Television Of The Weak: I Heard They Were This Close To Actually Cutting Out Dushku's Eyes Just For Laffs UPDATED

Lost – "Namaste" by Zeb L. West

One of the toughest tricks of storytelling is to not simply delivering exposition, but finding a plausible context for it. That’s why many stories have a ‘point of view’ character who is a rookie cop, or newly transferred student, or an initiate of some sort. This character enters a new world knowing as little about it as the audience does, so he can ask all of the really obvious questions and the viewers at home get to learn at a reasonable pace. And now that half of our main characters on Lost have spent three years with the mysterious Dharma Initiative, we’re bound to have a lot of questions.

When Jack, Kate and Hurley are dropped into 1977, they have the same questions we do. But as much as we’d like for them to sit down with Sawyer and have a nice long chat about wtf the Dharma Initiative is all about, it wasn’t in the cards for this episode. Instead, Sawyer has to do some quick thinking to find a reason to justify their presence, so they won’t be mistaken for Hostiles.

These last couple episodes have added a lot of dimension to Sawyer’s character as he assumes a leadership role within the Dharma initiative and among his fellow time-stranded cohorts (the Dharma Bums, as I call them). Sawyer receives a long-awaited comeuppance when Jack approaches him to make a plan, because now the blonde con-man is holding all the cards. Jack also has to swallow the facts that Juliet and Sawyer are now a happy cohabiting couple, and that his Dharma assignment is for janitorial work. The look of dejection on his face as he slumps away from Sawyer and Juliet’s house is so far from the confident hero who thought he’d done right by getting the Oceanic Six off the island.

I have to say that Lost in the 1977 is hilarious and fun. When the “new recruits” (Jack, Kate and Hurley) roll up in the powder-blue VW bus to the tune of Blues Image’s “Ride Captain Ride,” decked out in 70s garb, they look like they’re headed to a key party. The scene that follows includes a deliciously icy reunion between Kate and Juliet, who seem like they’re headed for an all-out catfight over Sawyer in the coming weeks. Mysteriously missing from that scene was a bumbling Hurley, who seemed the most nervous about having to lie about his identity – seemed like a missed opportunity for hilarious hijinks.

We meet younger versions of three pivotal characters during the episode, the most surprising of which was Horace and Amy’s baby. Juliet looks horrified as she discovers that the baby she’s holding is actually Ethan, the man who would eventually help convince her to come to the island in the first place. As Jin rushes to The Flame Station to see if there had been any airplane spotting, we get to meet Radzinsky, who together with Kelvin Inman will become the button-pushing precursors to Desmond. Radzinsky was mentioned before by Inman in reference to the spot on the ceiling he left when he blew his brains out in the hatch. The last and most exciting young character (even though we’ve seen him before) is the superbly-cast pubescent Benjamin Linus, whose red dead eyes and generally creepy demeanor should be fun to watch in the weeks ahead.

What I’m asking myself right now: Why is Sun in the present and not the past? Are our survivors responsible for the Purge? What is young freaky Ben capable of?!

24 - "9:00PM-10:00PM  

It's been a while since 24 threw in a full-blown shocker, and I'm not about to lie and say that I saw the machine gun execution of Mr. 70's Show guy coming.  (I'm not counting when it cut to a close-up of him opening the door to greet the evil Bauer clone who took him down--yes, that made it clear, but that was only a fraction of a second.) I'll also admit that I didn't see the possiblity of Jack going all Transformers attack squad with a Caterpillar either, but that's something I don't think anybody saw coming, unless I missed a camera angle that introduced the earth-mover. Although this episode had it's flaws--I'm not about to write another recap that focuses on the simple horror of watching Janeane Garofolo, as I assume it's unnecceesary at this point, she's got leukamia of the acting--but overall, any episode that consists of Jack killing people with completely over the top 

Predator style screwdriver throws, anytime you see a man attack a trailer with a piece of industrial construction equipment, it's sort of undeniable how completely fucking necessary it is to have something like 24 on television.  Yes, the torture debates are stupid and menial, yes the terror threats are hideously exploitiative, but look at it this way: Airwolf was about an attack helicopter with heat seeking missiles and gatling guns, and 24's main character can beat that entire series body count with one episode alone. I guess it just comes down to what you demand of your television set:  crying, fucking, and dying.  Cinemax has us covered on one, the other's needs are met by contemporary poetry, and The Shield's been gone for months.  Best bring the fucking thunder, Jon Voight. Jack's stealing cars.

Dollhouse - "True Believer" by Matthew J. Brady

Oh, dear lord, was this a bad episode. Joss Whedon better fulfill the promise to blow my mind with greatness next week, or this show is getting kicked to the fucking curb with zero remorse. Should I even bother recapping the plot? Well, that's kind of the point of this thing, so why not: Echo gets sent to infiltrate a Koresh-ian cult in Arizona at the request of a senator (which, in one of the only slightly interesting bits in the episode, serves to explain why Dollhouse gets by without the feds on their backs). They outfit her with an optic nerve implant which allows them to see a signal sent from her eyes but also renders her blind. There's some boring complications involving an overzealous ATF agent who is so intent on capturing the cult leader that he is willing to bend the very law he is supposed to enforce, oh my heavens. Also, the number two guy at Dollhouse is revealed to have a problem with Echo, so he shows up and tries to off her for poorly defined reasons. Echo plays the part of a submissive religious follower, until the plot calls for her to turn badass and punch the bad guys; it's typical deer-in-the-headlights acting from Eliza Dushku. The problem with the whole thing is that we never find out the truth about the leader; was he an evil gun-runner who was abusing his followers, or a misunderstood believer who was wronged by the authorities? He has a basement full of assault weapons, which he tells his followers are preparation for the inevitable government assault, but we never find out the real reason for his having them. Why did he bother gathering a bunch of nuts around him? There doesn't seem to be any abuse going on, except for his semi-mean interrogation of Echo. The whole thing seems rather poorly thought out. Show us something disturbing, other than sheep-like people who are ready to believe anything he tells them (you can get that any Sunday, a few blocks from your house). It all adds up to a boring situation, a tiresome climax, and nothing in the way of illumination of any of the characters.

Even worse is the juvenile subplot that pops up when Topher (the nerdy tech guy), spots one of the male dolls getting aroused while in the shower with one of his female counterparts (they all share a group shower, in order to provide lots of almost-nudity). This leads to several scenes of gay panic, as he gets all embarrassed when reporting this to Dollhouse's doctor, and then cringes his way through viewings of security tapes (of the showers!) as they try to spot a history of his erections. Yes, the show has devolved to boner jokes, which made me want to punch the fucking TV. I hadn't minded Topher up to this point; his Whedon-y dialogue was one of the few sources of humor in the show. But this episode quickly launched me into the ranks of Topher-haters that populate the comments at the AV Club; if he doesn't grow the fuck up sometime soon, I'll be rooting for Alpha to shoot him in the head.

In supblot #2, Agent Helo continues to search for Echo fruitlessly, but he actually comes close to finding her when he spots her on news footage from the compound. Yawn. When will he wake up and notice the prominent cleavage on the neighbor lady who keeps going out of her way to flirt with him? Again: boring.

All right, it's make-or-break time; the promo for next week promises an episode that will "change everything", so maybe something interesting will finally happen. If nothing else, Patton Oswalt guest stars, so that should provide a slight bit of entertainment to give the show a send-off. Really, I don't want to dislike this show as much as I'm starting to, so maybe Whedon will be able to turn it around. But at this point, it's looking like he's got his work cut out for him. Don't fuck it up, Joss.

American Idol – Grand Ol’ Opry Week

Alexis Grace’s somewhat unexpected ouster at the end of Grand Ol’ Opry week—you may remember that, a couple of weeks ago, I had her pegged to win the whole thing, based on the theory that someone who flies under the radar usually does—highlights an important thing about our American Idol program: even when it’s exciting, it’s still relatively dull. Sure, I like seeing how the pressure of the competition effects each of the performers from week-to-week; I like seeing the group dynamic in constant motion; I like the secret agreement that everyone has to protect the girl with Tuesday night’s worst performance because she has a wittle cold bug. Then again, I am not a particularly stable person. It’s a testament to the deep talent pool this season that a legitimately strong contender can go out in 11th—meaning she doesn’t even score a slot on tour with the Top 10—and it’s comforting that there’s no clear front-runner for the title, as much as they wish Danny Gokey would be. At the same time, this is usually the point in the competition where my attention starts waning—the singers tend to find a comfortable groove and are generally trying harder not to alienate people than to actually win them over.

Recap speed round: Michael Sarver can’t sing, but he sure seems like a nice guy. Alison gave the same performance as she has in the previous two rounds—and she rocked, but ended up in the bottom 3. Kris is a totally likable dude/singer, especially for a pretty-boy. Lil Rounds is not a country singer because she doesn’t know how to tell a sad story. Anoop may not be turning into a parody of an American Idol contestant after all. Scott MacIntyre can’t sing, but he sure is blind. Danny matched his glasses to his outfit, again. Adam did some freaky sitar shit with “Ring of Fire.” Megan squawked and shuffled. Matt was 100% forgettable. Alexis overestimated her own sex appeal and got booted. Three out of four Wild Cards are still there, rendering everyone’s complaints moot. Simon was right, but so was Paula. Kara was wrong. Randy called Kris a “tender dawg,” and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

The Bad Girls Club - "The Amber Show/Bad Girls Club Clip Show"

Tonight's episode is a clip show. It opens with the two Ambers on a couch, on a new set. It has a cold open, with the two Ambers singing their theme song, which is just them saying "This is the Amber Show, this is the Amber Show" while making doo doo doo noises. Here's the problem with doing a Bad Girls Club clip show:  the Bad Girls Club proper already is a clip show. None of the cast maintains anything like a cogent emotional state for longer than 20 minutes, one that follows the natural rise and fall of chronological time. They operate fully at extremes, making every situation a clip worthy moment. That's the general reason the show exists--unlike similarly themed reality shows (Big Brother, The Real World, anything that focuses on strangers-in-house) where each episode generally builds to some sort of heightened emotional climax, like a big argument about beepers and racial stereotyping, or the conflict inherent in bigoted evangelicals and transsexuals, the Bad Girls Club achieves these every couple of minutes.  Fighting is constant.  Uncensored hate is spewed. An episode can include one of the  girls cheating on her boyfriend by fucking a stranger (on camera), multiple ejections from local nightclubs and a screaming match in the kitchen that results in a girl throwing a full teapot at one of her roommates--and yet none of those things serve as the emotional fulcrum of the show in the way they would on a season of The Real World.  On the Bad Girls Club, it's money-shots all the time, it's already 44 minutes of raw clip-worthy footage. If that weren't the case, a clip show might be necessary, maybe even interesting, because it would contain stuff that was awful and hilarious, but not tied into the general run of the regular season.  But the Bad Girls Club proper doesn't care about general runs, there isn't a goal, it's just raw footage of a bunch of girls put in a house.  They don't have a job, an overall goal, they're provided with limousines, alcohol, and a space to fuck.  So what's the solution to fill the season out and get some ad dollars to pay off the time it took to film?  

Put the two least irritating/crazy girls on a cheap couch in a small studio, give them a bunch of giant gummi bears shoved onto trophy bases as "awards", hope they can dispense some charisma and show a bunch of scenes that weren't good enough to make the show.

That's why the show returns from the standard credit introduction with the two Ambers burping.

The first award is for "Best Boy Toy."  A montage of the various bang toys used by the women to forget the vapidness of their lives is run--Greg, Noah, Kevin, Fazil and Joey.  Not included?  The guy Amber M gave a blow-job too in a nightclub bathroom, the two Brazilians who fucked Ashley and Sarah in Mexico, and the two random guys that Ailea picked up so that she could tell them how much she hated the Ambers.  Kevin, the 40-something guy Ailea met on the internet, wins the trophy. Although none of the guy stuff is interesting to watch, it does include a bunch of old school diamond wipes that makes the Amber Show look sort of like a high school news program, and it displays the Ambers comedic timing as a duo.  They're actually not bad at all, sort of like the Smothers Brothers with breasts.  And whorish tendencies.

After some random banter, none of it quote worthy, the viewer gets to see why these particular ladies were picked:  casting videos.  Let's run it down.

Kacee/Kayla:  She admits that she has stolen, fought multiple times and lies about being arrested.  She once had sex with someone in a car, on the freeway, while they were driving at a high rate of speed.

Ailea:  She admits to making out with a married man.  (Boring, but her prime moments come later in the episode.)

Sarah: Sarah's had sex with more than one person in a 24 hour period, she's had sex at the zoo, and she isn't sure if she's had a threesome or not, but believes she probably has.

Amber B:  She responds to the question about threesomes with an "Of course."  She once had sex in a Macy's dressing room, and when asked how much she drinks, she says "Four or five times a week, normally.  Six at the most."

Tiffany:  She had sex outside in the rain, in a park.  She doesn't mention whether it was with Jon Cusack, but one assumes.

Amber M: She claims she had sex with someone while parasailing.

Whitney/Boston:  She responds to most of the questions by saying "Go fuck yourself" or "I'm not a fucking whore."

All in all, the casting videos are kind of disappointing.  Thankfully, the next sequence is the girls being gross, as the Ambers prepare to give out the "Hottest Mess" award.  Due to shoddy editing, they never introduce what the award is for, they just go through a montage of the girls being gross.  It's introduced with Ailea informing the girls that "crabs live inside the lips of your vagina."  Then the girls pee in the street, Amber M uses the curtains to wipe herself after a bathroom trip, and they show a lot of fighting. Cut to: Sarah, declaring it is time for a "masturbation war."  Cut to: Amber B drunkenly attempting to shove a glass Coke bottle into her vagina while the girls look on in horror.

The remainder of the nominations are for Ashley, who got in a lot of fights, showed a lot of breast, and had sex with multiple partners, despite only being on the show half the time everyone else was.  She wins, mostly on the basis of when her nipples kept popping out in Cancun while she screamed at the winner of a bathing suit competition about how gross and unattractive the winner was compared to her.

Then there's an aborted sequence where the producers brought in a "love coach" to give the girls advice. There's a reason it wasn't included on the show.  It's boring, and involves the girls pretending to care about being better people.  There's a montage of the girls doing things the "wrong way".  Amber M wins this montage hands down, as she tells some hippy "Your face looks like my vagina when I don't shave." Sarah comes in a close second when she forgets what country she's in while a Brazilan guy takes her from behind.  "Where are we?  Oh.  Oh.  Can-cunny."

The next sequence shows promise, as the two Ambers are sitting on toilets in bathroom stalls while Amber M stuffs her top with toilet paper, but it's just a collection of shit-talking. There's more than enough of that in every episode.

Then, it's time for hardcore sex. On cable television. The viewer is unaware if this show is rated, but it doesn't matter.  After some random silliness, it cuts to the bedroom, where a black box conceals Ashley as she straddles Joey, who is from a different reality show.  She's moaning, saying things like "oh yeah, So good."  Tiffany and a couple of other girls come into the room--there's no door--and watch for a couple of minutes before Tiffany, in a low, manly voice says "Emmmm, get it girl, get it."  Ashley gets irritated, and in a couple of minutes says "This isn't going to happen for me."  She climbs off Joey's penis.

After that tour de force of exploitation, it's time for another failed show segment, this one about the house boy that the girls hired after an extensive "take off all your clothes" interview. The house boy came for one day, smoked, played pool by himself, didn't do any work, drank their beer, and pretty much ignored them completely. Boring.  The next award is for biggest Drama Queen, which Kayla takes for her brilliant performance as a completely naked woman screaming in a limousine about a torn dress. After that, it's time for the best celebrity award, which Chris Judd wins in some kind of weird fix. Apparently he actually spoke and did stuff when he helped "choreograph" the Bad Girls in Vegas.  If you saw that episode, you're probably wondering why nobody mentioned that the girls thought he was dreamy and cool when it aired, becuase they didn't pay much attention to him at that time. Whatever. Carrot Top brought them shots.  He should have taken this one.

The next award is for something like "Biggest Deal", which doesn't sound right, but it doesn't matter. This category exists for one reason, to show the video that anybody who watches this show has been waiting for:  a montage of how many times Whitney says something about being from Boston. They show 38 different scenes in 120 seconds.  She mentions "Boston" in all 38 of them.  It's the most blatant proof that the producers loath Whitney on a personal level in a season full of them. 

Just in case one was worried that the character assassination is too focused on one individual, there's another montage, this one of the girls mispronouncing words like "aluminum", "salmon" and "acetaminophen". The montage is saved by it's climax, where Tiffany refuses to believe that the word "indivisible" is in the Pledge of Allegiance, and she's so incredibly persuasive that the two Ambers eventually agree that the phrase "...one nation, under God, individual, with liberty and justice for all" is correct.

Then, because who cares, it's time for the Best Throw Down award. It's a completely stupid competition, because they don't even include the fight that resulted in two people being ejected from the show. Instead, they go with the one where Amber M and Kayla choked each other out.  It's not a bad one, but seriously--did any of the other fights involve the police, interrogations and late night doctor visits? Ridiculous.

The clip show winds down with a terrible Amber-on-the-streets time-filler, wherein Amber M uses poorly thought out slang to ask a homeless man if he's interested in fucking her in the ass. He's more than happy to oblige.

Next time on the Bad Girls Club:  The season finale, which apparently includes yet another Tiffany-goes-crazy-yelling at Amber M, and we get to watch Sarah try to explain to her boyfriend Noah--who she has withheld sex from, because she wants to have a serious relationship with him--why he should stick around now that she's had drunken sex with a strange Brazilian.

-Tucker Stone, Martin Brown & Matthew J. Brady, 2009

Comments

[Sean Witzke]

Is this the end of the Bad Girls season? Because I've only seen two episodes and I want to catch up.

Other than that - are any of you guys watching East Bound and Down? Series finale is next week, and it will most likely involve Craig Robinson trying to get his eye put back into his skull.

[Tucker Stone]

One more episode of Bad Girls next week. Looks terrible--if the best thing they can show in the previews is another yelling match, that means there wasn't a fist fight.

I'm not watching East Bound, although I've meant too.

[Matthew J. Brady]

It sounds like you've nailed what makes Bad Girls so compelling, at least for someone like me who has never watched the show. All climax, all the time. It's gotta get exhausting though, from what it sounds like. Wow, there is some fucked up stuff on TV.

I'll have to get Eastbound & Down when it hits DVD; it sounds great. That Danny McBride guy kind of came from nowhere (2008 was his year, between Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express), and he's hilarious.

Oh, and what about Battlestar? Is Nina saving a big post for the finale tonight or something?

[seth hurley]

Have you noticed that 24 is slowly going through the cast of Robocop & killing them off: Peter Weller, Clarence Boddicker, & Jack's bro Emil.

I am genuinely surprised that Ronny Cox, Miguel Ferrer, & Ray Wise haven't appeared yet as CTU Directors, shady businessmen, or sweaty chiefs of staff.

[tucker Stone]

I think Peter Weller didn't actually die on that submarine--he's still here, and he's helping Jack along. Never forget: this man has had a heart condition since season 2, made worse by his horrible drug addiction in season 3. Something kept him alive during those years of torture, and I think it was Sgt. Motherfucking Murphy.

[seth hurley]

You may be right. He went underground, had plastic surgery, & the next time we him he will be played by Robert John Burke.

oh, and I just remembered that Ray Wise played Logan's scheming VP, so there is still potential for him to die!

[tucker Stone]

Yeah, I couldn't remember if Ray Wise had done his time on 24 or not, but you're right. I'm not going to be fully satisfied until an entire season revolves around jack/murphy taking on Tom Noonan, all juiced up on NUKE.

[seth hurley]

Noonan, oh god, NOONAN.

that is perfect.

[Sean Witzke]

Matt and Tucker - dude East Bound & Down is maybe the most brutal comedy America has ever let loose. It's the real American office, only where British jerks are kind of loud and smarmy and never listen - American jerks do coke and steroids, curse at kids, start fires, throw whores off of jetskis, leech off their families, fuck other people's wives, and blind people with baseballs. It's pure misanthropy. And fucking awesome.

[Sharif]

Matthew J. Brady, how can you be critical of such well timed (contrived?) lines like, "I was blind but now I can see." That one's a classic!