Music of the Weak: Something! Better, It Is Said, Than Nothing. [Director’s Cut]

(Last week, when we turned our beloved Music of the Weak over to Factual Opinion head honcho Tucker Stone, we assumed he would, you know, write it himself. Instead, he turned the job over to Factual Opinion staffer Stinky Pete, who, for some reason unbeknownst to us, Tucker keeps under his desk and insists on calling “Fievel.” While we appreciate Stinky… er… Fievel’s pinch hitting, we also feel we should, for once, earn our editor’s pay, and reprint last weeks column with appropriate notes and corrections. After all, SEALS HAVE NO EARS. Please enjoy. –ed.)

Martin Brown, the Factual Opinion's erstwhile music editor [1], is knee deep in the process of bringing Eugene O'Neill's The Hairy Ape to the stage and he requested a vacation for the week. Of course, he requested it this morning, so that left us with no choice but to demand the list of "songs" (Editor’s note: Tucker, who must have written the introduction, uses quotation marks here to indicate irony, because he does not believe any of the following are actually, in fact, song.) he was preparing to examine for the column (Editor’s note: He probably should have also put “preparing to examine” in quotation marks.) Upon receipt, the list was promptly turned over to Stinky Pete, a cigar-smoking seal with a penchant for buggery [2]. This was Pete's response, which he apparently wrote while he watched/listened to the featured tracks.

DJ Earworm - "Reckoner Lockdown"

Oh, great. Another mash-up. This is a genre I'm never going to miss when it finally dies [3]. God, it's a video mash-up as well? Oh wait, it's Kanye West and Radiohead. That gives it some kind of cred [4]. Here we go.

What the fuck made Kanye think singing was a good idea? (Editor’s note: Money.) He sounds like one of those people who show up in the montage footage on American Idol, the people who are so dull that they can't even suck enough to be laughed at. Oh, African dancers running right towards the viewer. How extraordinary.

Nice Swedish kitchen in the video though, it has that going for it. (Editor’s note: I’ll show you a Swedish kitchen.) Oh, more African dancers. Some of this looks like a live version of the Bitches Brew album art.

Why am I supposed to "Keep [my] love locked down?" How does that help in a relationship? (Editor’s note: Oh, Stinky Pete, you have so much to learn about love.)

All this head stroking on Kanye's part, matched by his abysmal attempt to hit high notes [5], makes this feel like some kind of music version of the worst stereotypes of male modeling. (Editor’s note: When Kanye sings, “No you’ll never know/ Never never know,” it reminds me of “Three Times a Lady” by Eddie Murphy’s impression of Buckwheat.)

Maybe it's just because all my experience with African music is Fela Kuti, that elderly blind couple, and the Ethiopiques series, but it seems like the only thing that's remotely "African" about this song, thereby necessitating dancers, is the Radiohead stuff. Fela's music doesn't ask for dancers, it creates the desire to move in and of itself. These dancers just look like they're being paid to pretend this is serious [6], when what it really is some bizarre attempt by Kanye to sound like that Coldplay guy. (Editor’s note: Johnny Buckland? Guy Berryman? Will Champion? Apple?)

The end of this song isn't bad though, what with all the doom and gloom throbbing [7]. Of course, it just sounds like old jungle music, so it's not really innovative. Why is Kanye covering his face? Is he crying? "You lose?" Fuck you. I didn't lose shit. You're acting like a crybaby. (Editor’s note: Simmer down there, Stinky. Don’t blow your top yet. We’ve got seven more songs to dismantle.)

Beyonce - "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"

Is this "Crazy In Love?" (Editor’s note: Nope!) I like that song. Let's see.

Guess not. Is that the set from the "Vogue" video?

Did they just walk like an Egyptian? God, I can't stand these--what do you call them? Sound effects? It's like every goofy ass tone Windows XP uses to accentuate clicking a mouse or trying to run disk defragmenter. It's all just beeps and whistles, but not in that odd Black Dice kind of beeps and whistles way, more like a crazy hobo playing whack-a-mole with a keyboard. And she just keeps repeating the same thing, "you should've put a ring on it [8]." There's no breakdown or anything, it's just more of that Beyonce thing were she jackhammers away at your desire to disagree with her by repeating herself at the same volume until resistance strips away. This is a fascist song. (Editor’s note: No, dude, it’s punk rock.)

This video is absurd--I feel like I'm watching what shows on the inside of an epileptic's eyelids when they seize.

Wait, why does she have a robot claw? [9]

The Roots feat. Lil' Wayne - "A Milli"

I think more people talk about how the Roots "play their own instruments" then they do talk about anything in relation to their music [10]. If one more person says that to me in public, I'm going to make number two in my pants and follow them around calling out "daddydaddydaddydaddy" in a monotone voice until they start crying [11]. Hey, Lil' Wayne!

If I never hear Black Thought say "ladies and gentlemen" ever again, it'll be too soon. Roaring at the audience like a crazed carnival barker makes up at least 25% of his lyrics (Editor’s note: We’re not in the least bit sure what the negative end of that is.)

Kleerup feat. Lyke Li - "Until We Bleed"

Never heard of Kleerup. Sounds like some Eastern European version of Stridex pads. (Editor’s note: Zing!)

This isn't bad or anything, but it's certainly unmemorable. More of the same sped-up beats from people too in love with that Kontakt minimalist sound (Editor’s note: We’re pretty sure Stinky means Kompakt, but we also just like seeing c’s replaked with k’s.) When they start pulling in somebody like Lemmy from Motorhead to handle the vocals, I'll start caring about this. It is interesting to listen to somebody slur all her words together, but I can't really see how you build a career on that. (Editor’s note: Is this what they mean when they talk about a grunge renaissance?)

God, why does the last 20 seconds of every single pop-based techno song have to sound exactly the same? Strip out various tracks until you get down to plinky keys, then slow down plinky keys, then end song. The next time I hear somebody in electronic music pull a fade out, I'm going to give them a money order for fifty dollars. (Editor’s note: With which we assume they will buy a crescendo.)

Hypnotic Brass Ensemble - "War"

Holy shit, this is great. What the fuck? Who are these guys? [12]

Busta Rhymes - "Don't Touch Me (Throw Water On 'Em)"

Busta Rhymes is still yapping about the Flip-mode squad? Aren't most of those guys working day jobs? (Editor’s note: Word on the street is that Chauncey Black is a barista, Baby Sham, appropriately, works at a car wash, and Reek da Villain manages hedge funds.)

"It's getting hot up in here, throw da water on 'em."

How is this song any different then every single Busta Rhymes song ever made? He raps really fast about nothing, and then repeats whatever silly ass chorus he came up with, then he makes a video where he makes a bunch of goofy faces into the camera while wearing a bunch of costumes. At least Kanye, for all the miserable failure it produced, was willing to take some kind of chance. Busta Rhymes hasn't changed a bit in almost...god, 15 years? How long has he been doing this? [13]

Vivian Girls - "Tell The World"

For some reason, this is one of the only songs, besides the one's used in the mash-up, that I'd heard of prior to this assignment [14].

Vivian Girls are basically a less-talented version of Sleater Kinney. Of course, Sleater Kinney used to be a less-talented version of Sleater Kinney, so they've got somewhere to go. Hopefully it's in a direction away from this "old school girl group sing-along" thing they've got going. These ladies do sound nice though. It would be nice if they gave up on pretending to be so morose [15].

Fucked Up feat. Moby - "Blitzkrieg Bop"

Some people will tell you that Moby's latest album is a good one. Those people's names are Martin Brown and Tim O'Neill. Both of these classy and intelligent gentlemen are dead fucking wrong (Editor’s note: We can’t speak for Tim O’Neill, but we would like the record to reflect that we are neither classy nor intelligent. At least not in this column.) However, Moby is pretty great here. In part because of Fucked Up, in part because it's the Ramones, but mostly because there's no attempt to create the future soundtrack of a car commercial, which is pretty much Moby's entire reason de-ater [16].

[1] The Factual Opinion has a very special definition of “editor,” in that our definition in no way includes proofreading, fact-checking, or a basic understanding of grammar.

[2] A little unfair, as most seals have a penchant for buggery.

[3] Calling mash-ups a “genre” may be a bit of an over-statement. They’re more of a trend. And I think the gravestone reads: “Mash-ups 2002-2002.” We wonder if there exists a trend, any trend, now or historically, for which one could not make an argument for championing its death. That being said, we really like Girl Talk. Really. No, really.

[4] Credibility does not come from taking the two most obvious mash-up sources floating around right now and putting them together. Though, in his defense, “Reckoner Lockdown” seems less about a big idea, and more about DJ Earworm big-upping the (hopefully actually inevitable) trend of artists releasing the stems of their music for public consumption. The mash-up does manage to top the original “Love Lockdown,” if only because the best part of Kanye’s joint (the drums) settles nicely into Radiohead’s moody acoustic guitar. You might recall that Girl Talk pulls a similar trick on Feed the Animals with “Paranoid Android” and Jay-Z’s “Roc Boys (And The Winner Is),” except that Girl Talk has the sense to bounce after a couple of seconds before the idea goes stale. At the risk of turning Girl Talk into The Simpsons of post-modern music—doing everything earlier and better than everyone else—other mash-up artists need to start catching up. Otherwise, they will continue to be a lot like the formulas on the back of Jelly Belly packages—interesting flavor combinations that are fun to put together, but always end up tasting like vocoder.

[5] That would be the AutoTune, my pinniped friend.

[6] Actually, the video appears to be a video mash-up, which means that the African dancers were probably not paid (are they ever?) But there are two chicks, painted in Day-Glo, rubbing on each other, so it’s got that going for it.

[7] Tight drums can make even the worst song a little more bearable. Horns, too.

[8] This is a sad, confusing song: “All the single ladies in the club” are saying, “If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.” For someone so pumped about independence, Beyoncé sure seems desperate for a man to “pull her into his arms and tell her she’s the one he wants.” Maybe she’s finally tapped into the human dilemma. Crazy in love is for suckers.

[9] Is it: A) Because the lack of a ring on her finger has turned her into a cold, metallic object.

B) A sly Inspector Gadget reference.

C) Because Beyoncé actually has no left hand, you insensitive assduck.

D) For grabbing all the cool prizes.

[10] The real spectacle of this version of “A Milli” is ?uestlove holding it down on the drums and vocals. Between The Roots’ excellent Rising Down and the Al Green joint, dude’s had a hell of a year. Did we mention that he plays the drums?

[11] Seals don’t wear pants!

[12] It only gets better: Hypnotic Brass Ensemble are eight sons of former Sun Ra’s Arkestra trumpeter Phil Cochran, who have recently relocated to New York from Chicago, and can be seen busking on downtown street corners when they’re not playing Lincoln Center. Single of the year?

[13] You don’t want Jack White using synthesizers. You don’t want AC/DC making a concept album full of power-ballads. Nobody wanted to see The Rolling Stones go disco. And I don’t care how many people want to hear Kanye West rock an album’s worth of AutoTuned singing, it’s still a horrible idea. Sometimes the best thing you can do is play to your strengths, and Busta’s unparalleled at fast rapping, costume wearing, chorus slinging, goofy facing, and silly assing. We wouldn’t have him any other way. Plus: bongos.

[14] Boy, do Vivian Girls’ popularity not make any sense to us. Notice how they can’t even keep up the tempo they set in the beginning, so the song slows down before the first vocals. The entire rest of the song feels like it drags.

[15] Their moroseness may or may not be a put on, but it’s such an insufferable indie-rock signifier that it taints their music. Such a limited emotional range makes it feel as if you’re hearing music through a pinhole camera.

[16] Dear ~~Tucker~~ Stinky,

Sometimes we don’t understand you. Doesn’t Moby singing with Fucked Up seem like a blatant example of his poseurism at its worst? At least Last Night, for all of its cheezetastic poppy goodness is a pretty accurate reflection of the consummate panderer that Moby is. Sure, it’s hooky and drippy and overtly soul-less. But it’s also a straight-up no frills house album with questionable true audience appeal—and in that respect it’s way more punk rock than this garbage. Look at how more effort he puts into being hardcore in the video. It would almost be cute if he weren’t, like, 45 trying to be 18. We’re going to need you to re-examine your priorities. The next time you give a positive review to a dude with a half-beard, we’re going to have to have a sit-down. And this time, your little trick with doing a number two in your pants won’t get you out of it like it did last time.