Television Of The Weak: Make You Bow Down To The Row

This week, we figure out if we're missing anything by ignoring Burn Notice, check in with True Blood, The Apprentice UK & The Mighty Boosh, all while poking Gordon Ramsay's F-Word with a stick.

Burn Notice – “Friends and Family” by Martin Brown

Your intrepid TFO columnist took a swing at Burn Notice based strictly on the recommendation of The Onion’s A.V. Club. Jeffrey Donovan, star of The Blair Witch Project 2, plays Michael Weston, a former spy who is running his own former spy business of some sort. The “previously on” segment at the beginning of test-episode “Friends and Family,” the first episode of the third season, was incomprehensible. All we really needed to know was that Weston jumped into the ocean from a helicopter at the end, and that’s where this season begins. The plot of “Friends and Family,” in contrast to the undecipherable cross-episode arc, was immediately recognizable as the old Buddy Turns Up Out of Nowhere and Oops He’s a Bad Guy cliché. The whole thing was strung together with a voice-over by Donovan that sounded like he was pissed because the director told him to annunciate, so he snarkily dropped any kind of acting he might have done and replaced it with merely saying the words crisply.It’s difficult to tell how much of Burn Notice is intentional parody, and how much is unintentional badness. Points in favor of the former option, include the casting of Bruce Campbell—possibly the best symbol of self-conscious satire they could have found—playing a dude named Sam Axe, Weston’s right-hand man. Points against include the casting of Gabrielle Anwar as Michael’s foil, who sexy-poses her way through the episode, but ultimately is kinda freaky-looking. The action, however, hits the right spots. “Friends and Family” plays out a bit like a heist movie, as we observe the team meticulously planning out their course of action and then improvising when things go wrong. At one point, Michael is tied to a chair and has to cut his way out with a concealed knife. He slices through his own wrists in the process. It’s a moment that both recalls action-film clichés and subverts them, but there aren’t enough of those kinds of moments in “Friends and Family” to indicate that Burn Notice is smart enough to operate on both of those levels. Ultimately, it’s more of an homage to 80’s shows like MacGyver or Remington Steele.

Like fellow USA network dwellers Psych and Monk, Burn Notice is a low budget genre-imitation designed to compete with the major networks. Unlike Psych and Monk, which both echo Columbo and CSI in equal measure, Burn Notice is built as a pure action thriller. The virtue of cable networks’ original programming—the kind that FX set the benchmark for, and AMC is currently ruling—is that they can bring slightly sub-HBO caliber writing and conceptualization to a broader audience. In other words, it’s usually edgier than typical prime time. USA tends to go in the other direction. They may have pioneered cable networks’ original programming with the if-I-stay-up-til-12:45-I-might-just-maybe-catch-a-glimpse-of-a-side-boob classic Silk Stockings, but these days they opt for those diluted, family-friendly procedurals. Burn Notice has the kind of low-rent action and suspense that you’d find on a straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal movie, except without as charismatic a leading man. Wisely, USA has put all of its money into advertising.

The Mighty Boosh - "Electro" by Sean Witzke

Naboo hands Howard a trumpet: "Play this."
Howard: "Play it? Are you high?"
Naboo grins: "Yeah."Meet the Spirit of Jazz, previously seen in the third season episode Journey To The Center of the Punk. That episode is just a pale redux of "Electro". Howard loves Jazz and Vince loves Electro, and it's about the two genres clashing. Electro vs. Jazz makes a lot more sense than Punk vs. Jazz, at least in the context of the Boosh. Simply in the the dialog, the way Howard calls Electro simple little nursery rhymes and saying Vince is afraid of abstract melodies makes a lot more sense than the unexplained Punk vs. Jazz antagonism. The Spirit of Jazz is the funniest thing about this episode, Noel Fielding in Live and Let Die-style skeleton voodoo blackface who talks in a Christian Bale-style rasp and New Orleans accent. He's evil, threatening, and surprisingly human (even though his fourth-wall breaking death stare at the audience is one of the freakiest things I've ever seen on Adult Swim).

Cut this week - the intro, Vince playing the Human League (clearly for rights issues), Vince comparing himself to Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart, and explaining how both of them worked in pet shops, a long and actually quite sweet conversation between young Howard and a bartender played by Rich Fulcher, the Spirit of Jazz repeatedly calling Howard an asshole (or "ayssss-ole"), the girls telling Howard that he looks like a pedophile (which he does). Seems like a lot, but it's not much and really only cuts out some proper swearing. But I like proper swearing, it's fucking funny. It's cunting, felching, multiple-cock-chokingly funny. I miss it.

The basic plot of the episode is - Vince gets into a band with two weird and angry electro girls, pisses off their keyboardist, gets Howard the musical genius to replace him. The catch is that he sold his soul to the Spirit of Jazz and completely loses it whenever he touches an instrument. It's just phrased that the Spirit of Jazz is "gonna creep inside you like a warm kitten".

You may or may not think rape is funny - but the Boosh think rape IS REALLY FUNNY. So I guess that's the key to whether or not you think the Boosh is funny, because antagonist x threatening either Vince or Howard is an element of comedy at least 3/5 of the entire series. Not in a half-assed gay panic frat comedy way either. When they're not being threatened with rape (or being raped) the show tends to go in really odd directions of a sexual nature. The way that it never comes off as coarse or bawdy is the shows real strength. If last week's panda fuckfest taught us anything, it's that The Mighty Boosh is a kinky show.

The Spirit of Jazz spends the entire episode threatening to "come inside Howard" and eventually does by way of his ass. This is all done in a non-sexual way, despite all the undertones that are being tracked through. Theres something really funny about the metaphor for completely losing it to one's jazz muse being played out as rape (it's also really funny to write this much about rape without worrying someone on When Fangirls Attack is going to lose it on me in an inarticulate manner. HA!). The simple, stupid werewolf/monster "beast inside me" warhorse has been beaten so many times that this seems brazen in it's decision to go the complete opposite way. The way that the terrible thing happens and it's of absolutely no consequence just makes it funnier. The best thing about the Boosh is that even when the worst thing happens, there's still time to stand around and talk about how screwy it was.

True Blood - "Keep This Party Going" by Nina Stone

The way that the various plots, subplots and story lines interweave throughout this episode is artwork. Seriously. Truly a tapestry of weirdness. Just when I can't get my mind around Tara, the weird vibrating woman, Sam, et al, I'm bounced into Jason's new shiny world of Jesus Christ, who I understand is very important to those of you who are not from my Chosen flock.  It's a pretty hilarious parody of the more out-there parts of evangelical Christianity, the Christian Music scene, and it's played as if it's trying to shine a light on the underbelly of raw sexual energy that is found among, well, cults.And just when that gets too be entirely too much for the mind, we're either back with the vampire thing and Lafayette. OH! Lafayette! What a way to go. Or did he go? Will Lafayette be a vampire when next we see him? I kind of hope so. He said it himself - he'd make a great vampire. He's already all deviant and over-sexed. So, why not? (Please please please please please please please!)

And of course, when the blood and gore and harshness of all that undead/suck blood takes its toll, we've got Sookie to look forward to. Sookie and Bill. Sookie and Bill and Jessica? Now that's a new twist. Adolescent newbie vampire Jessica, playing Sookie like a Violin and making Sookie take her to her former home to see her folks. Just to see them from a distance. I mean the doorstep! I mean inside the house! And in the midst of that experience....as Jessica's father arrives home to the return of his long missing daughter - he's barely happy to see her, but very happy to punish her for being gone -- we watch Jessica's teenage human fantasies become a reality as she gets ready to drain the life blood out of her father, fangs at the ready. And then, oh yeah, Bill shows up. (He's her "Master". He made her. It was his punishment that was doled out instead of him having to go to Vampire Hell/Jail for 5 years.) He has to convince the little sister to invite him inside because Jessica won't--which kind of defeats the whole "Master" thing--and once he's in he stops the nonsense and yells at Sookie. She kind of deserved it though. She fucked up. And as her words to him, "Bill, please don't kill all of them!" trail off whle he pushes her out the door and closes the door in her face, you realize that is exactly what he's going to have to do. And although Sookie will want to blame Bill for this, she can only blame herself. Oh, relationships. Will the two of them ever truly accept each other for who they are?

I don't think I forgot anything. I mean, I forgot to explain it if you don't watch it, but that's not really my thing this week, I guess. It was a tasty episode. Just the right amount of stuff happening, yet leaving me hungry for more. And thinking about poor Lafayette in my free time. (Please, let him be a vampire. Please!)

Gordon Ramsay's F-Word - "Season 4: Episode 1" by Tucker Stone

In case reading between the lines of Martin Brown's sarcastic jibes proved too exhausting, here's the backstage gossip: I'm the guy who watches everything Gordon Ramsay does, even if that's him doing the same thing he's done a thousand times before, but worse. Keeping up with The F-Word isn't a chore. It's a fucking pleasure.

Thankfully, the F-Word might just be the best distillation of the Ramsay personality. More food-magazine than food-competition, the F-Word breaks down into a simple format: a three part competition for a team of four amateur chefs, run in a more ribald version of the Hell's Kitchen format, a "reality" show portion dealing with Gordon and the full Ramsay family raising some type of animal in his backyard (which they will eventually slaughter in the season finale), and a hilariously edited "recipe" portion where Gordon supposedly teaches you how to cook something by announcing the ingredients in a booming voice-over, jump-cutting to close-up food porn shots, and then saying "Done" like he's just decided whether Maximus can kill the losing gladiator. It's a show that worships Gordon Ramsay, for people who worship Gordon Ramsay. Which makes it awesome, especially if you strenuously avoid finding out anything about who the real Gordon Ramsay is.

The 4th season premiere wasn't without disappointment--Ramsay's blindfold force-feeding of feet, eyeballs and various other gross-out cuisines was a bit too Fear Factor, especially when Ramsay and his celebrity chef victim kept deteriorating into barely-heard private jokes, and the less said about the loudmouth co-star who will handle the whole "raise an animal so we can kill it in the finale" in Ramsay's place, the better--but it was pretty great watching Ramsay try to ridicule Geri "Former Spice Girl Turned Yoga Freak" Halliwell when he was clearly crushing on her at the same time. The amateur cook competition, always the least interesting part of the show, was dealt with quickly enough, and the next episode--where a goofy newscaster and his goofy family will appear--looks like it has potential. Either way, you're either into watching this dude scream "donkey" or you're not. I've got no qualms.

The Apprentice UK: "Week Eight Directors Cut" & "Week Nine"

After last weeks' DVR mishap, I caught up with Apprentice UK on the Director's Cut tip. While it's abnormally pleasurable to hear a scruffy billionaire say the line "I don't like asslickers" to a room full of strangers, the Director's Cut of the Apprentice UK basically means "lots of helicopter shots of London while a swiped version of the American Beauty soundtrack plays." Week Eight saw the two teams--First Forte and Impact--go to war in a farmer's market, and they were given what sounded like the longest prep time for a challenge yet, with three full days of preparation. They had to use that time preparing an actual product to sell, using ingredients they purchased from local farmers. Because Impact is made up of nice, ambitious people, they cooked their own soup and didn't scrimp on the ingredients. Because First Forte is made up of two pushovers and the increasingly awful Saira, they cheaped out on ingredients and strongarmed some woman they barely know to make them a bunch of jams for free, telling her that she would get "exposure." That's sort of true--I now know that there's a woman in Britain who I can easily manipulate into doing free work. I don't know her name or where she works, but hey: I'm aware that such a person exists.

First Forte won. Unsurprisingly, First Forte kicked the shit out of Impact when they won, thus validating Saira's belief that her behavior--which roughly breaks down to screeching and telling people to be quiet so she can screech more--will translate into a high-paying job in the financial sector. 

Which may be true, but makes her no less annoying. Ben, a guy who honestly always seemed like he was too high class to even take the job this show is offering, got a cab ride home.

The ninth episode could roughly be called "more of the same"; technically, it could even be called "the exact same thing, louder, in a different location." This time, Saira took the manager duties in a competition to see who could get the most football fans roped into a poorly explained mobile phone based subscription service. Luckily, all they had to do was convince people to text a phone number. It started off well, with Saira immediately infuriating the football team's advertising manager to such a degree that he refused to assist either team in any fashion, only for the voice-over to point out that Saira's loss was actually Saira's gain, as her team had barely designed a gimmick at the time, while the other team was already wholly dependent on the permissions of the advertising manager. After he rescinded all promises, Saira's team ended up with a bunch of professional posters, a team of sluts to pass them out, and the other guys had to resort to printing out giant letters and hoping for the best.

But when the day of recognition came, Saira hit some kind of emotional collapse, wandering around the stadium with a megaphone, rarely explaining what it was she wanted people to do, while the other team--Paul, Tim and Miriam--took the time to convince people to text the necessary phone number while in their presence. In the boardroom, it was revealed that this hands-on approach worked extraordinarily well, with Tim, Paul & Miriam defeating Saira's squadron of complaint easily. Unfortunately, Sir Alan Sugar, realizing what a find he had in Saira--in terms of sheer television ridiculousness--used the opportunity to take Raj off the table. While Raj was a nuisance and a dumb contestant to boot, his biggest crime was also the one he addressed openly: "I don't have much of a personality, and I know that."

No, you don't. Next time? Try screaming.

-Sean Witzke, Nina Stone, Tucker Stone & Martin Brown, 2009

Comments

[Marty]

During the episodes of Kitchen Nightmares on the Fox website, they sometimes show ads for the Hell's Kitchen video game, and all it is is pixelated Gordan Ramsay looking into the camera and screaming "You're a donkey!"

[Tucker Stone]

Yeah, they used to run commercials during Hell's Kitchen where he'd say "try HARDER", a statement which found its way into my bedroom.

[Bill Reed]

Really? No love for Burn Notice? I admit it isn't the greatest show in the world, but I enjoy the uber-competent protagonist and how he deals with various plots, many of which are genre stock.

I came for Bruce Campbell, but I stated for the fun synthesis of all those 80s shows we fondly remember: the PI stylings of Magnum or the Equalizer, the dynamics of the A-Team, the doodaddery of MacGyver, and the locale of Miami Vice.