There’s been a lot of cry-cry going on about the flailing music industry for the last, like, 30 years—and rightly so. Record sales suck, there are few major hits, and Radiohead is taking over the asylum. But the irony of it all is that the keys to the kingdom are hiding in plain sight. All anyone needs to know about writing a monster hit song can be gleaned with one quick listen through the top ten of iTunes’ Top Songs chart. And now you don’t even need to do that, ‘cause I’m bout to spell it out for you right here. Over the next couple of weeks, for the first time anywhere, I would like to present to you MC Stank Booty™’s 6 or 7 (Relatively) Easy Steps Toward Writing YOUR Breakout, iTunes Chart-Topping Single.
This week:
Build a Brand. A Vacuous, Meaningless Brand
In some ways, the current iTunes singles chart looks a lot like the musical landscape did around 1993-1995, after grunge had blown up, when a thousand anonymous rock bands flooded the airwaves and MTV. On a micro level, the differences between all of the bands were distinct enough that it was possible to have favorites. The Gin Blossoms watered down grunge for AM radio. Stone Temple Pilots treaded a perfect line between Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains, so you got grungy classic rock with a metal edge. Collective Soul had the God thing. Candlebox secretly hated everyone, making them a teenager’s best friend. Soul Asylum were earnest. The Toadies had some menacing creepiness. Sponge increased grunge’s tempo. Seven Mary Three shouted a lot. The Presidents of the United States of America could have crossed over to the Dr. Demento crowd. (No joke: In 1995, “Lump” was the #1 song on San Bernardino’s local alternative rock station.) More accurately, those “favorites” were really just brand allegiances. It’s as difficult to argue that Live is a greater band than Better Than Ezra as it would be to argue that Dial is a better soap than Irish Spring because it lasts longer and it’s typically less green.
Take a quick look at the top of the iTunes charts, and you’ll see three artists successfully building their respective brands. Flo Rida dominated 2008’s iTunes charts with “Low”—a collaboration with T-Pain that rocks a simple but effective hook and shows little trace of actual personality. That’s not to say “Low” wasn’t a decent song—in fact, it probably benefited from Flo Rida’s neutrality—but what do you do for the follow up? (I’m glad you asked.) You take a cue from Puffy Dad circa 1997, and re-appropriate the catchiest part of a huge single from the 1980’s. Then, you take a cue from Vanilla Ice, and you change the melody just enough that you probably don’t have to pay for the rights to it. Add that to the formula that worked for you the first time and, in Flo Rida’s case, you get “Right Round”—a song based on Dead or Alive’s “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” that is currently locked in at number one on iTunes. Remember how much you hated P. Diddle and Vanilla Ice? Well, guess what? Puff Daddy won. Vanilla Ice won. Their legacies continue to rule the charts. (And somebody probably should have mentioned that to Ice before he went on TV and apologized for all of his music.)
The number two and three spots on iTunes are also held by two artists attempting to brand themselves—Lady Gaga and Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em. Those two names alone should prove that just about anything can be a brand name in music, as long as you use it more than once. Lady Gaga is following up her first big hit, “Let’s Dance”—an innocuous, house-influenced pop song about (wait for it) dancing—with “Poker Face,” an innocuous, house-influenced pop song about (yup) having a poker face. The song begins, “I wanna hold ‘em like they do in Texas play,” which is her attempt to expand the titular metaphor by dropping some pop culture knowledge. Get it? Texas hold ‘em. Poker. Look, I’m not going to do all the work for you. Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em is chasing the eternal “Crank Dat” with “Kiss Me Through the Phone,” a The-Dream influenced R&B joint about not being able to see his girl in person. Notice how the titles of each song, combined with the brand name, tell you exactly what you can expect from them. Notice also that each song, compared with their first hits, is a further step toward novelty—a significant achievement, especially when you consider that Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em’s first hit was a song that introduced a new dance… called the Superman.
Even more telling is that each of the artists with established names residing on the current iTunes chart are either vacuous brand names (The Pussycat Dolls, Plain White T’s—perhaps the greatest empty band name ever) or are hedging back toward being a vacuous brand name (Eminem, Britney Spears). Let’s call this the Kelly Clarkson rule—because she tried to get artistic with her last album and it tanked, so “My Life Would Suck Without You” is blatantly modeled after “Since You’ve Been Gone,” her most beloved hit. Notice that, even though T.I. is an iconoclastic dude, his highest charting hits—like the current “Dead and Gone”—are archetypal. He saves the personality for the album tracks—and this is a fine variation on the Kelly Clarkson rule. Also, notice how Kanye West maintains a solid presence on the iTunes chart. 808’s and Heartbreak, which sees the former producer/rapper turn toward self-serious and seriously AutoTuned R&B, could be viewed either as a risky, artistic and stylistic leap—or as a calculated move based on current pop trends. In reality, it’s both at once. If nothing else, Kanye proves that moving toward emptiness doesn’t have to be a move away from artistry. Think of it as pop Buddhism.
-Martin Brown, 2009
I'm going to comment now before I forget to later even though I have nothing worthwhile to add. This is yet another jaw droppingly awesome article in your series of awesomeness.
Posted by: Kenny | 2009.03.18 at 11:31
Is the Kelly Clarkson Rule a derivation of the Weezer Postulate?
Posted by: mr. rendon | 2009.03.19 at 19:41