Comics Of The Weak: The Way To Make A Wonder Woman Movie Work Would Be To Make It About Dudes

All Star Superman # 12
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Frank Quitely & Jamie Grant
Published by DC Comics

Here it is, the ending to end all endings, with Superman fired into the Sun to look upon what his creation wrought, a humanity that's better when he left it then it was when we found it.  (The Boy Scout philosophy about camping!)  And like that, one of the most universally loved chapters of recent comic book publishing is finished.  While there are some future Superman stories in this little All Star world off in the future, the current iteration of Morrison & Quitely is no more, and there's something pretty respectable about that--that a creative team walks away having done what they set out to accomplish in just twelve issues, which was prove that there is a possibility out there to print a comic book about Superman that isn't stupid, repetitive, ugly, laced with horseshit, or designed to appeal to immature fuckwads.  It would be nice to think that, after twelve issues of damn fine goodness, that the rest of the comics about spandex clad characters are going to get better--after all, now that there's twelve solid ass examples of what the "good shit" should look like, aren't the readers going to start demanding more?  Sadly, there's absolutely no reason to think that whatsoever, because even though a lot people are going to agree with the statement that "All Star Superman was one of the best comics of the year," something like half of that group is going to follow it up by saying "...and so was Final Crisis: Rogues Revenge, Green Lantern, Ultimate Fantastic Four, Uncanny X-Men, wait, let me check my pull list, but yeah, All Star Superman was pretty great."  Still, it doesn't take away from the fact that this has been the most innovative version of a super-hero comic since--oh, what the fuck.  Since Watchmen. 

Captain Britain & MI13
Written by Paul Cornell
Art by Pat Olliffe, Paul Neary, Brian Reber & Raul Trevino
Published by Marvel Comics

Although the last page of this comic is pretty much your standard run of the mill fakeout cliffhanger--despite what you were told about vampires, there's probably some dumb reason why a wooden stake to the heart, shoved all the way through, isn't going to kill this particular vampire--one should remember that Paul Cornell convinced Marvel to let him end the Secret Invasion part of this Captain Britain series by having a character commit genocide, racially cleansing the United Kingdom of Skrulls in the last issue.  Then again, they also let him kill and then immediately resurrect a character, and that character's power level is now determined by his emotional state, specifically his level of confidence.  The idea that "confidence" is somehow a measurable trait that can then be correlated to physical strength opens a whole new door to stupid comic book science, because it means that somehow a bunch of scientists must have had the theory, while watching the character train, that he was stronger on Tuesday because...I don't know, he'd just been at a fucking parade?  Because a hot girl told him that he had a big dick and that was the first time she'd reached orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone?  Then they started...what, "testing" for that?  Like they gave him a two-hundred pound barbell to do upright rows, but before he picked it up they said "Dude, you look really hot in your spandex outfit." 

Ghost Rider # 27
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Tan Eng Huat & Jose Villarrubia
Published by Marvel Comics

There's been something like two-hundred odd issues about the Ghost Rider character published prior to this, the third incarnation of the title.  Yet here, in issue # 27, they're still dicking around with the character's origin, still working out some kind of motivation for him to do the whole motorcycle/fire head thing.  While it's all presented with a really distinct, individualistic style that gives it an appearance less in line with the majority of American mainstream comics and something more akin to what the Humanoids company publishes, it's all just too horribly depressing to read, because you have to watch Jason Aaron as he, for some bizarrely masochistic reason that makes absolutely no sense, tries to combine the variant threads of throw-away narrative that exist throughout the Ghost Rider universe, all of which only existed so that somebody could draw a picture of the character in the first place.  It would make sense for Aaron to take this sort of Batman RIP "everything that happened matters" approach of there was some kind of large reverence for the history of Ghost Rider, but the fucking simple truth is this:  the only sensible reason to read a Ghost Rider comic is because it's a skeleton on a motorcycle that looks cool and his fucking name is Johnny Blaze.  Nobody, except a complete shit-for-brains, many of whom apparently tattoo the character onto their flesh and then tell the world, or at least the part of the world that reads the letters page in a Ghost Rider comic, cares at all about Noble Kane, or Danny Ketch, or Blackheart, or the "Caretaker" or where this or that or the other thing came from.  It's just fucking stupid, and it takes up time that could be used to fucking hit things, or spit chains of fire, or make people shit their pants by experiencing the "pain they've caused others."

Hellblazer # 247
Written by Andy Diggle
Art by Leonardo Manco
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Andy Diggle's version of a Hellblazer story is cribbing a bit too heavy from the worser aspects of the Mike Carey run, as he seems to have decided to just keep coming up with new names for the "arc" that don't reflect that the arc hasn't really finished or even reached the sort of point that it's at a narrative conclusion.  First off he introduced this crazy people eater from Africa, but then he started an "All New Storyline" called "The Laughing Magician" that wasn't the start of anything, because it was just about the crazy people eating guy, and then he ended that storyline while Jason Aaron showed up to remind everybody how shitty the Adverts were, and now Diggle has returned, and it's the start of another "All New Storyline" except that it's still about the crazy people eating guy, who is still looking for John Constantine in London.  And since this is the first time that anybody around here can remember that anyone in a Hellblazer comic has ever had a hard time finding John Constantine when they were already in the exact same city that he was, we say "bullshit" on that, because it's not like the alcoholic chain-smoking misanthrope of a character ever changes his domestic patterns.  Christsakes, he's bought his cigarettes at the same fucking corner deli for the last twenty years.   And yeah, Mike Carey already did the same thing, which is try to pretend he was telling individual stories when he was actually publishing one long ass epic, which meant that the whole thing eventually sunk under the ambition of it all because the beginning didn't fit with the ending and the artists kept changing, and it introduced a bunch of characters that nobody heard of and a weird apartment that no one had ever seen before.  Which is why nobody remembers anything that happened when Mike Carey wrote Hellblazer, except that Marcelo Frusin made John Constantine a hell of a lot sexier then he ever was before while cementing Leonardo Manco as being a guy who could take any Hellblazer script and make it look like a comic book published in 1985.

The Mighty Avengers # 18
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Stefano Caselli & Daniele Rudoni
Published by Marvel Comics

When they publish these in a trade collection, what are they going to call the trade?  The rise of Nick Fury and his twenty-something Howling Commandos?  It's obvious that the story is being created to back up the whole Nick Fury portion of Secret Invasion, but considering how long the character has been AWOL from the Marvel universe, finding out he's been roaming around with a shaved head and then he just started dressing the same again and grew his hair back out after hooking up with a bunch of college age superhuman types that he trained--where did he train them, a warehouse or something--that's it?  This whole Secret Invasion thing started off with this advertising copy that the story had been set up for years, that Bendis had been planning it ever since he took over writing 30% of Marvel's super-hero output, but now it just seems like he's running around playing wack-a-mole with all the little parts of the story that are poking out.  Like all the stories are the bubbles in new wallpaper, and whatever method that works to smooth it out will be fine, no matter how odd it reads.  The art doesn't help, since it's changed every single month, but then again, the Mighty Avengers hasn't been about anything specific in, what, like 8 or 9 issues?  It's just random stories that have something to do with Secret Invasion, and you don't have to read them to understand Secret Invasion, but they sort of help even though they don't "count."  So it's like those short "prequels" they put on the 24 DVD box sets--sure, the team is all there to make the thing look like 24, and it looks like it matters, but hey, it's fucking 24.  Do you really need extra deleted scenes to figure out the "meaning" of 24?  Is that really a story that a lot of people struggle with?

The Punisher # 62
Written by Gregg Hurwitz
Art by Laurence Campbell & Lee Loughridge
Published by Marvel MAX

Remember that time that the Punisher tortured a bunch of people for information, and then he went into a random warehouse and pulled the trigger at the first noise he heard?  And then it turned out that the noise was a little girl and that she was dead?  And it was drawn in such a way that it looked like the Punisher might have been the one who shot her?  Except that there's some fireworks next to her, so he might be getting set up?  And you read it and said, fuck, i've read this before, like 800 times, and isn't there a rule about these Punisher MAX comics that says nobody is allowed to write about Frank Castle's "feelings?"  Marvel made a bad call when they decided to replace Garth Ennis with a guy doing an imitation of Garth Ennis.  A better choice would've been to go and get some really namby-pamby "i like girls but they scare me when they talk" kind of writer on board and see what kind of weird shit they'd do with it.  At least then it would've been unique.

Robin # 178
Written by Fabian Nicieza
Art by Freddie Williams II & Guy Major
Published by DC Comics

It would be really, really funny if, after going through all that "The Spoiler should be in the batcave in a lucite case like my first issue of Youngblood as a memorial Robin" only to follow that up with her getting shot in the face by somebody in an issue of Robin, and have the final thing she hears be "...I'm going to have to SPOIL your little plans!"  That would be really funny.  Also, you should probably read...something, maybe it was issue #177.5 of the Robin series that explains what exactly is going on, because this comic is set in some weird near future period after RIP but has the same plot as the Wargames arc from five years ago.  Of course, if you've been keeping up with Robin for 178 issues, you probably stopped caring whether or not you liked what happened in the comic about 177 issues anyway.  How does one become a fan of this comic anyway?  Is it like eating Luna bars, where you don't know exactly why you're doing it, but you figure, fuck it, this must be food, I could do worse?  

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Comments

[Dick Hyacinth]

"Still, it doesn't take away from the fact that this has been the most innovative version of a super-hero comic since--oh, what the fuck. Since Watchmen."

That can't possibly be accurate. I mean...Seven Soldiers, right? Or Animal Man? Just to stick to Grant Morrison comics (which might end up being necessary anyway, all things considered).

[Tucker Stone]

It was off the cuff, so I don't know if it's something that I really should defend. That being said, I do think that Watchmen and All Star Superman share a unified visual look across the board, a consistency in narrative tone, and a stand-alone, "don't need anything else to read this" thing. I don't see the same with Soldiers and Animal, although that doesn't mean I like them any less--just that they aren't as clean an example of hero comic as All Star is. Either way "most innovative usage of a super-hero comic" is pretty fucking mediocre praise--i'm not convinced there needs to be a canon made up of "best of what DC, Marvel and sometimes Dark Horse publishes".

I am curious to find out how long this things legs are. It would be interesting for the Superman character to finally have a trade paperback that can sell the way the Dark Knight Returns still does. (Besides the doomsday punch clark he fall down wah wah thing.)

[Kenny]

"Still, it doesn't take away from the fact that this has been the most innovative version of a super-hero comic since--oh, what the fuck. Since Watchmen."

OK, it was off the cuff, fair enough, but was innovative really the word you were looking for? At the end of the day, All Star Superman was a superbly executed book, but was there really much that was innovative? Also, lumping it together with Watchmen is...I dunno. Watchmen set out to make a statement on certain elements of superhero books, and in the process Moore reinvented comic book structuring. All Star Superman was "just" standard superhero stories told extremely well. The Superman book didn't break any ground, or even try to, so I don't think it's fair to either book to judge them by each other.

As far as the Superman book having legs, I think this will be another book everyone will forget about in a year or two. DC decided to trade it as two separate volumes, and I think that alone will diminish its staying power, since the story doesn't really show everything it is unless its read as one work. (I don't think Lord of the Rings is a good analogue, because quite frankly I don't think DC will ever market anything competently, as the LOTR books were.) Also, it's DC, and unless someone literally hands them a complete work that's "shocking," (e.g. Watchmen and Dark Knight Returns), they don't know what to do. I don't think they can take a true all ages, clean, fun, Superman story and market it. I think this story will be fondly remembered by people like you and Deppey as an example of how good a superhero book can be if done well, and people like - well - the superhero people will point to as one example in a list of books including the other stuff you mentioned that was good for 2008. All that and I haven't even read the rest of the column yet! lol

[Kenny]

You need to start writing Robin. Now. Your idea would be hysterical, and then I could amuse myself reading a bunch of angry baby men and women peeing themselves over the whole thing!

You have a more positive view of Ghost Rider comics than I do. As far as I'm concerned, they only redeemed themselves by Method Man using the name Johnny Blaze and the cute Ghost Rider Mighty Mugg. Now, if they were to publish a comic of the Ghost Rider Mighty Mugg hitting people, that would be epic.

[Tucker Stone]

I can't take any credit for Robin. The issue itself is written as if that's the way it's going, I'm sure the guy who pulled the trigger and said that line will have somehow missed, even though he looked to be about 3 feet away from Stephanie.

I don't know what a Mighty Mugg is, but it sounds fascinating.

[Kenny]

If Spoiler was indeed shot in the face and dead, I would laugh disproportionately to what would be considered sane and well adjusted. One can hope, I guess...but I think DC still pretends their books are written for kids, so maybe hoping is futile.

A Mighty Mugg is like, um, can I link in your comments? I don't know if that's bad form or not, but it's one of these:

http://web.mac.com/billvinson/ImageShare/miscellaneous/mightymuggs_ghost_rider.jpg

Please delete if you think the link is tacky.

[Tucker Stone]

I think it's a general rule that linking to pictures of something like that is always acceptable. I disagree that Ghost Rider should look like that. It would be better if that thing just followed the regular Ghost Rider around, like a dog or Bat-Mite.

[Duncan]

I kind of hope you're wrong about all this Kenny, but you're definitely wrong when you say:

"DC decided to trade it as two separate volumes, and I think that alone will diminish its staying power, since the story doesn't really show everything it is unless its read as one work."

because there's already a scheduled 12 ish collection, probably hardback, and I'd imagine there will be a cheaper one later.