Comics Of The Weak: Nothing Like Them, Except Possibly A Lot Of Things Much Better, Like Decent Water and The Poor Man's Steve McQueen

The Boys # 27
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Darick Robertson & Tony Avina
Published by Dynamite

Less a continuation of the current storyline and more a future chapter that people will probably call  "my fave-ritt" whenever this ends up in a trade collection, here's more of Garth and Darick, on-time and seemingly under-enthused.  The Boys can never really be full on "bad", simply because, like Garth's recent Punisher War Zone proved, Ennis can rely on a pretty solid understanding of how to mechanically insert shit in comics that's readable and funny enough for it to be at least useful solely on the basis that it's "huh, ha" inducing stuff.  Still, this is pretty meager pickings--asshole bartenders is something that he's done before, Irish men making fun of Irish wanna-bes is an old trope as well, over-the-top racial theatrics, puke, golden showers and jizz faces--hey:  seen it.  And while some of that stuff is making its first Boys appearance, most of what happens here has already happened a couple of times in the last few issues.  Sure, it's still markedly okay reading that will benefit from a collection where a downbeat conversation in a bar will serve as a refreshing break from pee pee face and jack jack johnny.  But that doesn't really make it a great fucking time to be had by all.

Agents of Atlas # 1
Written by Jeff Parker
Art by Carlo Pagulayan, Jason Paz, Jana Schirmer, Benton Jew & Elizabeth Dismang Breitweiser
Published by Marvel Comics

Jeff Parker's writing can fix a lot, but it's going to have to fix the part of Marvel that thought it was a good idea for Jana Schirmer to color this comic book if it wants to live up to the promise of the justly well-regarded mini-series that this series serves as a follow up too.  Safely put, this is a comic that's almost impossible to assail on a script background--Parker's able to work within the heavy limitations placed by incorporating the over-the-top Marvel status quo (black is white!  that cat?  that dog?  Bill Murray was right!) as well as carry the Dark Reign tie-in banner without losing a grip on the characters he'd rescued from obscurity, and that's no mean feat--but the art is so thoroughly massacred on a coloring front that it's heavy work to get through.  This is some ugly fucking Photoshop, and while it might be easier to lay the blame on the entire art team, there are moments where background and shading choices are so abysmal they actually serve to destroy the very lines they're meant to accent--whoever is to blame, Pagulayan and Paz should get a pass.  It's hurt even more by the inclusion of a back-up story that has none of these problems--absolutely none--and yet is little more than Parker throwing out a minor tweak on the old timey company-mandated Wolverine cross-over appearance.  Marvel should take a hint from the Ghost Rider team:  if you're going to release something quirky and distinctive, don't shit all over it at the coloring stage.  It makes us think you don't care.

Bad Dog # 1
Written by Joe Kelly
Art by Diego Greco
Published by Image Comics

So there's this thing, right?  It's called Smokey the Bear.  According to wikipedia, which was started and maintained by a bunch of useless irritants who share their DNA with mole rats, you're supposed to call the thing Smokey Bear, because that's the real name of the thing, but the thing is that it's just a thing, it's just some 1944 Ad Council creation.  And Smokey the Bear sounds better than Smokey. Bear.  Everybody knows that.  Everybody knows that, and they also know that "Only you can prevent forest fires" sounds better than what Smokey THE Bear says now, which is "Only you can prevent wildfires."  This isn't like fact or fiction, this isn't like changing history to say "well, we don't think that this or that happened anymore because it makes it depressing to explain where all the Apaches went", this is like this: so fucking what if you called him Smokey Bear?  That's a dumb ass name.  Smokey THE Bear makes more sense, is more awesome, facts don't enter into it.

Now, you're probably thinking:  what does this have to do with Bad Dog?  Isn't Bad Dog a comic about a werewolf who is a bounty hunter, just like that TV show Dog: The Redneck Who Married A Stripper?  Yes, yes it is.  Bad Dog is about a werewolf, sort of, and he is a bounty hunter, sort of like that TV show, which is about a guy named Skeeter and how he likes to hunt down people named Scooter.  But here's the problem:  this thing?  It doesn't look like a werewolf.  At all.  At no point.  It never, ever, not in the slightest, looks like a fucking werewolf, despite the opportunity for werewolves to look like...well, pretty much anything that has hair on it.  No.  This-character-does-not-look-like-a-werewolf.  And no, this isn't one of those "Hey, why don't you be a Better Reader!  Do you yell at your local theater troupe that you don't believe they are in Denmark and that nothing is rotten?"  No.  This isn't one of those things:  this is the other thing, where you have to make sure that if your main character is going to be a pectoral-heavy hairy beast in pants and a cowboy hat, he better not come out looking like Smokey The Bear, because Smokey The Bear is a Really Familiar Character, and all that's going to happen is that the reader is going to spend the entire comic confused that all the side characters keep calling him a "wolf" or a "werewolf" or "a seven foot tall wolf in a cowboy hat" when it would make a hell of a lot more sense to say "He looks like a fucked up version of Smokey The Bear."  Of course, that much thought?  That much preparation?

Well, then you might have also realized that the whole comic was a bad fucking call in the first place.

Crossed # 3
Written by Garth Ennis
Art by Jacen Burrows & Juanmar
Published by Avatar Press

It's not too often that a comic book comes out and one actually hits up on one of those moments of such total confusion that it forces the reader to work around checking to see if there was a printing error.  A point of such "what the fuck, am I mentally handicapped?  how the fuck does Garth Ennis let this slip by?"  To those who crave that, Avatar Press brings you Crossed # 3, wherein the comic goes into a flashback sequence, one that due to a probable Jacen Burrows-driven decision results in no clear indication of flashback, only so that said flashback fails to reach even the most simplistic anti-climax, proceeding to leap right back into the initial narrative--apparently hours later--and smacking you with a scene of mass execution, motives for which are explained in terse, "this is the horrible way it has to be" dialog.  But no, there isn't an announcement of missing pages from Avatar.  This is just a comic that runs smack into confusion in the middle, fails to build tension, and ends with a bunch of kids getting shot right in their tear-covered faces, which are attached to the tear covered heads, and are then filled with bullets by the final panel.   On the cover?  Santa Claus, getting stomped and beaten to death by children and elves.

All that aside, anytime someone in a comic book is willing to shoot children in the face and not make a big hand-wringing deal out of it?  That probably deserves a cupcake.

Secret Six # 6
Written by Gail Simone
Art by Nicola Scott, Doug Hazlewood, Javi Pina, Jason Wright, Pete Woods & Sal Cipriano
Published by DC Comics

Despite the fact that Secret Six is only on issue 6, and has previously had two mini-series, both of which served to present the "origin" of the team as well as some "omens" of what was coming, this issue lovingly provides one of those Origins And Omens back-up features, hopefully leading to the wonderful day when all of DC's comics will consist of single-issue retellings of the origins of the characters listed on the cover.  After all, there's always going to be somebody picking up Black Canary & Her Liberal Pussy Husband for the first time, and why not just make sure that every single issue is a done-in-one explanation of who the characters are, how they got their terrible names, and what their terrible non-powers are.  That way, DC can always be seeking new readers without having to actually try!  The primary story consists of a foolish woman thinking that her exposed cleavage, powder wig and ridiculous backstory will somehow charm her way into Deadshot's pants, despite him obviously having feelings only for Catman, who he hits with a car near the end of the issue.  (Because he feels guilty for almost cheating, but doesn't know how to express himself verbally.)  After that, it's time to find out why these people hang out with each other in the first place, in case you're so fucking stupid that you don't remember why you bought this comic in the first place, which is that you liked the previous issues where it explained why these characters hang out with each other in the first place.  That's a lot of first places, you dumb motherfucker.

Secret Warriors # 1
Written by Brian Michael Bendis & Jonathan Hickman
Art by Stefano Caselli & Danielle Rudoni
Published by Marvel Comics

For the first time ever, somebody involved in the comic getting handled here in the Comics Of The Weak was actually in close proximity, close enough for physical touching and manhandling, to the guy who handles the Comics Of The Weak within 12 hours of having to write about it in Comics Of The Weak.  Interestingly enough, said individual referred to Secret Warriors--as well as all of said individuals comics work--with an actual Wave Of The Hand Dismissal, calling it "That work for hire stuff that I do sometimes."  In honor of that, all we'll say is this:  nice graphic design in the back for a comic that looks like a high school kid's love letter to Salvador Larocca while reading like a high school kid's love letter to Brian Michael Bendis' creepy belief that super-hero comics would be a lot better if they were less about super-heroes, and more about what SWAT teams who wear clothes designed by Hype Williams.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Preston]

Wait, so you met Johnathan Hickman?

Nice reviews as always, I kinda thought the same thing about the titular lead in Bad dog.

[David Uzumeri]

Wow, if Hickman said that, that's harsh and kind of disappointing (or maybe I'm just overly optimistic regarding most creators' enthusiasm for their work).

And yeah, I thought the same goddamn thing about Bad Dog. In honor of Smokey the Bear, I propose the comic be henceforth referred to as Bad the Dog.

[Jim Kingman]

You can never get enough re-tellings and re-workings of not-so-secret origins to re-enforce why you so fell in love with the characters (in this case, the varied members of the Secret Six) in the first place. Boots can hurt, but reboots, never!

[caleb]

I would have been 500% more likely to pick up a comic in which a bear-man who used to be a spokesmodel for fire saftey worked as a bounty hunter rather than one starring a werewolf bounty hunter.

[David Uzumeri]

Also, all due respect to Joe Kelly, can we just give it a rest with the fucking vampires and werewolves and robots and zombies and pirates and ninjas? Kelly certainly isn't who I'm aiming this complaint at here but if I see one more Ellisite proseltyze about how their werewolf robot comic is so much more innovative and a "refreshing counterpoint" to superhero comics, I'm going to slam my dick into an industrial tire press.

[Chris Jones]

...What would mutilating your penis do about anything?

[seth hurley]

If only they had the title across the inside of entire comic, one letter per page.

D A R K R E I G N S E C R E T W A R R I O R S

have characters appear and disappear behind each letter and just telling you what was happening.

Nick Fury could come out with bottle of champagne and that SHEILD lady could be, I don't know, Mase.

[Guy Smiley]

I'd consider inventing an Ellisian werewolf robot comic to hype, just to see someone do that. And I don't even know what an industrial tire press IS. You know that if you take pictures, Ellis will post the link with a "Don't Look. Dare Ya" headline.

Anyway, back to WereBorg #0, the comic that's going to dare to have no spandex and TONS of profanity and mechanically unlikely offenses committed against nuns and orphans ...

(Also: This man Hurley should have Bendis' gig, starting right now.)

[Karen]

Bless you for being nice to Jonathan Hickman, who I think I've got a mad crush on after the events of this weekend.

In addition to on YOU, of course, Tucker.