Comics Of The Weak: Something Tells Me That Neil Gaiman Was Home-Schooled

Daredevil # 118
Written by Ed Brubaker
Art by Michael Lark, John Lucas, Stefano Gaudiano & Matt Hollingsworth
Published by Marvel Comics

If you add the first 380 issues of Daredevil to this current 188 issue run, comics readers are just a few months away from the 500th issue. That's nice and all, although it's not like all 498 comic books have been spot-on awesome every time, there was a good portion of time where the Kingpin ate out of a trash can and Daredevil dressed like a broken robot. But don't make the mistake of thinking that the 500th issue is going to include the greatest line in a Daredevil comic ever published--that honor has been officially given to this issue, where the drunk karate master hanging out with Matthew Murdock watches him swing away to do...something, it doesn't matter. (Stalk a fuck-buddy, if you care.) As Sensei Drinks Too Much watches Daredevil leave, he rubs his lips and says "There goes the whiniest super hero I ever met."

Not too shabby, Marvel Comics. Not too shabby at all!

Battle For The Cowl: Arkham Asylum # 1

Written by David Hine

Art by Jeremy Haun, Richard Horie & Tanya Horie

Published by DC Comics

DC continues their desire for the Batman family of books to read more and more like those old pre-made Role Playing Game supplement adventures created for the unimaginative or lonely, this time the module being a one-shot comic describing the completely unnecessary sub-subplot of what's going on in the world of Gotham City's D list supporting cast. As always ends up happening at some point in Batman epics, Arkham Asylum's doors have once again been blasted wide open, rendering the most insecure facility on DC's Earth once again a failed enterprise. Random crazies went a wandering, unfortunately only leaving writer David Hine and artist Jeremy Haun a couple of people to fill the pages with, characters that barely deserve the term "scrubs", so pointless and uninteresting they are. Like the hundreds of one-shot tangentially related Batman stories and elderly people crying on park bench mini-series of the 90's, this is yet another comic that registers only as physical object available for purchase, and it will only have that title for another three months at most. Hurry up and check it out--that's the first step towards forgetting about it entirely!

Battle For The Cowl: Azrael: Death's Dark Knight Book Two: Give And Take

Written by Fabian Nicieza

Art by Frazer Irving

Published by DC Comics

Alongside the rest of the Battle For The Cowl miscreant adventures, you've got this thing, a comic that rides around on the pony of Frazer Irving, an artist whose style is just so markedly different from everything else that's involved in this degenerate cross-over that it lends professionalism and sheen to what would probably be another "just as bad" check-in if it were illustrated by the routine offenders. It's Fabian Nicieza, so the story hits the marks and beats it's required to--crappy gig or no, Nicieza does know how to handle these things in such a way that expertly hides what one imagines must be a purely editorial creation. But it's the art that matters here anyway, and this second issue is even better a showcase than the first, giving Irving a chance to throw out some homage-light work to archaic pulp imagery, with scary men jumping off tall things and falling through thick, soupy shadows. Screaming is included, unfortunately, so is Nightwing. Stil, it's worth a glance for a couple of minutes at least. Hopefully there will be more moments worthy of a look from this guy, who makes an extraordinarily good point regarding the horrible medical treatment that the comic's main characters mother is receiving.

Detective Comics # 853

Written by Neil Gaiman

Art by Andy Kubert, Scott Williams & Alex Sinclair

Published by DC Comics

Try as one might, this was the only thing that came to mind regarding Neil Gaiman's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad comic about what he thinks of Batman, which is that Batman is a quack-quack little pussy from weenie cry-cry-ville.

"Goodnight giant penny."

Oh go fuck yourself right off, you silly little comic. Fuck yourself right up your cherub pink starfish.

Ghost Rider # 34

Written by Jason Aaron

Art by Tony Moore & Dave McCaig

Published by Marvel Comics

Enjoying the free reign that Marvel currently allows on their non-Dark Reign tie-in titles, Jason Aaron seems to be content to just chuck out whatever the fuck he feels like chucking out over at Ghost Rider, which turns out to be something, gasp, sort of different and interesting, a redneck thriller comic that appeals both to those who know how to mud-bog as well as the David "Fuck All Ya'll" Cross types as well. God knows if there's enough of those people in the regular comic book audience to keep something as weirdly attractive as Ghost Rider afloat, but while it is, it's certainly a hell of a lot more refreshing to dick around with than any of those totally serious Avengers comics. Never has a writer so thoroughly grasped a character this quickly: it's almost like the people involved want to be doing a comic about a pissed off asshole who rides a motorcycle and turns into a flaming skeleton. Who knew it could be that easy?

Oh, that's right. Every other fucking cultural industry in the world. Well, good on you for catching up to us grown-ups, Marvel!

Hellblazer # 254

Written by Peter Milligan

Art by Goran Sudzuka, Rodney Ramos & Jamie Grant

Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

The problem with post Delano/Ennis Hellblazer is that it's just never gross, that it just tries to go at play in the fields of scary or cool, and while it sure works sometimes, it never makes up for the loss of what made it so charming to read Delano's old melting faces/anus-eating-bugs or Ennis stringing-up-children-on-meathooks type of nasties. Hellblazer was the one American non-Zap comic you could count on to give you a fat sack of the disgusting, a wet, pus-filled bag of boiled tumors, and there's something to be said for that. While Milligan isn't necessarily screwing things up on his still-new run on the title, and he's already got a walkin' & talkin' aborted fetus in his recent history, he's yet to really bring something to put in a frame. Hopefully the current "bucket of plague" thing he's started here will bring the righteous. It's been too long since stomachs were churned and floors were ruined.

Justice League of America # 32

Written by Dwayne McDuffie

Art by Rags Morales, John Dell & Pete Pantazis

Published by DC Comics

Well, my wife can suck my cock better than I can, but that doesn't mean I'm still not going to criticize her methods if she starts gnawing on my shaft like it's a fucking turkey bone.

[No cover art available at press time]

The New Avengers # 52

Written by Brian Michael Bendis

Art by Billy Tan, Matt Banning, Justin Ponsor, Chris Bachalo, Tim Townsend & Antonio Fabela

Published by Marvel Comics

And so we continue the saga of pumping Dr. Strange into the same craptacular tube of ridiculous that is the current dialog style on New Avengers: "No. (That's funny.) It does much more than that." or "But--but that was all I had in me. (For now.)" What kind of dialog do you call this? Is it under the breath mumbling? How does one pronounce a parenthetical? Do they use a different vocal tone? Is it a head twist aside? On second thought, why the fuck are we all of a sudden supposed to care about Dr. Strange anyway? It's not like the New Avengers has done anything with Dr. Strange that explored the possibilities of Dr. Strange in the first place, hell, his primary appearances in the title up until now have been as some kind of human version of Lockjaw, in that Lockjaw exists so that he can transport people around and be a big dog, and Dr. Strange worked as the gatekeeper for hiding the Avengers in various abandoned buildings and he has a nice mustache. Sure, it's nice and all to have an A lister like Chris Bachalo show up and do the art, since Billy Tan is still struggling with the Bendis desire to center most of a super-hero team-up story around various circular tables like he's writing the world's most colorful celebrity poker game. But jesus, this is one of Marvel's best selling comics? This is fucking Jay Leno shit right here.

Viking # 1

Written by Ivan Brandon

Art by Nic Klein

Published by Image Comics

Without a doubt, probably the most confusing comic of the year. See, it's bigger than a regular comic, it's printed on better paper than a regular comic, it doesn't have any advertisements in it, and yet it's only $2.99. That doesn't make any sense, does it? Not much of a wide market for viking comics, there's at least one other, so one can acknowledge that being an as of yet unfucked up ground in which to go spelunking for story. Plenty of characters introduced, one of them a cheeky youth who gets what we all know cheeky youths really deserve, which is to be run through with a sword, and the only stumbling block so far happens to be a supposedly bad ass viking warlord apparently incapable of hearing a gigantic fucking bear get within kissing range of him and his daughter. Otherwise, it's a first issue, there's lots of people in it, it's catchy and cool to look at--let it roll from there.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Sean Witzke]

This issue of Ghost Rider is the only comic I've ever seen that blatantly references Friedkin's Sorcerer. On the first page. I can show you with graphs that this makes it the greatest comic Marvel has ever released.

[Sharif]

I like how Bachalo's Dr. Strange is modeled on Stan Lee. It adds another layer of cheese to the whole storyline.

I have to disagree with you about the Arkham Asylum one-shot. Yeah, it's another in a long line of b.s. coming out of the painfully contrived Battle for the Cowl nonsense, but at least David Hine told a good story (he's reliable that way). That it was about nobodies didn't really bother me. In fact, I appreciated the naked self-indulgence in it. Every once in a while, DC's willingness to publish just about anything can turn up a decent comic worth owning.

[Chris Jones]

Read that Detective issue while listening to "Teo Torriate" by Queen. It's a hoot.

[Andrew Hickey]

And people attacked *me* for being too 'insulting' to Gaiman! Someone on Twitter said "You really seem to have an axe to grind against Neil. Insulting review, really, damning with faint praise and all that."

I should point him this way...

[Tucker Stone]

I just caught up on your Gaiman twitter attacks--geez, what a bunch of babies. Hell, I think you went pretty easy on the dude. People like that are so boring.

[Andrew Hickey]

I probably did. Must say I was impressed by Gaiman's restraint in his response to me, though.

I didn't think the comic was *that* bad, though. It certainly wasn't a *good* comic, but it met all the minimal standards of craft that *should* be met by everything published but so rarely are.

[Jason Michelitch]

I like the parentheses (well, I did) (when I was reading the book). But then I like reading Mamet plays, and that's where Bendis lifted the device from to begin with.

The lightning round in Advanced Common Sense had me laughing very hard.

[Jason Michelitch]

Oh, and where did that Makin Fire gif come from? I like that.

[Nathan]

hey Tucker, I've seen you review and mention Pluto but I haven't seen you mention 20th Century Boys.

[Tucker Stone]

Hey, I went to Mamet's school, I dig the guy too. But Mamet's stuff has a cadence, a real rhythym to it. There's just no tempo to it here--Bendis made it work in Powers, but in New Avengers it just steamrolls all the characters. I'm not a big "you're doing it wrong" guy, but when there's this many characters, it comes across as everybody sounding the same. I can get Cage and Parker talking like that--but Strange?

I can't even remember where I found the gif, it was way old blog stuff, and I found it again saved on an old desktop. Had to bring it back.

Nathan-that's only because my 20th Century Boys review got lost due to technical crap and i didn't have time--or the patience--to re-do it. But I'm a fan of the series so far, and I thought the latest volume just fucking killed it. I'm sure I'll catch up with it here or at one of the other sites in the future. It's good comics.

[Kenny]

I always feel like Bendis saves his working on his craft game for Powers. Like, with the Avengers comics, he gives them his best, but he's not trying to perfect his craft with them. So, it always feels like new techniques he's figured out crop up there without any refining.

As for the Gaiman stuff, I gave your exchange some thought last night. I'm a *huge* Gaiman fanboy, but I can also see how some people feel he's all sizzle and no steak. Gaiman never bothers to really bring unique plots around. I've seen him lecture a few times and he more or less said he uses the Alice in Wonderland motif as much as possible. What he does, in my opinion, better than anyone in comics is the prose. The words themselves are always gorgeous and read phenomenally well. If someone doesn't have an appreciation for that, it's all good, different strokes and all that, but I always feel like that's where the genius is with Gaiman - *how* he says what he has to say.

I didn't read the Batman story because I don't care much about Batman. I'm sure I will eventually just to absorb the beautiful sentences, though.

[David Uzumeri]

I don't have anything to say right now other than that that JLA review is utterly sublime.

[Jim Kingman]

Tucker, I don't understand why you're not reading Jason Aaron's Scalped. I understand why I'm not reading Jason Aaron's Ghost Rider: there are too many bloody comic books out there and I can't afford them all, so obviously something must give. But I don't want to have to give up a comic for a comic. Any suggestions?

[Tucker Stone]

I'm reading Scalped, but the only time I think I ever talked about it was sometime last year at comiXology, and that was only in reference to a larger thing about violence. It's a good series, although it's one that I think would work better as a television show--the rhythm of it reminds me of that more than it does a comic. I don't mention it here because I read it in trade--I can't remember who turned me onto it, but it had been going for about ten issues when I first checked it out. Some internet critic mentioned it a bunch.

Not sure what to suggest. You must have bailed on something for Warlord though, so it can't be that foreign to you.

I do think the Rider series is probably best in single issues though--not because of the month-to-month thing, but man--it's a comic that needs to have some mud and tears in it. It's getting so grindhouse I'm tempted to rip out pages before I get started, just to have a "scene missing" moment.

[seth hurley]

do you hang on to all this stuff, box it and what not?

I keep hoping your place will show up on CBR's "Send Us Your Shelf Porn" things. Instead of mismatched bookcases, rows of toys, & stained carpet I picture a 50 gallon fire barrel filled with ash in a room of Nagel posters.

[Tucker Stone]

Let's put it like this: somebody gave me a framed black and white portrait of Michael Haneke, and I sit in the Lazy Boy chair that my grandfather died in.

I don't have any toys.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Damn, Aaron is somehow writing a redneck mud-bog thing into Ghost Rider? Crazy. I really should read that book sometime. Also: Viking. Also: Azrael, just to look at the art. I loves me some Frazier Irving.

By the way, I agree with Kenny about Gaiman's prose, but that's why I think I like him better as a *prose* writer. Outside of Sandman, he hasn't done much comics that I really like all that much. Maybe some of his earlier stuff with Dave McKean? Nah, I say he should just keep up with the novels and short stories; he's moved beyond comics. Or maybe they've moved beyond him? I dunno.

[Jason Michelitch]

"I'm not a big "you're doing it wrong" guy, but when there's this many characters, it comes across as everybody sounding the same. I can get Cage and Parker talking like that--but Strange?"

Yeah, I hear that. I thought you were talking about the parentheses in general, which I've seen Bendis use well in plenty of different books. I think I've read all of maybe half an issue of the stuff with Strange in it, so I don't have anything to say about that particular usage.