This week, 24, all of American Idol's Hollywood Week, Battlestar Galactica, Lost & The Bad Girls Club.
24 - "3:00 - 4:00"
Sometimes 24 delivers it's plot points in such mechanical fashion that the best one can hope for is that the producers make sure not to have any sequences where the boom mike drops into the frame. Example? Why in the hell anyone is supposed to find it interesting that, yet again, some bad guy is sleeping with some civilian type who doesn't know he's a bad guy. Why is it there? Oh...So the bad guy will have some reason not to be around when Jack Bauer shows up to lay waste.
Of course, if you're going to have to swallow that kind of shit, why not throw it in alongside an episode that's pretty much a bloodheavy killfest of bullets, gut wounds, implied infant torture, crying, and a Bourne Supremacy style carfight? (Why don't more movies do carfight? Or television shows? Fuck, real life needs more carfights.) So yeah, while this was the week where once again you had to watch one of those off-putting scenes where Jack pretty much says "hey, I don't give a fuck if it's an innocent baby, torture the hell out of it, we need me some answers, dagnabbit." (Made even worse by the fact that it is, in all truthfulness, an innocent baby.) Thankfully, the writers give some actual decent lines to the resident douchebag character when it comes time for somebody to point out that Jack's method of "whatever I think is cool" hasn't done him too many favors. (See: dead wife, dead friends, no relationships, estranged daughter, no job, Senate hearings, years of torture in Chinese prison camp, countless dead civilians, an inability to experience joy. Oh, and clinical death. And heroin addiction? And dead girlfriends. Dead pregnant girlfriends? No, his wife was pregnant. Oh yeah, he probably has nightmares from the hundreds of people he's killed on the show.)
On the other hand?
Carfight!
American Idol - "Hollywood Week"
Let’s talk for a second about what makes American Idol so curiously compelling, since that topic doesn’t typically get a whole lot of play around these parts. First of all, let’s admit that all reality TV is a sort of grand social experiment to see how behavior changes when someone is observed. The most common misconception about reality television is that people on TV don’t act like they do in real life, which is absolute horseshit. People on reality television act exactly how people in real life act when a camera is in front of them. Generally, more-respected reality TV shows have structures in place that keep the stars from strictly playing to the camera—like making dresses or cooking or keeping yourself from getting voted off the island—while less-reputable shows (like The Real World and Bad Girls Club, say) have less structure in place, unless you count alcohol and psychosis, because playing for the camera is the whole show.
The fact that something changes when observed isn’t just a rationalization; it’s quantum physics. The genius of American Idol is that it takes the experiment to a further extreme than any other television show. Playing to the camera is certainly an aspect of the show—one that contestants get points for when the audience votes for their personalities or back-stories—but playing to the camera alone will not win you the competition. In fact, on American Idol, the camera has less of a point of view than the editing, the other contestants, the voters, the media, the judges as a whole, the judges individually, Ryan Seacrest, and the person sitting next to you. Each of those entities has an opinion, and each of them has an opinion on each others’ opinions, and each opinion affects the behavior of each individual on the show. Watching contestants navigate being observed from all of these angles is what makes the show interesting, and the winner will do it better than anyone else. Simon Cowell is the star of American Idol because he plays the game the best. He is above it and outside it—and, as an audience member, you should be too.
Simon Cowell is the perfect manifestation of the American Idol phenomenon itself. American Idol is nowhere near as emotionally invested in itself as its audience is (and, yes, if you hate American Idol, you’re emotionally invested). That’s what gives the show its ability to be self-serious and self-aware at the same time. What other show would let one of its judges pimp their jewelry collection on air, and then comment on how shameless it is to use American Idol to pimp a QVC jewelry collection? The show’s portrayal of its host, Ryan Seacrest, is another perfect example of this. Seacrest has become a fill-in for whenever anyone needs to complete a punch line for a joke about a smug, vacuous personality. Yet, not only does Seacrest himself seem keenly aware of how he is perceived, but the show seems aware of it—so much that it has become a part of the show. Simon Cowell has spent the season commenting on how Seacrest rarely uses his natural voice, and, when Seacrest tried to high-five a blind guy, the producers (and presumably Seacrest himself) were eager to air it. They want you to have an opinion on Ryan Seacrest’s smug vacuousness, want you to have an opinion on what an asspie he is.
This is because, on its most obvious level—people call in to vote for performances they like—American Idol is a show about interactivity. So interactivity is woven into the fabric of each moment of the show. American Idol wants you to have an opinion on American Idol, even if it’s a negative one. Once you have an opinion, you are a part of the culture the show has created around itself—even if you hate it. It’s like the moment in Psycho when Norman Bates has to get rid of Marion Crane’s car, so he drives it into the lake behind the Bates Motel. Alfred Hitchcock simply allows the camera to roll over Bates’ shoulder as the car slowly sinks into the water. At one point, the car stops sinking, as if the lake is only deep enough to cover half of the car. As an audience member, you instinctively want the car to sink—and, at that moment, Hitchcock has seduced you into rooting for the murderer. American Idol pulls off the same trick, only on a much larger scale.
The very design of the show seeks to stimulate conversation between the show and the audience, but—more importantly—it also wants to stimulate conversation amongst its audience. The conversation between audience members that takes place away from the show defines the show more accurately than what they actually air. This is why watching the show can be an utterly painful process—one that almost no one seems to actually enjoy—because the sole purpose of watching the show is to be able to spot those fleeting moments when contestants transcend the show, either by being totally great or totally bonkers. Half of American Idol’s most compelling moments are when competitors—like season 4’s Bo Bice or last season’s Jason Castro—seem like they don’t belong on American Idol (and then, when they begin to hew toward what we expect from an American Idol contestant, they suck.) The other half are moments that absolutely typify the show—the horrendous auditions and the genuinely awesome singers. The rest of the show is 100 percent disposable, and that’s the point—to air hours of footage in order to find moments of gold. That’s the experiment. American Idol has no idea what their audience will latch onto, so they cast as wide a net as possible, knowing that most people will latch onto something, even if only to hate it.
The ironic truth is: American Idol plays out exactly how a singing competition of this scale would play out if it didn’t happen in front of the cameras. Someone that was a basket case would make it to the finals. Someone would make it because they were funny, or charming. The judges would see something in someone that no one else would see, and have a blind spot for someone else. Tons of people would go home who didn’t deserve it. A few genuinely talented people would transcend the whole process. Trying to figure out why it all happened and how it would play out would be endlessly fascinating and futile. And the savviest—not necessarily the best—would rise to the top.
The major complaint about the 36 season 8 finalists has been about the inclusion of Von Smith (because apparently he’s famous for singing loudly on the internet), Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle (because he thinks he’s funny), Tatiana Del Toro (because she’s a train wreck), and Nathaniel Marshall (because he makes us all totally uncomfortable), and the dismissal of Jamar Rogers. But American Idol knows exactly what their audience will do with Jamar if he sings aiight—keep him around for a little while because he’s bland and inoffensive (even moderately likable), and then drop him in 9th place because he’s bland and inoffensive and moderately likable. On the other hand, who knows what the audience will do with Von, Norman, Tatiana, and Nathaniel. They’re all polarizing characters, and the producers including them in the final 36 is a genuinely ballsy move—especially if viewed as part of a grand social experiment.
This year, the 36 finalists will get swiftly narrowed down to 12 in a flurry of proverbial bloodshed—and only 9 of those will be chosen by the audience! This means that all kinds of people will be dropping left and right in the first couple of weeks, and the final twelve will be almost impossible to predict. Will Danny Gokey advance because he’s a decent singer with a touching back story, or will the audience spurn him because he’s a creepy dude perverting the memory of his recently deceased wife in order to become famous? I have no idea, but I definitely think I know what might happen, and I imagine that you do too. Like it or hate it (American Idol is impossible to love, because American Idol will never love you, because American Idol is a sociopath), American Idol is great at what it does, which is force you to have an opinion on American Idol. It’s the “No publicity is bad publicity” motto made tangible, except (admit it) a lot more fun.
Lost - "This Place Is Death" by Zeb L. West
I drew up a chart to illustrate my theory about people’s interest in Lost. I feel that the general trend is for interest to climb until the point where people start to feel like they don’t know wtf is going on. While there was a huge spike of interest caused by the mysteries presented in the first season, by the second people had a hard time even describing the show to their friends. Since the show was open ended, people lost confidence that the writers would ever resolve these mysteries they kept piling on. By season three, so many characters and plot twists had been introduced that the ABC started adding elaborate recap episodes to the beginning of each season. The casual fans could only watch those recaps and mutter ‘oh yeah, the four-toed colossus foot…’
Thankfully the solution came in the brilliant decision to end the story! ABC announced that there would be a finite amount of seasons, and all of a sudden the writers were empowered to begin the exciting process of unraveling their sprawling and labyrinthine tale. All of a sudden, they introduced the flash-forward (instead of just flashbacks), and viewer confidence soared with the feeling that at least the story is going… somewhere!
Of course there are a few outliers that affect people’s interest level in Lost. For instance, many jaded viewers found renewed interest by marathoning the DVD box sets. To alleviate the uncomfortable feeling of suspense which follows each episode, the binge viewer simply sets the DVD to ‘play all’ and kisses their anxiety (and their weekend) goodbye. Other outliers include the inconvenient offing of your favorite character due to drunken driving escapades among the cast, random Hollywood writer strikes, or alternate scifi/fantasy programming stealing your interest.
But Season five of Lost has wholeheartedly swung back to resolving plot elements and revealing information. With the introduction of time travel (sure, why not) and teleportation (I knew it all along!) viewer interest is at an all-time high . And to further assuage the confused masses, the producers have even started adding pop-up-video style comments to the episode that airs before the newest one. Thanks ABC!
This week’s episode focused mostly on Jin and Sun, and continues the plotlines of the islanders flashing through time and Ben trying to wrangle the crew in LA. I won’t go into spoiler territory, but will instead pose a question. While interest is peaked, and longtime fans are relieved to have their patience rewarded, is it enough? Are the writers really going to get away with adding devices like time travel teleportation into the fifth act of their story? And although these devices are convenient, will they deliver the ending that this story deserves? Only time will tell. (Or you can feel free to tell me what you think in the comments section! – ZW)
Special thanks to Create a Graph
Battlestar Galactica - "Blood On The Scales"
This episode delivered everything you want from a show. It was so good. It was the kind of episode that some shows, lesser shows, would have stretched the content of to make an entire season. The episode begins with the cliffhanger ending of Col. Tigh and Adama about to get shot – but no. They kick ass, and take names. Seriously. I think they often finish beating someone, taking their gun and then saying in a graveling, tense voice, “What’s your name? Gonna write it on my gun barrel. For the kids."
Okay, that may not be true, but I enjoyed thinking about it. Starbuck, man. I wanna be her. Every time I watch Kara Thrace kick ass, I wanna go sign up for, like, karate lessons or something.
This show doesn’t pussy foot around, either. Yeah, our favorites always seem to pull through and win in the end. They use the despicable characters for delivering all the despicable acts of violence. Tom Zarek executed the entire Quorum for God’s sake?!! Holy shit! Murdered. That was hard core. And Anders got shot! I don’t remember if he made it or not.
The episode begins with the ship now under the control of Gaeda. The President’s Raider is nearly destroyed – meaning Gaeda sent Vipers after her to kill her. Then the Cylons nearly jump with her on their ship. Gaeda lies to the President and tells her Adama is dead. But what’s awesome is that she does not slip into her realm of self-pity and despair like she had at the beginning of this season. (Which I was scared would happen.) Uh-uh. She is resolved. She screams into the PA system or whatever it is, something to the effect of: Fuck you, motherfuckers. I will not be defeated. I'll kill all of you.
EVERYONE steps up. Everyone becomes their best self. Or no, not their “best self” like they are on "good behavior." It's not grade school. They become their truest selves. That’s the beauty of it. And with further inspection I think one might see a little “love conquers all” theme. It’s everyone’s love of their, well, lovers, or friends, or colleagues,or fleet--whatever fuels their burning fires of passion to turn things around. They all take risks, take actions in the name of what they love. And it works. It works! See now I’ve made it sound like it’s cheesy, and it’s not. That’s the thing, it works so well on this show, doesn't it? This was such a kick ass, on-the-edge-of-your-seat episode, I never wanted it to end--but I was so happy with the way it did. Adama back in command (and with so much thanks to the Chief, he'll always be The Chief to me) for ripping the device out that would prevent the ship from jumping, in just the nick of times....with his bare hands! Roslin is back as President, and Gaeda and Tom Zarek executed. Bravo! Bravo!
(Can it possibly be even better next episode?! I don’t want to get my hopes up to high….but I know this show is capable of great things.)
The Bad Girls Club - "This Is Not The Amber Show"
Previously on The Bad Girls Club: The two Ambers have gotten
everybody to hate them. Other stuff happened, sure, but it's clear
from the editing that the only thing that matters is that tonight, the final countdown has started.
The episode opens with the two groups still split into different
cars, returning from Vegas. One car has the two Ambers and new girl
Ashley, the other has the Fab Four: Tiffany, Sarah, Ailea and Boston.
Amber M is mooning the cameraman from her car, and her and Amber B are obsessively singing the Amber show theme song, which is when they both sing "This is the Amber show" over and over again. Over at the Fab Four-Mobile, Sarah is explaining that the Ambers are not as "bad" as the rest of the girls, which is
why the two have come up with the Amber Show. (There is probably some argument to make that the producers--who devised the graphics and music for when the two Ambers perform "The Amber Show" portions of this program--are responsible for it's creation, but this does not necessarily negate Sarah's overall point, which is the same overall point she always makes about the Ambers, which is that they like each other more than they like anyone else in the house.)
The two Ambers arrive
back before the other girls and decide to put gummi bears all over the
house, including in a loaf of bread. It's not clear when this happened--Ashley had been riding with the Ambers, but is not home at the time, and the Fab Four seem to have not arrived home yet. The assumption has to be made that the two cars returned to the house, the Fab Four and Ashley left again. Either way, it's edited as if the Ambers walked into the house and immediately started placing gummi bears on the windows and in the sink, things like that.
When the other girls return to the house, they are very irritated by the gummi bears, and at one point Sarah argues that placing the gummi bears in the bag with the loaf of bread is "an invasion of personal space."
Later that evening, Sarah is asking Ailea a
lot of questions regarding Fazil and Kevin, questions like "Who are you more attracted to", that sort of thing. Sarah purposefully makes all the questions ones where Ailea has to reply "Fazil" instead of Kevin. In the confessional, Ailea admits she still hasn't told
Kevin she has kissed (and fooled around) with Fazil, but she claims "I
will let him know slowly. You're only young once! Why not have fun?"
Fazil, in case you forgot, has a girlfriend.
As the evening wears on, Tiffany is holding court outside with the Fab Four, talking about how new girl Ashley is starting to tire of always hanging out with the two Ambers. Tiffany claims this is because Ashley
has started to see that the Fab Four "are more real individuals,
relaxed and laid back."
As the girls plan to leave for the club, Boston fields a phone call from Kevin and tells him where the girls plan to hang out that evening. However, Ailea and Sarah have already made plans to meet up with Fazil and Noah that evening, so when she talks to Kevin, she lies to
him about having a "gilr's night" so that he won't come. When they arrive at the club, Noah and
Sarah are making out, and they cut to a confessional where Sarah reminds the viewer that she "has a little crush on
him," in case anyone had forgotten when they met, which is when Sarah pulled up her dress and grinded on Noah's penis through his jeans on camera while in a nightclub booth.
At the club, Ashley begins to flip out because she can't find her purse. (She had left her purse unattended in an empty booth while dancing with strangers.) In her anger, she knocks all of
the glasses off the table, as well as inadvertently hitting a nearby patron with a plate covered in nacho-type-food, eventually flipping the table into the
wall, yelling about her purse the whole time. When told to calm down by the bouncer,
she responds "My little brother has down's syndrome and those are the
only pictures I have of him, okay!" Tiffany, who has spent this entire time trying to calm her down, asking her if she's sure she didn't give her purse to anyone to hold onto, finally gives up and goes
and asks the two Ambers if they have Ashley's purse, since they were
holding onto everybody else's. They of course do, and yet when it
is returned to Ashley, she begins yelling at Tiffany, who, because she
is Tiffany, yells louder. Ashley then begins yelling at Amber B, and calls her "stupid blond bitch." Ailea, who hasn't been involved, pulls Boston and Ashley aside and claims this is another instance of the Ambers causing problems for everyone else. Tiffany, however, seems to be siding with the Ambers. (Tiffany is also the only one who happens to be sober.) They go home.
At home, Ashley apologizes to the Fab Four for her behavior. Sarah tells her that no apology is necessary, and then Ashley begins talking about how the two Ambers are nothing like the
other girls, thus cementing Tiffany's earlier suspicion that Ashley has grown tired of the Ambers. Meanwhile, Amber M and Amber B are talking about the current situation in the make-up
room. They are both tired and irritated by the dramatic behavior of their fellow roommates. Their decision--for
"the real me to come out" on the part of Amber B--is played out a bit melodramatically, and, as we shall see, has grave repercussions.
The next morning, all of the girls wake up sick. Boston has a fever, Ashely, Sarah and Amber M are coughing a
lot. Amber B has agreed to get cold medicine after she goes tanning.
(Amber B is the only girl in the house who is healthy.) She is gone for
two hours. She tells the girls--most of whom are angry with her for being gone so long--that she missed her tanning appointment and went shoe shopping instead,
although she did bring home cold medicine. Sarah immediately starts
complaining. (They are all smoking at the time, and apparently believe that their colds will go away magically upon the use of over the counter cold medicine.) Amber B decides to walk away,
saying she will not do favors for anyone anymore. Sarah continues to
complain to Ailea, Ashley and Tiffany. Amber B eventually storms back into the room
and the screaming begins. It goes on for a while, and eventually ends when Amber B says this "You're being a selfish
bitch! I went and I stood in line for you! You're a slut Sarah! And
I know you had a boob job! They all know!"
Sarah freaks out and comes running after Amber, who is now upstairs
with Amber M, who has yet to join in. The screaming continues. Sarah
pulls her top down, yelling about how real her breasts are. Sarah is really mad. In the confessional, Sarah talks about how mad she is, and then she squeezes her breasts at the
camera. The producers add in a squeaking noise while she does this, as if Sarah's breasts
are a dog's chew toy.
The two Ambers are talking about the fight, not caring (or not realizing) that these private one-on-ones are making the other girls even angrier. Amber B is very upset about it, but Amber M's response--priceless--is "It's called
jealousy. They're mad because you got shoes." Amber M then tells Amber B
that she is very proud of her.
Ashley doesn't think there is anything wrong with fake boobs, since she has them. She
has officially picked her side. The next day, the two Ambers decide to go out
together. The remaining girls have decided to play some pranks. They
put gummi bears in Amber B's laundry bag, Ailea chews up gummi bears and
spits them into the Ambers' bras, they put gummi bears in the Ambers'
laundry detergent and they spray some king of "glitter mist" on Amber B's new clothes. It should be noted that this is a major tamping up
of the previous pranks, none of which involved actual damage to
personal property. They then put oil in Amber B's face wash and
shampoo. (Later in this episode, Amber B offhandedly mentions to Amber M that her new face soap is making her break out.) For the last of the girl's pranks, they anchor a inflatable raft
in the middle of the pool and put about 40 pairs of shoes on it. Tiffany
officially labels the group as the Fab Five.
The Ambers arrive home and see the pranks, first noticing the gummi
bears, and then noticing the missing shoes. No one will tell them
where the shoes are. After finally getting some snide hints out of Sarah, the Ambers find the shoes, some of which are messed up
from the humidity of the pool. Amber B puts on her facial mask, not
realizing that there is oil in it. Amber B decides not to say anything
to the other girls, as she believes this will prevent them from being satisfied, having little idea of how far the Fab Five is willing to go.
Ailea decides not to go out with the girls that evening, instead staying in with Kevin, who brings a bottle of tequila and gets her really drunk. She ends up spending the evening on the couch, complaining about the Ambers to Kevin, who, for the first time ever, seems to have come over because he thought he was going to have sex.
At the club, Noah has
come over to say hello to Sarah, who tells him that she hasn't "had sex in like six weeks. I
am a horny bitch. You come over, and lay on my bed, and I'm going to
want to fuck the shit out of you. And I don't want to do that here."
Noah's response is "I promise I won't let you."
Sarah claims in a confessional that she has sabotaged a lot of relationships because she
has slept with the guy too early. Or, as she puts it: "I don't want
to bang Noah because he's hot. I want to sleep with Noah because...I
like him."
When the girls return to the house, Amber B and Sarah have a conversation where Amber B reveals a story from her college days where she had a black
roommate who wanted her own room, and the "black roommate" went to the
"black RA", and they went before a judge, "who was black" and she got
kicked out of college. Sarah admits in the confessional that Amber B
telling Sarah this story was a horrible mistake because she is going to
tell everyone. She does exactly this, the next day convincing everybody in the car about how Amber B was
kicked out of college for racial slurs. Sarah then claims that Amber B had told the roommate that Amber B's "people" had used to own "black people, slaves." (If this is true--and it seems unlikely--it was not shown on television. It's not unlikely because Amber B isn't a racist, she most likely is, but it's unlikely because that is something the Oxygen producers definitely would have shown on television.) Tiffany says
that she is "not surprised."
Back at the house, Amber B warns Amber M that everybody is going to have a lot of drama
coming.
At the same time, Ashley is telling the girls that the Ambers said that everyone in
the house is a gold digger except for them. (Not true.) Tiffany
starts telling Ailea all of the shit the Ambers said about Ailea and
Kevin. (True.) Sarah starts telling Ashley about the previous week,
when Amber B claimed that Ashley had seen Sarah's online pictures and
talked shit about Sarah. (Unknown if this is true. Amber B did say
this stuff, but there was never a scene where the original conversation
was shown.)
Later that evening in the make-up room, the Fab Five is making subtle sarcastic remarks
regarding the Ambers in the make-up room. Amber B chooses to ignore
it. But she does notice it, and bring it up with Amber M. Both girls are getting upset,
and a little bit frightened, it seems.
The girls are going to see a cover band called Steel Panther. They are
a hair band, like Poison or White Snake. Then the principal from Saved by the Bell says hello and shakes their hands and they all get pretty excited. He looks very old.
Steel Panther tells the girls that they require someone to show their boobs. Sarah and
Ashley agree, laughingly pulling up their shirts and squeezing their naked breasts for the enjoyment of Steel Panther, but then the lead singer calls Sarah slutty and she gets offended. (Again: she yanks her shirt and bra off and squeezes and plays with her breasts at the band's demand and then gets mad when he calls her slutty.) Within one song of the band's set, the girls start fighting with some girl who has pushed Ashley. Like last week's Ashley fight, this one is edited very quickly, but it is obviously a serious one involving actual punches and so on. Noah gets involved and begins attacking nearby guys and they get kicked out of the club. They continue the fight outside, this time with bouncers. Ailea is extremely drunk, far more drunk then she has ever been, and she is the most aggressive. The Ambers, who are not drunk, are not participating. When the girls finally leave in the limo, the camera pulls back enough to reveal that nearly the entire club had emptied into the street to watch the fight.
Back at the house, Ailea starts screaming randomly at everyone: "You don't fuck with me and my bitches. No one has ever seen
me mad." She picks up a bottle and throws it. She then begins to yell at the Ambers. The rest of the girls are just sitting and watching.
Amber M goes upstairs, because she realizes that this is going to blow
back up on her. Tiffany and her end up on the balcony, as Tiffany tries to get Amber M to accept responsibility for the rumors that have been flying around, as well as Amber M's actual statements, and, in addition, the blame for the overall state of conflict. Amber M, who is both too tired and too sober to care, refuses to engage, continuously repeating that she doesn't have the feelings that Tiffany and the Fab Five are ascribing to her. Tiffany warns her that this was her last chance or something along those lines. Then the Ambers go and try to comfort one another.
It's not clear which of the Fab Five decides that this is the time to confront the Ambers, but one of them does, and the girls storm the bedroom. What follows is both frightening and ridiculous, as Amber B tries to tell the girls that she just thinks that this is something that should be handled when everyone is sober. Eventually it deteriorates into screaming and accusations, some true, some not, and then Ailea jumps at Amber B and starts screaming into her face a bunch of slurred statements that are indecipherable. Due to the scattered editing of this sequence, as well as a couple of slow-motion replays in the middle, it's not clear what, if anything, was decided. However, after the climax of the scene, it's clear that Amber B's earlier statement was correct: the Fab Five may scream and make threats, but they have yet to physically attack either of the Ambers. There was a girl who left the show who did get physical with Amber M, but she has left the show...
Or has she?
Next time on The Bad Girls Club: If you ever watch an episode, this should be the one. Amber B, glancing at Amber M, saying "I wish Kayla was here."
And then, in black and white, with slow-motion effects?
The return of Kayla.
Recent Comments