is their Dark Knight smackdown, and Achal Prakash is a whiny motherfucker who needs to relax and go watch a Braves game.

United States

-Hey, it's focus on swing state time!  This time up is Ohio, one of those random states that, through no fault of anyone's but God, happens to be split down the middle into almost even amounts of Democrats and Republicans.  Why can't more places be like New York and Georgia?  Reliably locked into one party, regardless of politic, reason or value?  It's almost like what people in Ohio think matters.  Disgusting!

-Maybe someday people will realize that it was a lowly county inspector name Bill Bobbitt saved the life of their children, or even their own, when he decided to combat the growing problem of West Nile virus-carrying mosquitoes in empty California pools.  Unlikely. He doesn't seem to be doing it for he acclaim.  Did you know their was a growing West Nile problem in Cali?  If you didn't, it might be because of this dude, and his magic fish.

-I'd have to second the Economist's description of Mount Rushmore as "absurd."  I wish they'd give me the name of the writer who described it as "incongruous and ridiculous as keeping a cow in the rotunda of the capitol building."  Anyway, it was built on the stolen land of some American Indians.  Doesn't that just kind of mean everywhere?

-Lexington gives the political obituary of Senator Ted Stevens career, which has finally come to the sort of miserable ending it probably should have hit years ago.  Just to make sure that nobody gets too excited though, Charlemagne ends his column by pointing out that Ted Stevens has been replaced as chairman of the Appropriations Committee by Robert Byrd, a 90-year-old Democrat from West Virginia.  Now, I don't want to make anybody think I'm an ageist or anything, but let me be blunt:  if the best possible candidate for the Senate in West Virginia is really someone who is NINETY FUCKING YEARS OLD, then I'm going to shove my nutsack in one of those blenders that can destroy an iPhone.  My dad just bought one, and I've got plenty of free time.

The Americas

-Raul Castro has decided that he's not going to make any more grand pronouncements of change in Cuba, and The Economist seems (if I'm reading between the lines correctly) to think that's a bad thing.  I've got no more faith in Raul Castro then the next guy, but his claim that change will have to wait, as "We cannot spend more than what we have" sounds, I don't know, exactly like what one would want a leader of a poor country ridden with corruption to say.  It's certainly preferable to a straight up lie.

-Tasers don't kill people, heart conditions and drug and alcohol abuse do.  If tasers happen to be used on drunks or junkies and they die, that's totally on them.  Wait, really?  At least Canada is thinking about figuring this out before they hand out more stun-guns.

Asia

-Are some of India's Muslims finally starting to form official jihad based terrorist organizations, or is the Indian Mujahideen a front for another group based out of Pakistan?  The Economist, and the Indian government are both cautious in their assessments.  Either way, the violence and terrorism that have started showing up in recent weeks (19 bomb blasts on July 26th alone, killing 51) is fearsome stuff--maybe even more so because of the lack of direct evidence proving the existence of the aforementioned group that took credit.

-President Lee Myung-Bak, who was able to fight off 84% of public opinion, the majority of his cabinet, all for the sake of American beef, has now turned his sights on the journalists and trade-unions.  He want to make it illegal to "post disinformation" on the internet.  I'll join in on the fun.  President Lee Myung-Bak killed Nicole Brown Simpson.  There you go.

-Take note:  Afghan soldiers are rapidly becoming badasses, and the men who train them are proud to pat them on the head and give them some more money to have cool shit to kill other people with.  I realize that's supposed to be good news, but don't we remember what happened the last time another country got involved in Afghanistan and spent a bunch of time and money making sure they were on the cutting edge of killing people?  You know, that shit from a few years ago.

Middle East and Africa

-You know, there's a type of bottled water you can buy that's called "Tap'd NY" which is prominently labeled as "Purified New York City Tap Water."  Really, and it costs as much as Smartwater.  Did you know that?  Isn't that kind of weird?  I bought some.  Oh, Ehud Olmert, prime minister of Israel has officially announced he's stepping down, because he's a bribe-taking thief.

-Well, here's a story that doesn't  bode well for the near future of peace negotiations--Palestinians are killing other Palestinians.  It's Fatah versus Hamas, in one of those fights that means a shitload to them and yet causes the rest of the world to kind of drop their jaw and go "b-b-but...hey.  wait-no...look, just stop it!  Stop doing that!"  Look, I want to take what goes on in that area of the world seriously as much as the next whining American with no real stake other than concern for common humanity, but god damn, sometimes it just makes you fucking tired, you know?  Who wins in a fight between Hamas and Fatah? 

-You know, as much as American fraternities and weird British orgy clubs get shit for being havens of binge drinking and date rape, at least they don't call themselves "Campus Cults" and turn into roving death squads that kill professors and kidnap the family members of school officials.  So they can get good grades.  This is in Nigeria, and I'm totally being fucking serious.

Europe

-The only major water shortage I've ever been through is the annual ones where you get fined for watering your lawn more than twice a week, so I can't imagine what it would be like to live in Nicosia (in Cyprus) right now--you're permitted to have your tap on for a total of six hours over the course of two days.  That's it.  Well, at least Cyprus is a totally stable place to live besides...oh, what's that?  Still divided into Turkish and Greek controlled areas, with the threat of violence constantly overhead?  Shucks.

-Man, the EU really needs to figure out their divorce law weirdness.  Either that or start a crappy tv show with Susan Dey.  If it gets picked up, they can always replace her with Annie Potts.

-Did you know the Romanian language doesn't have a precise word for "accountability?"  Not a joke, it totally doesn't.  The Economist, oh ye kings of dry wit ye, propose that might be why Daniel Morar, otherwise known as the toughest anti-corruption crusader in Romanian history, is going to be replaced by somebody with a softer touch.  Something in the teddy bear, human infant department.

Britain

-In the What The Fuck Just Happened Department, here's a first in a long...ok, to be totally honest, a first time for me completely.  Maybe the Economist has done one of these weird fake anecdote stories about a politician before, but I've never seen one.  I've seen them in Harper's and the New Yorker--you know, those kind of things where somebody like Steve Martin writes a story about the time Noam Chomsky got in a fistfight with Jack Nicholson over a hot dog.  But here?  And to be so not funny? 

-Some of the IRA guys are still around, but there having trouble.  They were able to kill a pizza deliveryman, for no reason other then him trying to protect somebody else back in June, and a shitty home-made bomb failed to kill a couple of police officers in July, otherwise, they're just tired relics being tired relics.  It would be nice if MI5 didn't have to fix this one, but it looks like they'll be the ones.

-While it might seem a little over-the-top for Bagehot to call the replacement of Gordon Brown regicide to some, long-time Bagehot readers will recognize that he's just playing the "big words" card.  Good column, but it's another re-tread of the playing-to-the-choir "Nobody likes Gordie" article that this publication is so in love with lately.  The more I read Bagehot, the more he seems like the RZA of political columns.  Sometimes he just phones it in.

International

-There's something to be said for this sort of shotgun approach, wherein the writers take a subject (in this case, the various ways the civilized world deals with the elderly) and then tries to make a larger point about the whole thing, but it's so chock full of generalizations and vagaries that, by the end, you've learned nothing but a smattering of trivia.  Hey, wait a second.

-I didn't even know that al-Qaeda had a chief poisoner, and that a bunch of videos of dogs being gassed to death turned up after the fall of the Taliban.  He might just be dead from a cross-border missile strike in Pakistan.  (Courtesy of some American troops.)  I don't really see the value in gassing dogs.  That's just me though, maybe you have a masters degree.

Business

-Remember all those articles the Economist wrote about how nobody was really sure what it would mean when Putin turned over the title to Dmitry Medvedev?  They were hedging their bets, which was a good call:  because Vladimir has brought out the knives (as the cartoon attached to the article shows) and he's going after Mechel, the same way he went after Yukos.  Hey, big Russian corporations: watch your ass.  Big dog's hungry.

-Who's going to take over when Steve Jobs finally heads off?  Maybe somebody from this little article.  Hopefully this doesn't mean they'll bring back those hideous purple computers again.  Lame.  That aside, I like that Jobs is keeping his health status to himself.  Everybody knows what pancreatic cancer means--the guy shouldn't have to dole out constant updates.

Finance & Economics

-Do you want to be the one kid on the bus who can talk for a decent five minute stretch about why the Doha round failed again last week?  Then you should read this article, and make sure to memorize the numbers on soybeans.  Everybody will make fun of you if you get it wrong.

Science and Technology

-Okay, I read the entire article about the Hadron collider.  I read it twice.  And you know what?  That silly youtube rap video is pretty much spot on.  Here you go, one more time.  By the way, no, you aren't going to die because this thing "creates black holes."  I'm sure that neither I, the Economist, or the video will convince you otherwise if you think that, but still.  Just throwing it out there.  Hadron Collider: not something you should be in fear of.

Books and Arts

-New book about the French Revolution!  Good news too, it focuses on five revolutions.  All of them in France!  The Economist says that the book is confusing, and will be very difficult to read if the reader doesn't have a previous grasp on French history.  Whatever man, I'm sure this will be a bestseller. Harvard Press is publishing it in the US in September.  I doubt I'm the only guy who will be counting the minutes.

-Remember when they came out with Dante's Peak around the same time as the Tommy Lee Jones V. Lava movie? Or when Morgan Freeman was the President in one theater while Bruce Willis was trying not to make out with Ben Affleck in the other�  Okay, now pretend those movies were books, and that they weren't about meteors or volcanoes, but that they were about the history of the destruction of Beijing at the hands of the Communist party.  Ready?  Now ask yourself how fast you can get to Amazon.

-Silliest thing I learned about the Chinese governments response to the earthquake was here, in the first sentences of an article about the shitty art that's on display for people heading to the Olympics: apparently the government commissioned a bunch of artists to create a bunch of large paintings of soldiers saving people from the earthquake. They wanted it up and close to the games, so they can show tourists...what, exactly?  Do they really think that the people who are traveling across the globe to see the Olympics is the the type of person most easily swayed by shitty propaganda?  It's not like poor Chinese farmers are getting tickets.  Whatever, I'm sure there's an obvious reason.

Obituary: Sarah Conlon

-I'd imagine a good many will have some frame of reference for Mrs. Conlon--those who might not know the story of the "Guildford Four" probably have some recollection of the Jim Sheridan film starring Daniel Day-Lewis, In The Name of The Father.  Those who don't can get a rough idea of the background of that classic study in legal insanity and wrongful imprisonment, those who only know the movie can discover the same thing I did--that Sarah was a lot more involved in the eventual release of her son then the movie depicts it.  (The way I remember it was that there was a lot of shit with the lawyer listening to a tape recording of the dulcet tones of Mr. Day-Lewis.)  There's no mention of her fateful meeting with a Father McKinley, and his assistance in building the campaign that eventually freed ten of the eleven--her husband, of course, had died while in jail.  All the years with him that the British legal system stole from her never got repaid.  Hopefully she can make up for that now.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Next week in the Economist--more about Russia, maybe something about shark-fishing, which is why you're getting this article early, and you're getting it shorter.  What?

The Virgin Read Is On Vacation, But She Knew Somebody Who Could Fill In

Reign In Hell # 1
Written by Keith Giffen
Art by Tom Derenick, Bill Sienkiewicz, Mike Atiyeh, Stephen Jorge Segovia & Dan Brown
Published by DC Comics

There's thirty pages of comics here, two stories, and two creators who are probably some of the most loved in the field in Giffen and Sienkiewicz.  Of course, it all is in service to what's rumored (reported?) to be a story idea that publisher Dan Didio came up with, so this has a bit of a black mark going against it--but both Giffen and Sienkiewicz have done their time in the trenches of "Here's A Fucking Job" type comics, and they've done well enough.  (Sienkiewicz turned in some of the strongest design work of his post-2000 career for a god awful video game introduction published by Top Cow, and Giffen handled shit like the Freak Force and Superpatriot with some aplomb.)

But man, this thing is a goddamn mess.  Full of hideously uninteresting characters, none of whom could convincingly intimidate a puppy, it's a stew of everything that makes for a terrible comic:  No real purpose for existence?  Here you go!  Constant speeches?  Cross that one off!  Characters you've never heard of, mixed with characters like Neron that you wish you'd never read about?  Oh mama, now you're cooking with gas!  A pushy narrative that begs you to take it seriously?  Dude I totally just read your mind, it's like I'm inside your house!  This is the sort of comic that, when one of the characters says "If Batman finds out..." one practically jumps out of their seat, despite Batman's constant chase of Wolverine in the "most over-used guest star in cheap shit" race--because, hey, there's something recognizable to grab hold of, something that on occasion doesn't totally suck shit!  He is, of course, only mentioned--instead, one is graced with the appearance of Shadowpact in the sort of twisty-guest star dump that screams of a publishing empire that refuses to accept the fiscal reality that "No One Wants To Read About Shadowpact, That's Why It Only Sold To Family And Friends."  Will their appearance bring about a resurgence in stories about Blue Devil?  Will anything?

Has anyone ever had a success with a Hell-based comic in the DC universe?  There's been loose moments of cleverness, or at least decent attempts at whatever "loose moments of cleverness" implies--Neil Gaiman's Sandman riddle-fight in the early years, wherein ole Morpheus hung out in what looked like the after-hours version of the bar from Star Wars and argued with a giant insect in a leisure suit, or when John Constantine walked across a bridge made of naked human beings who cried and screamed as he stepped on their heads.  Those were just field trips though--most, if not all, of Carey's Lucifer series isn't even set down under.  None of them track that well though, it's always just moments of interest interlaced with a setting that, because it lacks any sort of consistent presentation, makes it impossible to take seriously.  Even those two examples do it a disservice--in Sandman, it seems like a kingdom of bizarre fun only laced with a sense of random violence and fear, kind of like Arcade's Murderworld with decoration by Anton LeVay, whereas in Hellblazer it's a truly mysterious, frightening place that betrays no sense of reason or logic behind strength through power, and is only accessed through the most cruel of sacrifice.  In Constantine's experience, Hell is a nasty, brutish place where the only regularity is suffering and doom, and it's presented as such:  someplace you don't want to go anywhere near, and someplace where nothing ever turns out "OK."  Then again, in Hellblazer it always looks like Hell might be somewhere around the size of a parking lot, and it's architecture is a bit too reminiscent of that cavern where Indiana Jones rode around with a racist stereotype in a mine car.  Here in Reign In Hell, it's a place that looks and behaves as if it's a particularly depressing Belarus or Georgia, complete with a war between labor unions and goofball petty tyrants, where everyone looks like a vaguely exaggerated version of a human being, with occasional deformities to match another's leather trenchcoat.  There are demons, sure, but what do they do?  Serve as gigantic rides, or pets?  Really?  Even the setting itself fails to provide anything--it's a gypsy camp mixed with spiked mountaintops, that extend for such short distances that the entire comic seems to be set in some kind of bio-dome that's been colored red.  There's nothing scary here--nothing to intimidate, or give a sense that any of the people who live there have come from somewhere else.  These are the damned, right?  So the suffering of Hell is...what?  Employment and military service in a place where some people wear goofy armor, others smoke cigars and have red skin?  Besides the fact that they "live" at all--which they apparently do, operating in such fear of death--another trifle that makes no sense.  After all, it's Hell, right?  You don't get out of Hell, do you?  So you die in Hell.  So what?  Hell part two?  Is that where the cool bands are?

The plot, loosely understood as it was, is about a coming battle between those who wish to run Hell, and those who wish to continue running Hell.  What is it that's gained by running this boring ass locale?  The comic doesn't say.  Actually, it doesn't even fucking "imply," or "hint,"or even do the mild service of a bit of the old "foreshadow"--these non-descript characters, differing only in a muddy character design whose distinction is indebted forever to the ability of a computer to color faces and clothing differently, want to be in charge solely because that's what boring, trivial stories like this require:  a dude who wants to get an army together so he can out-punch other dudes army.  (Because even though it's set in Hell, nobody had the balls to make this a mature readers comic--so no matter how nasty and upset these demons might get, they aren't going to curse or get really violent, don't worry.  Apparently there will be cross-over sales to pre-teens?  Sure thing, why not.  Maybe the religious right too, hell, one can fucking dream, can't they?)

Keith Giffen, Bill Sienkiewicz and Co will survive this miserable piece of shit.  That's why they have recognizable names, because they can survive miserable pieces of shit.  But after this long in the business, it just speaks to what a humiliating fucking industry super-hero comics can be:  guys this good should be able to pass this sort of crap down to somebody like....oh, D.J. Coffman.  He's got free time.

As mentioned, there's a back-up story--it's a turgid piece of squalor as well, but if you've ever wanted to read about a character who calls himself Dr. Occult, has an undead secretary, has some sort of co-working relationship with ghosts and talks to green smoke hallucinations of dead girls, then here it is, buried behind a comic that isn't any better.  It's not very good, but then again--neither was anything else that came out last week.

-Tucker Stone ain't even going to pretend that he's a Virgin, but he figured he'd do Nina a favor and make sure she didn't have to deal with this piece of shit, and them's your apples, 2008

Comics Of The Weak: There's Something About Sadie Hawkins Going On Here

True Believers # 1
Written by Cary Bates
Art by Paul Gulacy & Rain Beredo
Published by Marvel Comics

Upon opening this and seeing the # 1, I thought I might be getting aboard a brand new bus. Aside from considering George Orwell and J. K. Rowling to be of the same literary stature and thus quoting them both (I mean, I loved the Harry Potter series as much as anyone – but it doesn’t seem to be in the same catergory as 1984 or Animal Farm, does it?) – I first found this enjoyable. I kind of wish the first part of the story was the only story though. That was short and sweet – an introduction to a new, intriguing team, a clever bust, some new powers. Cool.

But suddenly, the S.H.I.E.L.D. is involved, and the Fantastic Four? And our new group of heroes are, maybe, anti-heroes? Or there may be an insinuation that the True Believers are the real heroes? I mean – I’m still new to this. I’m proud that I even recognize S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Fantastic Four. Now you want me to suddenly believe that they are bad? I dunno. I’m suddenly not too sweet on you, Serenity/Mavis/Swirly-Girl.

Haunt of Horror # 2
Stories & Poems by H.P. Lovecraft
Adaptation by Richard Corben
Published by Marvel MAX

There are some things that the comic book format are perfect for. For instance, sometimes a funny idea or satire will work perfect as a comic – it sums up all the things that would just take too long to say, or when there isn't enough info to write a full story. Like a political cartoon. And although super hero comics often grace the big screen or even Saturday morning cartoons, they don’t always do as well in that form as, well, the good old comic book. And with that, I will say, that H. P. Lovecraft is a stupid choice of material to make into a comic book. I mean, what’s the point? I felt like I was reading the cartoon version of lame-wanna-be Hitchcock. Remember how lame the language in the comic book of The Picture of Dorian Gray was? This is 50 times worse. I’m sure you arty people would like to discuss that the art is great – but I don’t care. Because this comic book is a waste of trees. And was a waste of my time. I mean, H. P. Lovecraft’s stories and poems should have stayed in his journal. If one is to make a comic book out of this sort of material, at least do Edgar Allen Poe, instead. (But don’t do that. Seriously. Please Don’t.)

Black Panther # 39
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Jefte Palo & Lee Loughridge
Published by Marvel Comics

Okay….so…it's part of Secret Invasion, The Super Hero Prom. But I have to say, now that I’ve been reading some comics, this isn’t half bad. I mean, one thing I can say – which may sound like a back handed compliment – is that I did not get bored half way through. That happens for me. A lot. Something starts interesting, but just when I think it's over and it has been a nice little story, I find out I’m only a third of the way through. Then I sort of lose interest. For some reason, Black Panther held my attention. Maybe it’s the love of watching arrogant people, excuse me, Skrulls, getting their asses handed to them. (Whatever the Skrull equivalent of an ass is.) Gotta love the little make-out moment on the battlefied even though...like there’s time for that. It came right after a drawing where I thought, “hey, that pantherette’s got a seriously hot body. Are there a lot of females in the Black Panther army?” No. NO silly. That’s Storm. Crossover!

Northlanders # 8
Written by Brian Wood
Art by Davide Gianfelice & Dave McCaig
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Umm….so…I liked the pictures. I did. I think I liked the story. Look, I feel like I just turned on the television to catch the last 7 ½ minutes of a five hour mini-series. So, I think its poignant and touching – but I have no idea why. Pretty, though. Pretty it is.

Wolverine # 67
Written by Mark Millar
Art by Steve McNiven, Dexter Vines, Morry Hollowell & Christina Strain
Published by Marvel Comics

“Ooooold Maaann Loooo-gan. Dat Oooold Maaaan Loogan….

He mus'know sumpin' -- But don't say nuthin', He jes'keeps rollin'

He keeps on rollin' along. “

Now, wait. Let’s discuss. I get it. Woverine is over it. He’s jaded. He’s totally broken. That doesn’t mean he’s no longer a mututant with healing powers, right? If you have amazing powers of healing, I’m sorry, but you can’t grow old. It just doesn’t make sense. No. There would be no gray hair. No wrinkles. Nope. Sorry. Does not compute.

It’s a great looking comic. And, I’m intrigued by Peter Parker’s granddaughter there at the end. And damn, that Hawk-eye’s got great aim. And he’s blind! And he’s driving! But….a major part of the premise just does not work for me. Of course, nobody asked me, now did they?

Secret Invasion: Fantastic Four # 3
Written by Rioberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Art by Barry Kitson, Cam Smith, Mick Gray & Chris Sotomayor
Published by Marvel Comics

I don’t know how you people do it. Read all these comic books, one after another? This one is cute. That’s my best word for it right now. Reading it and then I’m thinking –“she’s a Skrull? Like the Skrulls in Black Panther? But this book has an entirely different vibe.” It doesn’t feel like it could even be part of the same world – yet I’m supposed to believe this is going on at the same time the whole Africa thing is happening?

And I bet on its own, I’d find this a decent little comic. It's told, sort of, from the point of view of children – so it all has this feeling of hope about it – even though the last page that suggests that things might be hopeless has hope. But it's all just running together for me now. To find great distinctions between some of these comics for the sake of reviewing them? Tedious. Oy vey. I mean, yeah, this felt like I could maybe watch it with the Saturday Morning Cartoon line-up and I might enjoy it. But its been a long time since I’ve watched the Saturday Morning Cartoons – so I have no idea what kind of a compliment or critique that is. Anyways…..6 down, 1 to go.

Ultimate Spider-man # 124
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Stuart Immonen, Wade von Grawbadger & Justin Ponsor
Published by Marvel Comics

Spidey?!? Whatssa matter with Spidey? Did you see how skinny he is? I know he’s in High School, and whew, "What a schedule he has!" But he’s too skinny. THAT’s probably what the headaches are about. He’s hungry!   Either that or it’s a tumor.

JK!

Kind a weird how this little book is ordered. I read the “previously in Spider-man” (said with deep voice) section, and was waiting to see what was happening with Eddie. But very little Eddie. Just Spidey, getting’ it from all angles. Jeez.  And although I’m sure this Beetle thing is all kinds of fierce, I just keep thinking about The Monarch. From Venture Brothers?

Ultimate Spider-man has my heart forever because its just good ol’ Super Hero fun, mixed with the doe-eyed hope and of the young. That Peter Parker is always getting’ himself in a Pickle!  Reminds me of Winnie-The-Pooh.

-Nina Stone, 2008

Economist Vs. Idiot: Julia Allison Would Do This Sleazier, Therefore Better

The World Last Week

-The Ukraine converted to Orthodox Christianity. I'm sure that's good news to some, although I doubt they are learning about it here. My response is pretty obvious: it's 2008 and entire countries still pick a religion and announce it? Hey, The Ukraine. Grow up.

-In the month of June, Obama raised $54 million, while McCain only pulled in $22 million. While the Republican National Committee's fund raising figures aren't including in that total, one would imagine that somebody is doing something righter than somebody is else.

-The Association of South-East Asian Nations, otherwise known as the big-dick badasses who did what the UN, the US, and the European Union failed to by getting aid to the people in Myanmar (who are totally still starving to death) also turned around and pointed out that it was time for the Burmese junta to release the leader of the political opposition. Who is a lady! Nice. Unlike the G8's weak-willed rebukes to Zimbabwe, the ASEAN has actual consequences behind their threats.

-Condoleezza Rice attended the North Korean six-party talks, which she hasn't done for four years. Good things, happening all the time! (She also ran over Carly Smithson on the way.)

-One million people marched in Columbia to protest kidnapping, which leads me to wonder why I had to find this out days after it happened, as I was actually in full news-junkie, paper reading, internet mode last week. I feel like a failure. A million people?

-Hugo Chavez said he wanted to hug the king of Spain, and he wanted to team up with Russia against America. While they haven't publicly responded yet, one assumes they probably wonder if he's figured out not to put glaringly criminal documents on laptops that are then left in guerrilla camps in other countries he doesn't control. Then again, I'm not a big hugger anyway, so maybe Spainards have different priorities.

-Wachovia and Washington Mutual both lost billions of dollars, while Bank of America made about 3.4 billion in profit. This in no way affects your credit card debt, and due to the FDIC's protections, probably doesn't impact on your pathetic savings account. Still: I say let's go crazy, IndyMac style! Blood in the streets!

-Amazon had a 41% increase on last years sales quarter, meaning all the people complaining about high gas prices haven't stopped buying Battlestar Galactica DVD sets.

-Oddly, Toyota is still only the second biggest carmaker to GM's number one, but after this year...c'mon. We saw this coming in 1996, right?

Leaders

-America! Quitcher bitching! Okay, it's deeper than that, but yes, this article would be referenced by the New York Post along the lines of "British Media Tells US To Man The Fuck Up." Sure, go ahead and read it, it's nice enough, but don't try to tell me that I missed anything. This is The Economist telling Joe Six Pack to shut up about the price at the pump. Life goes on. Get a helmet.

-Not liking George W. Bush isn't something that I ever expect will be a minority in the US--not now, for sure, and it seems unlikely in the future as well. That aside, The Economist makes an excellent point--the complete reversal of the United States stance on the Iranian negotiations is great, undeniably wonderful news. Considering how likely it seemed prior to that munitions report that the White House was setting gunsights on Iran, participating in frank discussion alongside China, Britain, France, Germany & Russia with Iranian officials is better than anybody could have imagined. In the end, it's not that Bush deserves a pat on the back--working out an agreement with Iran to not blow the fuck out of Israel is part of his fucking job--but it's a grudging, labored, and late step in the right direction.

-It's nice to know that growing a beard and becoming an "alternative medical practitioner" won't protect you from the Hague war-crimes tribunal. There's absolutely nothing nice that can be said about Radovan Karadzic, beyond acknowledging that it's pleasant that he's alive enough to put on trial. I'm glad they found him. Also glad that, when they found him, he looked like a goon.

-The talks in Zimbabwe aren't going spectacularly as of today--obviously the Economist couldn't know that. Of course, their viewpoint isn't really impacted by the talks themselves--what they want, which I'm wholeheartedly in agreement with, is for Robert Mugabe to take a long walk off a short pier. Thankfully, there's no pretense in the article of that really happening, which is part of the reason I still read the Economist after giving up on the Nation years ago. (I used to read both publications on a weekly basis, long before the existence of this current writing space. I don't remember why I thought that was a good idea, but I worked nights euthanizing terminally ill animals at the time. It's a weird head state.) This article, while already dated, is respectfully intelligent in its handling of the situation: Mugabe clearly isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but unlike a Nation article, who would continue to hammer the fantastic home as if saying it makes it so (like their constant clamoring that Donald Rumsfeld should be placed before a war crimes tribunal, as if screeching magic will somehow make it happen) and they ignore the temptation that I'm free to succumb to, which is to just write "This guy is a fucking maniac who should be strung up by his thumbs" in so many different ways. That was long.

-Hey, guess who gets treated like shit in a decent portion of the world, and in some places killed? People who change religions. I don't think that's really news.

Letters

-Candy ass British expatriate complains about football hooligans in his former country, world points out that he should let shit that didn't even happen to him on a 1976 train trip go. Guess what you are? A baby.

United States

-More here to go about American concerns, interestingly contrasted with some random polls. Here's some stuff you already know: Americans are dissatisfied with the direction the country is taking, and don't like their president. Here's some stuff you maybe don't know: 80% are satisfied with their own circumstances. Numbers are higher for job satisfaction. And while only 14% like Congress as a whole, almost everybody is all smiles for their actual representatives. There's plenty more here to chew on, but that's the stuff I found most interesting. Dichotomy!

-We're still in the early phases of figuring out what Obama and McCain are offering as possible tax platforms, so it's all about preaching to the choir: "I'm a Democrat, and I favor higher tax for the rich!" or "I'm a Republican, I'd prefer loosening the reins on competition and maintaining Bush's tax cuts!" Since it's probably going to be a Democratic Congress that gives the yes or no vote, McCain's probably will end up stillborn, but it's not like what they're saying now is going to be anything like what they'll do when they get elected. (Besides Obama's constant change in tone, McCain fought the Bush tax cuts not very long ago. I'd be surprised if things don't change multiple times. Neither are big on sticking to the tape.) But if you want a "state of the race" focused on taxation and trade, this is it for July 08.

-Lexington follows up recent reports that the non-US world is practically breaking their kneecaps to fawn over Obama by pointing out that his world tour has achieved the holy goal of looking a lot like those black and white videos of when the Beatles gave pre-teen girls heart murmurs. If you want to read more about the story everybody read about 20 times in the last two weeks, here you go: I'm calling this one "not much new information."

The Americas

-A long article that might necessitate some background knowledge on Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, the current president of Argentina, and the recent stabwound she metaphorically received in the center of her back at the hands of her vice-president, Julio Cobos. Mr. Cobos decided that, in the ongoing struggle between Argentinian farmers and a government that placed a 50% export tax on soybeans, he'd side with the people against his boss. I've never much liked President Fernandez, or her corrupt husband Nestor Kirchner (the former president), but I've never been able to intelligently explain why. She's not a monster, she's just horrifically incompetent and immune to the suffering of the Argentinian people. Still, they had a free election and picked her, sort of. Their country.

-Okay, I'm not going to ruin this one. It's about Canada, their military, and opens with this quote. "We are not the public service of Canada. We are the Canadian Forces and our job is to be able to kill people." Seriously, don't you want to check that out?

-Peacocks, domestic cats, buffalo and rheas. Those are some of the animals that went from the zoo and onto the dinner table in Cuba during the period of time when Russia wasn't helping, and Venezuela hadn't showed up. Gross? Better than Leningrad. Anyway, somebody is giving them another chance to not eat the zoo animals, and this time it's a puma and some macaws. We'll see how that goes.

Asia

-There's some big article here about the possibilities of an upcoming war between Cambodia and Thailand, a bit about India's nuclear deal with America (which better be worth what it's cost India, because it wasn't exactly a crowd-pleaser), but it's the little quotes that get me. Here's the security chief of the Chinese Communist party, regarding the upcoming Olympics:

"We must give full play to the superiority of the socialist system and organize and mobilize the masses to wage a people's war for the protection of Olympic games security."

Now, I realize we might have lost something in the translation, and it's fairly common for Chinese to predominately feature "we" over "I", but does the security chief really need to be so reminiscent of a bad guy from 24 when he makes a public statement? At least when it's about a sporting event?

Middle East and Africa

-Blog doesn't always mean nonsense ramblings from the privileged--not if you're doing it in Syria, where you can get imprisoned for three years (after waiting a year in jail to go to trial.) Syria will allow you to purchase things from Amazon though, as long as you are willing to pay in pound sterling and stick to the British site. The American Amazon is just too political these days.

-Here's a great article, short and to the point--all about how Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khameni. While it has to stay pretty speculative, because Khameni is nowhere near as vocal (or as obnoxious) as Ahmadinejad, it's still full of interesting stuff about why, and how far, Khameni is willing to let Ahmadinejad wander the globe running his fucking mouth.

-African Anglican churches may be the destructive force that breaks up the Anglican church--despite the growing acceptance among Anglicans towards homosexuality, African Christians are more than willing to leave the fold on the issue, no matter the cost. If giving a shit what Anglican bishops think is your thing, then hey, you live a boring life, and here's your thing. Take it personally.

Europe

-Nicholas Sarkozy could teach Bush and Brown how to be an effective, even attractive, leader in the face of low public opinion. He's currently dealing head-on with many of the economic problems facing France--notably their work week and almost socialist job protection policies--despite the fact that no one really likes him. It's definitely a case of someone who is putting the job in front of the popularity, and while it may not last (as French labor reform seldom does), it's certainly a worthy case study.

-Germany has instituted the sort of smoking ban commonplace in many cities in the US, only to find out that, unlike a New York City Ruby Tuesday's, German restaurateurs and bartenders openly ignore the law. Whether they'll tough it out or go the Williamsburg route ("Hey, it's 1AM. Smoke away!"), it's clear they should have come up with some kind of secret cigarette police before the law came into effect.

-Okay, this is the best cartoon of the week. Column is fine too.

Britain

-Britons better get ready--their gas prices are getting ready to skyrocket, 40% of the electricity is provided by gas, 85% of their homes are heated by it, and they'll pretty much be out of their own North Sea supply in the next few years. The number of people who are "fuel-poor," which is the name for people who spend 10% of their household income heating their home has doubled in the last four years. This article has more on the whole thing--none of it is good.

-Here's a pretty interesting article on people getting divorced, despite opening with a quote from Robin Williams. During recessions, rich people split in hopes of the lower-income spouse catching a windfall based off current income. It's funny how the heart works.

-Apparently Gordon Brown showed up in Israel and made a lot of people cry and stuff, I don't know how. I think he talked about a dying cat or something.

-Bagehot reveals how little he thinks of pop psychology, which I'll always be in support of. Whether it's the Secret, Tipping Points or whatever, pop psychology books make me want to cut off my genitals and feed them to dogs.

International (Lazy Ass Shit This Week, No, You Don't Deserve To Be Here)

-There are assholes on the internet, and they aren't talking about your run-of-the-mill "I call people I disagree with things like Fag," no, this is all about fascists, racists and xenophobic sociopaths. Let's all pretend we needed the Economist to tell us that.

-Bill Gates and Michael Bloomberg are putting money into fighting smoking, also press releases, which is exactly what this article reads like.

-King Abdullah is preferable to King Fahd, Saudi Arabia is still a shitty place to be a woman, and regardless of oil I think I've reached my yearly tolerance level for applauding minuscule progress in that country.

Business

-The next industry that's following the steps of every industry? Generic drug manufacturers, merging, taking each other over, so on, etc. You've seen it once, you've seen it a million times: an industry gets big enough that it supports a lot of mid-sized companies, one or two join up and become a major force and from there it's a bunch of blobs grabbing hold.

-Well, this is just a fantastic sort of tale: two brothers, who inherited a split fortune and now spend all their time fighting each other in the business world. On this side: the fifth richest man. On the other? Number six. They are the Ambani brothers, and they are consumed with beating the shit out of each other in the one thing they both excel at, which is making more money than you or I can imagine how to spend. (And I dream in color.)

-I wonder how many hard core environmentalists pay attention to the carbon footprint involved with wine packaging. (Actually, I know a couple of multi-millionaire green-freaks who have a shit load of wine bottles and don't give a damn what a pointless drag on the planet the heavy glass bottles come in. I'm just not going to name them, because then I might have to explain myself at the job that pays me to read the Economist and drop thinly veiled references to my betters.)

Finance and Economics

-Hey, here's a fucker. "Banks' balance-sheets may be difficult to understand but insurers can be mind-bogglingly complex too." That's from the first paragraph of this two page article about investing in European insurance companies. Later on they mention that ING, from the Netherlands, popped out a 96 page long quarterly report with a 190-page statistical supplement. Let's pull back the curtain on your writer: It takes me a good couple of hours to make it through the prospectus for my personal IRA, and my work 401K? I just trusted the judgment of a guy who's favorite band is R.E.M. Runner-up to Michael Stipe? U2.

-Hedge fund beat the shit out of Wall Street by 12 percentage points in the first half of 2008. It was their worst return on record. Welcome to the best Buttonwood column since I started this project, and my favorite in the last year before that. Don't get too excited though, that's called "faint praise."

-It's fascinating, but a little bit unsettling that American Express is suffering so much financially while MasterCard is doing so well. Not because I care about Amex, but Amex is always a more reliable source of information on how fiscally responsible people are spending money as compared to MasterCard, which would give a credit card to fish if they could figure out a way. Amex is more selective, and therefore it has a customer base more indictative of the consumption habits of people who make smarter purchases--this article doesn't deal with it in too much depth, but a future one probably will.

-Oh, this thing is pretty famous--some people are actually going to buy this issue alone for it. It's the Big Mac Index! That's where the Economist takes a look at the price of a McDonald's Big Mac around the world. Check it out if you've never seen it. Spoiler: Don't buy a hamburger in Norway. Malaysia is the way to go.

Science and Technology

-NASA turns 50, and have those across the pond come to praise it, or see it dead? Not an easy answer--there's the indefensible waste that is the expensive space station coupled with the extravagant love affair with manned space-flight, both of which have failed to produce much in the way of scientific value. On the other side though, as the Economist points out, there's the value of unmanned science--examining the Earth's climate, weather, and geology, exploration of the unknown galaxy, all of which adds up to less than 1/3 of NASA's budget. It's not an easy thing to analyze--there's an almost natural belief in the US that exploring space must be done, despite the lack of usable information produced and extraordinary cost. It would break hearts to stop. That being said--it's the unattractive and boring robots that are accomplishing stuff. Putting men and women on an expensive and flawed station? That's baseball cards.

-Ragworms sure are gross ass creatures, but their gross ass teeth might be usable, if we can recreate them in the lab, to make safer, cheaper and stronger planes. That's something I doubt anybody saw coming. Maybe the Mole Man?

-There's a really shitty article about sugar, if you care, and then the Science section closes it doors early. Three articles? Three pages? Somebody fell asleep in the UK.

Books and Arts

-Okay, I'm not going to lie--if the Economist is going to fawn all over that shitty Indiana Jones flick, they should really drop a few words about Dark Knight, even if it's just a "Huh, super-hero movie makes money." It's not that I'm uninterested in a couple of bitching non-fiction reads about the state of America's Middle East strategy, it's just that Generation Kill is on, I've got my Iraq fill from that, and I'm really curious what their terrible movie review team is going to say about a film that I found an enjoyable way to spend a few hours.

-You can tell that the Economist has the same question every other Haruki Murakami fan has regarding his new non-fiction book about his running obsession: Why are you publishing this boring ass shit? You, Murakami, are boring me to tears. Don't publish this.

-I don't mention them every time, but you should know that a new non-fiction book about some random person connected to the monarchies of Britain and France gets reviewed about every week in this publication. I don't mention it because they all sound perfectly dreadful, as does this one, about the "Secret Wife of Louis XIV." Hey Veronica Buckley, why don't you keep that shit a secret?

-Just a reminder that Paul Auster is not dead, no matter how dead my brain keeps telling me is. His new book is, according to these guys, not that wonderful. I don't even think he's very old. Can't explain why I think he's dead. It's like Warren Beatty, you feel sure that he's dead, but he's not dead, not even that old. But I swear to God he's died like four times.

Obituary: Bronislaw Geremek

-The Polish struggle against totalitarian control over the last 40 years is one that I'm woefully uneducated upon, so while I was obviously impressed by Geremek's achievements (who wouldn't be?), I admit that I don't have much of a frame of reference fror the man The Economist claims was "the emodiment of Poland's hoped-for future."  These sorts of guys--the intellectual fighters, the one's who designed the mechanics for changes in governments--they're always going to be the unsung heroes when compared against the charismatic celebrity types like Lech Walesa.  (I do know pretty well who Walesa is, as I imagine most do.)  That isn't to dismiss the talkers and the action-takers, but if it wasn't for guys like Mr. Geremek, little in this world would change.  Then again--it isn't like he isn't a hero to his countrymen, and maybe being a "name" in the rest of the world isn't that important.  He did great things.  He'll be missed by many.

-Next week in The Economist, they focus on China.  Next week at the Economist Vs. Idiot, I get the fuck over myself.