The Virgin Read Is On Vacation, But She Knew Somebody Who Could Fill In

Reign In Hell # 1
Written by Keith Giffen
Art by Tom Derenick, Bill Sienkiewicz, Mike Atiyeh, Stephen Jorge Segovia & Dan Brown
Published by DC Comics

There's thirty pages of comics here, two stories, and two creators who are probably some of the most loved in the field in Giffen and Sienkiewicz.  Of course, it all is in service to what's rumored (reported?) to be a story idea that publisher Dan Didio came up with, so this has a bit of a black mark going against it--but both Giffen and Sienkiewicz have done their time in the trenches of "Here's A Fucking Job" type comics, and they've done well enough.  (Sienkiewicz turned in some of the strongest design work of his post-2000 career for a god awful video game introduction published by Top Cow, and Giffen handled shit like the Freak Force and Superpatriot with some aplomb.)

But man, this thing is a goddamn mess.  Full of hideously uninteresting characters, none of whom could convincingly intimidate a puppy, it's a stew of everything that makes for a terrible comic:  No real purpose for existence?  Here you go!  Constant speeches?  Cross that one off!  Characters you've never heard of, mixed with characters like Neron that you wish you'd never read about?  Oh mama, now you're cooking with gas!  A pushy narrative that begs you to take it seriously?  Dude I totally just read your mind, it's like I'm inside your house!  This is the sort of comic that, when one of the characters says "If Batman finds out..." one practically jumps out of their seat, despite Batman's constant chase of Wolverine in the "most over-used guest star in cheap shit" race--because, hey, there's something recognizable to grab hold of, something that on occasion doesn't totally suck shit!  He is, of course, only mentioned--instead, one is graced with the appearance of Shadowpact in the sort of twisty-guest star dump that screams of a publishing empire that refuses to accept the fiscal reality that "No One Wants To Read About Shadowpact, That's Why It Only Sold To Family And Friends."  Will their appearance bring about a resurgence in stories about Blue Devil?  Will anything?

Has anyone ever had a success with a Hell-based comic in the DC universe?  There's been loose moments of cleverness, or at least decent attempts at whatever "loose moments of cleverness" implies--Neil Gaiman's Sandman riddle-fight in the early years, wherein ole Morpheus hung out in what looked like the after-hours version of the bar from Star Wars and argued with a giant insect in a leisure suit, or when John Constantine walked across a bridge made of naked human beings who cried and screamed as he stepped on their heads.  Those were just field trips though--most, if not all, of Carey's Lucifer series isn't even set down under.  None of them track that well though, it's always just moments of interest interlaced with a setting that, because it lacks any sort of consistent presentation, makes it impossible to take seriously.  Even those two examples do it a disservice--in Sandman, it seems like a kingdom of bizarre fun only laced with a sense of random violence and fear, kind of like Arcade's Murderworld with decoration by Anton LeVay, whereas in Hellblazer it's a truly mysterious, frightening place that betrays no sense of reason or logic behind strength through power, and is only accessed through the most cruel of sacrifice.  In Constantine's experience, Hell is a nasty, brutish place where the only regularity is suffering and doom, and it's presented as such:  someplace you don't want to go anywhere near, and someplace where nothing ever turns out "OK."  Then again, in Hellblazer it always looks like Hell might be somewhere around the size of a parking lot, and it's architecture is a bit too reminiscent of that cavern where Indiana Jones rode around with a racist stereotype in a mine car.  Here in Reign In Hell, it's a place that looks and behaves as if it's a particularly depressing Belarus or Georgia, complete with a war between labor unions and goofball petty tyrants, where everyone looks like a vaguely exaggerated version of a human being, with occasional deformities to match another's leather trenchcoat.  There are demons, sure, but what do they do?  Serve as gigantic rides, or pets?  Really?  Even the setting itself fails to provide anything--it's a gypsy camp mixed with spiked mountaintops, that extend for such short distances that the entire comic seems to be set in some kind of bio-dome that's been colored red.  There's nothing scary here--nothing to intimidate, or give a sense that any of the people who live there have come from somewhere else.  These are the damned, right?  So the suffering of Hell is...what?  Employment and military service in a place where some people wear goofy armor, others smoke cigars and have red skin?  Besides the fact that they "live" at all--which they apparently do, operating in such fear of death--another trifle that makes no sense.  After all, it's Hell, right?  You don't get out of Hell, do you?  So you die in Hell.  So what?  Hell part two?  Is that where the cool bands are?

The plot, loosely understood as it was, is about a coming battle between those who wish to run Hell, and those who wish to continue running Hell.  What is it that's gained by running this boring ass locale?  The comic doesn't say.  Actually, it doesn't even fucking "imply," or "hint,"or even do the mild service of a bit of the old "foreshadow"--these non-descript characters, differing only in a muddy character design whose distinction is indebted forever to the ability of a computer to color faces and clothing differently, want to be in charge solely because that's what boring, trivial stories like this require:  a dude who wants to get an army together so he can out-punch other dudes army.  (Because even though it's set in Hell, nobody had the balls to make this a mature readers comic--so no matter how nasty and upset these demons might get, they aren't going to curse or get really violent, don't worry.  Apparently there will be cross-over sales to pre-teens?  Sure thing, why not.  Maybe the religious right too, hell, one can fucking dream, can't they?)

Keith Giffen, Bill Sienkiewicz and Co will survive this miserable piece of shit.  That's why they have recognizable names, because they can survive miserable pieces of shit.  But after this long in the business, it just speaks to what a humiliating fucking industry super-hero comics can be:  guys this good should be able to pass this sort of crap down to somebody like....oh, D.J. Coffman.  He's got free time.

As mentioned, there's a back-up story--it's a turgid piece of squalor as well, but if you've ever wanted to read about a character who calls himself Dr. Occult, has an undead secretary, has some sort of co-working relationship with ghosts and talks to green smoke hallucinations of dead girls, then here it is, buried behind a comic that isn't any better.  It's not very good, but then again--neither was anything else that came out last week.

-Tucker Stone ain't even going to pretend that he's a Virgin, but he figured he'd do Nina a favor and make sure she didn't have to deal with this piece of shit, and them's your apples, 2008

Comments

[Juan Arteaga]

Ennis' very short The Demon run took place in hell, partly. He even wrote a war in hell story where the angels try to take over over hell for some reason. It even guest starred Daniel and the other angel guy from Sandman. I just mention it because it was better than this shit.

[Guy Smiley]

How do you make hell interesting? If your corporate overlords won’t let you portray it as a festering tumor of unparalleled filth and horror, what do you do? You make it some kind of reflection of (and pathetically shallow commentary on) the modern world, which is generally a massive failure of the creators' imaginations: Hell is the military industrial complex! Hell is corporate America! High school! Ooh, ooh, hell could be, like, a farm, and hey, don't demons already have pitchforks? Wait -- hell could be other people! Other people who make comics about hell!

Bottom Line: Hell generally makes boring comics. As you say, no one can die, no one can escape, and also, there's generally no one there to like. Miniseries set in hell? With no main character named "Satan"? That's not even weak tea. That's just brownish water Dan Didio scooped out of a puddle on his way to the office.

Closing notes: You are the least convincing virgin since my prom date, and I enjoyed the first BPRD book.