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Ultimatum exists entirely so 4thletter! can remix it. In that respect, it has more reason for being than virtually any comic from the Big Two.

So I'm reading Bill Everett Sub-Mariner comics from the 1950s, and there's one where aliens suck all of the water off of the earth, and Namor goes up into space on a waterspout to see what the fuck, and the aliens explain that they're planning to return almost all the water, except for what little they need to get by, and Namor thinks about it for maybe .05 seconds then says "No, fuck them, let them all die, keep all the water for yourselves," before it finally dawns on him that his entire fish family will also be killed, so he changes his mind, but he returns to Earth all kinds of pissed off that none of the asshole humans will thank him properly for getting the water back, which would have happened anyway without him, only sooner.

I really, really like that Namor.

That's Namor's appeal. He's an incredible asshole. Why that's appealing I have no idea but it works for me.

What makes Ultimatum especially annoying to me (aside from the fact that I buy it, like a retarded moth to flame) is that given the set up of you can do whatever you want here, kill whomever you want and set up a whole new status quo with these Marvel characters and instead of something really cool/interesting -- you know, things you CAN'T do with the "real" characters -- we get this: A comic that reads like a zine a few 13 year-olds stapled together because they really wanted to draw the Hulk and Wolverine and Tits.

And Jesus Christ- 17 inches? Wouldn't 12 inches have been sufficient? His speedos couldn't handle either to be honest. They are tiny and green, unless of course it retracts into his abdomen like an orca.


The Beavis laughs comment is appropriate, because Jeph Loeb managed to pull the word "bunghole" straight out of the 1990s for this issue, and somehow decided it'd be appropriate to have it spoken by a Samuel Jackson analogue character of pure, unfiltered cool. How fucking out of touch is someone - especially somebody who works in the entertainment industry - if they think the word "bunghole" is still in use by anybody other than stoned-ass twentysomethings rewatching old Cornholio episodes of Beavis and Butt-Head?

Ha ha, I forgot about the bunghole thing, but that makes it even better. I was just imagining Loeb sitting there and doing that heh heh heh laugh while writing that shit down. Dude, I'm working on subconscious levels or something here.

Wait, so it was just a plain old metal sword? I've been flipping through new issues of Ultimatum to see who eats who, and I saw a scene where Valkyrie cuts off Magneto's hand with a sword and as I was putting it back on the shelf, I thought, "Well, I bet it's a magic sword, or a special super-hard plastic sword, and the scene was just to show how smart and bad-ass the good guys were, to have tricked Magneto."

But it was just a metal sword? Oh man, I bet Magneto feels stupid.

I don't know, is it supposed to be magic? I really have no idea what the status of Valkyrie is in the Ultimate universe. Or the regular Marvel universe, for that matter. But after she cuts his hand off, he uses his powers to take it away from her, so it certainly seems pretty stupid of him to let that happen.

Whenever someone, anyone brings up the name Brendan McCarthy, I immediately think of those fantastic covers he did for Shade the Changing Man back in the early, early 1990s. And that awesome American Scream storyline by Milligan and Bachalo. And how Shade actually got better when it became a Vertigo title. But I digress. I bought Red Robin #1 at the comic book shop today, and forgot about Seaguy #3. Sad. Very sad.

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