Comics Of The Weak: "I'll Tell You So Loudly Your Ears'll Explode And Your Skull Will Dent"

The Caterer # 3
Written by Jeff Lint
Art by Brandon Sienkel & Marsha Corker
Originally Published by Pearl Comics, 1975
Reprint Published by Floating World Comics, 2008
Buy It Here, No, I'm Not Making Any Money If You Do, Just Being Helpful

It wouldn't particularly be the best thing ever if every single comic book, from Ultimate Fantastic Four and Big Questions to Bukakki Jack Jack & His Wonder Twin, was more/exactly like The Caterer # 3.

That does not, however, mean that they should not try anyway.

Final Crisis Superman Beyond 3D # 2
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Doug Mahnke, Christian Alamy, Tom Nguyen, Drew Geraci, Derek Fridolfs & David Baron
Published by DC Comics

If Superman can hear you, then can he taste you too?  If he knows he's a fictional comic creation, can he feel it when you rub your balls on his 3D face?  When you crest his lips with your brownstar?  Does he like it?  Does he like when you take a highlighter and yellow out the words you want to google later?  Is he proud of you?  Do you remind him of his dead dad?  Does he want you to come home so he can talk to you?  Does he know what you're thinking about?  You know what's really corny?  This comic book, is really, really fucking corny.  Not as corny as when a bowl of soup cost a nickel.  But pretty fucking corny.  That doesn't make it bad, really.  It's actually not that bad.  It's kind of okay, even with it's sort of simplistic "here's another skeletal take on the whole competition of meta-narrative as actual fight scene, watch Supermen make one SuperRobieTheRobotMan, he fights Mandrakk the Merciless."  One wonders if anyone would know this thing existed if it didn't have Grant Morrison's name on it.  One also hopes that no one ever tells Lois of the time when Superman transverses space/time/fiction to fill his mouth with liquid so that he could spit it into hers, because even under the guise of "it's just a story", that was pretty fucking gross.

100 Bullets # 99
Written by Brian Azzarello
Art by Eduardo Risso & Patricia Mulvihill
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

ggkdkgjfkgffkjffdjfsddfkdfAgent Graveskdjfd;afj The fuckin gchinese blades, the fucking. chinese blades. blades?  yes, blades.  With two cats in the pussy, lcall that bitch a jumpfuckerery very fuine life.  Whith two cats in the pussy, life used to be so pussy ldkdds;dsjkf;kfdafdj;d;skjafd;kfjd I need cooling, baby, I am not fooling you.  I am not!  Thiss is no fooling here!  Way down inside!  Way down!  honey, ykill em all I'm going to give you every inchefomy love.  Every single inche of my love.  Ohhhhhd Youve been learning.  Youve benen.---this was a good tyou missed it allay down inside.  Honey you need I.  Gonna give you miy love.  What a loe of love.  What a cars crashig, verbal hangnail.  So far up inside your guts sexy as a tourniquet on a male cheerleaderi shoe polish, because that's what I sue on my townsila.

Deathstroke # 1
Written by David Hine
Art by Georges Jeanty, Mark McKenna & JD Smith
Published by DC Comics

"This room is completely escapeproof.  The window is constructed of a ferrous resin compound that can withstand a direct strike from an exocet missile."

Okay, well what if somebody hits it with a pipe?  Just a regular pipe.  The kind of pipe you can yank out of a wall.  Like a water pipe.  Since it can "withstand a direct strike from an exocet missile", it can deal with a water pipe, right?  Because after looking up exocet missiles, it seems like they're pretty hardcore.  They sink boats, that's gotta be a hell of a lot harsher than it would be if some guy hit the window with a water pipe.

Oh wait, that Deathstroke guy...he's going to hit the window with a water pipe, isn't he?  And it's going to work.  It's going to break the window, this magical unbreakable window.  While we're on the subject, why the fuck did you put this guy in a cell that has a gigantic picture window in the first place?

Oh look at that.  The water pipe trick.  It worked.  How impressive.

Just give me a second.  I'm going to rub my face in an old man's diaper.  I need to taste something classy right now.

Ghost Rider # 31
Written by Jason Aaron
Art by Tan Eng Huat, Roland Boschi & Jose Villarrubia
Published by Marvel Comics

Yes, the rumors are true:  there is a Ghost Rider character who used to ride on a great white shark.  The Factual Opinion is terribly, terribly averse to pushing anyone to purchase a comic, so it's with a queasy stomach and a blinding headache that we struggle against our own personal objections to say this:  the only way we'll ever get to read the spin-off stories of the flaming skeleton who rode on the back of a great white shark to dispense vengeance is if you, the reader, buys enough Ghost Rider comic books that Marvel agrees to realize the unfilled niche where flaming-skeletons-riding-sharks comics currently exists.  Look into your heart.  And then buy it anyway.

Hellblazer # 251
Written by Peter Milligan
Art by Giuseppe Camuncoli, Stefano Landini & Jamie Grant
Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

You sitting down?  We can wait.  Okay, check this out:  first page of Hellblazer # 251 has the the color blue, the color red, some yellow--holy shit dude it's happened.  It's finally fucking happened.  Coming from, of all comics, All Star Superman, Jamie Grant has joined the killer's dozen team of Giuseppe Camuncoli, Stefano Landini and Peter Miligan and they've published an issue of Hellblazer that doesn't look like it was colored in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where the only crayons available are those that match the dust covered rust land that is only concealed by an ashy midnight.  Fuck, somebody wears a pastel blue shirt in this comic.  It's like nothing you've ever seen before.  Stories fine too, but it's Peter Milligan doing a Vertigo book.  He usually does good ones for that imprint.  No big surprise.

Justice League of America # 29
Written by Len Wein
Art by ChrisCross, Rob Stull & Pete Pantazis
Published by DC Comics

It's funny how they want to do these remix comics, where they go grab an old issue and update it, sort of, but choose to remix comics nobody ever wanted to read again, namely this one, which is about Starbreaker, one of those alien god types from a far off world where genetics and alien evolution ended up producing aliens who look like Cirque de Soleil rejects with milky red skin and cheesy haircuts.  Sure, they could remix something that you might actually want to read, but that would clash right up against the methodology of the last 29 issues of the Justice League comic, which is roughly described as "how can we make a comic starring a bunch of recognizable characters, yet make sure that is of the lowest quality possible?"  Shitty art, boring, stupid scripts--nice work, all around.  A goal was achieved.  Pop a cork.

The Mighty Avengers # 21
Written by Dan Slott
Art by Koi Pham, Allen Martinez, Danny Miki & Jason Keith
Published by Marvel Comics

The only sensible explanation of this comic runs right into "this is a fucking joke, right?" territory.  The Scarlet Witch, some babysitter, a teenage robot, the regular Hulk, US Agent, Hercules, the Wasp (the one with a dick), a butler, and another robot, this one a female?  So sure, a team like that...it's a joke, right?  It's not funny, but hey:  the only super-hero comics that pull off funny while trying are by Keith Giffen, so whatever.  Otherwise though...man, this is just bad.  Why not just do a long event cross-over where all the titles include hardcore intercourse, no warning?  Pages of Scarlet Witch taking a shit on US Agent while Hercules jerks off the Vision?  Hell, they can just say it didn't really happen, the same way they'll say the death of Captain America, Iron Man and so on (all of which happens in this issue) wasn't real.  You could run a banner across the top of the book, it could say "Cleveland Steamer" instead of "Dark Reign", and that would be the indicator that the issue was going to contain page after page of gross, yewwky sucking/fucking.   Scarlet Witch, a strap on, crying robots, over in the corner Hercules is fondling the old butler--sure, it wouldn't be any good, and it wouldn't bring comics forward, but hey:  Mighty Avengers # 21 wasn't going to be good anyway.  It never had a chance.  It's just another terrible comic, stupid and hard-to-read, not because it's heady or confusing, but because it's so garish and capital S-serious that it's a struggle to turn the pages.  If you went the scrapbook of Vision-rape route, at least you'd be given Koi Pham something to draw that doesn't make him want to cry all night.  Or if he did cry all night, at least it would be for a good reason.

Mysterius The Unfathomable # 1
Written by Jeff Parker
Art by Tom Fowler & Dave McCaig
Published by Wildstorm/DC Comics

Although it certainly has some rough similarity to another seance story where a hand-dropper led to a death, and the main character can come across as a rough mix of any other magician character, it's nice enough to run into something like this, a comic you don't have to work or lie about to enjoy.  Attractive illustrations and a clever script where each character's dialog merge into something different enough that it doesn't read like boilerplate, this comic would be a pleasant surprise if it wasn't so much expected at this point, now that Jeff Parker has proven himself able and interested in telling a good story.  Of course, since it's a good comic published by the Wildstorm imprint, it's likely to end up getting it's ass torn apart in the same way Wildcats 3.0, The Intimates, The Boys or the version of Stormwatch P.H.D. that didn't totally fucking suck were.  Because you know there's somebody who sits around at Wildstorm and freaks out once a month when they realize they have something of actual quality with their name on it.

Frank Castle The Punisher MAX # 66
Written by Duane Swierczynski
Art by Michael Lacombe & Val Staples
Published by Marvel Comics

-Hey, while you're at it, why not just keep adding words to the title of the comic?  While you're at it, and no, this never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never will get old, just go ahead and title it Frank Castle The Punisher We're Sorry That Garth Ennis Isn't Writing This Anymore And No We Still Haven't Figured Out How The Fuck We're Going To Fill His Shoes But Here's A Rip-Off Of That Movie Crank Because Yeah The Whole Attraction To Crank Was The Plot And The Writing It's Not Like There Was Any Attraction To The Film Because It Was Shot Entirely Like A Tony Scott Movie Trailer And Starred Jason Statham No Really It Was Just The Plot We're Sure Crank Would Have Been Just As Successful If It Had Been Directed By Penny Marshall While Starring Justin Long.

Oh you're supposed to say MAX at the end.

Robin # 182
Written by Fabian Nicieza
Art by Freddie Williams II & Guy Major
Published by DC Comics

Starting himself on a trek towards the glory of the Nightwing title, Robin adds a couple of new lingos to his personality cabinet, first Rorschach "It's just patterns now--light and dark--order and chaos--to be manipulated...controlled" as well as a little slice of Frank Miller's Spirit "But all Armstrong wants--is to watch my city BURN!"  Okay, that's great, whatever, seriously--he can say whatever he wants, all that matters is that he got about 35% of the skin on his skull burned off in the last issue.  Obviously, he could talk like Stephen Hawkings, it doesn't matter.  He's clearly going to be more interesting, as any super-hero would be, with a meaty, ground beef looking face.  Except...except all that's done with.  Hell, it's not just done with, it's totally, absolutely gone--even his hair has grown back!  In the space of one issue!  In the space of one night!  On top of that, his screwy control issues got two innocent children killed, and he's totally Cool With That, like he even tells Commissioner Gordon "Them's the Breaks In the Super-Hero Gang, kids can die, I give not the shit" and his follow-up is letting a serial-killing head-in-the-duffel-bag guy out of jail with the use of hacked Justice League transporter codes!  Oh wait, all these exclamation points make all that sound bad.  No, it's good.  Fuck Robin.  Fuck him and his resurrected ex-girlfriend, who has been returned to the DC universe by probable way of a feminist fan campaign only to spend her return showing off her tits to distract a lunatic into shooting her in the shoulder or back or whatever; on top of that, she's sort of the reason Robin burned half the flesh of his face "because that's what Batman would have wanted".  Because hey, who knows, maybe that is what Batman wanted, he was dosed up on heroin for a while.  Probably seemed like a good idea to drive this little shit-for-brains mascot crazy.  And hey, if it wasn't for the fact that Robin is going back into the Bat-story support team to build up whatever Azrael 2.0 thing is coming, it might actually be a lot of fun to read a comic about a 16 year old--he's still 16, right?--as he wanders around telling Commissioner Gordon that it's okay that a couple of kids died because hey, Fuck Them, it's just some kids, I can make more with my ex-girlfriend in a sewer, whatever, Batman isn't here to tell ME that I screwed up, I'm a-gonna go eat cold beans out of a can, make the Spoiler cry and show her tits to some more loser bad guys who can't shoot objects from a 3 foot distance, and after that, I'm going to let some serial killers out of jail.  Hell, that's a direction worth getting behind.  It's definitely a lot more fucked up than another comic book that says "Hey I'M A COMIC BOOK."

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Sean Witzke]

And they put a Ladronn cover on that Deathstroke book? Audacious motherfuckers.

Also, 100 Bullets - I see what you did there.

[Kenny]

You sold me on the Ghost Rider book. You also sold me on the book where Aquaman saved Jesus from pirates. I think that's my favorite comic ever, btw.

And because I haven't been around to comment, I wanted to say I'm beyond thrilled Economist v Idiot is back! Best thing ever!

[Tim O'Neil]

I see a lot of people jockin' on Slott's Mighty Avengers. Perhaps I don't understand the hate. Because let's just say perhaps Slott is narrowcasting on an infinitesimally precise wavelength which can only be perceived by people who love the Avengers so much their scrotum bursts into flames whenever anyone anywhere on the planet tries to imply that the Korvac Saga isn't the greatest comic book story of all time. If your antenna is tuned to that channel, you will think Mighty Avengers #21 is the best Avengers comic you have read in over half a decade. If you are really a dick, you'll say that it's the *first* Avengers comic you've read in over half a decade, because everything since they blew the mansion up and had Wolverine join has been illegitimate.

So basically, yeah, I loved it.

[Chris Jones]

Man, I even LIKED Mighty Avengers and that was just fucking hysterical. Same goes for Superman Beyond and the Deathstroke comic(although I didn't read the Deathstroke one, because I heard that it was just absolute garbage). You're awesome, man. I'm glad comic book readers have their own one-man Something Awful.

[Richard]

Your reviews are, as usual, the best in the blogosphere.

[Marty]

Hey, there's no actual spoilers under that blacked out 100 Bullets text, you're just quoting Led Zepplin! And what's a townsila?

[Preston]

Pity you didn't review Dark Avengers, I would've liked to have seen your take on it.

[Tucker Stone]

q & as:
thanks for the kindness!

specifics: townsila is tonsils written in the dark. wutang!

Dark avengers: virgin read has that one.

Mighty Avengers: it never crossed my mind that this was a throw back to something. it should be acknowledged occasionally that i'm 0 for 500 when it comes to having read Avengers stories. I have Kirby reprints of Ant-Man and that's it. but i don't see how historical reference could fix the ugly weirdness of that female robot. it looks like somebody put an elderly woman in an iron maiden.

[Tim O'Neil]

Hah. The funny thing is, Jocasta has been systematically ignored for over thirty years specifically because she's, well, an incredibly ugly and weird character.

Let that sink in: Jocasta is 32 years old.

[Dave]

You have no idea how accurate you are on the Mysterius front. But it's more DC than Wildstorm fucking things, at this point. Poor bastards at Wildstorm are stuck with a parent company that hates them.

[STORM]

Your Robin review was spot on. Your summary with the appropriate digressions touched on all the things that weirded me out when I read that issue and was all WTF? I am consistently amazed at the trainwreck that is the Bat-Family title of books (I feel weird even typing Bat-Family) .

[Jim Kingman]

Gee, heck, my second Justice League comic ever was JLA #98, the last chapter in the Starbreaker saga, published way, way back when I was ten-years-old in 1972 (when McGovern was just THAT close to changing the world). Honestly, I'm kind of looking forward to the new issue of Justice League of America. Guess that funky old fanboy in me is just gonna have to override the latest issue of 100 Bullets for a spell. Yee ha!