The Virgin Read: She Decided To Mend The Being Late Fences With An Actual Song Loosely Inspired By A School For Umbrellas

The Umbrella Academy: Dallas # 1
Written by Gerard Way
Art by Gabriel Ba & Dave Stewart
Published by Dark Horse Comics

I’ve not even completed the first line of this review, and I already know I’ll be disappointed with it.  I was so psyched to write this week.  Really ready to give it my all.  In all honesty, the last few weeks I haven’t put myself fully into these writings.  Somewhat into them.  Not fully.  I could have given you more.  I could have Remembered The Titans.  But I had all these various things taking up space in my head like the anticipation of and execution of my Roaring 20s Murder Mystery Birthday Party (which was fabulous, dah-ling), the wrapping up things pre-Thanksgiving, planning for post-Thanksgiving, fighting with my 42 year old sister (oh-so-awesome), and of course, again, the anticipation of and flurry of Facebook activity around my 20-year High School reunion.  All of that was going on in my head, and made it difficult to fully focus on writing about comic books.

So, here I am, anticipation free, no dramatic build-ups or problems in attendance.  Comic books.  Come hither, come to me, yes, it's time, I'm no longer bashful and skittish: I’m ALL yours! 

Yet?  I think it’d be more interesting to write about the fight with my sister than about The Umbrella Academy.

I’m so disappointed.  Not necessarily by the comic, per se.  I had zero expectations.  I’m disappointed that there’s nothing for me to say.  If it was horrifically bad I could have some fun tearing it to shreds.  Or if it was really cool or different or grappled with some sort of social issue near and dear to my heart, I could also have some fun writing.  But it was very mediocre.

Look, this comic?  Nothing really happens.  There's some occurrences, sure.  I mean, for all ya’ll who read the first 6 issues, I’m sure stuff happens.  But for me, this seemed to be a catch-you-up and set-the-scene issue.  What do you want me to say?  They set the scene.  They played catch-you-up.  Well, I always do appreciate a good recap.  So let me go on record here saying that The Umbrella Academy has one of the best recap pages I’ve ever read. (There’s a quote for your press release?  Somebody said something better, but if not--all yours, comic book.)

I’ve said it before in some of my other reviews--some comic books dive in and, in one issue, cover, varying lengths of time.  Sometimes it's a week, a month, some kind of extended period of time.  Then there's other books that decide to cover 10 minutes (or even 10 seconds) of a story.  This seemed to me to be the latter.  I certainly got to see, in action, each character and what they’re up to, but it was really only about five or ten minutes of their life happening, simultaneously, in this issue.  How intricate am I supposed to get with this stuff? 

Number Five, the little boy in the suit--his story was kinda interesting.  I learned that he’s fast.  And can kill a lot of people, specifically, a lot of weird looking people who are out to get him.  That’s the only part that really drew me in.  Oh, there was also really big gorilla thing with a small human head.  He looked like a Lego person.  I stared at that for a few seconds.

See….how disappointing.  Nothing clever to say.  No fun metaphors or pithy statements.  I feel boring. And I don’t want to feel boring!  I want to write something really insightful and witty, I wanted to be either ravaged or made to feel like the ravager!

...

Nope.

Nothing.

2 Hours Pass

What am I supposed to do with all these comics that are just so-so?  If YOU don’t strive to be better, how can I be?  Oh….mediocrity!  I shall write you and ode:

Nina’s Ode to Mediocrity

Oh, to be just in the middle
Not a violin, but merely a fiddle.

Neither too high, nor too low,
Whilst in the middle, you’ve everywhere to go!

 Why work hard and strive for greatness
When one can be apathetic and embracing lameness.

Its not that we can’t reach the heights
I’d just rather sit around and watch Friday Night Lights.

Not a bad show – that’s not what I’m sayin’
But half-assin’ through life is the game I’m playin’

Why think new thoughts outside of the box?
Why challenge status quo? I’d have to put on socks.

 If something is interesting or different, dear me,
We might move out of mediocrity

And have conflicting opinions, or a new world view.
Or shit, I might have written a good review.

-Nina Stone, 2008

Comments

[Anja Flower]

So, alas and alack, surprise of all surprises -

Gerard Way's comics are just like his music.

Ah, well.

[Kenny]

Nina,

Your poem is *awesome*!!!

I haven't read this issue yet, but I *really* enjoyed the first Umbrella Academy series. My enjoyment surprised me because I don't like Way or his music so the book was working against my expectations. The first series had this very charming yet sinister beginning that was just weird enough to be intriguing without being so weird as to be off putting.

It sounds like the issue you read had none of the charm the first series had which is sad. Boring comic books hurt everyone.

[Tom Vutayon]

You're a funny lady.