Comics Of The Weak: Sky? Rockets In Flight.

Captain America: Reborn # 1

Written by Ed Brubaker

Art by Bryan Hitch, Butch Guice & Frank D'Ar...wait a second, Paul Mounts?

Published by Marvel Comics

Grant Morrison and Neil Gaiman better make room at the table! It's time for yet another story where a super-hero sits around hallucinating/time-jumping/being drugged/dying so that we can read them relive tiny snippets of their past adventures, while said main character goes "geez, what's going on, this is my third birthday" and "oh man, this is that time I accidently called Sharon 'mom' while she was going down on the capschlong" and "man alive, i've been sitting here for twenty minutes, i gotta start eating prunes or something, i feel like my dad". For fiscal reasons determined by Marvel Comics, this story is being told in a mini-series instead of the regular series, and they're replacing the regular art team with a guy whose style is only similar to the last 50 issues of Captain America if you didn't read them, although Butch Guice is hanging around a bit. Anyway, you've read this before. Why don't you read it again?

The Boys # 32

Written by Garth Ennis

Art by Carlos Ezquerra & Tony Avina

Published by Dynamite Entertainment

If you were wondering why Carlos Ezquerra had taken over for Darick Robertson on this current Boys arc--like, the real reason--The Boys # 32 brings out the evidence for all to see, specifically on the page where the Mother's Milk character (who is black) responds to the Nazi Superman's "wog" slur by crushing said Superman's testicles and penis with his hand. See, Darick can do penile carnage drawings, but his skill set is more dedicated towards doing gross out work with the ass/anus region (see the Marvel MAX series "Fury" as exhibit A), whereas Ezquerra holds the testicle wreckage king ranking due to his work in Vertigo's Adventures In The Rifle Brigade. You're welcome.

Agents of Atlas #7

Written by Jeff Parker

Art by Gabriel Hardman, Jana Schirmer, Carlos Pagulayan, Jason Paz & Elizabeth Dismang

Published by Marvel Comics

Last time anybody checked, Namor responded to the mildest of insults by whipping out his massive, Atlantean cock and screaming "look at all the little tattoos, each one of those is for a family I slaughtered with my teeth for daring to question my desire not to have lettuce on a cheeseburger." That makes it somewhat confusing why, in this comic, he responds to someone betraying him, betraying Atlantis, and by-all-accounts ruining his "consummation" ceremony by speaking in a mannered tone and behaving, well, rationally. Maybe that whole Skrulls in the place of people thing isn't over yet? No man escapes the Manhunters. Wait, no, that's not right. Oh look, a talking dragon. This comic has a talking dragon in it!

Batman Confidential # 31

Written by Peter Milligan

Art by Andy Clarke & David Baron

Published by DC Comics

Other than the actively horrible "Resurrection of Ra's Al Ghul" story arc, a storyline that operated on a sociological level of cruelty so trenchant it's deserving of indictment for criminal failure, Peter Milligan actually hasn't messed with the Batman character in years. And while Batman Confidential is the sort of comic most purchased by people who don't care what or who it's about, as long as it features Batman doing absolutely anything, that doesn't make this--the best Batman story this awful series has had--any less of a success. Sneering in the face of the rachet-up-the-depravity game, a device that has no logical end other than the eventual story featuring an alcoholic Batman tramping through a wading pool of intestines in hopes of saving a four year old lolicon (who has been dismembered), Milligan uses the oldest saw in the book--Batman beating the shit out of gangsters in a dark room--and proves that the old songs can be made new again.

Greek Street # 1

Written by Peter Milligan

Art by Davide Gianfelice & Patricia Mulvihill

Published by Vertigo/DC Comics

What's that thing they teach in English classes? That there's only four stories, or seven, or something, probably a prime number, and that all the stories we have are just variations on those forms? If your pants just got wet, you're the kind of person that Greek Street is for. It's another Vertigo series designed for an audience that wants to applaud itself for being interested in "graphic novels", while being uninterested in super-hero trash, and unaware, or incapable of purchasing, something that might actually demand the critical thinking they earned a degree in. It's intellectual button pushing, spot the allegory gamesmanship, and its status as comic is a mere byproduct of chance. Worst of all, it's written by someone who not only has done better, but has done better with such flair and panache that Greek Street reads as if it was created to please the worst segment of the comic book reading audience--the ones who are experimenting with it merely out of some kind of trending cultural flashpoint. Even the CGC Grading Scale shitbags are better company.

At the same time, it costs a buck, so who fucking cares.

USA Comics # 1

Written by John Arcudi

Art by Steve Ellis

Published by Marvel Comics

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to write a comic book that uses the Holocast as dramatic-shortcut in a more tasteless fashion than that Magneto: Whaa Happened? series from last year. The last few pages of this, where those chucklebox Jews are artistically interpreted to be George Romero extras, comes close. But the rest of the comic is just too childish for its choke-on-the-importance conclusion to take the title away. (Scared of dying? You must be a fucking coward. Only cowards are scared of dying.) Instead, USA Comics # 1 (there will never be a number 2) is just more evidence that unless the Red Skull is involved, Marvel Comics are incapable of telling a story about World War II without using emaciated Holocaust victims as trump card. The scripts just write themselves! Based on the examples given here, the art isn't far behind.

Chew # 2

Written by John Layman

Art by Rob Guillory

Published by Image Comics

Yes, they still have that stupid little box on the cover. There's not really too much else to say about that little box that wasn't covered last time, so let's just point at that if you don't remember, and get into the business of Chew itself.

...

Okay, you know those catchy songs that you hear on the radio, when you listen to the radio, if you still listen to the radio (does anybody listen to the radio?) and you say "this isn't too bad, and maybe I should listen to the radio more often, at least that way I'd know what's popular with people who don't read the music websites I read", but then you get home, and you listen to the radio some and remember why the radio fucking sucks, and you go "what was that song that made me think I should do this radio thing again", but you can't remember what it was, you just remember that it wasn't terrible, and was kind of good?

That's what Chew is like. It's not terrible. It's kind of good. It just doesn't leave much of a mark.

Exiles # 4

Written by Jeff Parker

Art by Casey Jones, Karl Kesel & Anthony Washington

Published by Marvel Comics

While it reads like a comic book, Exiles looks a whole lot more like a coloring book filled in by a particular fastidious teenager. Like a lot of Marvel comics, it's not lacking in technical aptitude, you aren't going to blast it for amateurishness, but there's an overall feeling to it that its loftiest goals are to be An Efficient And Direct Super-Hero Comic Book. That's not an evil thing to do. But it is boring. Of course, maybe that's just because the general plot of Exiles is a pretty boring concept, a bunch of What If scenarios where the Watcher bookend pieces are stretched to half the books length, and continuity gets tacked in. If online fan fiction didn't exist, maybe it would even seem novel. But at the point comics are at now--where anyone that ever fantasized about this story has already written 10,000 words on LiveJournal about a Marvel Universe where Ultron, Cerebro, the Vision & Machine Man have taken over, a la Skynet--this entire franchise seems a tad superfluous.

Sir Edward Grey: Witchfinder # 1

Written by Mike Mignola

Art by Ben Stenbeck & Dave Stewart

Published by Dark Horse Comics

The name of this comic doesn't really stick in the brain, which is why they have this joke in it.

Get it the guys say "sir" and the lady says "edward grey" and the other guy says WITCHFINDER!

Hahahahahhahha what the fuck happened to the comics that i loved this shit is terrible

Secret Six # 11

Written by Gail Simone

Art by Nicola Scott & Doug Hazlewood

Published by DC Comics

Although the cover is certainly a hideous beast to look at, with the "Artemis" character depicted as if her fleshy skin is tunneling its way to decay, as pasty as any television autopsy, the real ugliness is inside. The problem with "root for the bad guy" stories is that they usually lace everything in this toxic selfishness, as if a horrible past or some abusive parents excuses wholesale slaughter, shrugging out a "cycle of violence" excuse while wallowing in a teenage idea of "intensity". Secret Six rides the line at times, and it doesn't totally work, considering it's actually better at being funny than it is at being HardCore. But here, where a team of super-villains turned mercenary violencemen finds themselves at odds with one another over the prospect of working for slavers, it's done intelligently enough. One of the worst (yet most popular) myths of the land o' crime is that killers have "rules" they won't break. That's nice if you're watching Heat and want to fantasize about taking Val Kilmer's place. Otherwise, it's just tired and lame. Simone's decision--to have the most likeable characters in the comic sneer in the face of their criminal partners who have, for no real reason, decided to develop morals--is a relatively gutsy one. But it's doubtful she'll play this one until the end. Expect some "i was only kidding" moments to come.

Destroyer # 4

Written by Robert Kirkman

Art by Cory Walker & Val Staples

Published by Marvel MAX

The last issue of Destroyer read like this kill kill kill kill kill KILL KILL KILL KILL KIILLLLLLLLL KILL THE FUCKER KILL KILL DRINK IN THE BLOOD KILLEYMALL TUESDAY SPECIAL, I WILL HAVE BACON IN MY HASHBROWNS DONT COOK IT RAW BACON RAW BACON

Now, this issue reads like this: sit talk talk talk jump run kill run yell talk talk GROSS gross LOVE talk talk break-up talk talk.

Which...maybe it'll work better in a trade. But yeah, that's kind of selfish. Like--talking? Who gives a shit about talking anymore? After #1-3, all those "talking" fans have fucked off back to whatever basement they escaped from. Church basement.

Look, what are you after here anyway?

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[TimCallahan]

Cry for Justice doesn't get five stars in a vacuum, you know.

I hope the next issue of Greek Street features A. Killies pedalling his rickshaw around the block with, um, Hector tied to the back like Angel in the Wild Bunch.

Then, wait, issues #3-25 can be a retelling of Oedipus at Colonus. Eddie: "I don't want to be buried here, dogg" Theo: "Yo, we want your ass on our turf, cause we be bangin' yo." Creo: "Word, home snake, but my boy needs to be all up in my crib, chillin' and dyin' like."

Shit, I cannot wait for that.

[Stefan]

I think "capschlong" is my new favourite word.

[Marty]

Could have been meaner.

[Sean Witzke]

Way meaner.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Stray comments: I still can't figure out Captain America's glowing crotch.

Didn't Peter Milligan write Robin for a while? I shouldn't care.

Now I need to read Greek Street, and feel smart. Then I'll read this again and cry because Tucker was mean to me.

That bit in Destroyer with the eyeball was funny. I assume that's the source of "GROSS".

By the way, that Cry for Justice-fest over at Savage Critics is hilarious. I don't know if it was just chance that made everyone want to weigh in, but it cracked me up. I'm waiting for Jog to show up and do a one line review saying "this made me cry, so there's no justice" or something stupid like that.

Oh, and Destroyer? The old one? The main thing was okay, even though the Holocaust punchline was stupid (but we did learn the secret origin of his stripey pants!). The backup reprint was where it's at though. That thing was awesome, the kind of hilarious, non-stop action that you hear about Golden Age comics being but instead get stuck with stupidity like Captain America playing baseball. Destroyer fights a dragon on the title page, but it turns out to be metaphorical! It's actually a German mad scientist named Doktor Dragon. He's got a scheme to invade England by digging a tunnel! That's dumb! But Destroyer shows up and derails their trains! Then a guy attacks him, giving him the chance to say "I hear something behind...what th-!" Then he steal a Nazi truck and punches some guys by hanging his arm out the window! Then he goes home and shaves, only to have some soldiers come by the house, so he says "Oooh! Visitors! How I like Nazi officers! Come in!...Oops! Pardon my fist!" Another dude comes in with a whip, but he tears off his clothes between panels to reveal that he's the Destroyer and gives him the old sock to the jaw. Then he goes to a plane factory, and "contrary to the laws of gravity, the figure of [a] guard suddenly seems to fly upward!" That doesn't really make sense, but what the hell, he steals a plane and flies to England, blowing up the airport as he leaves, just for kicks. But it's a Nazi plane, so the British take him prisoner, planning to trade him for some chick named Florence Von Banger (I hardly know her!). That's Destroyer's fiancee, so he escapes from prison via a convenient dangling rope, then swims to Germany. He heads to a concentration camp where Doktor Dragon is torturing Florence, rescuing her and "disposing" of the Doktor between panels, then Florence leaps a barb wire fence while he punches out a bunch of dudes. Then he tells her to hide, which she does for the rest of the story, never to be seen again, while he goes to blow up the tunnel! But he didn't dispose of Doktor Dragon very well, because the bastard sneaks up behind him and clocks him on the head with his cane. That's apparently Destroyer's secret weakness; he took away all the soldiers' guns, but a monocled guy can take him out with a cane. Ah, but the stupid Doktor takes him to the tunnel control room and ties him up, but "What luck! My bonds are loose!" Stupid Doktor. He get's Destroyer's "special treatment" of a BOP to the face while being mocked by shouting "Still feel safe?" I don't know why he would ask that; is it prescient commentary about people sacrificing freedoms for supposed greater security? Whatever the case, Dragon wired the tunnel with dynamite for some reason, so Destroyer blows the fuck out of it in a two-page spread of Nazi soldiers flying all over the place and drowning. Ha ha, large-scale death is awesome. All the asshole Nazis die in the flooded tunnel, but Doktor Dragon is still around to point a gun at the back of Destroyer's head! You know that won't work though; only canes can take him out. So Destroyer takes out the Doktor and two more Nazi goons with one punch, then drags Dragon back to England while calling him "Sweetheart", and he apparently doesn't have any problems this time, even though he's taking another Nazi plane, because it's the last page! Yeah! Awesome!

Hell yeah, 12 pages of pure, silly mayhem. That's what comics should be all about.

[Matthew J. Brady]

Oh yeah, I meant to lead off my comment with "Afternoon de-liii-hite!"

[seth hurley]

Sorry to pull a train on you Tucker, but this could have been sitting on the floor of the shower, knees to chin, Lifetime movie-meaner.

Now it's like OZ, and you just got the gums transplant.

[Tucker Stone]

I love you for reviewing the back-up feature.

I was hoping to get a "i'm an offended Jewish woman" comment out of Nina when I showed her the last page, but it took too fucking long to convince her that what she was looking at was supposed to be a drawing of Holocaust victims. (First she said "Mutants? They're mutants, right?") And then her only comment was "why are they all wearing those silly pants?"

[Jim Kingman]

For those of us weaned on superhero comics in the 1970s, Justice League: Cry for Justice #1 is the best thing to hit the spinner racks, er, comic book shops since any Gerry Conway-edited DC comic published in 1975 and 1976. Nostalgia nothing, this is now, baby!

[Zebtron A. Rama]

Agents of Atlas-Namor is a handsome gentleman.

[Oliver]

You know, I don't think you're taking comics seriously anymore...

[Tucker Stone]

Seriously Jim? One of the few comics I actually have a long-standing memory of is JLA, and I gotta say, there's been a lot brighter spots between now and the time you're referring to.

[Chris Jones]

Grant Morrison(changed the genre)and Howard Porter(sometimes didn't get in the way)!

[Jim Kingman]

I was being sarcastic.

[Jim Kingman]

Actually, let me clarify my sarcasm a bit. I was weaned on superhero comics from the 1970s. Justice League: Cry for Justice, whether intentionally or not, reminds me of the comics from that era, notably the Gerry Conway edited books and his work on JLA. I'm a conditioned pre-Alan Moore kind of comics guy who still lives quite comfortably in the post-Moore modern world of comics, and simply does not have a problem with Cry for Justice. Sure, it's flawed, but so was Secret Society of Super-Villains. Yet I still get a big kick out of rereading those comics today. In-between The Walking Dead, Scalped and The Unwritten, of course. And by the way, are you going to the San Diego Comic Con this year?

[david brothers]

I banned Tucker from California. If he ever shows up, we're duelin' at dawn.

[Jim Kingman]

Can he go to the Comic Con first?

[Tucker Stone]

Sorry J, even if it wasn't for the Brothers Ban, not this year. I try only to do long flights when there's a high likelihood that I'll need to stamp my passport at the other end. More out of self-preservation than snobbery--Nina has already figured out that comic cons aren't very fun vacations.

[NoahB]

See, you need to take her to yaoi-con.

[david brothers]

Y-con is local to me and reportedly hilarious. Apparently it is girls dressed like boys kissing girls dressed like boys while boys dressed like girls look on in confusion.

I approve.

[Jim Kingman]

Tucker! I cannot WAIT to read what you think of Wednesday Comics!