Television Of The Weak: Fighting Strength, Double Dare Style

This Week We've Got The Mighty Boosh, Top Shelf Masters, True Blood, the Real Housewives of New Jersey, I Survived A Japanese Gameshow and something called Surveillance.

The Mighty Boosh - "Charlie" by Sean Witzke

"I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo." - Bob Fossil talking about pandas.

This week Howard and Vince journey into the realm of self-publishing! Also, two completely seperate people fuck a panda! This is a half-hour love letter to sexing up pandas. Like the Notebook only no Rachel McAdams. Just pandas.

Cut this week - the intro, where we meet the actor Simon McFarnaby, who's head is made out of oak (because he's so wooden); Vince articulating his love of Ponchos; the cut of the episode actually starts mid-sentence which is all kinds of fucked up; weird edits on the animated sequence; This conversation - Bainbridge to Hamilton: "When was it last? Krakatoa, '62! We stayed to watch the hanging!" Hamilton: "Yes, god she struggled didn't she? Like she didn't want to die!" Bainbridge: "Great wedding!" ; I think I heard some replacement dialog to remove a drug reference; the ending where Farnaby hires Vince and headbutts Howard.

So yes, this week's about writing, so douchebags like me identify with it. Howard is a struggling novelist who may or may not just be doing it to get a date with Ms. Gideon. He has writer's block and responds to any minor criticism with violence. Vince has been writing the stories of an ancient sentient wad of chewing gum, illustrating them ("It's in crayon, you berk!"), xeroxing them, and leaving them in supermarkets for people to find. He is intensely creative, he enjoys life at every minute. Howard spends every moment in agonizing self-doubt. Vince's work gets discovered by a publisher, destroying Howard's self-esteem. He goes into therapy, and is healed by a picture of cute kittens. Meanwhile, Vince fucks a panda. Vince gets Howard to meet his publisher, and Howard is successful, until he cold cocks Ms. Gideon in the face for criticizing him, and he is ejected. Then Vince is told that Dixon Bainbridge is going to get the author's credit on his books. So Vince summons Charlie, and he kills Bainbridge, Fossil, and Hamilton. Then Ms. Gideon fucks the same panda. Vince and Howard quit writing and dance around in pochos. Just like in real life.

This is pretty much what a real writing career is like, yeah? The self-recrimination, the poor reaction to criticism, the naive being screwed over by their bosses. Oooh pandas (unzips pants).

Top Chef Masters – "Season Premiere" by Zeb L. West

Top Chef’s Summer season kicked off this week with an all-new format. This time 'round the clueless young chefs have been kicked to the curb and replaced with master chefs pitted against one another in an all-out cooking grudgebrawl! While it’s great that they’re changing it up, it does raise a few questions about whether the Top Chef magic will be sustained with no everyman to root for.

The first most obvious question is: What are these master chefs doing here? Formerly, this show’s intention was to school upstart chefs by forcing them to work under pressure and be judged by masters. With the masters becoming students, one is left to wonder… what do these pros have to prove? Isn’t running a highly acclaimed string of restaurants enough? Or is there nothing left for the chef who’s won every award but to become a ‘celebrity chef’?

The lovely and indistinct new hostess, Kelly Choi, rattled off the new rules and kicked off the Quickfire challenge in which the masters had to cook dessert for a panel of finicky Girl Scouts. The 24 contestants this season, many of whom are former guest-judges, will not be forced to cram into the same house, but will instead have a series of elimination rounds where only one of four chefs moves on. While this makes sense for chefs who probably have to get back to their busy restaurants, it sadly takes away the drunken unpredictable craziness that inevitably follows from sticking chefs in a house together.

The lovable Hubert Keller (recognizable as a recurring guest judge) swept the Quickfire by charming the Girl Scouts with chocolate swans and whipped cream mice. The judges this season are the crème de la crème of food critics, who paint a fairly smarmy picture when you line them up all togetehr. The grand dame of their panel is Gael Greene, whose prominent dentures make me wonder if here taste buds aren’t affected by the flavor of Fixodent.

The elimination challenge presented the masters with a mere toaster oven, microwave and hot plate to cook on. But in a fun twist, they took the poor-man’s cooking theme a step further by making them use a dorm room as a kitchen. My early favorite, the cowboy cook Tim Love, sadly played himself out early by accidentally storing all of his food in the freezer. And it was once again Keller who wowed the judges with a pea soup and mac ‘n cheese. He had the best line of the night, mentioning that he has a microwave at home, but only for drying out the newspaper.

I look forward seeing how Top Chef Masters unfolds, but I can’t help but wish for more drama along the way. I want to see egos so large they don’t fit in the same room! Revered professionals committing career suicide by acting infantile on camera! Show me the dirty Bravo! Otherwise this will just be a season full of sportsmanlike back-patting which is just a way for some enfranchised chefs to sneakily advertise for their own restaurants.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey - "Season Finale" by Nina Stone

I'm so glad this is over. I've never felt such disdain for myself after watching a TV show. Sure, I've felt shame, guilt even remorse. But disdain?

What's obnoxious about this show is the heavy-handedness of the placement of "Drama." We are not watching a slice of real life with these ladies. If it weren't for this show, Danielle (the ex-stripper/convicted drug mule) would have nothing to do with these people. Or rather, these people would have nothing to do with her. I believe she's upset by their gossip and general dislike of her. But I don't believe that they really have any desire to know her, let alone be friends with her.

Which is why this season finale is such a bunch of crap. They've been showing Theresa flipping over a table in the "coming attractions" since episode 1. So little of interest actually happened throughout the season that they've been dangling the only carrot they've got since the beginning. And it's a puny, moldy, baby carrot at that. AND, And, and.....once were finally IN this long awaited episode, the editors know that they still might lose you..so they fill the commercial breaks with even more "still to come" yelling and name calling. Because they know that we all want to change the channel because they know there's nothing onscreen that we care about, except the hope of an actual fistfight.

But even talking about the fight at the dinner is silly because, why is there a fight at dinner? There's a fight at dinner because this is a contrived TV show that needed a finale. So, Theresa throws a party to celebrate....her new boobs? Her new house? Because we need an event for Danielle to throw some drama fit? There you go! And yes, for some reason, even though it's all family, she invites Danielle. Again, BECAUSE THEY'RE ON THE SAME TV SHOW, no other reason. No one likes her. This is real life, supposedly. Who does this shit? I mean, if you're going to invite friends, don't they have any other friends that they like more to invite? It just doesn't make any sense. And the producers don't even try to pretend that there's a reason. They know it's absurd.

Anyway, everybody gets uncomfortable when Danielle pulls out the book--the one that details her horrible past--and puts it on the table. Stupid bullshit fighting goes down -- and for all the shit they're fighting about, no one seems to get mad about what I'm mad about. Who in their right mind gets invited to someone else's dinner party - a person they are desperately wanting to be accepted by - and then makes it all about them? Just as the fires have died down, who throws a match into a bucket of gasoline? Why in God's name does she feel this is a sensible thing to do, and that everyone else's behavior is wrong?Why does no one call her to be responsible for her own goddamned life choices? Whether or not she did everything in this book doesn't matter. Her life, her problems, and if she hadn't brought it up, nobody else would have. She brought it up because, true or false, all she has going for her is that she used to be a deadbeat whore. That's it.

Bottom line, these people are not interesting to watch as an ongoing TV show. They're interesting at times. Pretty to look at. I'd like to hang out with most of them for a little while. But it's just stupid TV.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show: "Season Premiere" by Matthew J. Brady

Japanese game shows are hilarious stuff, built pretty much solely on public humiliation, coming up with ridiculous, silly reasons to clothe people in goofy costumes, splatter them with gross stuff, and just generally make them look stupid. It seems obvious to try to emulate that on an American reality show (which is kind of what ABC is doing with Wipeout), but rather than come up with a domestic equivalent, this series just ships its contestants off to Japan and lets them try their hand at some culture clash comedy. It's not a perfect fit; the standard reality show tropes are in effect, including dividing contestants into teams, someone getting eliminated each week, everybody living in a house together, a confessional booth, and a general feeling of shame when you watch it. Adding to the annoyingness is a general sense of xenophobia, as contestants constantly talk about how weird and strange Japan is, and the way the show is put together doesn't help, seemingly focusing on those oh-so-crazy Japanese, with elements like partial narration (mostly "game over!" and the like) by a heavily accented, high-pitched woman's voice. On the other hand, it is pretty fun to see how much the audience like laughing at Americans looking like fools.

This being the second season, some of the annoying factors are mitigated; the cast is apparently aware of the show and ready for what's about to happen. They still act especially annoying though, constantly smack-talking with each other and just being general jackasses, but that's par for the course on reality shows. The best stuff is all the competitions, and the setup of the game show (which, according to Wikipedia, isn't even a real Japanese game show, but was put together by Japanese producers) is pretty funny, with a charismatic host, a judge who acts super-serious and pulls some hilarious faces, and a bunch of guys in suits and sunglasses who hoist the losers on their shoulders and throw them out of the studio. The challenges start out kind of simple, with people dressing as bunnies and carrying bento boxes across a catwalk while the other team shoots balls at them. That's not all that crazy, so luckily the second one gets funnier: everybody dresses in body suits and spins around a rotating center on a smooth platform, with one guy releasing them so they slide to the sides and try to knock some cans into a pit of flour. Yeah, that's enjoyable. After that, the winning team gets to take a trip to Mt. Fuji (via helicopter!), and the losing team has to go act as janitors in the Tokyo subway, giving one bitchy contestant a chance to refuse to do any scrub-work, so as not to mess up her fingernails and makeup. That's another neat aspect of the show, at least for those of us who are interested in Japanese culture: each episode sees the people tour some sort of aspect of Japan, whether it's touristy sightseeing or some blue collar labor.

And then it's back to the studio for the final challenge, a one-on-one thing in which two members of the losing team have to dress up in bulky spider suits (including a top hat, for some reason), pop balloons, and assemble pieces of flies while being yanked around by a bungee cord attached to their backs. Fairly funny, but I've seen better. Luckily, the amiable Hispanic girl triumphs over the lazy diva, so we're spared her obnoxiousness in future episodes. Hopefully things will get goofier in future episodes, and hopefully the contestants will get used to the wackiness and stop going on and on about how crazy it all is. When it's at its best this show is enjoyable, silly stuff; if the people on it were more palatable, it would be even better.

True Blood - "Nothing But The Blood" by Nina Stone

I'm excited to have a show to watch over the summer. Feels like EVERYTHING is over or on break. And hats off to the marketing department for True Blood. I don't know how or when the idea came to me, but suddenly I was like, "Hey....there's some vampire show on HBO, I think. And...the first season's all On Demand right now because the second season is about to start. Maybe I'll catch up." Feels like I came to that decision on my own, but I'm pretty sure there was an intensive ad campaign, including making it all available for the week before the season premiere.

So, here I am, ready to report on Season 2, Episode 1. Except that I watched so many episodes in a row, that I can't seem to separate them all in my head, and I don't know exactly what happened in this episode. But I am impressed with Anna Paquin. She's consistent. She's committed. I fully believe her, emotionally. It's an intriguing little series. No, it's not the best thing I've ever seen. And I think I still like Buffy more because, well, it's a little lighter and sillier. But I do appreciate this exploration of all things related to "evil" and all things related to "good" and "god." I love, too, that it's set in New Orleans-ish, Louisiana....where all things are possible. Between vampires and voodoo, anything is possible, right?

I thought they were very clever with the first season's killer. A few times a couple of us had remarked how "bad" that actors accent was. Only to find out it was intentionally that way. Very clever stuff.

I'm looking forward to finding out more about the weird, sexy woman who has taken Tara under her wing. I want to find out what she is, or what kind of power she has that she not only vibrates, but always has an abundance of fruit.

But one cannot talk about this episode without talking about the last five minutes where True Blood re-earns it's M rating. Although artfully silhouetted, we see Anna in all her naked glory, including a full, well-coifed mane of hair on her zsa-zsa. The sex is pretty explicit, basically porn. And when all that is said and done, the episode ends with violence that involves spraying blood and sudden dismemberment. Awesome.

This is like, "hey! Why not?!" TV. It's certainly better than the NJ Housewives. So, hey, why not?!

Surveillance by Tucker Stone

The DVR may have fucked me out of my Apprentice UK dose this week, but it did provide the opportunity to check out this little ditty, a Jennifer Lynch flick--as in, yes, Jennifer Lynch, daughter of David, who hasn't shown up since she turned out that steaming piece of shit that was Boxing Helena. (Helena thinks people didn't like Boxing Helena because it was "mysognistic". No need for the long words, honey. It was a shit-awful movie for sub-mental perverts.) Surveillance will be showing up in theaters in a couple of weeks, but they're priming the pump with one of those On Demand things until then, and if you're the type who passes up Bill Pullman chances, brother, I don't want to know ya. The Pullman couldn't save Independence Day--shit, neither could the Goldblum--but there's not much else he can't do. He's not somebody who you could really argue as being a "good" actor in the standard definition--his performances are all about the individual scene, never about any sort of connective narrative thread--but he's just so unusual in his manner of speech, in the way he's always squinting off to the sides of people's heads...he's weird, and he's weird in a way that few other male leads are these days. On top of that, Pullman makes some bizarre choices--Lost Highway, Zero Effect are a couple of prizewinning goofs.

Surveillance is a pretty standard thriller pic, when you get around the narrative conceit. It's being pumped as some kind of Rashomon flick right now, which is pretty off base--sure, the main thrust of the plot is delivered by three speakers broken up into different interrogation rooms, all while Pullman supervises via closed circuit monitors--but there's no differentiation between the stories told. Each of the speakers--a cop, a little girl, and a junkie--just fill in the gaps where the others have left things out. When the climax reveals that one of the characters is lying, it's not so much something that changes the story or makes anything questionable, it just points to what we already knew before we started---you always bullshit when it's your ass on the line. The problem with Surveillance is that I'd guess a big part of the suspense is built around that climax, and if you know it's coming--and it's pretty obvious, actually--it isn't much of a surprise. It's still nice and violent, and Julia Ormond turns in a surprising performance that points to a skillset she clearly hasn't had the opportunity to use before, but it's just another grimy crime thriller with a twist ending. You're already know if you're hardwired for that. At the same time, I had no idea that French Stewart could actually be funny. Kind of odd that he saved it for a 2009 film few people will probably end up catching--you'd think he would have whipped that out back when he was working the sitcom circuit.

-Matthew J. Brady, Sean Witzke, Zeb L. West, Nina & Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Sandy]

I LOVE the Zero Effect. Especially the opening sequence introducing Pullman's character.

[Matthew J. Brady]

I don't remember much about Zero Effect; I should probably watch it again. Strangely, the bit that sticks in my mind is the part where Pullman was deep in thought and he takes off his jacket and whips it inside out in one motion. That was cool.

Also, wow, I didn't expect the Japanese Game Show write-up to go up today; I wrote it while watching the show last night. Tucker is quick on the button.

[Tucker Stone]

Zero Effect gets better every time I've seen it, although I think I hated it when it first came out.

[Tim O'Neil]

Boxing Helena is an underrated gem -

oh wait, no, it's bad. But I saw it recently and it's still marvelously goofy.

[Zebtron A. Rama]

True Blood is a hoot. I think the Desert Storm Vet/cook, "Terry," is my favorite character right now. that cat is riot.