Comics of the Weak: At Least One Or More Of These Comics Will Someday Be Screwed Into A Slab Of Plastic Case For No Discernible Reason Whatsoever

All Star Batman & Robin The Boy Wonder # 10
Written by Frank Miller
Art by Jim Lee, Scott Williams & Alex Sinclair
Published by DC Comics

Page 1: This is a picture of Jim Gordon, he is a police officer in Gotham City, which is where Batman lives.

Page 4: The reason that the picture on the top in the middle has curved corners is because it is a flashback to a previous time and place.  That is why it is different.

Page 10-11:  Robin is making the "Spider-Man Hand" while he rides on top of a subway car because the "Spider-Man Hand" is also popular among surfers, and Robin is, in a sense, surfing on top of a subway car.  It is more popular for surfers to make the "Hang Ten Hand," but it is also a funny joke about another comic book character.  Also, Robin is splaying his legs for a "crotch shot" to appeal to female readers.

Page 12:  Batman alludes to a previous time period, when he and Catwoman "fucked on a pile of trash."

Page 13-14:  These pages are the reason that the comic was originally ordered to be pulped by DC. They have black boxes where words like cunt and fuck should be.  Also, the Batgirl was originally grabbing the men's penis and taint area, which is known to be painful, both in comics and in real penis and taint areas.

Page 16:  These pages feature a female character who talks a lot, and will be ignored by the majority of readers of this comic, because they are about a female, and she is not naked or talking about getting naked, or about how much she likes Batman, and therefore it will be assumed to be inessential to the plot.

Page 21:  The doctor at the hospital is very attractive, and she is wearing a short skirt.  This short skirt seems a bit incongruent with the way female doctors are normally depicted on E.R., leading to the implication that eventually she will take the skirt off because James Gordon is present.  It hearkens back to the earlier statement, that Captain Gordon is "a hard man."

Page 22:  The comic ends with Captain Gordon making a booty call, but since he initiates the dialog with a hint that the conversation will lead to what is referred to as "phone sex," it is assumed that he will neglect to follow through with an actual meeting upon reaching ejaculation.  Booty calls are often made because the caller assumes that sexual intercourse will change their current emotional state--often, masturbation brings about the same basic relaxation and avoids the shame of adultery.

Captain America # 42
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Steve Epting, Luke Ross, Rick Magyar, Fabio Laguna & Frank D'Armata
Published by Marvel Comics

For those who feel the need to keep track, it seems that this may be, if one only treats the Bucky/Winter Soldier/New Captain America character appearances in this title as canon, that this is the first issue where the character has smiled and been depicted as relaxing at home.  Longtime readers will be happy to know that the said occurrence will not be repeated for another 42 issues.  Also, the Red Skull now longer lives inside a man's head.  He has moved to the washing machine in another individual's belly.

Daredevil # 111
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Clay Mann, Stefano Gaudiano & Matt Hollingsworth
Published by Marvel Comics

One of the nicest aspects of Dakota North is that she has yet to live up to a name that sounds like it belongs alongside Cheyenne Silver and Stormy Daniels.  She only vaguely dodges the bullet here, although she failed to dodge a bullet not to long ago, and ends up banging Matthew "Daredevil" Murdock like a storm door in a hurricane.  Thankfully, it's drawn all classy and shit, and there's the initial "What are we doing" moment to keep the reader in suspense.  What are they doing?  Shit, girl--you're just signing your death warrant.  Ain't no girl get a sexual piece of Murdock and get away clean.  That boy makes herpes look like a 25th anniversary present.  Ah, comics.

The New Avengers # 45
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Jim Cheung, John Dell, Jay Leisten & Justin Ponsor
Published by Marvel Comics

There's a nice middle ground here: if you've read House of M, you get a chance to see the same shit, drawn differently, all over again, but from a different point of view.  It's probably not a point of view you would have picked, sort of like that "cinematic" view they have in Grand Theft Auto--sort of useful if you're really into posting videos of yourself driving a fake car in fake city, but not that valuable if you're trying to find old men and prostitutes that you can run over.  Of course, if you haven't read House of M, you get a real quick reminder of why you're really glad you didn't, because Magneto is dressed like that Michael Jackson robot in Moonwalker and the plot revolves around the Scarlet Witch, who couldn't be interesting if she was real and showed up at your house everytime you said her name into the bathroom mirror three times.

Thunderbolts # 124
Written by Christos Gage
Art by Fernando Blanco & Frank Martin
Published by Marvel Comics

Although a decent portion of this comic looks like it was published before the art was finished, it's still about terrible assholes who are really into killing aliens, and there's nothing wrong with that.  Laying on the "do this for freedom, do this for Earth, you goddamn sociopaths" schtick, the comic pretty much revolves around trying to figure out new and useful ways to cut, shoot, blow up and all around fuck aliens into the ground, and it ends with Norman Osborn sitting in front of the Lincoln memorial like he was put there by Norman Rockwell.  Say what you want about Thunderbolts--that it's stupid, that it's about characters no one gives a shit about it--but it's nice to see that nobody at Marvel is trying to include anything like a moral, purpose, or cheesy political allegory.  It's about lunatics who kill shit.

Ultimate Spider-Man # 126
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Stuart Immonen, Wade von Grawbadger & Justin Ponsor
Published by Marvel Comics

This comic takes a relatively novel approach to the standard "super-hero team must stop massive monster and every tactic results in making monster bigger and tougher" by spending 15 of it's 22 pages depicting the fight until the point where it jumps to the morning after the fight.  It's the equivalent of watching a 90 minute action movie where the first 61 minutes are spent ratcheting up the tension until a bomb is three seconds away from going off, and then jumping past the climax completely, all the way to the epilogue.  And then the epilogue ends with a vague statement that sets up the next movie.  It's one of the worst structured scripts that this title has ever had.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

There will be a few pieces going up at Comixology regarding the recent Baltimore Comic Convention and the Harvey Awards over the next few days.

Comments

[Kenny]

Bendis has been falling off his game left and right. It used to be you could read a Bendis Marvel comic knowing you'd get some decent character development and some sort of advancement. Now, you get a lot of set-up and a half-assed resolution that skips out on all the stuff someone would actually want to read.

You're right about that Thunderbolts book, too...for being God awful, the one saving grace is no one's pretending there's a moral anywhere; it's just psychopaths doing what they do best. I think it was better under Ellis, because he has the sadistic sense of humor necessary for the book to work. You could tell he almost enjoyed having the "heroes" ripped and flayed apart.

[Kevin Huxford]

You managed to take all the romance out of having "fucked on a pile of trash". I'm not sure you completely sucked the romance out of being "fucked and marked for death" with Dakota and Matt, though.

[Guy Smiley]

I thought I was gonna write a comment praising the review of Ass-Bat, which was deadpan glory, but it all sorta fluttered out of my noggin after this:

That boy makes herpes look like a 25th anniversary present. Ah, comics.

I'm glad I read that, even though I read DD in trade and usually gloss over your comments so as not to "spoil." Even if, six months from now, I remember that Dakota is due to, y'know, throw the billyclub, it'll be worth it.

Also, on the DD cover? If those throwing stars have been hurled by us, the reader, at the bodypaint lady, then, hey, good cover, I guess. If we're supposed to think that, from her body language, she threw them, resulting in her striking that pose? I would say that is almost as impossible as Frank Miller ever writing a comic again that isn't about fucking on a pile of trash.