The Virgin Read: Nice Try Dwayne. But You Can't Fool Me.

Justice League of America # 27
Written by Dwayne McDuffie
Art by Ed Benes
Published by DC Comics

A milestone event!

The issue is called, “Be Careful What You Wish For..” 

Oh, I wish this comic book would be good.  I wish I wish I wish I wish.  I wish this comic would be funny or smart or interesting or somewhat good.

“Be careful what you wish for” because all expectation ends in disappointment.  With comics.  I guess. 

All right. Let me come clean.  I didn’t wish that this comic would be good.  I wished it would be SO bad!  SO bad that it would be fun to review it.  I mean--that cover!  That cover has to be of something bad.  

Guess what?  I sort of got what I wished for.  I’m gonna jump around here a bit.  Because, wow, I just finished this little episode.  As per usual, I don’t really know who’s who and who’s sleeping with who in this little soap opera of superheroes, but I do now know that somebody is sleeping with somebody, and I didn't know that before.  The whole “roll call” thing on page 4 and 5 is hilarious!  Is it supposed to be?  I wasn't supposed to take that seriously, right?  Of course, there's also a page of the entire Justice League in a column of faces down the right side of the page.  That totally confused me.  I gathered that the two page spread of these new-to-me superheroes was being introduced for a reason, and that it would eventually be revealed who they were, as a group, and what their motive is.  But then--after I'd figured that they were a super-group of bad guys, I see them grouped with the JLA on this page.  Which makes me, me being me, me being "not-caring, let's get on with it, please and thank you", think that they are some sort of Junior Varsity Justice League, and the reason I don't know them is because they aren't seniors yet. 

This is not so, I learnt later.  Oh dear reader, it was an amazing reveal.  It was the sort of reveal that made me change my pants and close the shades.  I can’t suppress my feelings and wait until the end of this review where it should go, these dear feelings I had.  After this whole issue goes by and I’m beginning to get a grasp of what's going on, they are officially revealed.  Using what looks suspiciously like Microsoft Word “WordArt.”  We are told, “My name is ICON.  My Associates are the SHADOW CABINET.”

...

What?

The "Shadow Cabinet?"  Is that supposed to sound cool?  Or bad ass?  I mean, it sounded cool when I put it on my bridal registry at Crate & Barrel to match my “Nuit” dish set.  Oh wait.  That wasn't cool at all.  Because it was a special cabinet to put my new china serving plate in.  Because that's what they call that, that special cabinet for china.  They call it a "Shadow Cabinet." 

That’s the best, most menacing team name that ya’ll could come up with?  I think we could do better, don’t you?  (I invite you to.  Please!) 

I just can’t get over it.  Under it, around it, through it.  It's where I put...look, okay.  That's what I'm thinking about.  Read on, sure, I won't mention it again.  It's a place to put china.  There, last time.  Let me back up and point, and laugh, at some other things. 

It started off kind of fun.  I enjoyed the very bitchy Dr. Kimiyo Hoshi.  Initially, I even enjoyed her little inner monologue.  Hey, whatever.  It was entertaining.  It goes something like this:  “I hate my job.  Too specific.  I hate my whole miserable life.  I hate having to live in the united States,  I really hate that I had to move the kids here…”  It goes on a little bit more like that.   But all of a sudden--and it's sudden, like they just switched writers mid-narration, probably happened like this  “Dude, I gotta take this call – can you finish Dr. Bitchy’s inner thought process…be sure you let the reader know who she used to be.” Off new writer goes, and suddenly she goes from what could seem to be a real thoughts that a person would have, into this overt, unnatural “telling” of her history as if she’s sure someone is listening to her thoughts.  I will type it right here for your reading pleasure:

“But mostly I hate that my powers are all screwed up.  Oh, yes.  I used to have powers.  I used to be in the Justice League.  But that was before they were stolen from me….” 

On and on it goes.  It goes like this--this direct to reader monologue about her past--for pages.  Look, I've made it clear before: I appreciate the recap.  I will always appreciate a recap.  But that’s just bad writing.  Seriously.  There’s no other way to have her reflecting on her life and giving us the full picture without it seeming so ridiculous? 

Moving on.

Angels are having sex?  Uh-huh.  Seems a little raw and offensive to me to.  But hey, they’re drawn ripped and hot, so whatever.  What’s awesomely awful is that for five panels, they are tumbling and tusselling and making love afloat in the air.  Then the girl--her name is Kendra apparently--calls the guy named Roy, by some other guy’s name (Carter!).  And suddenly, they are in a bed somewhere.   So, were they metaphorically floating through the heavens?  Or truly?  How would I know…I’ve never read this comic before.  These two might have the superpowers of that turn them into angels or, they may generally be seen with wings (and naked) flying around the sky.  Seriously, I honestly don’t know if that was intentional, or just meant to be illustratively poetic.  Its all new to me.  So, points off for you, artist. Is that supposed to be a dream sequence?  If it is, it's not drawn in a distinct enough way to know that it's a dream.  And if it is a dream, is she dreaming about Carter?  Because that dude sure looks a lot like Roy.  But what really throws me, and that is if this is in fact a dream, that in the very first panel it says: St. Roch, Louisiana.  Usually when things are given a place, it indicates reality.  Just like when one turns the page and see's Buddy and that Halle Berry looking chick and it says, Washington, D.C. - The Hall of Justice.   Yes, they look like they are in a jungle, but it is quickly revealed that they are in a "simulation."  Simulations and dream are not the same thing.

I get 500 points.  I have confused myself. 

I don’t know who Kendra is.  Who Roy is.  Who Carter is.  Although Roy let’s us know he’s a super-hero…I still don’t follow this part of the story.  I’m not sure if I see him again later.  I flipped through trying to find his costume.  But they all look so similar.  That's another thing--everybody in here--they all look the same.  Faces, bodies, it's just the color of the costume.  Why go through this?

After the whining, after the sex, there’s this whole other passage with Buddy and the ass girls.  Seriously.  Someone really likes drawing women’s asses.  Side by side ass-shots on the bottom of page nine.  Is that a course in drawing school?  Female Superhero Ass Drawing 101.   Speaking of bodies and costumes and stuff, someone tell “Donner” that Britney called and wants her “oops I did it again” red catsuit back. 

Finally we get to have a little action.  A little plot.  As I’m reading, I’m not sure why this group is after the Doctor Light person.  It's never made clear.  If it IS stated, it is not clear.  (Or I am stupid.)  And you know what?  If a comic book has made me feel, act or behave like I’m stupid, well then, more points off for you, comic book team!  I won't be taking the blame on this one!  The sci-fi aspect of it in the action portion is kind of cool, or maybe it's just not as dumb and weird as the other stuff, and since they're right next to each other, and....well, I don't know.  Maybe it's just "kinda cool" and I don't want it to be.  The doctor moving at light speed so they cannot catch her, them tricking her, ha ha ha, you've been tricked, you just ran into a cloud of ultracooled atoms.  Now you can't run anymore, bitchy lady!  Interesting, interesting.  Clever, even. 

Oh, wait.  One problem I had.  WHY ARE THEY THERE?  What do they want with her, from her, for her? 

We never find out. 

We just know that she uses a really old distress beacon thing and calls the JLA, and meanwhile Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman are having a secret tribunal and get busted by fishnet-ass lady.  Ah---ah---there it is again.  Big ol’ ass shot on the bottom of the page.  And a gross un-sexy crotch shot, too.  I mean, I like my special lady parts.  But really, that?  That's just gross.   Anyhow…I don’t really know what all this fuss is about.  People are mad...why again?  People are upset with each other because that will help them get...what?   Doesn't matter.  Fishnet-ass-lady is pissed, and something is happening. Finally the JLA is rallying!  They are getting it together!  Here it comes….the milestone event!  It’s coming…..it’s coming…it’s

SHADOW CABINET. 

Sigh. 

(Was it good for you?)

-Nina Stone, 2008

Comments

[david brothers]

It wasn't good for me, either.

I was about halfway done with my own post on JLA 27 when I saw this pop up in my Google Reader. What do you call a not-Virgin Read?

I agree with you on the art, disagree on the story, and I wrote 2000 words about Kanye West and Ed Benes and Milestone over here.

[Joe S. Walker]

"Shadow Cabinet" sounds less than impressive in Britain, too - over here it's the majority opposition party's team of spokesman/counterparts to the government's ministers. Does the JLA have a Minister for Fisheries and Food?

[Kenny]

I'm sad to hear it was so bad, but not at all surprised. It's just so...comics.

Back when Icon, the Shadow Cabinet, and all that stuff was introduced, it was introduced in its own line, its own "universe." It was all black superhero stories done by black creators, only with one small difference - they were damn good comics. Icon was more about his teen sidekick, Rocket, and a major storyline was her pregnancy. It was *much* more interesting than some super-power fight, it was an actual bit of drama.

The really, truly depressing part is Dwayne McDuffie was the guy who conceived and wrote most of the Milestone comics line. But I've come to learn that's comics - people not only wear out their welcome, they become self-parodies.

[Chris Eckert]

"Shadow Cabinet" is generally (and in the original Milestone Comics, WHICH NO ONE BUT ME AND DAVID READ AND I AM A HORRIBLE NERD FOR BRINGING THEM UP AND BEING SO INACCESSIBLE) another term like "shadow government", for a group of exiled/opposition leaders. I can't find any reference to the china cupboard, but I assume it's real, otherwise you wouldn't have spent so much time making jokes about it.

As a big Milestone fan this wasn't very good for me either. But I just hope if the Blood Syndicate or Star Chamber end up showing up, you don't write five paragraphs of Virgin Read about how they sound like terms for medical maladies SOMEONE CALL DOCTOR HOUSE, AM I RIGHT LADIES?

I was also going to make fun of you for thinking that there were angels named Hawkgirl (and wingless angels named Connor) in the Justice League until I remembered Grant Morrison actually put an angel on the Justice League.

[David Uzumeri]

And I'm about to make fun of *you*, Chris, for thinking that Red Arrow is named Connor! One is Ollie's neglected son, the other is Ollie's neglected WARD. This is important!!

[Tucker Stone]

BURN

[Matthew J. Brady]

I think "Buddy and the Ass Girls" will be my new band name.

[Chris Eckert]

Are they both angels?

THESE DAMNED COMICS

[Guy Smiley]

Man, do I wish the Justice League had a Ministry of Fisheries and Food.

[nina]

It started as just a joke, but check it out:
http://www.ghostfurniture.co.uk/Furniture/ghostlyfurniture/GF0017/GF0017.html

[Tucker Stone]

DOUBLE BURN

[Romanticide]

I don't buy this title but one thing I'm sure Kendra is not an angel. Her codename is Hawkgirl... I don't really know the other guy...

[Chris Eckert]

TRIPLE BURN

[Tucker Stone]

THE ULTIMATE BLOWBACK BURN

[david brothers]

(double ice backfire)

[David Uzumeri]

I'm going to go ahead and ACTUALLY EXPLAIN THE FUCKING ANGEL SCENE instead of dancing around it like everyone else. It really was awfully drawn, and although I see what McDuffie was going for...

Basically, Kendra's stuck with a millions-year-old stalker/boyfriend she gets reincarnated with every time they both die, because they're doomed lovers like Tom and Katie or some shit. So Kendra's trying to not bone him, but she can't stop thinking about him, so that creepy angelfucking page is a wet dream she's having about boning Carter, since they both have these wing apparatuses and, apparently, liked to bone in the sky. The other dude is Roy, who was best described by Douglas Wolk as an "inveterate fuckup," who apparently got offended that she wasn't having sex dreams about him instead of the creepy neocon stalker dude with wings, so he got pissed.

The storytelling, especially the art, could have handled this much better.

[Tucker Stone]

man, how did we end up in a world where so many smart people read this piece of shit?

comics are fucked up.