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2008.11.09

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This is going to sound like a total lie (it isn't), but I've been waiting for a chance to use "Who else wants to fuck with Hollywood Cole?" as a title for a post for weeks now and you stole it from me. Unforgivable :(

I bought that Daredevil/Captain America one-shot. The only part of it I don't regret is the fact that it ties into Frank Miller's first issue of Daredevil, which was before it even got good. It's the equivalent of finding out that I Am Legend is an alternate universe Fresh Prince of Bel-air spinoff.

My blogging buddy (ugh) Gavin brought up a good point-- NYC flooding would have instantly killed millions of New Yorkers. Good thing those superheroes (who can't swim?) were there to, uh, die in completely empty streets.

That book is beyond worthless.

Is Secret Six about more than just gay jokes now? I liked the first mini a lot, and I was hoping to get the same silly fun out of Secret Six, but the first issue was all, "You're gay!" "No, you are!" It was just a lousy excuse of disguising poor characterization with flimsy, "aren't we daring because we're being all non-PC???"

Speaking of PC, I *really* hate that new "I'm a PC" commercial where that blond chick is all, "I'm a PC...and I don't mean politically correct" then makes a goofy face like she just made this wondefully funny and insightful gag that was taboo. I don't have a witty insight here, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

I kinda enjoyed Final Crisis: Submit. It was a Hell of a lot better than anything else Final Crisis so far.

Okay, who the fuck spilled the beans about my predilection towards canine phalli?????????????????????

Seriously, though, Submit was sort of fascinating in the same way it'd be interesting to see Michael Jackson play the accordion, Scottie Pippen play polo or Brad Meltzer write a good comic - it's interesting to see "I love the high concept and the big picture" Grant Morrison try to tell a really human, street-level story, and even if there are areas where he doesn't succeed it's still at least a worthwhile exercise. Resist, on the other hand, was two dudes doing the shit they do when they are at the top of their game, so it's not really that shocking that it's better since Rucka is pretty comfortable with this kind of material.

The less said about Ultimatum, the better - actually, no, wait, that's a fucking lie, there really aren't enough awful things to say about this piece of shit comic. For fuck's sake, THE DUDE WITH FEATHERED WINGS FLEW IN WATER. And then outside of the water! With his magical waterproof wings that don't absorb water!

The thing that kills me about Ultimatum from an art standpoint is that it looks like Finch is now swiping all his facial models from screen grabs of the Tim Burton Planet of the Apes remake. Script wise, i don't know that much can be said that tops what your podcasting pals called "all-climax porn." Every panel is a cliffhanger, it's like watching a 12 year old direct an episode of 24.

Submit has a certain "let's see how Alan Moore writes Grifter and Zealot" thing going, sure, but the art was so horrible--it was like photoshopped GI Joe figures with paper plates attached where the face is supposed to go. Where's his newspaper bag for seven pages? Feet is one thing, but what comic artist can't draw a human hand? Blagh.

I remember kind of liking Finch's work on Ultimate X-Men back in the day, but then Disassembled/New Avengers came around and I realized that, hey, all of this guy's faces are the same. And all of these poses are stiff. And people don't really move at all. And wow, I cannot tell anyone apart this is ridiculous.

Finch is in the same boat as Ed Benes for me.

Ultimatum is such a joke of a story. Hulk is at least enjoyable on a "Okay, here is the Hulk and he wants to fight everything and everyone" hindbrain level, but Ultimatum is just stupid.

Gavin pointed out that the flood that killed all those heroes? It caused a bunch of people in the future (Such as Iron Man Ben Grimm, Scott Summers Captain America, and other awful characters) to come back in past to fight the others for some reason. And they never bothered to say "hey dudes, november 9th? Giant flood coming, evacuate New York."

Completely inept.

After three of those reviews in a row ran the gamut of deviant behavior (child torture, bestiality, and coprophagia), I couldn't read phrases like "blow a few minutes" and "fucking Catman" without imagining all sorts of awful stuff. Damn you.

Oh, David that reminds me of my favorite thing about Finch, which is that you can take that Bendis Wolverine story, where Wolverine goes and kills the kid who killed his whole town, and then compare it to Wolverine stories in New Avengers, and it's the same facial reaction over and over--except that in one, it's Wolverine all worked up over some execution style emotion and in another it's him cracking jokes about Spider-Man's costume. I feel like Finch made a decision about ten years ago that this was how Wolverine reacts to life, all the time, whether he's playing Frogger, having sex, or killing children. No variation. (Benes has the same problem, but that guy sort of gets a vague pass in my brain because he refers to the Justice League as "the most important work of my career." And it's just like--oh no, don't say that man. Just don't.)

And Matt, go with that feeling. Take it all the way home.

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