Comics Of The Weak: Let's Get This Done As Quickly As Possible So We Can All Tell Stories About Going Downtown

Captain America # 49
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Luke Ross, Rick Magyar & Frank D'Armata
Published by Marvel Comics

It's one thing for a Captain America comic to go for almost a year without having an actual Captain America character in it, and it's another thing entirely to have an issue come out that strictly focuses on some lady that used to have sex with Captain America. Like, seriously? She's hot and all, but how the fuck are you supposed to scream Woot Woot while reading about some girl crying and finding out that her baby died? That shit is just très déprimant. Adding in an old lady with Alzeheimer's just makes it seem like a little pushy, too--is Ed Brubaker's goal here just to make the reader cry? Well, it worked, but now we have to go and buy another issue, because all the pages on this one are totally saturated in salty bio-liquids. That's a more ethical way to sell additional issues than variant covers, at least, but still: nobody likes the kid who cries about Captain America comics. (Technically, no one should.)

Halo: Uprising # 4

Written by Brian Michael Bendis

Art by Alex Maleev & June Chung

Published by Marvel Comics

I Blame The Weird Spacing Below On Microsoft

It's always fun to show up late to a party when there are a bunch of tolerant hotties in attendance and the free drugs still run in streams, but when the party is a bunch of unforgiving video game types, maybe an early night in with a fistful of Wallace-O'Farrell's Slippery Stuff Gel and the entire first season of Co-Ed Confidential--don't waste your time with that "Spring Break" shit, it's fundamentally crap--would have been a better option. But in hopes of possibly toasting up the buy-this-in-trade market, Bendis & Maleev finally got around to putting out the story of what happened between Halo 2 & Halo 3, only missing that oh-so-important Halo 3 release date by about, oh, 19 fucking months. Of course, all that "this got pretty jacked up, right?" wouldn't matter so much if there was some kind of Big Numbers level worth-waiting-for crap in the offing, at least that way the authors could point to all the intellectual/artistic heavy lifting that went into writing a licensed property comic designed to advertise a soon-to-drop game that was released almost two years ago--too bad what showed up, finally, is the story of two dweebs crying and a cheeseball missile attack. Supposedly, the game developers are just as much to blame for the lateness as the Marvel people. Probably true, but when something is this fucking stupid, there's enough chuckles for everyone. (Unless you were pulling for "me likey Master Chief Helmet Fighter, me want more of me likey stuff about Master Chief Helmet Fighter", because hey: none of that showed up either.)

Mysterius The Unfathomable # 4

Written by Jeff Parker

Art by Tom Fowler & Dave McCaig

Published by Wildstorm/DC Comics

While it works as a chapter in the ongoing story that Mysterius is telling, this 4th issue is more valuable in that it's an opportunity to watch Jeff Parker move to the background and let Tom Fowler act out on his own version of Kirby-ish fantasy world building, to play with and pump out a universe built upon the concept of brightly colored demons and zane-heavy characters. Story-wise, it's a creepy sort of mash-note to Dr. Seuss--art-wise, it's a cartoonist at play in the fields of the experimental sketchbook gone professional, where even the gutters and panel borders behave in service of new rules. It may not be to everyone's taste, and the story doesn't technically seem to be pushing itself into a direction one might call "ground-breaking", but seriously: this art is pretty fucking special.

Rampaging....yeah, Wolverine # 1

Written by Joshua Hale Fialkov, Chris Yost, Robin Furth & Ted McKeever

Art by Paco Diaz Luque, Mateus Santolouco, Nelson & Ted McKeever

Published by Marvel Comics

As the days count down to the release of another Hugh Jackman cold shower spectacle, Marvel has the sausage machine set at full-speed, with a new chapter of Wolverine adventures every week. This time, it's a collection of black & white stories set around the HIGH CONCEPT of the character Being On Different Islands. Like--that's the way they come up with comics nowadays. That's what they sent to the writers, a one-page sheet of paper that said "Wolverine story set in forest in space at China ON ISLAND" and the deadline being "Soon". Ted McKeever, a guy who seems to have decided that he got all that "make shit that isn't a waste of time" thing out of his system now that his older, better work is getting reprinted, turns in a semi-tolerable story involving monkey wars, Chris Yost writes an effective little piece marred by an integral dependence on the fact that Wolverine is always saying "I'm the best I am at what I do" which is, of course, nothing worth being proud of, Joshua Hale Fialkov is given too many pages with which to write another story about Wolverine and his relationship with native cultures (girl dies, Logan cries, got it), and Robin Furth, Stephen King's research assistant, turns in one of those text based stories that makes any comic look like high art, regardless of subject matter, sheerly by the fact that at least the shittiest Wolverine comic ever can't drag as much as the text-based Wolverine adventures. All of it is illustrated with the same sort of slap-dang bullshit that a project like this demands, with only Mateus Santolouco and Ted McKeever seeming interested in working in black & white. You could say that these are the sorts of comics that would fuck you in your sleep, but it isn't like they could figure out the proper orifice. You just wake up with gross ass spunge all over your toes. 

R.E.B.E.L.S. # 3

Written by Tony Bedard

Art by Andy Clarke & Jose Villarubia

Published by DC Comics

R.E.B.E.L.S. is turning into the comic book equivalent of a blind date with a guy, where you first say "Oh wait, I'm not actually into guys that aren't Timothy Olypant, and even that is sort of an imaginary Truth or Dare kind of thing" but then you figure that hey, it's hard enough to get decent dinner reservations at the Monkey Bar, and he sort of looks like David Morse, and why not, you don't have to put out or anything, so what the fuck, you go for it. Just because Tony Bedard wrote the umpteenth issue of Cripple Chick Fights Nerd Called Calculator as if it was something you should take seriously, that doesn't mean you should write him off for all time, right? And besides, this guy looks like David Morse, and it smells like he's wearing Red by Giorgio Beverly Hills, and that's what dad used to wear before he stopped caring and started sleeping in his car, and hey, you haven't had a night like this in a while, you know? Because it's sort of familiar in that late 80's/early 90's kind of way, where you'd drive around listening to Rival Schools with the heat blasting and the windows down in the winter, back when cigarettes tasted good, back when you could sneak a quick blow job in and still tell everybody that you were straight, because it wasn't like any of them ever went to Phipps Plaza to buy cigarettes at the Tinder Box, they'd never meet Dave and know what happened during Spiritualized's Pure Phase tour, and shit, it's none of their business anyway.

Like, what we're saying: this isn't that bad. Shit man, it's actually pretty good in that way that you get made fun of if you admit it out loud: these are the comics that make you feel 16 again. Rock on, true believer.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Chris Jones]

I think that the reason comics like "REBELS" don't really work for me is because I WAS 16 for the first time ever not that long ago. So comics that make me think of my childhood are like...Maus.

The point being that there are a myriad of psychological reasons why I'm reading, and wish to someday write, superhero comics, and they probably have to do with my childhood, but it's too close for me to analyze.

...What were we talking about?

[Tucker Stone]

Yeah, it might help to have some background stuff for REBELS, but Andy Clarke's style is a turn-on for me, so maybe I'm just crazy. It's like that McNiven guy, except 90% less scowling.

[Chris Jones]

I like Andy Clarke too, I'm just too young to have any nostalgia for the 90's. It's like, "Oh yeah, that time where I wasn't ten years old yet".

I tried reading it and found it just kind of...not really anything in particular. I won't begrudge you your REBELS if you won't begrudge me my Alex Ross.

[seth hurley]

That Captain America cover is what someone would draw if they had to illustrate a Kris Kristofferson song after one listen.

[Tucker Stone]

When Nina was picking her comic for Virgin Read, she glanced at the Cap cover and said "I'm not reading about some girl in a Captain America wheelchair".

Oh Chris: no deal. I begrudge Alex Ross fans with all my heart. You'll just have to suck it up and be mad at me for liking Rebels.

[david brothers]

Man, this is weird. I just got done rewatching Long Kiss Goodnight, which features David Morse (along with Geena Davis, Samuel Jackson, and Stryker from X-Men 2), for the first time since I was twelve years old.

Protip: it sucks.

[Chris Jones]

Well...I...

:-(

[Sean Witzke]

Y'know I kind of think of Wolverine like Jughead comics - it's one story and you pick it up when you want to read that one story. And dude, Chris - liking Alex Ross isn't 90s nostalgia? Long Kiss Goodnight - Shane Black made the most money off that film, and it's the worst thing with his name on it. There's a lesson there. Also Bierko sucks.

[Chris Jones]

I don't think Alex Ross is specifically 90's enough to be considered 90's nostalgia, in the same way liking Judas Priest isn't really 70's nostalgia.

Can I quickly inquire what the beef is with Alex Ross? I'm just sort of curious.

[david brothers]

I can't speak for Tucker, but the usual complaints mention his stiff and over-posed figure work, the doughy and overly realistic characters, the staggeringly boring action scenes, and drab and boring covers. JSA has had something like 20 covers of geriatric heroes on a black background with soft lighting. He has this way of sapping all of the life out of these very vibrant heroes.

That's setting aside his Old Comics Fetish, in which Hal Jordan and Barry Allen are the One True Flash/Green Lantern. I mean, the guy was a member of HEAT, wasn't he? Or just as fervent?

[Sean Witzke]

Beyond everything that David just said - if you've ever seen Alex Ross' non-referenced sketches, you know that he's spent his entire career squandering a legitimate talent because he wants his shit to look "realistic".

He's just a massive DCU fanboy too, in the worst way possible. In the way that the guy in your shop who looks at you funny when you ask about manga, and tries to start a conversation about James Robinson.

[Kenny]

Chris, if it makes you feel better, I like Alex Ross's work. I agree that his unreferenced sketches show a lot of wasted talent, and I think he's kinda a jerk, but for the most part, I like his work. I've really enjoyed the Project Superheroes stuff a lot.

Speaking of which, if we're going to have a discussion on wasted talent, I have two words - Phil Hester. I was just flipping through comics at the shop last week and I saw he's writing and drawing the Masquerade mini that's part of the Project Superheroes thing. I'm kinda sad Hester work seems to fall through the cracks so much.

[Chris Jones]

No, I mean like, I don't really CARE that you guys don't like Alex Ross since, the dude's own personality aside, I couldn't disagree more on the points that people apparently make against him. I can respect why people don't like him, I just actually love his work SO MUCH.

That's probably another childhood thing, since Kingdom Come was one of the first comics I ever owned, but-

HEY! I guess it is kind of nostalgia thing! Whaddaya know!

[Jim Kingman]

The trick, the lesson, the goal is to have the comics that make you feel 16, and have the comics that make you feel the age you are now (for all the right reasons). Then you rule the world. And sorry, Tucker, dagnabbit, but I cursed through my entire twenties, mostly at everybody else, and I am SO done with that. But please interpret "dagnabbit" as any swear word you'd like.

[AERose]

I'd probably burn any comic that made me feel like I was 16. Being 16 fucking sucked.

[Tucker Stone]

Oh, AERose, if it was 18/19, i'd totally be with you. But 16--man, dreams came true, my dad shot the dog, i had a chevy blazer....god, it was pretty much carnival music 24/7.

Jim, you and I could have the most rock solid television show ever. Just raw uncut for 22 minutes, all commercials piled in at the end, each episode a fistfight and a hug. "You like Barry Allen? I GOTCHER BARRY ALLAN RIGHT HERE IN MY POCKET"

[Matthew J. Brady]

Alex Ross is the Norman Rockwell of superhero comics, if Rockwell used the same three poses in every painting.

Actually, I don't mind Ross too much, and occasionally I see an image that's pretty cool, but for every one of those, he's got ten pictures of some costumed dude or other standing there with his arms crossed and a smirk on their face. I've seen enough of that, thanks.

Oh, and that Justice series, which I didn't read, seemed pretty funny, as if Ross wanted to take Superfriends so, so seriously. There was one bit I saw in which all the heroes dressed up in action-figure robot costumes that was fucking hilarious.

[Rippke]

Kenny, Phil Hester isn't doing the interior artwork on Project: Superpowers. And do you think that his creator-owned work is a waste of his talent?

[Matthew J. Brady]

Oh yeah, I was going to say something in defense of Phil Hester. He's pretty great, although I think I like his writing better than his art. Artwise, he kind of looks like a lesser Mike Mignola, or a greater Michael Avon Oeming, which isn't bad, but nothing too special. But writing, from what I've read, is pretty great, at least on books like The Coffin and Deep Sleeper. A couple years ago at Wizard World Chicago, I told both him and Mike Huddleston (who illustrated both of those) that I thought they should do more work like that together, and they both said they wanted to, if they could get paid for it. So, it looks like they're stuck doing gigs for DC. Damn, isn't that what we were complaining about last week?

[Nathan]

well you should be happy to know that Clarke is off the book for the next few months, but he will be back.