Television Of The Weak: Neil Burnside Will Peel Your Face Off Before Peeling Off What's Underneath Your Face

 

This week we've got I Survived a Japanese Game Show, Mental, Sandbaggers, Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job & The Apprentice UK.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show - "Episode Three" by Matthew J. Brady

The difficulties of covering a show like this become apparent this week, as each episode appears to be pretty much the same. The teams compete, the losers have to send two members off to an elimination game, there's a reward and a punishment, yada yada yada. Any "review" will consist of describing the silly games and maybe noting some of the interpersonal rivalries, which might be worth a mention but are usually the low point of the show anyway. Is that necessary? Probably not, but if I keep doing it, maybe it will repair the cultural divide between East and West. Here goes:

The first game this week was a sort of human Whack-A-Mole, with team members poking their heads out of holes and spitting ping pong balls into bins while somebody from the other team whacked their heads with a soft mallet. Somewhat entertaining, although the producers might be running out of humiliating ideas, since they didn't bother costuming the contestants in silly gopher outfits or something. The big team intrigue consisted of the Green Tigers, who were so far undefeated, sending one of their members to the Red Robots. They choose the "soccer mom" (as she describes herself), who at the ancient age of 36 must be dragging them down. This backfires though, as she is by far the best ping pong ball spitter, winning the robots an advantage for the second game. And that's where things get sillier. In what is either a strange bit of translation or just some nonsensicality, the game sees the teams dress in mouse costumes and try to catch cartons of milk dropped from a conveyor belt, then carry them across a slick surface and dump them in a bucket. They also wear boxing gloves and goggles that black out their vision except for a small hole in one eye, and one member shouts instructions while hanging above and wearing a cheese costume (over their mouse costume). Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. It's pretty funny though, since they keep spilling milk all over the place and slipping and falling down. Ah, physical comedy, the true international language.

So, the Red Robots win again, giving them a chance to celebrate for once. For their reward, they go to "the most famous restaurant in Japan", which turns out to be the one where monkeys serve the food. Cute? Or non-humane? Whatever. The losers get to spend a day building a zen garden, and it's somewhat enjoyable to watch them sweat (not so much to hear them whine about it, but that's the unfortunate part of any loss on this show), although I would have like to see more painstakingly precise instructions from the designer.

Then we get to the elimination, and the Tigers seem to be going for the stupid strategy of voting off their strongest players so they will have easier opponents to face down the line. Rather than get rid of a useless fatso like the amazingly annoyingly-named Bobaloo, the dreadlocked Hawaiian salsa instructor and cute blond girl who has also done pretty well in all the games so far have to compete at popping egg-shaped balloons by jumping on them belly-first. They're also dressed in penguin costumes, which is the second game this season already to feature penguins; did I mention that the producers might be running out of humiliations? Anyway, the athletic dude wins, of course, and on we go to the next week. I predict messiness, stupidity (both purposeful and otherwise), confessional bitching, and me getting tired of watching this show.

Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! - "Jim & Derrick" by Nina Stone

Have you seen this one? HILARIOUS. So hilarious because it doesn't even try to be funny or absurd. It just replicates every MTV reality show. They do it all - they master the vocal cadence of inexperienced show hosts. They perfectly mimic and simultaneously mock the style choices. Everything from the voice-overs to the editing to the way they promote what's about to happen at the end of the show like it's the second coming of Christ. This is a magnificent piece of satire. True satire. If you want to check that, here's what our trusty Wikipedia has to say about satire: "The essential point, however, is that "in satire, irony is militant". This "militant irony" (or sarcasm) often professes to approve (or at least accept as natural) the very things the satirist actually wishes to attack." Boom. You've been Nina'd, mofo.

Mental – “Rainy Days” by Martin Brown

The Fox website describes Mental as “a medical mystery drama featuring Dr. Jack Gallagher, a radically unorthodox psychiatrist who becomes Director of Mental Health Services at a Los Angeles hospital where he takes on patients battling unknown, misunderstood and often misdiagnosed psychiatric conditions.” Sub out a couple of words—“doctor” for “psychiatrist,” “Princeton” for “Los Angeles,” etc.—and it’s the exact plot synopsis for House. They’re not even trying to be sneaky about it—though, to be completely fair, tweaking a couple of points in the formula of one of your network’s biggest successes to create another show. At the end of the day, it’s a smart move—a lazy move, creatively; but a smart one, business-wise. With strong enough writing and acting, Mental could transcend the fact that their set-up is the very definition of a cliché, and they just might have, if they weren’t so goddamn horrible at every single thing they do.

This week’s episode begins with a security guard calling on Gallagher to help talk a suicidal man down from a roof ledge. On his way up to the roof, he stops an intern and asks him to bring a sandwich—no, make that two sandwiches. Within the course of three lines, the security guard goes from mumbling about pushing the guy off himself to giving the doctor grief for not getting up to the roof fast enough. When they do reach the roof, the suicidal man greets them with lines like, “You want to see me go splat? Take a step closer, dumb cop!” and “Step a little closer! See the middle-aged Jew take his first flying lesson!” Gallagher attempts to lure the guy down by eating a sandwich and a pickle—presumably making him, I don’t know, jealous? Gallagher bites into the pickle, and the guy says, “Is that a new pickle? I can tell by the crunch.” There’s some stuff about how the news cameras were there earlier, and some stuff about how his family doesn’t care that he’s up there—because the show (and it’s a psychological drama, mind you) can’t decide whether it wants the character to be narcissistic or depressive (turns out he’s just a gambling addict. Ding!) When Gallagher offers the guy a sandwich, and the guy accepts, Gallagher throws it over the side of the building. Then, he reveals that he has yet another sandwich to offer the guy. Three sandwiches—one he’s eating, one over the side, one for the guy—which at this point is mathematically impossible, but fuck it. The guy comes down off of the ledge.

That’s all in the opening scene. When the actual episode starts, it focuses on a lawyer, played by a freaky blonde chick wearing way too much foundation (and, yet, strangely still not enough to cover up the two wrinkles that make her look 35.) Her story begins in the middle of a trial of a kid accused of murder, which Gallagher is testifying at. She’s supposed to be a brilliant lawyer who has never lost a case, but there’s nothing even remotely lawyerly (or winning) about her—most likely, this was the only blonde actress they could get to fly down to Columbia, where Mental films, to work on such a craptastic project. The episode eventually tries to pull some serious Bryan Singer shit and it turns out the whole trial was—get this—IN HER MIND.

The plotline with the suicidal dude plays out thusly: Gallagher finds out dude’s a compulsive gambler, and arranges a meeting with his bookie who “does this thing with a ball peen hammer, then he throws you off a freeway overpass,” asks the bookie to forgive the suicidal guy’s debt, and when the bookie tries to walk out of the room, Gallagher wordlessly hands him a ball peen hammer to get him to stay. And he stays! Later, Gallagher cons the suicidal dude into going to 8 “Gamblers United” meetings—because that’s how psychiatrists do—by loading a deck so that he can cut to a high card every time. When Gallagher meets suicidal guy at his first meeting, suicidal guy tells him he doesn’t have to stick around, to which Gallagher replies, “Confession time? When you cut the cards, I stacked the deck. We’re not so different, you and I.” This presumably means that Gallagher is also a gambling addict, even though stacking the deck is actually the opposite of gambling.

The episode is called “Rainy Days,” and they can’t even do rain right. In the context of the episode, it’s supposed to rain for two days straight. Yet, when the characters are outside, all we see is some mist coming up from some vents, and a few drops on the back of Gallagher’s leather jacket. Nobody’s even fucking wet! And take a look at the show’s logo: a zipper across Gallagher’s forehead, which zips up every time the show cuts to a commercial. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for, I don’t know, something having to do with psychiatry—but it’s more indicative of the show mentally taking a piss in between words from its sponsors.

The Sandbaggers - "Season One" by Nina Stone

So, I've started watching Sandbaggers. Wait, that's not right. Let me try again.

So, I've started watching the Godfather of all spy shows, Sandbaggers. I think it's British. (I know it's British. It's either Gordon Ramsay or the British serious-a-thon around here lately.) Do you like your spy shows filled with action and special effects? Look elsewhere, pal. But if you like good acting, this is where to turn. After watching the first six seasons of MI-5 (or Spooks, if you live anywhere that isn't in America), it's a little jarring to see set pieces like "a large cherry desk the size of your apartment" and "half-empty metal shelving from dad's garage". (Yeah - I'm talking 'bout yer dad. We're tight.) The interior of MI-5 (Again, that's "Spooks" in every other country in the world) looked like it was designed by Norwegian architects. From the future. Replicant Norwegian architects. Alternate future. It's hard to marry the two shows in my head, sorry. Here you go, simply put: Sandbaggers is the late 70's version of MI-6, MI-5 is the nownownownow version of MI-5. (It's called Spooks.)

Although I haven't said anything about him yet, not enough can be said about Neil Burnside, the lead character, the head of the Special Section, the Sandbagger qua excellence. He's just awful. He's like House with the humor surgically removed, tortured, and publicly executed. In fact, I wonder if Hugh Laurie used this character as an inspiration for his performance of Dr. House. I mean, this Burnside guy just doesn't give a fuck about anything but his bottom line. And you say, "But it's his job - he has to be this way." Sure, but it's clear that he's got nothing else but his job - and he doesn't care to. He's an awful, insensitive, manipulative prick. And his behavior never ceases to amaze. It's like watching a classy serial killers play chess with human skulls. By talking.

The Apprentice UK - Week Eleven

As this first season of the Apprentice UK winds down, I can almost certainly guarantee that I'll never watch this show again, despite being just as certain I'll watch it end next week. What started off initially as an engaging (and somewhat surprising) take on the reality show competition hour has now dribbled its way towards what will most certainly be marked down as a waste of time. It's just not that entertaining to watch a bunch of sourpusses desperately try to prove that they're merely tolerating the cameras surrounding them when the only reason for their every interaction is defined solely by those cameras. This episode--the first season's second to last--is referred to as "the semi-finals" more than once. And what does semi-finals mean, pray tell?

It means watching the final four contestants "bond" in shared mockery, a sequence that drowns in the completely absurd dramatic choice for it to be delivered in a Silent Montage of Laugher. Where, in the history of filmed narrative, has a silent montage of laughter ever been a good idea? (Besides some Cameron Crowe movie. Those have music.) After that, the final four are told to awaken at....6:45 in the morning! So they can be driven to an office building!

Where they will be interviewed by four different people!

For a total of four hours!

Of interviews!

Look, I'm not even sure how you recap something like this. Or review it. I guess you can just respond to it, but even then...I mean, c'mon. The producers had 16 hours of raw footage of these four people being interviewed to pull from, and they came up with a grand total of about three minutes per person, and at least half of that was cutaways so that the interviewer could say "I think she's a fucking liar" and "I like Tim, but he's got zero experience" or "James seems like he's 70 years old, is he? He's 34? Fuck that man, I betcha he's 70 years old." On top of that, only one of the interviewers has a personality--he's the one who doesn't work directly for Sir Alan Sugar--while the other three seem to have been dug up out of whatever cemetery is closest to the nondescript building the interviews are being held in. (A building so boring that the producers choose to cut to their helicopter shots of London a grand total of 11 fucking times during one segment.) The majority of the episode consists of the various interviewers telling Sir Alan Sugar what they think of the contestants, which roughly breaks down like this:

Tim: Three of the judges think he's the clear choice for the show, as he's young, smart, and hardworking. And likeable. And not an asshole. And classy. And physically attractive. The one guy who doesn't like him seems not to like him because he's inexperienced, which kind of misses the point of the title of the fucking show, which is "The Apprentice", which means that Being Experienced Means You're Not Qualified For The Position.

Paul: All four agree on Paul. They think Paul is a liar and an asshole. Through the magic of wasting fucking time, they discuss this for a full five minutes. 

Saira: They all think Saira would be a great salesperson, which is mostly attributable to the fact that none of them have the courage to say "Saira's a crazy fucking bitch". I guess they're worried how that will look on television? Look guys, it's not sexist to call a crazy fucking bitch a "crazy fucking bitch". It's sexist when you call an angry woman (who is just angry) a crazy fucking bitch. This isn't math. There is such a thing as a "crazy fucking bitch". They aren't unicorns. Either way, they have zero evidence for thinking that she's a good salesperson. She just comes off looking like a princess because she's a female and therefore cannot be Paul, who they all hate enough to bring up while talking about Saira.

James: For some reason, they all dislike James, except for the guy who keeps bitching about Tim. At a certain point, I started to wonder if I even liked James, because they were really convincing. The best part was watching two of the interviewers argue about James for a while until one of the quiet ones spoke up and said "I really don't trust James", like the dude was some kind of spy or something. And then they all agreed with him! I guess he did something shady. He just always seemed dopey to me.

After that, Sir Alan Sugar brings in all the candidates and proceeds to talk at them about how he's fucking awesome and doesn't give a shit about what the producers say, how he doesn't care about the "telly people"--he says it like they have leprosy--and then he gets done to the business of firing people. He really stretches it out with Tim, which is sort of ridiculous--it's obvious that Tim is the only logical choice out of the four following the interviews--but it goes on for a good couple of minutes. During this time period, Tim whips out his biggest surprise move of all: he can open his eyes so wide that he looks like a fucking puppy, and he sort of slouches down in his seat like he's five, and you're just like Holy Shit This Guy, What's He Doing. It's insane. He turns into a yorkshire terrier. It's everything in you not to tear your heart of your chest and hand it to him with a trembling hand. It's so adorable it almost makes the entire episode worth watching. Almost. He's in the finals.

The rest of the interviews go about as predictably as expected. James takes his firing like he's been kicked in the stomach by God, because James is a fucking baby, Paul takes it like he can fight his way out of it, and Saira believes she has a chance at winning despite the fact that she makes it into the finals on the strength of Not Being James or Paul. She does have a chance, because this is a reality show, but she's actually crazy enough to believe she earned it. Which--well, it is kind of understandable. She's gotten away with being a jerk ass crazy person for eleven episodes. What's one more?

-Matthew J. Brady, Nina Stone, Martin Brown & Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Chris Jones]

I'm glad somebody outside of me and like two other people I know enjoys Tim and Eric. It's kind of comedian's comedy.

[Jon Hastings]

Burnside is the spiritual father of ever Warren Ellis hero, ever.

[Marty]

Your worst move was convincing yourself that Apprentice UK was going to be any different from any other Mark Burnett-produced show on television, just because it's British. It's modelled on the first season of the American Apprentice--down to 90% of the challenges being lifted directly.

I dug the interview episode a hell of a lot more than I thought I was going to. Typically, they tend to graze over the interview portion like it's a formality--like they couldn't figure out how to get from four players to two, and just went with their first idea. But I like that it actually had the balls to be actually about the interviews, instead of just unceremoniously sending James and Paul packing. I get how it could be boring and redundant, but to me, seeing Alan Sugar take a more active part in hiring these people than he has all season, it was fascinating.

[Matthew J. Brady]

"There is such a thing as a 'crazy fucking bitch'. They aren't unicorns."

You've destroyed my innocence. Or restored it, maybe? I'm not sure.

Tim and Eric: I'm kind of on the fence with them. Sometimes they're really fucking annoying (which, yes, is the point, but that doesn't make it any less so), but other times the stuff they do is genius. That episode where they had a sketch directed by the guy who made "The Room"? Comedy gold.

[Vanja Miskovic]

"Sandbaggers" was the main inspiration for Greg Rucka's "Queen & country" comics series. In fact, the writer went so far to actually lift entire plots from the BBC series.

[Tucker Stone]

That's where I first heard about it, in one of Q&C's letter columns. This is Nina's first time seeing it though, so she's coming in clean.

[Kenny]

Matt, you are sooooo right about Tim & Eric. Although, ever since "The Room" episode, I'm now 100% off the fence and running through the grass of love with them!

[Vanja Miskovic]

"Sandbaggers" is a great series, any way you look at it. It has "the Wire"'s realistic portrayal of bureaucratic red tape the main characters have to get around to to get anything done, along with brilliant acting. Factor in the series creator (an actual navy spy!)'s strange disappearance and you've really got a unique show on your hands. They made only 7 episodes per season, but it's apparent that all of them had a great deal of thought, and preparation in them.

[LurkerWithout]

Sandbaggers was an amazing show. I've looked into picking it up after netflixing it but its damn expensive...

[Tucker Stone]

Yeah, the cost for the DVD sets is pretty high. It's not exactly in-demand though, so I guess they figure they can do what they like. The opening music that each DVD starts with is great though, sounds like a 20's revue.

[seth hurley]

See, I tried M-I5 (I hear it's called Spooks everywhere but in the US) and maybe it was too slick? Too pretty? This coming from an avowed 24 fan so I don't know.

I stuck with it for two seasons, until Tom's storyline was resolved, and it just felt like the place to step off.

Sandbaggers, though, is fantastic.

[Tucker Stone]

I'm a firm believer in MI-5 (which is Spooks, by the way)--it is fucking slick as hell, sometimes they're just doing crazy shit because they've got the cash to do so, to excuse the budget.

The show just went apeshit in the later seasons, with full on apocalypse style scenarios, killing and torturing people right and left...i haven't watched season 7 yet, but the Adam Carter years get fucking mean as hell. One season opens with the bombing of a commuter train in the middle east that kills a bunch of innocent people (on purpose), another one America is the main bad guy...it's just malicious, evil shit. With 24, they just keep moving around in the same lateral area of consequence. Spooks just keeps jacking up the level of problems, they even did a spin off that was set in a post-apocalyptic London. (It's roundly criticized as being horrible.)

[Zebtron A. Rama]

Great Job!