The Factual Opinion

Capacity by Theo Ellsworth

Capacity
By Theo Ellsworth
Published by Secret Acres, 2008

What is Secret Acres going to do when they run out of amiable, likeable cartoonists?  Eventually, these guys are going to have to find an author who is just a straight up prick.  Capacity is their third "official" publication this year, following the release of Samuel Gaskin's Fatal Faux Pas (reviewed here by Nina) and Eamon Espey's Wormdye, and it continues the trend of publishing well designed collections of mini-comics adapted or extended to "graphic novel" length.  It also continues the trend of publishing characters that, even if they're killing cats, come across as being birthed from friendly artists who seem genuinely excited to have found an outlet that allows their work to leave the ramshackle hall of hand-stapled mini-comics and join their brother and sisters at Barnes & Noble in the heavy softcover collection category.  Theo Ellsworth, more so then Espy or Gaskin, exemplifies these amiable traits at it's finest--while it's doubtful that a man could be anywhere near as whimsical and gentle as his fictional substitute in Capacity, it seems a hell of a lot less ridiculous than to imagine him as an embittered cartoonist lost in the fog of narcissistic solipsism that is so often the setting for the type of stories that Capacity seeks to tell.  Simply put, Capacity is a collection of one cartoonist's attempts to nail down his own creative process, to fill in the gaps between his artful depictions of his own imagination with an honest explanation of the motives behind them, and yet, at no point does one get the sense that he's a self-deluded prick who would be much happier doing just about anything other than drawing cartoons based around his own thoughts.  On top of that, despite blurring the lines constantly about who the man is behind the cartoons, despite off-handedly mentioning that he lived out of his car or created a work of cartoon art that, due to it's cumbersome size, is unlikely to be seen by anyone who doesn't show up at his home, Theo Ellsworth completely fails to come across as someone with a trace of foolish arrogance.  He's just an artist, and he's completely content to let the work stand on its own.

The Capacity collection consists of Theo's various Capacity mini-comics, along with a interweaving bridging story that consists, for the most part, of a substitute author who leads another character (one that is constantly referred to by a blank line that the reader is supposed to fill in with their own name) through the various chapters, most of which consist of reprints of the mini-comics.  From a weight of sheer page count, the longest official "story" in Capacity is probably the bridging sections which also serve as bookends to the narrative.  For what they are, the bridging sections are probably the true test of the reader--they end up being more baldly honest then anything else in Capacity, and their very nature could end up being more precious then some readers can handle.  This reader didn't have a problem with them--but still, it's completely understandable that some comics fans may have reached their limit of how much time they want to spend with this kind of sincerity. 

The remainder of Capacity though--and here's where all that time in the 20-something tea party of whimsy pays off--is the mini-comics themselves.  Theo's greatest strengths lays in his cartooning, and when the guy starts drawing these gigantic fantasy structures, these gargantuan Aztec-looking statues covered in slides and highways, it makes for a brilliant experience.  It helps that Theo embraces one solid fact throughout, a simple one that would benefit anyone who tries to spend their time creating fantasy architecture: make sure that the fantastic has logic.   No matter how easy it would be for Ellsworth to just draw his intricate structures with no rhyme or reason, he takes the time to construct some kind of convoluted--yet wholly accurate--Rube Goldberg structure, often by way of the smooth plastic of the old Mousetrap board game.  Sure, these mazes, these slides and pennywhistle compounds that end up looking like some kind of alien oil rig on Jack Kirby's Apokolips--they couldn't ever be "real."  But they've got weight to them, and the path the little substitute character takes is one that makes sense.  You can trace it with your finger--and if the odd little pieces of text are to be believed, Ellsworth would probably like it much better if you did.  On top of that, there's pages of the things, and yet he's smart enough to split them up between his own renditions of the classic indi-comics anthology staples--here's a couple of unfunny gag panels about a He-Man type character named Voltan, here's his rejected anthology submission (an overwrought anti-war poem that's as frankly honest as it is lazily repellent), here's his random take on commercials for fake products--and then it's back to the structures.  By the time Theo gets around to telling stories--odd dream riffs about a seven year party that was over in seconds, or an attempt by the heart and brain to meet separately to plan the capture of dreams--the overall weight of the book's honesty becomes apparent.  More then just an attempt to capture the mundane fancy of a meal, or a boring relationship, Capacity makes the entirety of its author's mind the focus, and then chooses to tell the story as frankly as possible.  While it's a comic that probably won't end up making it to the home of as many readers as it deserves, it's a damn fine one, and it's a testament to good taste that the Secret Acres company is putting this much care into something that too few care about.

-Tucker Stone, 2008
This review was based on a complimentary copy from the publisher.

Music Of The Weak: State Of The Union (Part One)

When Mike Skinner quietly dropped Original Pirate Material, his debut album as The Streets in 2002, things felt as if pop music had suddenly turned a corner.  Skinner’s homemade beats, though clearly built upon 80’s rap records and the never-quite-took-off trend of UK Garage, signified a commitment to the DIY song-smithing that had spent a couple of years bubbling under the current shiny pop scene, but sounded as histrionic as anything by The Backstreet Boys or recent solo star Justin Timberlake.  The persona Skinner cultivated on that album juggled drugs and booze, picked fights, talked shit, and generally came off as an unctuous, typical 21 year old.  The internet, in particular, greeted Skinner with tremendous excitement, as if he were The Future.

Last week, Mike Skinner released Everything Is Borrowed, The Streets’ fourth—and if his retirement statements are to be believed, penultimate—album.  The arrangements, while still as clever as those on the first album, fully tip the balance from ramshackle-with-populist-leanings into blatantly syrupy—with emphasis on choirs, orchestral horns and glam-rock guitar solos.  The disarmingly baffled dude from Original Pirate Material has disappeared; as has the guy who spent his entire second album, A Grand Don’t Come For Free, searching for answers to practical questions (Where did my money go?  Why is my TV broken?  Is my girlfriend cheating on me?), only to end up with a philosophical one: “No one’s really there fighting for you in the last garrison/ No one except yourself that is.”  Skinner’s replaced him with a new-age-y chap who’s got all the answers: “I came to this world with nothing/ I’ll leave with nothing but love.”  Even the moments where Skinner hints at his earlier wastoid tendencies sound more like action movie tag-lines than the hard-earned discoveries on those first couple of albums.  Would Mike Skinner circa 2002 even want to hang with 2008-era Mike Skinner?

Then there’s The Hold Steady, whose first two albums became critical successes largely because of their refreshingly bar-band-like guitar licks; intricate, song-spanning storylines; and Craig Finn’s endlessly quotable lyrics (“She came off kinda spicy but she tasted like those pickle chips;” “I like to party on the problem bus/ And I can’t stand it when the banging stops;” “I met William Butler Yeats/ Sunday night dance party summer 1988/ At first I thought he was William Blake”—I could do this all day.)  2006’s breakthrough album, Boys & Girls In America, tweaked the formula to make their Boss-endebtedness more overt and allow for more crowd participation at their (incredible without exception) live shows—in the form of call-and-responses and lighter-wavers.  At this point, the goodwill The Hold Steady had built up over the course of their early years exploded into full-on hype, and the band seemed to have found a sweet spot in their sound where they could both retain their artistic legacy and expand their fan base (who are strikingly young considering all of the band members are in their 30’s.)  It would have worked, too, if this year’s Stay Positive hadn’t been a shallow compendium of drinking slogans and power ballads—which Finn even tries to rationalize this with a declaration in album-opener “Constructive Summer”: “Our songs are sing-along songs.”

Or how about our boy Lil’ Wayne, who rode legitimate mic skills, unrelenting productivity, and immense likability into unparalleled ubiquity via a series of increasingly bonkers mixtapes—available in all corners of the web?  In a rare position—think Jay-Z circa 2001, B.I.G. circa 1997, Public Enemy circa 1989—to absolutely blow the world away with an album, he came out with June’s The Carter III, a paint-by-numbers late-decade rap record.  Kanye collab?  Check.  Jay-Z guest spot?  Check.  Swizz Beats, T-Pain, Cool & Dre, Alchemist, Busta Rhymes?  You know it.  Complaints about the album may range from inconsistency to a general lack of anything exciting going on, but, at base, there’s nothing truly, horribly wrong with The Carter III—Weezy plays it way too safe for that.  Apparently, that’s what we’ve come to expect from those widely regarded as our most valuable artists.

The Streets, The Hold Steady and Lil’ Wayne aren’t the only major artists who blew their chances to put out special albums this year—add My Morning Jacket, Hot Chip, and (though they’re not exactly my steez) Of Montreal to that list.  Bands taking a quality dive at crucial points in their career is nothing new, yet each of these bands in particular shares something that is, relatively—their successes are each defined, in some way, by their relationship to the internet.  The Streets blew up among a small army of brand new bloggers hungry for what was next; The Hold Steady legitimately parlayed the critical attention it received (mostly from Minneapolis-based music journalists enamored with  Finn and guitarist Tad Kubler’s former band, Lifter Puller) into actual attention; and Lil’ Wayne gave it away for free until he got the internet—and subsequently, the world—hooked.

Up until very recently, the internet has blessed popular-music artists more than any other art form:  The distribution and dissemination of music has become easier; the playing ground has nearly been leveled between major-label artists, independent-label artists, and no-label artists; communication with fans has never been easier, and building a fan base has been increasingly crucial in breaking new acts; means of making music are easier to come by; genres and sub-genres have multiplied, seemingly by the day; world markets have opened up; things have gotten pretty damn exciting.  Yet, it’s difficult to deny that popular music right now is an absolute mess: compelling music seems hard to find; the most visible taste-making websites look more and more like a series of press releases; artists rely more on familiarity than innovation.  Right now, my iPod holds 992 songs from 2008.  Not one of them would make it onto a list of my favorite 100 songs of the decade, whereas 8 from 2007 and 10 from 2006 would.  I scan the internet regularly for new music, and rarely these days does something rise up as absolutely great (most recent find: Gang Gang Dance’s “House Jam.”)

It hasn’t always been that way.  2000, the year Napster thrived, saw breakthrough, forward-thinking music from Amon Tobin, At the Drive-In, The Avalanches, Badly Drawn Boy, Boards of Canada, Capleton, Clinic, Craig David, D’Angelo, Daft Punk, De La Soul, Doves, Eminem, Fatboy Slim, Ghostface Killah, Godspeed You Black Emperor!, Grandaddy, Lifter Puller, Luomo, Madonna, Modest Mouse, OutKast, Phoenix, Quasimoto, Radiohead, The White Sripes, Wu-Tang Clan, and dozens of others that may or may not fit into my own personal groove.  Compare that to last year, when the greatest successes came from artists refining their own personal sound—like Jay-Z, Radiohead, Iron & Wine, The National, and Spoon—or riffing on familiar sounds in exciting ways—like Kathy Diamond, Sean Price, and Feist.  That’s why Animal Collective handily took the number-one spot in our 2007 year-end albums list—they stuck out as a forward-thinking group amongst an army of tinkerers.

The majority of artists hyped by blogs and music websites these days sound acutely reminiscent of past artists and trends.  Of course, a good number of any year’s best albums share that characteristic.  Albums by Fleet Foxes, Cut Copy, and Jamie Lidell sound great on their own merits—yet rely heavily on past touchstones.  But amidst the pastoral folk, new wave and blue-eyed soul that set the tones for those records throb a capella rounds, DFA experimentalism, and electronic funk—styles scarcely found amongst their peers.  Fleet Foxes, Cut Copy and Jamie Lidell temper their genre-homages with keen innovation—not to mention sheer songwriting chops.  More and more frequently, however, lesser artists merely cobble together handfuls of blog-friendly trends in order to find themselves recipients of hype disproportional to their talents.  In the last couple of months, Deerhunter, No Age, The Ruby Suns, Times New Viking, Department of Eagles, and just about every band with Crystal in their name have benefited from that strategy.

The internet popularity of mediocre artists who take few musical risks and the recent tendency for formerly risk-taking artists to reign in their less conventional ideas: Artists are learning to game the system.  It used to be that dips in quality would result from artists turning their songwriting sensibilities towards larger markets.  Now, instead of pandering to the crowd that will buy the most recent records, they pander towards instant gratification.  The internet provides artist with immediate access to fans and feedback, so they learn to gear their songs toward that feedback.  The Streets and The Hold Steady, for example, misunderstand their own strengths.  They think their audience wants more barroom philosophy a la "Dry Your Eyes" or more songs they can drink and chant "I'm gonna walk around and drink some more" to, because their fans think that's what they want.  So bands that used to have their own voice lose the hard-earned truths they built their style upon.  Bands like Deerhunter, who are entirely dependent on a relationship with the internet--setting up their own blogs, releasing copious amounts of music directly to their fans--may not have ever had that style in the first place.  In this era it's more than possible to be an indie band and still sell out.

-Martin Brown, 2008

The Virgin Read: Jesus Christ, Nina.

Captain America # 43
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Luke Ross, Fabio Laguna & Frank D'Armata
Published by Marvel Comics

When the Virgin Read began, Captain America had just died, and it didn’t seem like a good “first read.”  Now some time has gone by, everyone’s accepted his passing as well as this new Captain America, and so it seemed like a good time to check it out.

It’s a fine, fine read.  It really is Iconic War Comic Book-ness.  As you all have most likely already gleaned from my other reviews, I grew up in the 70's, and that means I watched a lot of re-runs from the 60's.  Now, this comic isn't necessarily anything like those, but honestly, Hogan’s Heroes and McHale’s Navy kept popping into my head as I read this.  I had a time trying to squelch the memories of my cousin and his gosh darn G.I. Joe dolls that he always wanted to play with.  (Why?  It wasn't because "I was a different kind of girl, and I wanted to play with G.I. Joe and he wouldn't share."  Oh no.  He wanted to share.  He was all about sharing that kind of stupid crap.  It was like "Barbies for Boys."  God, I didn’t dig playing with Barbies in the first place.  Joe, Barbie, they're both dolls, and dolls are pretty boring.  A nailgun, sure.  But dolls?) 

Looking at the characters in this book I could clearly see them as action figures.  So there was a bit of a struggle to go through here, but like Mr. Captain Metal Arm America, I struggled through.  I'd even say that I triumphed.

Not so much because of the characters though--honestly, they're just okay--but the story was good.  Clear to understand, despite me not speaking French, but whatever, I got the gist.  I can tell that there's a lot of back story here, a history I'm not aware of, but I felt that whatever I needed to know was clearly told, clearly illustrated--if I needed to know something, there it was, on the page.  Even then, it still kept me engaged, because there was never too much revealed at once.  I never got bored or wanted to take a break, which is saying something.  

I did have some questions though, not having to do with the plot.  When they’re in Shanghai in 1942, walking around in trench coats….where did Captain America’s shield come from?  There was no big circular object protruding from underneath his jacket.  Was it folded up in his pocket?  I kind of got the impression that it was bulletproof--can bulletproof stuff fold up?  (Hey, I don't shoot people, how would I know?)

Then there's this...stuff around Bucky’s eyes?  Was it supposed to be a mask?  Was it make-up?  What’s the purpose?  You can still see who he is!  And then at the end of this book, I find out that he was completely recognizable 66 years later.  What’s the story there?

Present day:  check out his arm!  What IS that?  You know, I’m sure its all part of his Captain America deal, but I couldn’t help wondering while he was standing there talking to the naked lady, the really hot naked lady, the one who wanted him to come to bed...what is it like to have sex with a guy who has that kind of arm?  Can you ever really get used to that?  Can you imagine trying to talk yourself into it, telling yourself "I'll get used to it?"  Look, that arm--that arm is NEVER getting better.  You're laying there, being held by one warm, muscled human arm and one cold, weird machine arm?   That can't feel good.  You can't want to touch it, or want to be touched by it.  Does it--I don't want to be gross--but does he "use" it? Couldn't he just leave that arm on the pillow, or in the closet, or another state, and just do everything with the right one?

Eww, just imagine that hand running over your back.  It would feel like you were with a reptile or something.

Oh.  Wait.  It could have some very useful possibilities.  All right.  I’ll just leave it at that for now. 

(Okay, that was gross.  Sorry.)

So, back to the story – I’m interested to know the connection of the brainiac in Shanghai to the mysterious Chinaman with the very pointy, gray thumbnail (see last page) at the end of the book.  I’d read this comic again, definitely.  It's not demanding me to suspend too much disbelief, nor is it trying to get me to follow too many things.  It’s a clear story with a protagonist, an antagonist, a little love, a little intrigue and a lot of fighting.  It's written in clearly developed scenes, and only jumps around in time and place in a consistent way that actually adds to my enjoyment.  So, my first time with Captain America was pretty good. 

Except for that arm.

-Nina Stone, 2008

Comics Of The Weak: Insular Navel Gazing Unfunny Inside-Joke Machine GO

Criminal # 6
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Sean Phillips & Val Staples
Published by Icon/Marvel Comics

I'd heard this series was profoundly tolerable by many a sage, and having a bit of free time on the old "hands" I thought I'd give it a quick, er, paper shake, as it were.

Pretty disappointing stuff.  First off, the dialog is altogether mundane, rather like a distilled version of Law & Order through the mouth of Donald Westlake characters, and second?  The art?  I don't know anything about how Criminal normally looks, because I only read manga and Winsor McCay, but this Val Staples guy can't draw for shit.  All his characters have this blocky quality that makes it look like a Charlie Brown story where all the people are constructed out of rusty squares.  It just doesn't move me.  On top of that, the layouts are just blandly designed, more thrown on the page then actually placed there with any care or forethought.  It ends up reading like a crappy episode of Colombo with all the Peter Falk portions cut out, leaving behind little more then stock characters in a derivative "man betrayed by femme fatale" plot. It's no Little Nemo in Wonderland, that's for goddamn sure.

Daredevil # 112
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Michael Lark, Stefano Gaudiano & Matt Hollingsworth
Published by Marvel Comics

Another chapter in the ongoing study of pointlessness for mouth-breathing super hero addicts that doesn't deserve to be classified alongside Daniel Clowes' flawless Ghost World, which may be the finest statement ever made in comic book art (if not for Chris Ware's brilliant oeuvre), released by Marvel "Comics," a publisher that is second only to the devil himself in the unethical department.  Featuring Lady Bullseye.  I can't be bothered to even look beyond the cover.  It's obviously nowhere near the level of Mark Waid's Captain America run.

Also, you should use a bank and get a credit card.  I have a kid.

Final Crisis # 4
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Carlos Pacheco, JG Jones, Jesus Merino & Alex Sinclair
Published by DC Comics

WOW, there is a lot going on here, definitely a comic book people are talking about huh?  Whether it's a missed kiss between Ollie and Dinah (Ollie! Pay attention to your wife!) or a scary-as-hell Wonder Woman handling the "recruitment drive" for Darkseid, Final Crisis # 4 is a big deal and this has already been one crazy summer.  There's almost too much going on here, and due to a crazy schedule here at the ole' Factual headquarters (deadlines, Grrrr!) I'll have to deal with this in a later essay.  Slow posting for the rest of the evening...What do YOU think?

Final Crisis Submit
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Matthew Clark, Norm Rapmund, Rob Hunter, Don Ho, Richard & Tanya Horie
Published by DC Comics

Alphonso:  Look, the art in this is fucking awful.  It's so goddamn hideous to look at, so poorly designed in structure, that it actually serves to obscure what happens to be a pretty generic action movie script.  I guess I was supposed to get so distracted by the shitty pencil work that I wouldn't notice I've seen this plot before, and it was better when Jared Leto was involved.

Theodore:  I think your usage of the word "awful" is a trifle suspect.  Awful in what sense?  It achieves the goal of defining the characters so that I might use my human eyes to distinguish that one is Black Lightning while the other, what one might call "a doubler," is the Tattooed Man.  The story, a gentle throwback to the almost neo-Eastern beach of the past, is one that is quite striking in its simplicity--a man must deliver the paper, but he must save the American family as well, and if he is to sacrifice himself, not his life, but his Very Soul, to do so, then One Is Introduced To Hope by the "lifting of burdens" that the Tattooed man performs.  As the ex-villains wife says "He was a super-hero all along." Are we not all super-heroes when we see hope and honor smote before us?

Alphonso:  What?  Look, even if all that ridiculously convoluted shit is there, which it fucking isn't, it's not a well constructed piece of fiction, it's unattractive to look at, and even if it is replete with some kind of goddamn "meaning," it's a stupid meaning anyway.  A fucking super-hero wants to deliver the newspaper but he isn't tough enough to fight off a bunch of super-dogs and a two-bit loser is inspired by his sacrifice to finish the newspaper delivery job?  That's not deep.  That's not thematic.  That's a simple A to B story, and this fails to even tell it well.

Theodore:  I don't appreciate you calling the Tattooed Man a "two-bit loser."  He's a character with a rich, multi-textured history, and I'm certain there's a metaphorical meaning to his existence.  I have yet to check further, but that's indicative of the lack of high-quality academic criticism on the character--which is no slight to the character, but part of my current distaste for the lack of serious anaylsis regarding super-hero comics.  Few of our fellow "critics" seem to realize that they are doing the entire media (mediums?) a disservice by their, for lack of a better term, "bellyaching."

Alphonso:  Well, why don't you fucking cry about it some more, and I'm sure somebody will find the time to write a dissertation on the second iteration of the fucking Tattooed Man.  Jesus Christ, he's just another on of those jackfuck DC characters with no discernible explanation for what he can or can't do that Grant Morrison can use as a walking plot device.  It's a Swiss Army character, one that'll always have the perfect tool for whatever narrative hole he dives into.

Theodore:  I think we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Alphonso:  Theodore, I'd rather run you over with a fucking car then agree with you on anything.

The New Avengers # 46
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Billy Tan, Matt Banning & Justin Ponsor
Published by Marvel Comics

In the interest of helping the mainstream comics industry by pretending that they publish good stuff and pretending even harder that they have other stuff which is exactly the same as what's been determined "good stuff" but is somehow deemed not as good, usually because it has something in it that is offensive in the abstract sense that the world would be a better place if everybody would smile more often while holding hands and giggling, it should be said that the New Avengers is a comic book featuring super-villains who wear color costumes and has a big final page reveal (don't worry!  spoiler-free zone here!) where it is revealed that one of the characters, the one with a name that rhymes with "The Good" happens to be a sort of human vessel for an old school Dr. Strange villain who's name rhymes with Mormmamu.  By having these things, things like costumes and recognizable characters, New Avengers is the sort of stuff that makes super-hero comics so great.  Make sure to turn off your brain while reading it.

Secret Invasion # 7
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Lenil Yu, Mark Morales, Laura Martin & Emilly Warren
Published by Marvel Comics

Recently reviewed by me here: Secret Invasion #7, about which I write the following sentences: "This comic is so good.  It is drawn so good, and the art that is made out of the drawings is so good, that it doesn't even need words.  It does have words which makes it even better and makes it even better art too.  There have been a bunch of people saying that they wish this comic was better before when it came out six times but i didn't agree with them then.  But now I have to say that this one makes those other ones look like they weren't as good as they could have been because this one has everything you read a superhero comic for like big fight scenes and drawings of big fight scenes man it is so good, maybe the best marvel comic except for Ms. Marvel or 1602 if thats even possible."

You just read the entire review HERE.

Unknown Soldier # 1
Written by Joshua Dysart
Art by Alberto Ponticelli & Oscar Celestini
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

I couldn't decide what comic I should read this week, and I picked this one even though it had a gross cover just because I felt pretty sure it wouldn't be about super-heroes, and I hate super-heroes.

And wow.

This is really violent, at the end here.  And the art is pretty good.  And the story is pretty okay, I guess, but it sort of reminded me of a television show.  It would be better as a television show?

You know, this comic is really colorful.  It didn't make me tired or anything.

So I guess check it out I don't know?

Nick Fury Agent of Shield # 1
Written by Bob Harras
Art by Bob Hall, Kim DeMulder & Bernie Jaye
Published by Marvel Comics, 1989

Every week, I go to the comic book store and spend a bunch of money that I then complain about not having later so that I can take home a bunch of comic books that I don't enjoy reading and then I write gloomy sad posts about how much I miss the original Infinity Incorporated comic which Todd McFarlane used to draw and I've been doing this for like 15 years and even though now that I have the internet and I've made so many awesome comic friends I am tired of being sad all the time and it feels like I am paying somebody money every week for them to punch me in the face and you know what i think im not going to do that anymore.  Oh and this old Nick Fury comic is almost unreadable, it's just that bad.  But they do kill Dum Dum Dugan and his whore wife in it and that part made me happy because it reminded me that cheap superhero comics about dumb bullshit villains killing side characters goes back a lot longer then the summer of 2005.

-Tucker Stone, 2008

Economist Versus Idiot: Just Another Dead Nazi

The World Last Week

[Ed: Another late one, apologies]

-Azerbaijan had another election.  Another fraudulent, unfair election.

-China ordered another official recall of milk and milk products made before September 14th.  Good job jumping right on top of this one.  The world is so impressed by your timely concern.

-Another evacuation of Iraqi Christians occurred, this time in Mosul following the murder of twelve by Sunni Muslims.

-The United Arab Emirates are getting into the bank bail out action, pledging an additional $19 billion.  Hey--if everybody else is doing it, why not have everybody else do it.

-Or you could just go the Russian route and stop customers from withdrawing funds, which is exactly what the Russian government did to those who were worried that Globex was going to collapse.

-Last weeks "face value" piece must've given Sheila Bair a feeling of power, as the head of America's FDIC decided to break ranks and openly criticize the American bail-out plan for not helping more homeowners avoid foreclosure.

-They had to add another digit to that "national debt clock" they have in New York.  Not sure why.

-According to a bipartisan report, Sarah Palin did use all the powers of government at hand to get her sisters ex-husband fired from his job as an Alaskan state trooper.  If true, totally unethical.  That aside, I have a sister, and if some ex of hers had threatened her with violence, I think I would've enjoyed the opportunity of getting him fired from his job.  Not saying that makes it okay--just saying it's yet another reason why I should never be elected governor of Alaska.  I'm totally unethical.  And dumb!

-Citigroup has decided that they want to fight Wells Fargo's acquisition of Wachovia, which has gone from an ugly prom date with consumption to a hottie with potential, yet one who still has consumption.

-Henry Paulson admitted that, like most Americans, he didn't find the prospect of investing $250 billion in the countries banks appetizing, but pointed out that it wasn't like most Americans had come up with a better plan.  Also, his old football nickname is "The Hammer."  Bring it.

Leaders

-In cursory fashion, it's been noted here that the Economist has been one of the few canaries screaming that the current economic crisis has been in the cards for years, but that doesn't do much to lessen what has to be one of the most unique op-eds they've published--namely, one that goes all the way back 165 years to talk about the principles that founded the magazine:  economic liberty.  (Originally they wrote extensively against protectionist corn laws, if you care.)  The article itself exists for one reason, and that's to say that capitalism will, and must, survive whatever is to come as the economic crisis takes its toll.  For a newspaper that prides itself on what is often derided as a detached, clinical tone, this is one of the most passionate articles I've seen it publish.

-Hey, I haven't seen the word "pusillanimity" dropped in--well, probably not since I read some Harold Bloom, he's just about the only person I can think of who keeps that one in their wheelhouse.  It shows up here, in this pointed critique of the European Union's apparent decision to go ahead and negotiate a new trading partnership with Russia despite them still clearly occupying portions of Georgia.  (And even though this specific article is a week old, the Russian military is still, under orders directly from Vladimir Putin, not permitting civilian EU observers into South Ossetia and Abkhazia.)  While the trading partnerships with Russia are an obvious necessity for EU countries, as the majority of Europeans are unlikely to be willing to forcibly enter an energy crisis (which would ensue immediately without Russian oil), the lack of EU spine is, even from a kind standpoint, pathetic.

-Last week, I whined that the Economist had nothing to say about the current state of Zimbabwe, which is, as you probably are aware, "shitty."  They don't print my letters, but they must read them spiritually, because here's an article that calls upon the age-old wisdom of Axl Rose, demanding that South Africa's new leaders "step into the ring."  You can pretty much guess what they want--somebody to stand up to Mugabe--but that doesn't make the op-ed any less valuable.  Here's the way I see it:  you don't stop talking about putting a leash on Mugabe until it happens.  The dude has gotten away with this shit for too long.

-Here's a long briefing piece about the Caucasus, one that actually quotes a lyric from that old Pavement song on that weirdly seminal anthology No Alternative, which at one point supplanted Appetite for Destruction as the CD that every white boy in high school had, despite it having a Sarah Mclachlan song on it.  If you care to know about the countries that Russia may invade before they invade them, then hey:  I'm your huckleberry.

Letters

-Although I quite like this old joke, brought to the letters column by Steve Brickle, I recognize that's because I'm a fucking nerd:  "There are three kinds of economists:  those that can count and those that can't."  In all honesty though, not much comes close to trumping Lieutenant-Colonel Mark Brown, who writes in to say that a poorly attributed quote from a recent interview with Joseph Rouge led to a minor scandal in the US congressional and Defense Department offices.  It's a nice wrist slap from a guy who could've been a lot meaner.

United States

-According to the Economist, as well as--well, probably any and everybody except John McCain's mother--Barack Obama won the last debate, which makes for a full sweep.  However, the Economist points out that the third debate--like all the others preceding it--still failed to produce a cogent and succinct answer to the question of how the financial crisis and the ensuing bank bail-out will change all the new spending programs that both candidates continue to trumpet.  Part of that is a mugs game--if John McCain does win, little of what he has to offer is capable of making it past what is quite clearly going to be a Democratic House and Senate--but it doesn't change the obvious truth that neither men ever tackled the question with any sort of depth or honesty.  But then again, nobody probably expected them to--as the Economist acknowledged weeks ago, debates are a game of rhetoric.

-Here's some fact checking on recent statements by Obama and McCain.  (Due to what I can only imagine is this articles personal politics, the McCain example is less controversial, but that's the way it goes with the Economist.)

Statement:  Obama claims that John McCain "sold out" factory workers in Pennsylvania when the factory closed and the equipment was sent to China.  (McCain had voted against cracking down on China's unfair trade practices.)

Fact:  The factory made cathode ray tubes.  Of course it closed down.  It made cathode ray tubes.  Also, the equipment that went to China?  Spare machine parts.  Also, the Chinese?  Not making cathode ray tubes either.

Statement:  McCain claimed that he stood up to Ronald Reagen over sending marines to Beirut.

Fact:  That would have been quite a feat, because Reagen had already sent the marines to Lebanon before McCain was elected to Congress.  (He did later vote against extending their deployment.)

-Lexington produced the most interesting American article in his itemized column about what John McCain would have to do to win, in that magic world where McCain's advisors (or any Presidential candidate in recent memory) were as smart as Lexington.  First up, McCain should be focusing his negative attack ads on Barack Obama's lack of serious ties with American business, second, that it does no good for America to have single-party rule, especially when facing an economic climate that demands broad negotiation, third--and honestly, I think McCain is already doing this one enough (and it isn't working out for him) focus on Barack Obama's lack of experience standing up to the Democratic party.  While the polls don't indicate that McCain will be President in his current lifetime, Lexington's article is still pretty jazzy stuff.

-The percentage of American wages that employers have to contribute for health insurance has gone up about 7% since 1960--half of that in the last decade alone--and it is estimated to go up another 6% next year.  While "conventional economic theory" leads the argument that the expense shouldn't be one of major difference to commercial employers, as they've either got to pay employees or pay for insurance, the expanding relationship with a global economy (a global economy that doesn't pay anywhere near as much tax to support state health systems as America does) is beginning to shift the previous support that industry had given to the American health care system.  It's a valuable article, this one--and it's an indication of yet another possible shift in a long-running portion of the American system being led by commerce.  As was brought up in The Economist months ago, every major car manufacturer in the world is racing to bring both hybrid and full-electric cars to market, but not because of government sponsored tax rebates, glowering maverick politicians or golden tongued preachers of hopes.  Simply because it's the smarter thing to do for business--and if the health insurance system in America changes as well, it looks like industry will be the ones responsible for that as well.

The Americas

-The people of Canada didn't give Stephen Harper a majority in parliament, but they didn't kick him and his Conservative party out of office.  Him sticking around is exactly what the Economist wanted, so they seem pleasantly happy and would like to spend two pages telling you why.  I can't tell you if that's worth your time, and I'm not going to gild the lily on this one:  this is one boring article.  Canadian local news must be really tragic.

-The economic crisis didn't strike Brazil and Mexico until October 6th, but when it did--it hit far harder then anyone expected.  Within days, the value of the Brazilian real and Mexican peso plunged, and foreign investors began clearing the countries, selling whatever Latin American assets they had.  While things have roughly stabilized for now, it's dependent on how long the governments will be capable of borrowing whether or not this was the worst they'll experience or not.

-After almost five years, 13 Caribbean countries (including Dominican Republic, Suriname & Guyana) finally finished negotiations with the European Union and approved the Economic Partnership Agreement.  The EPA will guarantee that all Caribbean exports are duty-free to EU importers, in return, the Caribbean countries will have gotten rid of 87% of their own duties on EU imports by 2033.  It's an interesting agreement, and although the article can only guess at the future ramifications, worth keeping an eye on.

Asia

-Conflict in Thailand between anti-government (and pro-monarchy) protesters and, well, whomever they can find on the streets to fight with continued.  The government was finally able to get the police involved, only for them to be attacked by protesters.  The end result--hospitalization on both sides--was then followed by public support from Queen Sirikit and Princess Chulabhorn for a dead protester, in stark contrast to a September death the royal family had ignored.  After a bit of an outcry, the Queen extended some concern towards the injured police officers as well, but the intent of the royal family to sit on the sidelines and watch the violence continue was clear.  This will not end well.

-Yes, the government of North Korea released some pictures of Kim Jong Il, standing in some kind of garden.  (If it matters, his recent illness does not appear to have changed his bizarre appearance.)  Almost immediately upon release, both South Korean and American spies released their botanical analysis, saying that the picture looks to be months old.  The rest of the article is about how North Korea is finally off the "sponsor terrorism" list, due to them passing out some (though nowhere near all) details about their nuclear program.  George Bush has, in a totally ironic moment of audaciousness, taken the credit for it as a "rare foreign policy success," when even the most jingofied American has to realize that any credit is due to the participation of the Chinese government in the negotiations, as well as the horrific rate of starvation that's become endemic across North Korea in recent months.

-Meanwhile, as the American presidential election rages on and the financial crisis continues to wreak havoc, Afghanistan continues it's prolific spiral downward into a blood soaked hell.  (Okay, now that's some histrionic exaggeration.)  Or maybe it isn't.  Besides the Taliban and their allies utilizing the dual pronged approach of both suicide bombing and direct attack on American strongholds, the Americans and British have failed to build anything comparable to the Iraqi national army, instead propping up a meager Afghan police force with deputized bandits.  Additional airborne slaughter of civilians, both Afghan and Pakistani alike, has served as the best insurgent recruitment platform possible.  On top of that, the Dutch, the Canadians and, by many accounts, the British as well, have set in motion plans to abandon the conflict.  A new plan is needed if this adventure is to continue--a new plan that is clearly being made to wait until the White House officially changes hands.  As the Economist points out, that may be too long.

Middle East and Africa

-In the category which is news stories that rarely change, the champion of 2008 might be the West Bank--has any major development happened there since January?  Here's the Economist's take on the coming struggle between possible prime minister Tzipi Livni and the Israeli settlers in the region.  The number of settlements and settlers has grown exponentially while the government sat back, hoping the problem of illegally placed homes would solve itself through....hope?  Blind optimism?  Stupidity?  Now, the conflict between an Israeli government and it's own citizens may finally be given the spotlight.

-After last weeks "let's all be positive about Africa" tea party, it's time once again to stick your face into the meat blender called the Congo and see how the other half lives.  To be more specific, oh shit that's great, the Congo and Rwanda are driving lockstep down a highway towards full tilt war--and let's all remember that war in Africa makes Abu Gharib photography look like a toddler's tea party.  Part of the cause can be nailed, Martin Luther style, to the door of the United Nations, who have shown no realistic sign that they'll be sending the agreed-upon thousands of peacekeepers to Darfur.  The rest is pretty much back to the breakdown of January's peace deal which has resulted in a full scale war between Tutsi rebels and Congolese army.  On top of that, the Democratic Forces for the Liberation of Rwanda continues to wander around picking fights wherever they can, something that's pretty much their modus operandi:  they are, after all, made up of the exact same Hutu extremists that were behind the 1994 genocide in Rwanda.  (Oh yeah.  None of those guys ever went to jail or anything.)  Nasty stuff.  Thank goodness the world doesn't care unless there's a Don Cheadle movie to watch.

-There are two place-filler articles in the Middle East section this week, one that's time-intensive and the other that could be placed in just about any issue the Economist publishes this year.  Nice build up, and here they are:  a short, almost non-informative piece about the climax of Nigeria's durbar, a parade that just ended in the city of Kano, and the other, a background/current status piece on the island of Mauritius, which is about 1,100 miles off the coast of East Africa.  Building off a history of sugar cane, they've survived the 2005 collapse of a hometown textile industry and continue to, as the magazine puts it, "confound the skeptics."

Europe

-Huge bank bail outs?  Let's boil it down.

France will give forty billion Euros to fill up bank's empty coffers, as well as guarantee 320 billion euros in loans.  The loans come with the allowance for the French government to control bosses' pay.  Unlike America or Britain, French banks aren't immediately getting in line--they've only bailed out a small bank so far, and that was one that was half Belgian.  (Of course, if you think Barack Obama is a socialist, then you probably have to look at France as--I don't know the history of communism.  Come up with a extreme version of communism, like anarcho-syndicalism, and that's what some people probably think France is.)

Germany will guarantee 400 billion euros so that banks can loan to each other, and their immediate cash refill will top out at 80 billion euros.  Germany is also serving up the most optimistic take on the whole crisis, listing all their deals as ending smack at the end of 2009.  Unlikely, but hey.  Hope is fun.

Italy is still dicking around, arguing that hedge funds should be abolished worldwide, that the World Bank and the IMF should be given a stronger hand in controlling global finance, and also calling for all men to wear christmas tree ornaments from their testicles.  Well, maybe not the last one, but it's about as likely as the rest of their "ideas."  Jesus, Italy.  Do you even think before you open your mouth?

Spain is actually doing alright--no banks need bailing out so far.  Of course, they don't have that far to go, since they are a Socialist-led country already, so it's not like nationalizing industry won't go over well.  But behind the curtain of the future, take a look at the shrinking Spanish economy, the already-burst housing bubble and an explosive unemployment rate--and Spain starts looking pretty rough as well.

-German schools are bad, bad, bad, so bad that they could watch the fourth season of the Wire and pretty much think "God, that looks amazing, let's be more like that."  The German people know this as well, which is definitely part of the reason for the above mentioned stance that the financial crisis will be over by 12/31/09--it has to be, because Germany's main problem after the repair of banks is going to be their complete lack of a working population with the ability to read or do simple mathematics.  There's a lot of bold ideas in the offering--this article handles quite a few--but no indication that the conservative educators controlling the purse strings are taking it as seriously as they should.

-Italian schools aren't looking much better, but at least they are taking it totally seriously:  the big plan on tap is to bring back the grembiuli, which is a smock.  For kids to wear.  Apparently, in Italy, when facing a problem with education that's partly due to a supreme rule by unions, part terrible test scores, and part a terrible payment structure for educators, the way the government responds is by making everybody dress like Plato.  Genius.

Britain

-Not a lot in the British section this week, so let's deal quickly and move on, with a nod of respect:  Scottish independence may be back on the cooker for a while, since Scotland is fiscally incapable of handling the cost of the bank bailouts by itself, Bagehot is quietly furious that Gordon Brown is reaping some positive public relations for his work in the financial crisis (god, Bagehot is pissed), and once again, it's time for another "dear God the worst is yet to come for the British economy" articles.  As this financial crisis drags on, I continue to wonder when it's going to come that I open to this section and it's just a drawing of the London Parliament on fire, with Gordon Brown running around naked and cackling.  The Economist seems to think that might be in the cards.

International

-Hey, when you get down worrying about the financial crisis, bloodshed in the Middle East, bloodshed in Iraq, bloodshed in Africa, Russian invasions, who you're going to cry to when your presidential candidate loses, who you're going to cry to when your presidential candidate wins but doesn't fix your gutters, make sure you carve out some time to be all concerned and stuff about the extinction of all different kinds of animals.  Alternatively, get drunk and catch up on The Shield.  Walt Goggins is blowing minds weekly.

-Okay, the basic premise of these rundowns is that I'm not very smart, which is totally true and not a put-on: I'm not very smart.  So somebody who is--tell me why the Economist keep saying "jaw-jaw is better than war-war?"  It's the third time I've seen the phrase come up in six months, and sure, I bet I could google it--hell, you can google anything.  But that's cheating.  What the hell does it mean?  And one more thing:  no more of these short, poorly thought out articles about religions talking to each other but not accomplishing anything.  Either a long one or nothing. 

Business

-How much longer can Carrefour, the world's second largest retailer, last?  The board may fire their current chief executive, profits have fallen short of expectations for three years running and the share price has dropped by 50% since the beginning of the year.  The only possible solution may be slashing prices, which Carrefour has never fully participated in doing, and even then, too much ground may have already been lost.  It'll be interesting to see if "second largest retailer" puts it into the club of companies that must be saved for the economy to survive.  If it doesn't, and it probably won't, there's a huge swath of industry, as well as all the employees, that will suffer.

-Negotiations of a possible merger between General Motors and Chrysler hit the news circuit, and everybody sits back and says "wow, let's all pretend it's 1988 and this is the most amazing thing ever."  Then we all look at the calendar, all the cheap fuel-efficient cars that Toyota makes and realize that a merger between these two companies is like asking a 90 year old man to piggy back on a girl in a wheelchair.  See you guys when you aren't a car company anymore!  Extra ketchup, just put it in the bag.

-Russell Simmons has come up with a pre-paid charge card that is targeted at people who don't have a bank account, by most accounts, it seems to be doing well.  As Simmons puts it, "This card is meant to get people laid, get them feeling dignity."  That sounds a bit exploitative, doesn't it?  Either way, it doesn't really mesh with the rest of this Face Value piece, one that goes a little too far into the hagiography category.  Russell Simmons is a pretty successful guy, with a pretty lengthy career--something tells me that the Economist could've pushed for less of a puff piece.  There's a lot of PR quotes here.

-Yahoo Japan suffered a major security breach over the summer, but didn't even attempt to address it until September.  By then, around 1.5 million user names had been hacked and the accounts were used to counterfeit luxury items--and the people whose accounts were hacked were hit with the transaction fees.  At first, Yahoo ordered the people to pay up, claiming that fraud had not occurred; now that they've had to admit it did, they'll have to reimburse for months of fraud. 

Finance and Economics

-The section phones it in a bit, with another "here's what the world is doing" piece not really updated that much from last weeks, but there is a doom and gloom style prognostication about the future of consumer spending.  Still, the sense that the newspaper's writers are recovering from last weeks near-20 article high is pretty apparent.

-So that no-real-value story about the possibility of a 2008 sequel to 1987's Wall Street, with the return of Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko, made it into the Finance and Economics section in the newspaper, and now I've continued the process of returning it to where it was born:  on a blog-post, so we can all sigh and bring it up later during one of those "God, they'll make a sequel/remake/prequel out of anything, won't they" conversations.

-For those who read the New York Times editorial page on a regular basis, Paul Krugman is a familiar name--he's the guy who writes those twice-weekly columns about the Bush administration.  He's also the Nobel prize winner for economics, an award he received on October 13th for his work on models of international trade and economic geography.  Interestingly, both topics are the ones he had launched a project on the year after earning his doctorate.  Impressive stuff, and if you've got any taste for the subject, this weeks Economics Focus (a column I rarely link to here, honestly) is pretty fascinating.

-Although the meat of this article is about the question of whether banks should pursue finance from private equity and sovereign wealth funds, what jumped out of me was finding out that, sometime in recent weeks, there was one of those bohemian grove style retreats in Dubai.  Creepy.  Did they kill hookers?  That's what Grant Morrison had led me to believe they do at those things.

Science and Technology

-Guess what just might be smarter then a dog?  A wolf!  Damn straight, dog.  Wolf beats dog, intelligence test style!  You can read why if you want, but all I'll ever remember from this article is the basic Trivia Pursuit style knowledge that Dog equals Dumber Then Wolf. 

-Certain types of food may hold a key in the combat against addiction to illegal drugs, which is--well, it's nice, I suppose.  But then again, they also used to give alcoholics Karo syrup as a remedy, and that didn't work out very well in the long run.  The idea of diet swapping, especially when the majority of the people struggling with crack problems are also impoverished and therefore unable to cook up a healthy four course meal of fish sprinkled with almonds alongside fresh leafy greens and various sundries, seems a bit--I don't know.  You figure it out.  This is just short-sighted, unless the major concern with addiction is helping the "people who have private chefs" contingent.

-Here's a flipside to all those articles that get published about "print being dead."  (It is, but that's not what the article is about.)  No, this is about all the new developments in using paper to make transistors and circuits--although they can't be miniaturized the same way silicon chip can, they can make simple disposable memory circuits far cheaper then their silicon brethren.  So quit your crying, all you publishers.  You can be in the technology business!  (You still have to fire all your writers.)

Books and Arts

-The Economist went to the well and read the entire 976 page biography of Warren Buffet written by Alice Schroeder, and they've come back and said "hey, this thing wasn't long enough."  More to the point, it was too "omigosh you guys Warren Buffet is really super smart and a totally nice guy" and less "detailed anaylsis of his investment record."  In fact, the Economist goes so far as to recommend that, if you're interested in Buffet the intelligent investor, you should read his own collected essays and annual reports.  Those, however, will not cover in great detail the massive amount of money that the man is giving to the Gates Foundation in charitable donation or background information on his marraige.  So it's a mixed bag.

-Margaret Atwood, who most people know as the woman who won a Booker Prize for her book The Blind Assassin, has published a book transcribing her radio talks about the concept of debt, both financial and philosophical.  The Economist recommends it with a bit of a caveat, the caveat being that they don't necessarily agree with some of her conclusions.

-Alexander Rose wrote a book called American Rifle: A Biography, and I'm pretty sure that there isn't a single person who can't judge a book called by that title as to whether or not they want to read it.  It sounds like it might be sort of interesting, but something tells me that you'll probably find yourself enjoying a book about specific wars and such more then you would a book about the history of a country-specific gun.  Which is what this is.  And it's 512 pages.

-Milan Kundera may have once sent a friend of a friend off to torture and a 14 year stint in a labor camp when he was a young man.  I guess that's The Unbearable Lightness Of Being An Untrustworthy Dick.  No, but seriously, that's fucked up.

-Lastly, both these books sound pretty great--We Saw Spain Die: Foreign Correspondents in the Spanish Civil War and Delta Blues: The Life and Times of the Mississippi Masters who Revolutionized American Music--but American book buyers are only on track to receive one in hardcover.  Guess which one!

Obituary: Jorg Haider

-And if you were trying to figure out what the inflammatory title of the post refers to, here it is, in all it's exaggerated glory.  Jorg Haider was an Austrian politician who recently re-assumed the leadership of the Alliance for Austria's Future, a political party that had received 11% of the vote in September's recent election.  To be abundantly clear:  Jorg Haider wasn't a Nazi, tried and true.  His father and mother were.  Jorg had called Hitler's employment policies "orderly" in contrast to the modern Austrian governments.  He'd spent vacation time with former SS officers.  He was an unrepentant snake of a man, who built a political party and career exploiting the racism and ignorance of a few, and somehow--through whatever means he thought necessary--he achieved a decent proportion of electoral support.  His death isn't a reason to cheer or celebrate; after all, it isn't like the 11% of Austrian voters who believed in this man have gone away, this man who's main political edge was the one he honed razor sharp, the one dedicated to fighting off the old Austrian phrase Uberfremdung, or "foreigner overrun." (That's an old school term favored by the Nazis and their ilk that he brought back into the public discourse.)  Whatever those voters real concerns are, it's up to Austria to answer them without embracing, as Jorg Haider, did, the worst parts of humanity--fear, hatred, and intolerance.

But no, he wasn't a Nazi.  He was just a racist asshole, with a lot more intelligence then morality, and he died last week in a drunken car wreck. 

All artwork from the Economist unless otherwise noted below.

Christine took that pic of Sir Robert Peel encased in carbonite, the global electoral map is from the Economist website, the face of apathy from the pattaya mail, woman outside West Bank checkpoint from Newsweek , not going to credit a google image search for distilled water but will use this opportunity to say that the new coldplay album is unlistenable trash which I knew before I put it in but it's always nice to have pessimistic assholery reinforced, fx still owns the shield, surprisingly carrefour owns carrefour, the dallas observer came up with the hangover chart and I'd assume the USA network owns Werewolf at this point.

Stunt Casting: A Conversation About DCU Decisions Takes A Surprising Turn In The Direction Of Penthouse Forum, But Fails To Clear The Threshold

This is the third piece regarding the mini-series DCU Decisions, which is selling poorly.  The first issue was reviewed here by TFO's Virgin Reader and the second issue discussed with Nancy Stone here. The series is being examined at the request of friend of the site Caleb Mozzocco.  To follow the trend of wasting peoples time with this series right before they do something more important, any questions for Sarah Engelman will have to wait until she returns from Abu Dhabi.

The Factual Opinion:  Normally we start these off by asking why you chose this comic to read--obviously, this comic has been foisted upon you.  Now, you've read the past interview we did with Nancy Stone on the previous issue of this series.  Can you talk a little bit about your feelings coming into the experience?

Engelman:  I was trying not to expect too much.  I didn't know that I'd be reading this one.  I had read Nancy's but I had no idea that there was a new issue [of the series], or that I'd be reading it--I just showed up.

TFO:  Upon reading Nancy's review, did you say to yourself "Gosh, I'd really like to read the next issue of this series"?

Engelman:  No, I did not.

TFO:  So it's with a bit of abject disappointment that you pick up the issue?

Engelman:  Well, no.  It was an interesting opportunity to see if I would potentially dislike it as much, because I got the feeling that it was...disliked.

The Virgin Reader:  Have you ever read a comic book before?

Engelman:  I have read very few comic books.  The first one I read was a few years ago, given to me by my friend Charlie Fey.  It was Rent Girl, it was about a lesbian prostitute in San Francisco.  That was fun.  I don't know why she gave it to me, but I accepted it.

Virgin:  Charlie was a girl?

Engelman:  Yes.

Virgin:  Was she hitting on you?

Engelman:  No, I don't think so.  She was a guitarist in the band I was working for.  We were in San Francisco and she knew I lived in San Francisco, the author was from San Francisco--I don't know.  Apparently lesbian prostitution is rampant in San Francisco.

Virgin:  I had a woman give me a lesbian-themed play once, apparently as a means to hit on me.

TFO:  What made you so sure that she was trying to hit on you?

Virgin:  It's a long story.

TFO:  Then don't tell it.  Okay, Sarah.  So your experience with Rent Girl didn't lead you to exploring more comics?

Engelman:  No.  I've since read a few.  Some I enjoyed, some I didn't.

TFO:  Which ones?

Engelman:  Most recently the first 100 Bullets.  A new one came out, and Marty and I went to some comic book store in our neighborhood--Rocketship, or something like that.  So he got all geeky-excited and said "Here, you want to read the first one and I'll read the new one?"  So we did that.

Virgin:  Some people play tennis...we read comics.

TFO:  It's funny you mention that, there was actually one of these controversies--well, controversial among the two people who read comic book blogs--about a negative reaction when a critic posted a pretty caustic response to that first trade.  He didn't like the art, he didn't like the covers, he though the story was reminiscient of Matlock--no, Michael Landon.  What did you think about what you read?

Engelman:  I did find it a little hard to follow at first--that might be my inexperience with comic books.  That was...hard.  Actually, I haven't finished reading it.  It had moved into another story, that was fine, because I was enjoying it more then the first storyline--and then I was reading it in bed and it jumped into another story, and I just went "UGH!"  I threw it down on the floor.  Just when I thought I was getting something out of it, I was beginning to form an opinion about it--it moved into something else.

TFO:  Well, what was your reaction to DCU Decisions # 3?

Engleman:  I found it easy to understand.  That was a nice surprise.  I found it very funny.

Virgin:  Good funny or bad funny?

Engelman:  Funny for me is always good funny.  I don't know if I'm interpreting what [the writers] are doing properly, but for me, what they were trying to express was how they feel about their own current situation through this fantasy world of super-heroes.  For some reason, I thought that was totally dorky funny.  Like it was really something that [the writers] were just doing for themselves.  I'm reading it, but they don't really care.  I found that amusing.  I don't mean that they really "don't care," but it felt like it was truly for themselves.  A way for [the writers] to express their views on political issues.  And this one--I don't know what the other two are like--but this issue had a lot of attack on mainstream media.  I always find that...cool.  In fact, I think one of the news anchors, the girl one--actually, I'm just assuming they are girls and boys.  I have no idea.  Maybe they said "she and him," and that's why I think that.  They have this part where she says "This is a straight news broadcast, and you're giving opinion." and he says "All news is opinion Carla, welcome to the new age of broadcast news."  That was pretty pointed, pretty true.  But as far as the whole "reason" it's being written?  Would I look for it?  Try to read it again?  No.

TFO:  What did you think of the relationship between Lois and Superman?

Engelman:  Well, I don't really have any relationship with these characters, so at first I didn't know if Lois knew that Superman was her husband.  I know that sounds lame, but I really didn't know.

Virgin:  In some movies she doesn't know.

Engelman:  Right!  They had crushes on each other.  I didn't know they were married!  But the whole "you're sleeping on the couch because of this argument" thing.  I thought that was lame.  Of all the things going on in the comic, I thought that was the lamest page.

TFO:  What did you think about the art?

Engelman:  The art?  I enjoyed it, actually.  I thought that it was fun.  It was colorful, the chicks are hot without being too abnormal.  They look like they could be Olympic athletes with boobs.  They wouldn't break at the waistline.  I found it visually easy to follow, which I enjoyed.  I don't have much attention span for comics, otherwise I would be trying to read them all the time.  I liked it.

TFO:  The plot mechanic that Nancy didn't enjoy, and I don't think [Nina] enjoyed it either, was the whole assassination subplot.

Virgin:  Isn't it the actual plot?

TFO:  Well, yes, it's supposed to be the actual plot.  Most people seem to only respond to the "who's Batman going to vote for" stuff.  It doesn't match up to the subplot in terms of interest, that seems to be the argument.

Engelman:  It's funny that you're even saying that, the sub-plot, the plot--it seems like that barely plays a role here.  Who is this red guy here?  Is that Flash Gordon?

Virgin:  That's the Flash, but I call him Shazam.  But it isn't Shazam.

Engelman:  Yes, this part where he supports the bomber for president, and then he gets a lot of backlash for that--

Virgin:  Oh really?

Engelman:  He's "pretending."  He gets a lot of backlash for it, but he's actually trying to get the whole thing back on topic, which is that there's attempted assassinations going on.  What was the question again?

TFO:  Just how you responded to that.

Engelman:  I didn't care.  I don't know who these candidates are.  I don't know what they stand for.  In super-hero land it seems like everything is blowing up all the time.  This is just one other thing that's being saved.  It doesn't move me in any way.

Virgin:  TFO started laughing a lot right now.

TFO:  Do you have any follow ups?

Virgin:  Can I ask silly ones?

TFO:  You can ask a couple of silly ones, if you have too.

Virgin:  If this comic were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would it be?

Engelman:  Rainbow sherbet?

Virgin:  Because of the colors!

Engelman:  Just because of the colors.  And it's really sweet.  Little tangy.

Virgin:  Sweet and tangy.

Engelman:  Oh, can I just say that this whole ring thing, this "spotting out" whoever is taking possession in this crowd--that was weird and lame.

Virgin:  Actually, you stopped when reading the comic to read it out loud to me, just to say "What is this?"

Engelman:  "Green Lantern, scan the crowd immediately around Superman.  If any of the forty-seven signs of sudden mental possession appear in anyone..."  I read that and went--what?!  That is so...arbitrary, and stupid--everything else seemed to at least have something to do with something, but that was just...random.  "The forty-seven signs of sudden mental possession."

Virgin:  That's something I've found lately when I've read these super-hero ones.  I can't remember what it was, but it's this kinda sci-fi edge that almost...it's like a deus ex machina, all the time.  "Oh!  Actually, the time machine that will take us back three minutes so that we can change and amplify reality will be employed...NOW!"  It's just "oh-so-perfect" that something like that, something so perfect, exists.  And they throw those in all the time.  It's hilarious.

TFO:  I'm curious if there's a list at DC Comics headquarters of the "forty-seven signs of mental possession."

Virgin:  Can you google it?

TFO:  No.  Look, I don't WANT to know.  I'm just curious.  Often times when you see something that's completely stupid and arbitrary--and I agree, it's completely stupid and arbitrary--it has some basis in something.  Something from the 1950's that some dude wrote on a deadline to get the hell out of there.

Engelman:  Oh, and then they pull it out because it's "kitschy" and "fun!"

TFO:  Yeah, and then they chomp on a cigar and say "I own so many railroads!"

Engelman:  "There's coins, spilling out of my ears!"

TFO:  "That's a nickel if I know my onions!"  The final page, when the bad guy is revealed--where you filled with shock and awe that it was the character Jericho?

Engelman:  Well, obviously, I had no idea who that is.  So no, clearly:  I don't care.

Virgin:  What's he doing?  He's programming people, he's doing the mind control?

TFO:  He can take possession of people's bodies.  He used to be a hero.

Engelman:  All that stuff about how he couldn't make them shoot themselves, because he couldn't be in their bodies at the time of death--couldn't he make them take some poison?  Or walk them out to the desert, take some poison there?  Leave the body?  If you wanted too, isn't there a way around that?

At this point, Nina wanted to ask some questions she found at some kind of self-help site.

Virgin:  Is there anything you would like to acknowledge this comic book for?

Engelman:  I would like to acknowledge this comic book for seeming to poke fun at the whole political climate right now, the media climate.  I appreciated that.

Virgin:  Did you find anything missing, or disempowering about this comic book?  To you, or to people, or to anything?  Or to women.  Because you and I have a special point of view.

Engelman:  Right.

Virgin:  Because we have vaginas.

Engelman:  Because we have vaginas.

Virgin:  Because of the powers of the pussy.

Engelman:  That is true.  Power of the pussy, power TO the pussy.  I don't know.  There's probably a lot missing here.  As a woman, I would say that these two green guys?  I felt that there homosexual relationship could've been a little more revealed to me.  That would have been hot.

TFO:  Green Lantern and Green Arrow?

Engelman:  Yes.  They are totally gay for each other.  I loved this blond chick with the hottie fishnets and them, when they had this totally irrelevant dialog:  "Sometimes best friends have to work out their--they have to clear the air."  See!  Right there!  We could've gone into some homosexual stuff and that would've been hot.

-Sarah Engelman, Nina Stone, TFO, 2008

DCU Decisions is written by Judd Winick and Bill Willingham, with art by Rick Leonardi, Dan Green & Alex Bleyaert.  Published by DC Comics.

Music of the Weak: Something! Better, It Is Said, Than Nothing. [Director’s Cut]

(Last week, when we turned our beloved Music of the Weak over to Factual Opinion head honcho Tucker Stone, we assumed he would, you know, write it himself.  Instead, he turned the job over to Factual Opinion staffer Stinky Pete, who, for some reason unbeknownst to us, Tucker keeps under his desk and insists on calling “Fievel.”  While we appreciate Stinky… er… Fievel’s pinch hitting, we also feel we should, for once, earn our editor’s pay, and reprint last weeks column with appropriate notes and corrections.  After all, SEALS HAVE NO EARS.  Please enjoy.  –ed.) 

Martin Brown, the Factual Opinion's erstwhile music editor [1], is knee deep in the process of bringing Eugene O'Neill's The Hairy Ape to the stage and he requested a vacation for the week.  Of course, he requested it this morning, so that left us with no choice but to demand the list of "songs" (Editor’s note: Tucker, who must have written the introduction, uses quotation marks here to indicate irony, because he does not believe any of the following are actually, in fact, song.) he was preparing to examine for the column (Editor’s note:  He probably should have also put “preparing to examine” in quotation marks.)  Upon receipt, the list was promptly turned over to Stinky Pete, a cigar-smoking seal with a penchant for buggery [2]. This was Pete's response, which he apparently wrote while he watched/listened to the featured tracks. 

DJ Earworm - "Reckoner Lockdown"

Oh, great.  Another mash-up.  This is a genre I'm never going to miss when it finally dies [3].  God, it's a video mash-up as well?  Oh wait, it's Kanye West and Radiohead.  That gives it some kind of cred [4].  Here we go. 

What the fuck made Kanye think singing was a good idea?  (Editor’s note: Money.)  He sounds like one of those people who show up in the montage footage on American Idol, the people who are so dull that they can't even suck enough to be laughed at.  Oh, African dancers running right towards the viewer.  How extraordinary. 

Nice Swedish kitchen in the video though, it has that going for it.  (Editor’s note: I’ll show you a Swedish kitchen.) Oh, more African dancers.  Some of this looks like a live version of the Bitches Brew album art.

Why am I supposed to "Keep [my] love locked down?"  How does that help in a relationship?  (Editor’s note:  Oh, Stinky Pete, you have so much to learn about love.) 

All this head stroking on Kanye's part, matched by his abysmal attempt to hit high notes [5], makes this feel like some kind of music version of the worst stereotypes of male modeling.  (Editor’s note:  When Kanye sings, “No you’ll never know/ Never never know,” it reminds me of “Three Times a Lady” by Eddie Murphy’s impression of Buckwheat.) 

Maybe it's just because all my experience with African music is Fela Kuti, that elderly blind couple, and the Ethiopiques series, but it seems like the only thing that's remotely "African" about this song, thereby necessitating dancers, is the Radiohead stuff.  Fela's music doesn't ask for dancers, it creates the desire to move in and of itself. These dancers just look like they're being paid to pretend this is serious [6], when what it really is some bizarre attempt by Kanye to sound like that Coldplay guy. (Editor’s note: Johnny Buckland?  Guy Berryman?  Will Champion? Apple?) 

The end of this song isn't bad though, what with all the doom and gloom throbbing [7].  Of course, it just sounds like old jungle music, so it's not really innovative.  Why is Kanye covering his face?  Is he crying?  "You lose?"  Fuck you.  I didn't lose shit.  You're acting like a crybaby. (Editor’s note: Simmer down there, Stinky.  Don’t blow your top yet.  We’ve got seven more songs to dismantle.) 

Beyonce - "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"

Is this "Crazy In Love?" (Editor’s note: Nope!)  I like that song.  Let's see.

Guess not.  Is that the set from the "Vogue" video?

Did they just walk like an Egyptian?  God, I can't stand these--what do you call them?  Sound effects? It's like every goofy ass tone Windows XP uses to accentuate clicking a mouse or trying to run disk defragmenter.  It's all just beeps and whistles, but not in that odd Black Dice kind of beeps and whistles way, more like a crazy hobo playing whack-a-mole with a keyboard.  And she just keeps repeating the same thing, "you should've put a ring on it [8]."  There's no breakdown or anything, it's just more of that Beyonce thing were she jackhammers away at your desire to disagree with her by repeating herself at the same volume until resistance strips away.  This is a fascist song.  (Editor’s note: No, dude, it’s punk rock.) 

This video is absurd--I feel like I'm watching what shows on the inside of an epileptic's eyelids when they seize. 

Wait, why does she have a robot claw? [9] 

The Roots feat. Lil' Wayne - "A Milli"

I think more people talk about how the Roots "play their own instruments" then they do talk about anything in relation to their music [10].  If one more person says that to me in public, I'm going to make number two in my pants and follow them around calling out "daddydaddydaddydaddy" in a monotone voice until they start crying [11].  Hey, Lil' Wayne! 

If I never hear Black Thought say "ladies and gentlemen" ever again, it'll be too soon.  Roaring at the audience like a crazed carnival barker makes up at least 25% of his lyrics (Editor’s note:  We’re not in the least bit sure what the negative end of that is.) 

Kleerup feat. Lyke Li - "Until We Bleed"

Never heard of Kleerup.  Sounds like some Eastern European version of Stridex pads.  (Editor’s note: Zing!) 

This isn't bad or anything, but it's certainly unmemorable.  More of the same sped-up beats from people too in love with that Kontakt minimalist sound (Editor’s note:  We’re pretty sure Stinky means Kompakt, but we also just like seeing c’s replaked with k’s.) When they start pulling in somebody like Lemmy from Motorhead to handle the vocals, I'll start caring about this.  It is interesting to listen to somebody slur all her words together, but I can't really see how you build a career on that.  (Editor’s note:  Is this what they mean when they talk about a grunge renaissance?) 

God, why does the last 20 seconds of every single pop-based techno song have to sound exactly the same?  Strip out various tracks until you get down to plinky keys, then slow down plinky keys, then end song.  The next time I hear somebody in electronic music pull a fade out, I'm going to give them a money order for fifty dollars.  (Editor’s note:  With which we assume they will buy a crescendo.) 

Hypnotic Brass Ensemble - "War"

Holy shit, this is great.  What the fuck?  Who are these guys? [12]

Busta Rhymes - "Don't Touch Me (Throw Water On 'Em)"

Busta Rhymes is still yapping about the Flip-mode squad?  Aren't most of those guys working day jobs?  (Editor’s note:  Word on the street is that Chauncey Black is a barista,  Baby Sham, appropriately, works at a car wash, and Reek da Villain manages hedge funds.) 

"It's getting hot up in here, throw da water on 'em." 

How is this song any different then every single Busta Rhymes song ever made?  He raps really fast about nothing, and then repeats whatever silly ass chorus he came up with, then he makes a video where he makes a bunch of goofy faces into the camera while wearing a bunch of costumes.  At least Kanye, for all the miserable failure it produced, was willing to take some kind of chance.  Busta Rhymes hasn't changed a bit in almost...god, 15 years?  How long has he been doing this? [13] 

Vivian Girls - "Tell The World"

For some reason, this is one of the only songs, besides the one's used in the mash-up, that I'd heard of prior to this assignment [14]. 

Vivian Girls are basically a less-talented version of Sleater Kinney.  Of course, Sleater Kinney used to be a less-talented version of Sleater Kinney, so they've got somewhere to go.  Hopefully it's in a direction away from this "old school girl group sing-along" thing they've got going.  These ladies do sound nice though.  It would be nice if they gave up on pretending to be so morose [15]. 

Fucked Up feat. Moby - "Blitzkrieg Bop"

Some people will tell you that Moby's latest album is a good one.  Those people's names are Martin Brown and Tim O'Neill.  Both of these classy and intelligent gentlemen are dead fucking wrong (Editor’s note:  We can’t speak for Tim O’Neill, but we would like the record to reflect that we are neither classy nor intelligent.  At least not in this column.) However, Moby is pretty great here.  In part because of Fucked Up, in part because it's the Ramones, but mostly because there's no attempt to create the future soundtrack of a car commercial, which is pretty much Moby's entire reason de-ater [16]. 

[1] The Factual Opinion has a very special definition of “editor,” in that our definition in no way includes proofreading, fact-checking, or a basic understanding of grammar. 

[2] A little unfair, as most seals have a penchant for buggery. 

[3] Calling mash-ups a “genre” may be a bit of an over-statement.  They’re more of a trend.  And I think the gravestone reads: “Mash-ups 2002-2002.” We wonder if there exists a trend, any trend, now or historically, for which one could not make an argument for championing its death.  That being said, we really like Girl Talk.  Really.  No, really. 

[4] Credibility does not come from taking the two most obvious mash-up sources floating around right now and putting them together.  Though, in his defense, “Reckoner Lockdown” seems less about a big idea, and more about DJ Earworm big-upping the (hopefully actually inevitable) trend of artists releasing the stems of their music for public consumption.  The mash-up does manage to top the original “Love Lockdown,” if only because the best part of Kanye’s joint (the drums) settles nicely into Radiohead’s moody acoustic guitar.  You might recall that Girl Talk pulls a similar trick on Feed the Animals with “Paranoid Android” and Jay-Z’s “Roc Boys (And The Winner Is),” except that Girl Talk has the sense to bounce after a couple of seconds before the idea goes stale.  At the risk of turning Girl Talk into The Simpsons of post-modern music—doing everything earlier and better than everyone else—other mash-up artists need to start catching up.  Otherwise, they will continue to be a lot like the formulas on the back of Jelly Belly packages—interesting flavor combinations that are fun to put together, but always end up tasting like vocoder. 

[5] That would be the AutoTune, my pinniped friend. 

[6] Actually, the video appears to be a video mash-up, which means that the African dancers were probably not paid (are they ever?) But there are two chicks, painted in Day-Glo, rubbing on each other, so it’s got that going for it. 

[7] Tight drums can make even the worst song a little more bearable.  Horns, too. 

[8] This is a sad, confusing song: “All the single ladies in the club” are saying, “If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.”  For someone so pumped about independence, Beyoncé sure seems desperate for a man to “pull her into his arms and tell her she’s the one he wants.”  Maybe she’s finally tapped into the human dilemma.  Crazy in love is for suckers.  

[9] Is it:             A) Because the lack of a ring on her finger has turned her into a cold, metallic object.

                        B) A sly Inspector Gadget reference.

                        C) Because Beyoncé actually has no left hand, you insensitive assduck.

                        D) For grabbing all the cool prizes. 

[10] The real spectacle of this version of “A Milli” is ?uestlove holding it down on the drums and vocals.  Between The Roots’ excellent Rising Down and the Al Green joint, dude’s had a hell of a year.  Did we mention that he plays the drums? 

[11] Seals don’t wear pants! 

[12] It only gets better:  Hypnotic Brass Ensemble are eight sons of former Sun Ra’s Arkestra trumpeter Phil Cochran, who have recently relocated to New York from Chicago, and can be seen busking on downtown street corners when they’re not playing Lincoln Center.  Single of the year? 

[13] You don’t want Jack White using synthesizers.  You don’t want AC/DC making a concept album full of power-ballads.  Nobody wanted to see The Rolling Stones go disco.  And I don’t care how many people want to hear Kanye West rock an album’s worth of AutoTuned singing, it’s still a horrible idea.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is play to your strengths, and Busta’s unparalleled at fast rapping, costume wearing, chorus slinging, goofy facing, and silly assing.  We wouldn’t have him any other way.  Plus: bongos. 

[14] Boy, do Vivian Girls’ popularity not make any sense to us.  Notice how they can’t even keep up the tempo they set in the beginning, so the song slows down before the first vocals.  The entire rest of the song feels like it drags. 

[15] Their moroseness may or may not be a put on, but it’s such an insufferable indie-rock signifier that it taints their music.  Such a limited emotional range makes it feel as if you’re hearing music through a pinhole camera. 

[16]  Dear Tucker Stinky,

            Sometimes we don’t understand you.  Doesn’t Moby singing with Fucked Up seem like a blatant example of his poseurism at its worst?  At least Last Night, for all of its cheezetastic poppy goodness is a pretty accurate reflection of the consummate panderer that Moby is.  Sure, it’s hooky and drippy and overtly soul-less.  But it’s also a straight-up no frills house album with questionable true audience appeal—and in that respect it’s way more punk rock than this garbage.  Look at how more effort he puts into being hardcore in the video.  It would almost be cute if he weren’t, like, 45 trying to be 18.  We’re going to need you to re-examine your priorities.  The next time you give a positive review to a dude with a half-beard, we’re going to have to have a sit-down.  And this time, your little trick with doing a number two in your pants won’t get you out of it like it did last time.

                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                Marty

The Virgin Read: She Really Has No Business Talking About Frank Castle And Final Crisis, But That's The Business She Requested

Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds # 2
Written by Geoff Johns
Art by George Perez, Scott Koblish
Published by DC Comics

Punisher # 63
Written by Gregg Hurwitz
Art by Laurence Campbell & Lee Loughridge
Published by Marvel MAX

These two comics couldn’t be more different.  I’m setting them side by side right now, and I'm opening both to the very first page.

Punisher is a continuing story with one main character and has a recap page.  (Thank you!)

Legion of 3 Worlds (from this point forward known as LO3W), dives right in to the story with an ugly Tinkerbell flying.  Or is it two ugly Tinkerbells?  I couldn't tell by the drawing.  Then the 6^th panel shows two dialog bubbles, one being directed to a being that is not in the panel.  Great.

Let's turn the page….Punisher is awash with cool shades of blue and purple.  Minimal text.  A story told mostly in pictures.  Imagine that?  A story told by pictures in a comic book?!  Hey!

The 2^nd and 3^rd page of LO3W is very busy with a lot of color….people….text.  There are panels of different sizes.  There are non-paneled areas with several scenes.  It’s a lot to take in.

Okay, right there in the two preceding paragraphs do I have the experience that ends up accurately describing how I feel about these comics, if I had to do it in one word.

Punisher = Cool.

LO3W = Busy.

Something has started to happen to me in recent years when I am visually over-stimulated or just generally over-stimulated.  I rode the Batman and Robin roller coaster at Great Adventure a few years ago and sort of passed out/fell asleep in the midst of it because it was just too much.  My system just said "Nah, not interested" and shut down.  Something similar happened when I tried to watch one of those Star Wars movies with Jimmy Smits – at one point the huge screen was filled with spaceships and exploding stars and fire and my eyes got droopy and I fell asleep.

So here I am, reading this issue of LO3W, trying to take in everything on every page, trying to take in all the varied story lines so nobody will get mad at me for giving up the way I did last time, making sure I pay attention to who is who, not ignoring anything, studying all these colors and overall busy-ness--and on page 22 I fell asleep.  I'm not trying to be mean or nasty here, but I just rested my eyes for a few seconds and fell asleep.  Then I got myself up, finished the comic and took a serious nap.  This was the middle of the afternoon!  I wasn't tired when I started!  I hadn't just eaten a turkey dinner!  It was two o'clock!

I don't know what to tell you.  There was just so much going on.  I’m sure a fan who keeps up regularly may be juiced by all the plots and sub-plots and sub-sub-plots.  I gotta say though, to me?  It was kind of boring.  I had been so psyched to finally read a Geoff Johns comic book after attending the DC Panel in Baltimore.  It seemed like he wrote nearly every comic book the company publishes!  Yet here I am, and I haven't read a single one.  After reading this, I feel the fraternity vibe that I got out of that Baltimore panel more than ever.  I’m sure their fans are very happy, and they probably should be.  This has to be writing that's specifically for them.  This is a comic book for DC fans, god, it felt like a love letter to DC fans.  If I were to try and judge DC by this one comic book, this Mardi Gras of characters and confusion, they don’t want new readers.  They just want their current readers to stay, to have babies with them, to buy land.  They aren't interested in pledges.  Initiation is over.  The club is closed.

Look, before you get all antsy--that’s totally fine!  I'm not going to even hate on the comic.  (Except – Superboy.  I mean, I get that he has mean red eyes.  I'm very intimidated.  But no pupils?  That’s just stupid.  Everyone else from other universes still has human eyes.  What’s up?)  And look, I'm sorry.  But this is simply not enjoyable to read, much less follow.

Then, there is The Punisher.  I've been made to understand that people may not be as into the new team writing The Punisher as they were the old team that wrote it.  But for me, with LO3W as a comparison, I really enjoyed it.  It’s the absolute antithesis of LO3W.  The colors and art are all dramatic, well put together.  There’s a coolness and an intensity to the story, both at the same time.  There’s human emotion about human circumstances that I can relate to.  (I mean, I’ve never killed anyone, but I’m no stranger to the feelings of love, revenge, hate, shame, guilt, desire, need, etc.)

With all that said, I did have a few small quibbles with this book.  I’m not sure where I’ve seen it before, but, I’ve seen this before.  I somehow knew, and “guessed” from the beginning that the little girl was already dead when she was put in the warehouse.  It was too set up.  It didn’t make any sense for a girl to be there alone.  And like I said, I must have seen that somewhere before.  I don't know why, or how, I've seen the dead body of a little girl put in a warehouse behind a mirror to confuse and upset somebody, but I have seen it.  

I have both a compliment and critique here.  The story in this comic seems to want to delve into the duplicity of one aspect of human nature--that love can make us kill; that a desire for justice can make us behave unjustly, etc.  It seems that it wants to use The Punisher to illustrate that internal struggle.  Therefore, I wish I would have seen more of it when Punisher exhumed the girl’s body and cut her open to check the bullet.  There’s a full arrary of emotions that a person would go through in doing such a thing – a person racked with guilt and pain over the idea that he accidentally killed the little girl he was trying to save.  Would it be so easy to cut her open?  If he cut her open and found his own bullet, and learned that he truly had killed her, what then?  And just that possibility alone, lurking inside Punisher’s head, should have upped the tension for him before cutting her open. 

This book keeps trying to put us in the Punisher’s shoes – for catharsis, for perspective, or just any exploration of the experience.  I would have liked to experience his angst, fear, shame or just any of the inner turmoil he went through in that one  experience rather than just see it dismissed in four panels.  That’s the place where I think they missed the boat.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it.  I would definitely read it again.  And maybe its just that I’m human and prefer human stories to superhero stories.  If I were a superhero, I’d have probably liked Legion of 3 Worlds better.

But I doubt it.

-Nina Stone, 2008