Comics Of The Weak: Taste This. There's Something Funny About It.

Brave & The Bold won't screw up our schedule, but we will call in a pinch-hitter.

Batman and the Outsiders #13
Written by Frank Tieri
Art by Fernando Dagnino & Raul Fernandez
Published by DC Comics

After all this time, some of us still get wet for the “Assembling a Team” issues, where the villains all run wild in the streets, each announced with their name in a little snappy font beside them.  Someone’s got to run every available hero through a super-computer and then convince each of them individually to band together for the greater good, am I right?  These are the salad days.  The problem with Batman and the Outsiders #13 is that Frank Tieri can’t decide whether he loves comics or hates himself.  Every “Assembling a Team” cliché (and I think that we can all agree that they became clichés because they’re fucking awesome) feels like Tieri’s real pissed off he has to use it, so he’s trying extra extra hard.  His over-saturation of “What the--?”s, for example, may tickle all kinds of little fun spots in my brain, but they also indicate that Tieri might feel like he’s writing a satire for himself, but giving us “what we want.”  So the whole thing gets washed over with mild contempt for what he’s writing.  When he describes The Penguin’s new job as a host in a wanky restaurant as, “the indignity he now endures, having to sling drinks to these Intergang lowlifes,” it’s hard not to imagine Tieri feeling indignified himself by what he feels is slinging trite hero stories to fanboy lowlifes.  Of course, that all happens as an undercurrent to the story.  At the end of the day, Tieri’s probably an immensely clever dude who’s probably not having a whole lot of fun.  There are a couple of gags that even fly, despite their derision for hero comics dressed up as mild satire, like the What Happened To Batman pool (Odds that “The Damned Bat Didn’t Go Anywhere”: 100-1.)  Fernando Dagnino, on the other hand, might be having a little too much fun.  He lives in a strange little world where men’s mouths expand to fit around an enormous laser blast the moment before they die and Batgirl has to jump in the air to catch a punch.  Dagnino decides that he’s going to reveal Batgirl’s emotional arc solely through the positioning of her cape.  While surfing that super-computer in search of possible allies, Batgirl’s cape sticks out straight behind her like she sprayed it with a whole can of Aquanet.  Since the scene takes place in the Batcave, it could have been explained by the wind—if it weren’t in the exact same position for four consecutive panels.  Then, after she’s given a talking-to by Alfred, it finally droops, as if to show her disappointment.  When she gets randy it will stick out straight it front of her, making it difficult to fight the supervillains she secretly has a thang for.

Robin #180
“Story Told” by Fabian Nicieza & Freddie Williams II
Published by DC Comics

Old pro Fabian Nicieza writes gleefully in the style that Frank Tieri mocks in Batman and the Outsiders #13—the self-deprecating hero/villain banter, the weirdly-motivated criminals, the secret identities, the civilians in danger, the James-Bond-weapons-as-deus-ex-machinas, all the things you want from no frills superhero comics.  Nicieza is no more clever than Tieri, nor does he operate on some sort of grander thematic level, but because he simply believes in the form he’s writing in, and constantly pushes the plot forward, attentive to the reader’s experience without manipulating it, Robin #180 is a surprisingly fun read.  Action happens, conspiracies are hinted at, and even last month’s quibble about the inconsistency of a character threatening to shoot Spoiler in the face and catching her shoulder gets addressed.

The Punisher #64
Written by Gregg Hurwitz
Art by Laurence Campbell
Published by MAX/Marvel Comics

Some notes:

• I love the device of defining the Mexican character by having him say one of the three Spanish words every sentence, so you get lines like, “That fucking gringo lords it over us.  The heavy, mi ass.  Thinks his mierda don’t stink” and “This pendejo out there on the loose is fucking loco” and “Code rojo.”  It’s inspired me to address the following question to writer Gregg Hurwitz in the Xhosa tongue:  “Where did you go to characterization school, you ǃgk͡x ŋǃŋ̊ʰ?”
  

• I love the need to open with two naked chicks and a pile of blow, as if we didn’t already know that the MAX logo means The Punisher: Now With 20% More Titties (And, Actually, A Lot Less Violence, But Some Dude Gets Stabbed In The Neck).
  

• You ever seen Ghosts of Mars?  It’s Ice Cube.  On Mars.  And he’s kickin’ ass.
  

Foolkiller: White Angels #5
Written by Gregg Hurwitz
Art by Paul Azaceta
Published by MAX/Marvel Comics

Having your protagonist lynch a bunch of decapitated white supremacists isn’t an anti-racist statement.  It’s a fucking racist statement—belittling actual, historical suffering for cheap entertainment.  I’m sure that Gregg Hurwitz and Paul Azaceta think they’re being totally edgy, but Foolkiller: White Angels #5 is just bad porn.  Judging by this and The Punisher, Hurwitz’s (and by extension, MAX’s) M.O. is simply to string together a bunch of exploitative images and hope for titillating sociopaths—which is, you know, fine.  But exploiting hate crimes to not only sell comics, but try to make your main character look like a hero?  It’s some scumbag level shit.  Fuck them, and fuck this book.

John Constantine: Hellblazer #249
Written by Andy Diggle
Art by Leonardo Manco
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

Andy Diggle tries to pull off a big, movie-style reveal in the form of a lengthy dialog between two people in an isolated place.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t do great dialog, and the reveal will more-than-likely have little impact on the Hellblazer storyline as a whole, making this issue pretentious, high-concept filler.  He front-loads it with window kicking, fire alarm pulling and coke snorting, though, so tits to him.

Ghost Rider #29
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Tan Eng Huat
Published by Marvel Comics

Strangely, Ghost Rider #29 has much of the same plot as Hellblazer #249—an ethical difference that pits brother against brother in an exotic locale.  Jason Aaron doesn’t have Diggle’s hubris to think that he can carry the story with dialog, so makes a healthy ass kicking do a good amount of the talking, and let's Tan Eng Huat slow-play the art.  Two Ghost Riders dueling in an empty open field doesn’t give a whole lot of options in terms of visual diversity, especially when the fight climaxes in what amounts to a glorified staring contest, but I could read a comic book in which a flaming skull slowly devours a shake and Biggie Fries and be totally satisfied.  And, since Aaron appears to want to turn Ghost Rider into the new Green Lantern Corps, there’s going to be plenty of opportunity for flaming skulls to be drawn doing mundane shit.  I would like to put in a request for trampolines.

The Age of the Sentry #3
Written by Jeff Parker
Art by Nick Dragotta & Gary Martin
Published by Marvel Comics

The Age of the Sentry #3 wants to be a satire of old-school comic books, but doesn’t have any bite to it to make it actual, you know, satire—so it just ends up as an homage to old school comics that spends a lot of time laughing at how people from the Ozarks talk.  They do talk funny, though.  Mountain people have such small heads.  Ever notice that?

Punisher War Journal #25
Written by Matt Fraction & Rick Remender
Art by Howard Chaykin
Published by Marvel Comics

It’s like Matt Fraction wrote a page and passed it to Rick Remender, who wrote a page and passed it back to Matt Fraction, and so on until they both had a delightful little afternoon of trying to out-crazy each other.  They pack so much shit into Punisher War Journal #25 that not only is it impossible to follow, it actually pulls off the feat of making a headbutting Skrull Frankenstein completely uninteresting.  Here’s what I could make out: [Spoilers, yo!]  Rampage wants to kill the shit out of The Punisher, except that he really just wants to make him cry, except that he really wants to throw him through a window, except that he really just wants him to admit that he killed my girlfriend.  I mean Rampage’s girlfriend.  The Punisher, master strategist that he is, somehow doesn’t take the tactic of simply telling Rampage, “Dude, I was brainwashed.  What do you want from me?” and, instead, says something like “Shoot me! Just shoot me in the face!  I deserve it!”  At this point, said Skrull Frankenstein Gigantor knocks out a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent with a wave of purple light and then headbutts him in the gut.  S.H.I.E.L.D. Guy decides to dive toward Rampage and The Punisher and with Skrull Frankenstein Gigantor Jingleheimer Schmidt (whose legs are now only 1 foot long) jumping behind him.  S.F.G.J.S. knocks Rampage out with an elbow and The Punisher screams, “Get up!  Get up and fight you sack of shit!”  For a second, The Punisher and Skrullkenstein are on the same team, until S.H.I.E.L.D. Boy starts throwing a weird orange stick around (Is it a crossbow?  Is it a severed leg off of a 8 foot tall cockroach?)  They all break some glass and play a little Dance Dance Revolution (How else to explain three people running in the exact same position?)  What the--? Sniper!  The weird orange stick is now a twisty straw used to kill the Big Bad Headbutting Skrull Behemoth.  Shots are fired, the body gets used as a shield.  The Punisher asks, “The Shooter.  Where?”  Rampage and S.H.I.E.L.D. Man stand out in the open, stare blankly at The Punisher and say, “Where the shots are coming from, dumbass.”  Everyone gets shot somewhere—shoulders, ankles, shoulders.  The sniper is a Skrull!  S.H.I.E.L.D. Dude forgets about the Skrull Sniper for a second and runs across a large open space to tongue kiss The Punisher.  He gets shot, but only in the shoulder.  It is revealed that Skrulls believe that the phrase “Wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve” is actually an anatomical pneumonic, and that’s why they only shoot people in the damn shoulder.  Rampage crawls over and volunteers to take out the sniper.  The Punisher says, “We can’t kill each other if the sniper does it first.”  Rampage says, “Whoa whoa whoa, a couple of minutes ago you were begging me to shoot you in the face and now you want to play Kill Each Othersies?  You’re a dick!  Make up your mind!”  The Punisher and S.H.I.E.L.D. Donkey then attempt to cover Rampage by shooting at someone unknown on ground level instead of at the sniper.  S.H.I.E.L.D.Y. reveals that Rampage is a cop killer, which makes The Punisher ril ril mad.  Rampage finds the Skrull sniper and tells him to aim for people’s heads and then kills him, sending him a total mixed message.  Somewhere, a child is crying.  Rampage picks up the sniper’s gun and tries to shoot The Punisher, because 1) he doesn’t want to make him cry anymore and 2) he would rather shoot him from a distance than from a couple feet away from him like he was minutes ago.  The Punisher kicks Rampage in the face.  He didn’t know where the sniper was before, but now he does.  Showdown!  The Punisher fucks up Rampage’s face with some electrical black squiggly lines.  There’s three more Skrulls on the loose!  But only one Skrull gun!  But it’s a big Skrull gun!  S.H.I.E.L.D. Pimp takes out all three Skrulls with one shot, because he now has both the higher ground and extra-sensory perception.  “Get off of my planet!  Somebody hand me a number 2 pencil, because these Skrull motherfuckers are testing me!”  Everyone has now beamed to the same location.  S.H.I.E.L.D. Fuck is holding Rampage in his arms—they’re on the same side now.  Rampage says, “Kill… kill… Bridge?”  The Punisher grabs a gun and runs.  Cut to the hospital, and Rampage with a face full of stitches.  Balloons drop from the ceiling.  S.H.I.E.L.D. Nuts is standing in the doorway.  “This town needs an enema.  Phonebook!”  Credits roll.  Somehow I am still confused.

-Martin Brown, 2008

Comments

[Juan Arteaga]

The problem with The Outsiders, other than being The Outsiders, is that I think this is, at least, the third time we have seen the gathering of the team. So after kicking out the Dixon guys, whatever remained from the aborted Bedard run, and killing the one or two new characters nobody gave a damn about... we got yet another gathering of heroes. And considering Tieri hasn't been named the official on-going replacement yet, I think we still have one or two more gatherings to go before this stupid title takes a course and sticks with it.

Now, about Hispanic characters speaking mangled Spanglish, while it is annoying, nothing is as annoying as the Hispanic Female Wildcat from the 80s, who not only used random words in Spanish in every sentence, but also translated them to English even if she was just speaking to herself or thinking. "I must go see my familia, which significa my family, and significa means 'means'"

[arch 14]

Haven't read The Sentry #3 - but the first two issues were excellent. I don't think it was ever aiming to satirize golden/silver age comics - which is fine by me. An enjoyable romp, which is more than I can say for most comics.

[Marty]

Juan,

Honestly, I could read an entire series that gathered a new team every issue. Something about it sets off all the parts of me that want to build my own team. In real life. And, yeah, that Wildcat quote trumps all.

Arch 14,

The Age of the Sentry is pleasant enough, but it just doesn't have good enough ideas to make it really great, so it counts on simply having a different tone to make it fly--which makes it pretty disposable, at the end of the day. The first half of issue #3 is pretty much "point at the yokel"--a cheap and easy gag that they don't even mine for a whole lot of funny.

[Kenny]

Marty! It was a pleasant surprise seeing you do this article! Your Punisher recap rules all!

[arch 14]

heh - I *still* haven't read Sentry #3 yet (don't visit the comic shop often) - but maybe I'll post my opinion when I do. I imagine I won't really disagree much. To me most comics are 'disposable' - a kind of junkfood pasttime i indulge in sometimes - *especially* superhero comics. And I've kind of latched on to Parker as a writer who brings the most entertainment for my comic dollar (well, him and Brubaker - but for completely different reasons).

Anyway - I basically enjoy the comic for its aesthetic, which I admit it relies upon quite heavily.