The Virgin Read: Well, Bashful Is Probably The Last Thing Dark Avengers Instilled In Most, So That's Different

Dark Avengers # 1
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Art by Mike Deodato
Published by Marvel Comics

Dark Avengers!  (Dum-dum-DUM!)  The title reminded me of an old radio play.  Hence the reason I wrote the first sentence in that manner. 

As I looked at my choices this week, I honestly wasn’t that psyched.  It came down to two or three options and I thought, hey, I like Powers when I read it, so why not take this Brian Michael Bendis comic out for a little spin around the block, maybe I can get lucky.  Barf.

I’m feeling a little anxious about writing this review, because, well, I’m getting the feeling from other things I’ve read and heard that this is considered to be on the crappy side of things in comic land, as opposed to...okay, you guys have a non-crappy side, I just don't know what you call it.  But I'd heard tell that this was not that cool and/or not that good.

But….and I’m feeling shy about saying this, but from a “Virgin Reader” perspective – this is a good comic book.  I mean, no, look, it’s not amazing or anything.  It’s not taking me to new places of thought, or encouraging me to reflect on my life.  I'm not thinking about fractals.  But it hit all the necessary marks that, well, I usually complain about, and I'm nothing if not consistent. 

Recap page?  Yes.  Yes, there is a recap page.  It’s not just a minor “last week, in the Dark Avengers…” It’s a nice, full picture of what has transpired and where we are now.  The first-time reader is clear after this that a one-time-villain, Norman Osborn, who seems to be taking over the Avengers, might still be quite villainous.  (And I kind of remember this guy from when I read Thunderbolts, so that helped too.) That picture of him is painted over and over again throughout each scene of the issue.  Sure, there’s things to make fun of in it--I mean, it's still a comic about people who I for the most part have never seen, it's still sort of like diving into a pool and not waiting to get used to the temperature.  Of course! 

(How far does Ms. Marvel’s body suit go up her ass?  For the record, the female honesty record – that is not comfortable.  Especially the way they have it drawn.  That’s the kind of thing that a girl can’t wait to get home and take off.  And don't get me started on Moonstone.  Moonstone, moonstone.  Okay, I'll get myself started:  I get the idea behind her.  But really, if she were this ultra spiritual person, highly advanced in her meditation practice, she wouldn’t have been involved with Osborn at all.  Wouldn’t have even opened her eyes.  Besides that, she's so wishy washy.  No.  Nope.  That doesn't make any sense.)

But see….the mocking stops there.  I think they did a great job with the next part.  I don’t know anything about Venom, although I've apparently said that twice in these columns and seen a movie with him in it, but whatever, I don't remember anything about Venom.  (And don't get me started on that:  I remember stuff that matters.  I remember Batman's secret name, it's Charles Dutton.  Venom doesn't count in my brain.)  But just from this short bit of storytelling, I know that he hates Spider-man, and that, well, he’s his evil counterpart.  See how easy that was?  I'll remember him now.

But by the very end of the story, when I saw them all assembled, it was easy for me, pure little virgin that I am, to see that these Avengers aren’t who Norman Osborn says they are.  That is not the real Spider-man.  That is not Wolverine.  And that is not Ms. Marvel.  (Although that is her underwear.)  Worst of all, Norman has made himself the Iron Patriot.  Ew.  However, the fact that that is clear to me, is why I give kudos to this comic book.  Now, I know that was the point of the comic--that everybody else gets that, easy, and they start from getting that and I guess that's how they ended up past that, at a place where they didn't think this was cool--but it was kind of cool.  Because I don't know who the Avengers are supposed to be.  I don't know the real version of these characters, this Ms. Marvel, that Wolverine--and yet I got a little freaked out by these very bad, very mean, versions of those characters.  I don't know the Avengers well enough to pick them out of a line-up.  But I came away from this comic knowing that these weren't them, and that what this Norman Osborn was doing was wrong.  I got it, and I didn't start with much.  That's something.  Is it the best comic I’ve ever read?  No.  No way.  But it sure wasn't the worst.

-Nina Stone, 2009

Comments

[Chris Jones]

Interesting.

[Sean Witzke]

Fuck yeah Charles S. Dutton is Batman!

[patora]

Finally someone complaining about Mrs. Marvel's outfit. Was about time.
Marvel hired a fashion designer for Storms Wedding, but the remaining of the Marvel women are dressed like they shop at Barbies discount outlet

[Lynxara]

Barbie's fashions generally make more sense than what J. Random Superheroine ends up wearing. For one, the doll has no buttcheeks to ram cloth up between. For two, her costumes are generally designed by people with an actual grasp of fashion, who understand that painful-looking clothing ends up unappealing to anyone with a lick of sense or taste.

[James]

Great review! As a total non-virgin reader, my reaction was very similar to yours, with a little added "if only months of covers and previews and interviews hadn't blown every surprise in this comic". That's as much my fault as it is theirs, though.

[Sharif]

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiina!!!! I wanted you to review Uncanny X-Men Annual #2 with the divine Emma Frost playing Salome. Give me your address. I'll mail you a copy!

[Sharif]

P.S.

Moonstone is not spiritual. Karla is a sadistic psychiatrist with a mad on for evil. I have no idea why she was meditating.

[Guy Smiley]

Well, Nina, a proper longtime comics fan can justify ALL excesses. He (and it WOULD be a "he") would point out that Ms. Marvel is virtually invulnerable to pain, to heat and cold, she can't be cut, or scratched or bruised by much. She sure can't be chafed. She's exactly the sort of women whose clothes can crawl up her butt without discomfort.

It's probably an accident, like if she saved your cat from a tree and you asked her, "Isn't that uncomfortable, having an action costume climb up your ass?" she'd look over her shoulder and say, "IT'S WHAT?"

I will mention that Brian Reed writes a nice comic for her every month that isn't made to cross over with Civil Skrull Reign.

[David Uzumeri]

Guy Smiley, what? The book spun out of House of M, and has so far has 35 issues, three of which were Civil War tie-ins, five of which had the Initiative banner, six of which had Secret Invasion banners and now two of which are labeled as Dark Reign. That's 16/35 issues with tie-in banners - how isn't it made to cross over with Civil Skrull Reign again?

[Kenny]

Venom is like the best bad guy ever because he hates Spider-man, he has a black costume, and that's about it. Seriously, with Venom, there is very little posturing - writers taking the character more seriously than they should. When they do take him too seriously, you end up with these weird comics where Venom will eat someone for not giving a homeless guy some spare change.

When Bendis is at his best, he's writing Powers. But when he still feels like giving a shit and has a year of Powers scripts piled up, he writes a pretty serviceable superhero yarn. The characters are clearly identified, do things pretty consistent with who they are, and there's an interesting story of some kind in there.