Final Crisis # 5
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by JG Jones, Carlos Pacheco, Marco Rudy, Jesus Merino & Alex Sincllair
Published by DC Comics
Here's how these things work, these event comics: you take a creative team, you force feed them every piece of minutiae you can find in your current super-hero line, then you give them a couple of hours to digest before making them all throw up into tiny jars. (The jars will be the issues of the comic that you publish!) The problem with the process is that what you end up with is the same thing you end up with when you combine a whole bunch of paint--it's drab, it's brown, no one really likes it, but it's not like you can undo it, so everybody just figures, fuck it, I'm not going to buy new paint right now, this will have to work. The level at which you can get the shit to be interesting--which is pretty much your only real goal, because anything in it that's entertaining is going to be a fluke occurrence--is totally dependent on how much of the wacky shit you put in there, how much weird shit the writer likes as ingredients, and how much of the heavy shit--the Batman, the Superman, the big A-list stuff--gets mixed in. After all, there's nothing that's going to be new with the big guys, the status quo for them is always going to stay the same. If you mix in too much, then it's just Superman covered in shit, and that's how you get the museum shut down, because people get really upset when you take a dump on Superman, no matter how much he says he likes it. That--that little description right there--that's pretty much what a lot of Final Crisis was like for the first three issues. There was some cleverness, but it was always a hint of cleverness, a wink that said "just you wait, I have something else in this bag, but first you have to take your medicine." It was drab, dull shit that only sort of got away with it by turning up the volume so loud and changing the pace so frequently that it still felt better than a lot of other stuff, but it wasn't anything new, and it wasn't anything fresh, and it sure as hell wasn't anything special. But then something happened, and while it's now going through all kinds of random art problems, Final Crisis started hitting its stride with the last issue, and then it really got moving in this one. It might just be the pacing that jumps from place to place while still reading cohesively, the "gosh and golly" tone that ignores the skips past the tendency to wink or apologize, or the fact that Grant Morrison has decided that if he's going to take the hits, he mine as well take the chances, but Final Crisis # 5 is the best edition of super-hero event comic vomit since that Crisis On Infinite Earths thing they did back in the ye olde days of being ye and being olde. It's crazy, silly bullshit about women riding mutant dogs, it's about finding ways not to make Green Lanterns look and sound like total fucking losers, it's about tiger men fighting with magic elephant guns, it's about logic and consistency taking a vacation to Metron setting the record on a Rubik's cube, and while it can't redeem what came before, which was a lot of stuff that was dull, garish and worst of all, stupid, it does well to redeem a guy who can still take these things--these silly bullshit things made for adults while suffering the weight of a child's entertainment history--and make them work in such a way that makes you wish it had been this way all along. This kind of wacky? This is the way they should be doing the vomit jars all the time. At least that way you'd get to see more mutant dogs.
Secret Invasion: Dark Reign # 1
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Alex Maleev & Dean White
Published by Marvel Comics
First things first: why isn't it a bigger news that Namor is suffering from a terminal illness? Based on this comic, the guy is either undergoing chemotherapy or untreated syphilis. How does no one else in the room--oh, this is one of those "look, spandex people talk in rooms, just like you" comics--mention that? You'd think Emma Frost would be more leery of exposing that much flesh in a room with somebody who looks like a petri dish of various diseases, unless blowing Scott Summers has given her some kind of death wish. Beyond that, the only notable thing to have happen in this, a comic that's nothing more than a Bizarro version of that New Avengers: Illuminati one-shot from the exact same creative team, is the opportunity to see Alex Maleev draw a woman in complete opposition to the script that Bendis wrote. For whatever reason, Maleev decided to ignore the portion of the script that said "this female version of Loki is attractive," choosing instead to draw her in a random number of panels with her cleavage in a fashion that looks like a photorealist take on the human ass, while skewing her eyeballs so asymmetrically that it looks like one is going to pop out of the socket while the other one crawls into her brain. Other than that, it's a four dollar comic that exists so it can tell you that Norman Osborn keeps a monster in a room that scares people, and the discovery of who that monster is will probably be the major shocker that keeps people frantically keeping up with the new Marvel event, which is this one, which has started right after the last one, which ended, sort of, last week.
B.P.R.D. War On Frogs # 2
Written by John Arcudi
Art by John Severin & Dave Stewart
Published by Dark Horse Comics
Yes, the John Severin from Frontline Combat and Two-Fisted Tales, and yes, another done-in-one B.P.R.D. comic about those frog things that show up when Mignola and crew don't feel like designing new monsters. While John Arcudi flies solo on the scripting, this sort of thing is such an auto-pilot plot at this point that the absence of Mignola--or, for that matter, any activity on the part of B.P.R.D. characters short of Abe Sapian sitting in a chair and being scared--isn't really that noticeable. As is mentioned in the back pages, Severin isn't a big monster and gore guy, but it's unlikely anybody would say that after reading this short little adventure in survival horror--there's a team! Dying one by one! It looks cool! It's completely predictable! Pretty great if you're an art fan, pretty much disposable shlock if you're looking for something more, and while the shlock level at which a guy like John Arcudi operates is still pretty high, the release schedule of the B.P.R.D. is now at the point where they don't get to fly solely by having come out. Well, except for the whole John Severin thing. What a pimp.
Crossed # 2
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Jacen Burrows & Juanmar
Published by Avatar
Garth's not-a-zombie comic that reads like a zombie comic continues with more of the same, and while it's probably best received as a joke--everything in it occurs with a cartoonish imitation of every single story trope used in a zombie story--there's still a certain level at which it's somewhat distinct, mostly because it's so hard to comprehend this version of the post-apocalyptic story ending with anything less than every single character failing to achieve a single goal; it's unlikely they have a quiet farming life in the wilds of Alaska ahead of them, hell, it's unlikely they'll survive to the next page, most of the time. If Ennis and Burrows have anything like a theme or overall idea going with this series other then "what does it look like when men masturbate onto a bowl of bullets", it isn't an obvious one. The thing that hurts Crossed the most--something that isn't in the comic--is the Ennis claim that Crossed will "out-Preacher Preacher", a series that, you know, had an actual story behind it beyond "look at all the nasty shit Jacen Burrows draws like a porny take on the old X-Men cartoon." Considering that none of the characters ever approach the level at which the reader cares about them (something Preacher was able to pull off), the attraction here is a simple one: do you like it when people get their heads blown off and people got shot with sperm bullets? It's okay if you don't want to answer. Avatar knows what you're going to say already.
In a side note, Australian masturbators shouldn't worry about the legal ramifications of picking up Crossed: the credits page includes the same warning that hardcore porn starts with, that being "All characters depicted in this story are over the age of 18." Feel free to grab some cold cream, mate!
Detective Comics # 851
Written by Denny O'Neill
Art by Guillem March
Published by DC Comics
If you've never read a story where Nightwing wanders around like a morose boy band fan, with his mournful feelings over the absence of Kevin Richardson filled in by moments where he looks at pictures of Kevin Richardson and talks to Kevin Richardson's friends about his personal inability to fill Kevin Richardson's shoes, then Denny O'Neill has popped up after years of being fondly remembered by not being involved with Countdown or other shitty DC comics to take care of you by dumping a colostomy bag on his own memory and churning out some old school "this means nothing" super-hero comic. New character that you won't read about anywhere else or remember--looks like 2008 has it's own Magpie! Check out Detective Comics # 851 if you're one of those people who might get upset five years from now by not knowing her name before she gets killed along with other useless side characters in an attempt to make a super-villain seem "intense." Otherwise, this is paint-by-numbers comic books, and the excitement level is based in totality over your preference for an artist who seems bored, a writer who doesn't care, and the opportunity to have the issue of Nightwing Detective Comics that came out after the last one.
Final Crisis: Revelations # 4
Written by Greg Rucka
Art by Philip Tan, Jonathan Glapion & Nei Ruffino
Published by DC Comics
For those who don't keep up, Final Crisis: Revelations is sort of a horror comic in appearance written by a guy who is clearly collecting a paycheck about what sort of religious system exists in the DC Universe of characters. Each issue includes various characters shouting things about faith, forgiveness, spears, and whether or not they are sinners. It has a character called "Radiant" who was, according to the implications of some throwaway dialog that isn't very subtle, raped a lot of times, because in the DC Universe, God has instituted gang-rape as his way of initiating women into the process of becoming angels, which is reason number 586 why it's a bad idea to use realism in DC comics, because nobody wants to read about that, ever, anywhere, no matter how many times they've laughed their ass off while watching that French guy play with a fire extinguisher in the film Irreversible. It's creepy and fucked up, and it's even more creepy and fucked up because it's a writer that actually has some pretty great stuff in his catalog. It also won't end up having much to do with the bigger Final Crisis series except for a couple of panels where Grant Morrison will have a character ask one of the Revelations characters what they were doing, and that character--probably this Renee Montaya person--will tell the reader everything they need to know about the Revelations mini-series, and you won't have to read about how gang-rape gives you the super-power to forgive gang rapists.
Punisher War Zone # 1
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Steve Dillon & Matt Hollingsworth
Published by Marvel Comics
While the idea of this comic is pretty much an exact definition of "going back to the well" and the comic itself isn't that much different, while it is expensive and will be collected in a trade paperback in about two months, and while it doesn't have any cross-over importance in that you'll find out spoiler type information before it shows up on a comic book website, it's still Garth Ennis and Steve Dill...hey, wait a fucking second. It's a four dollar comic that will get collected in trade in about two months and it's going to be a direct sequel to "Welcome Back Frank" where a bunch of jokes get recycled and updated, the first joke being a new trip to the zoo? Thank God the Factual Opinion gets paid so well. Ya'll out of work people are getting fucked on this one. Hey! A monkey ripped off a guys penis! Monkey fed a vulture. Monkey fed a vulture! Kewl.
Secret Six # 4
Written by Gail Simone
Art by Nicola Scott, Jason Wright & Doug Hazlewood
Published by DC Comics
Whereas guys like Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench wanted Bane to be treated like some kind of serious character, Gail Simone has figured out that his personality should match his outfit: completely ridiculous, covered in leather. And while Secret Six still has to go through the motions of being a comic book about a bunch of silly characters with names like Catman, Ragdoll and Scandal, it's rapidly turned into the only thing that DC puts out that doesn't operate from the place of being "totally fucking for real take me seriously why don't more people care about super-hero comics" type shit. There's no way this goofball parade can work for long, and there's nothing that will ever get anybody to "respect" or "care about" characters like Scandal Savage, but it is kind of funny and drawn pretty well. Whereas it's still pretty much the same kind of "super-hero prom" that Secret Invasion was, with all kinds of lame villains showing up to say their name really loud before getting punched in the face, it--unlike Secret Invasion--might actually be a prom worth going to. It's still six kinds of crass and sleazy, but it's the kind of crass and sleazy you won't need to do ten years of binge drinking to forget about.
100 Bullets # 98
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Eduardo Risso
Published by Vertigo Comics
100 Bullets has had plenty of cliffhanger endings before. Hell, they've had plenty of cliffhanger endings this year, just during this twelve part storyline. In fact, if issue 99 doesn't end with a cliffhanger, the only possible reason for that will be because Brian Azzarello had Don Rosa ghost write the issue. And while whatever that issue's "oh shit, what happens next" moment will be, it's going to have to involve something like laser pistols and the final Cylon reveal to top this one.
-Tucker Stone, 2008
Over at comiXology, we're gearing up to close out 2008 with a look at the best comics of the year. First thing we have to do is pick out what doesn't have a shot, and as an added bonus, take a look at the worst super-hero comic of the year. Steaming, these dumps. Steaming like the dickens.
Did Ennis make that "out-Preacher Preacher" claim again? He originally did that for The Boys; I wasn't aware he had also said that for Crossed. It certainly seems weird in the latter case; the two series don't really seem all that comparable.
Posted by: Matthew J. Brady | 2008.12.16 at 23:19
I've been looking around Matt, and I think I may have bought into something that wasn't coming from Ennis, but from--well, random internet dude like me. I'm going to google around a bit more today, but I think i'll probably add in something like "i was wrong on this." As far as I can tell so far, the "out preacher preacher" quote got re-used a bunch when Crossed 0 dropped, but it was just pr shit that people were bringing up in regards to The Boys. At this point, I'm leaning towards him not saying it regarding this series.
Posted by: Tucker Stone | 2008.12.17 at 08:44