Comics Of The Weak: Phoning It In Is Acceptable If You Do It Long Enough

 

If one were to roll onto one's right side, this would be the view from TFO's current bed situation. But does that mean that Comics of the Weak is on vacation as well? Sort of. You'll just have to deal with this, the memories left behind by a bunch of comics, almost none of which were in any way memorable.

Absolution # 1, Avatar

Christos Gage has yet to write a really great comic book, although he has put some good scripts together with great art. Absolution won't be his game-changer, even by the bottom rung standards that have to be brought on board anytime one reads something published by Avatar, a company whose aesthetics are best understood when you look at it less as a publisher and more as a tax shelter for guys like Garth Ennis and Warren Ellis to hide income. However, this comic does include the line "He's the pussy eatin'est gay man I ever met". So yeah, if that's what you're looking for...well, actually, if that's what you're looking for, you must never have read an Avatar comic before. They're all sort of like that.

Abstract Comics, Fantagraphics

Guys like Jog can go a long way towards convincing that this coffee table conversation piece is a treasure trove of innovative comics, so if that's the version of response you're looking to emulate, go to the source. As far as can be gathered from TFO's actual experience, Abstract Comics is a tremendously random (as opposed to "diverse") collection of graphic design pieces and black and white sketches, only a few of which might conceivably have a place in Kramer's Ergot or one of those other anthologies people look at but don't read. The rest are in the same category as the Buddha Machine, or Rafael Toral's Space series--a specific, niche creation for a specific, niche audience. The only real difference is that the guys who make the Buddha Machine don't start calling people idiots when they say they'd prefer a little more music with their purchase of sound.

Big Questions # 12: A Young Crow's Guide To Hunting, D & Q

This was the big fight issue of Big Questions, but due to the fact that Drawn & Quarterly doesn't care about making Kicksplode style solicitations for the few serialized comics they publish, it showed up with no warning. That's why so many houses across the country are filled with mind-blown motherfuckers, because they had no way to prepare themselves for the moment when the blood started to hit the floor.

The Boys # 33, Dynamite

This was another issue of The Boys where the cover indicates that Darick Robertson is involved, because his name is on the cover, a cover he also illustrated. But no, he isn't anywhere to be found inside, and neither is Carlos Ezquerra, who handled the last issue. Instead, it's John McCrea and another fill-in penciler trying to make sense out of a big old fight scene that consists of horror movie poses while all the non-fighting characters try to instill the reader with a sense of fear about the badassness of a character who was last seen getting his ass kicked before running away like a six-year-old. Remember when you thought something might be going kinda wrong with The Boys from a production angle? Yikes.

Chew # 3, Image

It is pretty funny that a comic set in the "near future" uses people reading the newspaper as a plot point, because if there's one thing about the future we can be guaran-fucking-teed about, it's that nobody is going to be reading a fucking newspaper. Chew only gets to be innovative when you're talking to people who don't know what the word "innovative" means.

Irredeemable # 5, Boom

It's a lot easier to hate Irredeemable when you haven't just met a couple of nine-year-olds who love Irredeemable so much that the two of them have actually saved up money they should probably have spent on food so that they can buy the new issue, only to find out that the issue only costs 99 cents, which means they can, for the first time, both get a copy for themselves. Like--it doesn't really matter how bad the comic is when faced with that kind of reaction.

(It is a pretty shitty comic, if you care.)

Savage Dragon # 151, Image

According to the characters, the Savage Dragon character died in issue 150, so this issue decided to focus on the Savage Dragon's kids. They are a boy and a girl, and the boy gets an erection while wrestling with his sister. Other stuff happens too, but that's all that really sticks in the memory.

Tyrese Gibson's Mayhem # 1, Image

You know, yeah. It's terrible--the "cat-urine" dialog, the pointless torture sequence that results in Mapquest level directions to the next crime scene, the moment where "you're out of bullets" is responded to with "but not C-4", or the horrible, horrible art--but so what? Nobody involved in this comic is taking away space that would be better utilized by something that's operating on some higher aesthetic level, and if it is, whose fault is that? The consumer, reliant on a dwinding network of stores? The companies, desperately trying to capitalize on a dwindling network of fans? If there's a better comic than Mayhem--and obviously, there are--and it can't beat Mayhem for sales, what does that say? It doesn't say anything. Nobody who bought this thing was actually looking for Love and Rockets and settled on Mayhem instead. They were looking for comics where a guy who looks like Tyrese Gibson shoots, stabs and tortures people before going to see a priest and asking for forgiveness. That's exactly what they were given.

Sir Edward Grey: Witchfinder # 2, Dark Horse

Well, we'll always have B.P.R.D.

DC

Batman Confidential # 32

Peter Milligan apparently has his signals crossed--the Batman story published in the "only for completionists" comic is supposed to be the throwaway work-for-hire one, and the Vertigo prestige series is the one that's supposed to be pretty fucking great.

Doom Patrol # 1

If you happen to be reading Spawn and wondering what the hell happened to Whilce Portacio, go ahead and check out the main story in Doom Patrol # 1. That's where all that Wetworks style action went. Also, why the fuck are you reading Spawn?

Final Crisis Aftermath Run # 4

Somewhere between Final Crisis and Final Crisis Aftermath Run, the Human Flame character went from looking like Mario (of the Brothers) to looking like Man-At-Arms (of the He-Man).

Greek Street # 2

Oh, come ON. Cut off your dick or don't, you fucking baby.

The Hangman # 1, A Red Circle Jerk

Because El Diablo wasn't enough, because a Ghost Rider in the Reconstruction wasn't enough, here he is, a Union Doctor turned scourge of evil-doers, filling in for the Spectre/whoever else. There really should be some kind of rule about using that horrible half-ass cursive version of lettering. It's hideous.

Justice League: Cry For Justice # 2

It would make a lot more sense to get upset about the sexism in the stupid threesome dialog sequence if the rest of the comic didn't read like its dialog was written by someone under the age of 12, but since it does--really. You get mad when a nine-year-old calls you a fag because you won't buy candy to support the soccer team? Do you? He's nine. That's what nine year olds do.

Secret Six # 12

One would think that, since Gail Simone writes Wonder Woman, she would want Wonder Woman to appear as a total badass when Wonder Woman shows up in Secret Six. Surprise! You can beat up Wonder Woman just by telling her a sad story! It has to be a really, really sad story though.

Marvel

All Winners Comics # 1, Marvel

The ugliest one of these specials so far, which is saying a lot. But it does have Namor make an inside joke about old comic book creators in it, so there's some depressive appeal there.

Amazing Spider-Man # 601

The guy who did the art for this comic draws really good buildings, like so good that it almost makes you feel sorry for all those art jerks who don't read super-hero comics. Then you remember that the rest of the comic is some soap opera story where Peter Parker is struggling to decide which of the personality-clone women he wants to Spider-fuck, that it costs four dollars, and that it had one of the shittiest covers you've seen in awhile, and you realize that shit, maybe those art jerks have a point. And they do! It's shoved right up their ass, which is why they always sound so bitchy.

Black Panther # 7

There's a panel in this comic where the new Black Panther meets with Barack Obama, but Barack Obama has his eyes averted, like he's bashful or something. Really? Bashful? Is that a political statement or something? It would make sense if it really was Barack Obama, but this is just a DRAWING of Barack Obama. Drawings don't have to be embarrassed about appearing in some comic book that is going to get cancelled really soon.

Captain America: Reborn # 2

Although it's pretty common practice to put stuff on covers that never happens in comics, it's really fucking irresponsible to depict Captain America putting Hitler in a sleeper hold and then fail to present that image in the actual story. Hitler in a sleeper hold--that's at least one of the top ten reasons super-hero comics still exist. Don't shit on the formula.

Destroyer # 5

The first three issues of Destroyer had a whole bunch of really epic fights where an elderly man beat the shit out of lots of things while screaming. This issue tried to do the same thing, but it included a junior high version of the Seventh Seal (with punching), and none of the versions of Death that the elderly man fought were gigantic and monstrous, and he won the fight. And then he told his wife that he loved her. And then he sat in a lawn chair.

Ghost Riders Heaven's On Fire # 1

It isn't enough to title a Ghost Rider comic so it sounds like an AC/DC song. You have to actually include AC/DC level action to pull it off. It wouldn't take much--just put somebody in a schoolboy outfit. Not the nun though, that'll just piss off the ladies.

Hulk # 13

It's kind of sad and horrible that Americans live in a world that prefers its "Hulk" related comic books not to be about a nerdy scientist who turns into a giant green destroying machine, but instead to be boring conversations about grief.

Invincible Iron Man # 16

According to people who would know, the reason Iron Man shaved off his mustache is because he is on the run. According to people who wouldn't know, that isn't a good enough reason for Iron Man to go without his mustache, which is both his most identifiable feature and Most Excellent one. It also makes it that much harder to believe the plot of this comic, which is that two women love Tony Stark so much that they're willing to die/kill/maim for him, because really, without his mustache, Tony Stark looks exactly like every single other male comic book character in every single other Marvel comic book.

Luke Cage Noir # 1

The choir has spoken, and yes, this Luke Cage Noir series does read just like Harlem Nights with Luke Cage. The question remains whether one thinks that's a negative or a positive. On the basis of the first issue, which has all kinds of "Harlem-y" moments like Luke's trip to the barber shop and Luke's trip to the speakeasy, we'll call it a wash. Oh look, Tombstone. In a graveyard. How quaint!

Ultimatum Fantastic Four: Requiem # 1

It's a little known fact, but after 9/11, a whole lot of grieving New Yorkers made a special trip out to Liberty Island for the express purpose of yelling at the Statue of Liberty for not protecting the city from the attacks. Thankfully, one can rely on Marvel Comics to depict such a scene for the purposes of giving depth to their fictive portrayal of the Human Torch.

Ultimatum X-Men: Requiem # 1

Iceman, Jean Grey, Rogue, Kitty Pryde and Captain America get together for a funeral! They have fourteen BODIES and one severed ARM. They kill some more people at the FUNERAL. Then they CRY. Then the comic is OVER.

War Machine # 7

War Machine is like Iron Man, except that Iron Man has Tony Stark, and War Machine has a guy with no arms and no legs. One assumes that the plan is to appeal to a subset of Iron Man fans irritated that comics about a human dressed like a Go-Bot will occasionally focus on said human doing non-Go-Bot related things by crippling the main character in such a fashion that his dating prospects will be, at best, minimal. Not a horrible business model, albeit one that is all but moot in issue 7, which spends a good percentage of its pages flashing back to a period of time when said character had arms, legs, and a compulsive desire to run towards things that explode.

-Tucker Stone, 2009

Comments

[Kenny Cather]

"Nobody who bought this thing was actually looking for Love and Rockets and settled on Mayhem instead."

I disagree. Before I started buying *everything* from Amazon, I would frequently go into comic shops and just buy any old junk because the stuff I wanted to read was never ordered by the comic shop. I don't think most people realize 90% of all comic stores only order DC and Marvel books with some Image as their indy selection.

The reason why us art jerks are always crying is because it's near impossible to find the books we want to buy. Like The Muppet Show? I've still never seen an issue.

[JK Parkin]

Heaven's on Fire is actually a Kiss song.

[Tucker Stone]

Ah, but it SOUNDS like an AC/DC song. But point taken.

Kenny-i'm not sure i can go with you on your argument there. Because the product you want isn't available, you have to buy one you don't? That doesn't seem like something one can spread the blame on.

[Kenny Cather]

Tucker, I'm sorry. I never *had* to buy Youngblood or whatever. I would just go in to a comic store, hoping they'd have Love & Rockets, be disappointed, and then buy something else for the fun of it. Was I settling for Spawn or something? Yes. But did I *have* to buy something? No, not at all.

Anyway, thank God for on-line retailers. It's nice being able to buy stuff like Love & Rockets or Asterios Polyp or whatever. It's a happy thing, you know? I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, I'm just saying that prior to the Internet, I was buying books like Mayhem because I couldn't find what I wanted.

Nothing against you, but I think something people like Heidi MacDonal and Brian Hibbs often forget is they live in major metropolitan cities. Cities that size can support comic stores that carry a large selection of books. But in smaller cities, comic shops have narrower margins so they stick to what they think has the best odds of selling through - Marvel, DC, and some Image. Fantagraphics, Boom, D&Q - you never see that stuff for sale outside of large cities.

But yeah, it's not Mayhem's fault smaller comic shops can't support Love & Rockets. Gibson & them are just trying to sell books, nothing wrong there.

[Matthew]

How large a city do you live in? I lived in a city of about 100,000 people that had two comic stores that sold lots of stuff that wasn't Marvel/DC

[Tucker Stone]

Hey, i spent most of my formative comic reading years dependent on one store, 2 hour drive, that carried love and rockets.I know it's a pain. My point is that there isn't a single store--anywhere--that bought Mayhem instead of some magic comic of awesome, they bought Mayhem instead of some other "dude with a gun" comic.

[Kenny Cather]

Tucker, now I'm getting it. You have no idea how slow I am sometimes! Yeah, there's no one looking at money they budgeted for The Muppet Show spending it on Mayhem instead! lol

Matt, now I live in Brooklyn. But I was living in Ohio. I was in the Cleveland area and I spent 10 years in Cincinnati. The stores in those cities didn't carry anything that wasn't Marvel/DC. If it wasn't for Copacetic Comics in Pittsburgh, it would be the same there, too. I used to live in The Loop in Chicago and I could find all kinds of awesome comics there. Columbus, OH has a store with indy stuff. But my point is, the stores in the MidWest with indy stuff are the exception, not the rule. So, it's a pain to buy this stuff.

And I should clarify - I have seen The Muppet Show in NYC. I've not seen it for sale in any store in Ohio. Ohio's not a magical bumpkin land, either. Cleveland and Cincinnati are both pretty big. But diversity in comics are not so big there.

[Matthew J. Brady]

You can always ask a retailer to order stuff too, you know.

[Kenny Cather]

Matt, sure, retailers can be asked. But, will they? I used to visit a comic shop run by a *very* nice guy, and he'd always write down my requests, but I'd say he followed through with about 10% of those orders. On the flip side, there are the jerk owners who refuse to place orders.

I dunno, I'm just down on the DM on the whole. I mean, I understand that for most guys their margins are so small they can't afford to order stuff they don't know will sell. But if all we're left with is stores with no diverse selection and an order form for what you want, then what do we need comic stores for?

Anyway, I'm going to stop riding this horse into the ground. I don't have much use for the DM, but I don't think there are any viable solutions to fix it, either. Amazon suits my needs just fine, so it's kind of a wash.

[moose n squirrel]

"Cut off your dick or don't, you fucking baby."

Wrong body part, Tucker.

[Matthew J. Brady]

I hear you, Kenny. I've been pretty fortunate to frequent some well-run comics shops, so I haven't had much problems with that sort of thing, but yeah, the DM is pretty broken. One final suggestion, if you're interested in pamphlet comics as opposed to collections and/or graphic novels, is DCBS (http://www.dcbservice.com/), which is kind of like turning yourself into your own comic shop. But yeah, Amazon and Borders or B&N can pretty much get you whatever you want, so it's sort of a wash.

[David Uzumeri]

What the fuck is up with reviews of ASM 601 that think it costs four dollars? I realize it has a backup, but the cover pretty clearly has a two, a dot, a nine, and then another nine. After an S with a vertical line through it. I think that means it costs two dollars and ninety-nine cents. Tucker, you're not the only person to make this mistake with this specific issue, but seriously, are we now at the point where we're so hair-trigger complaining about books costing $3.99 that we don't even notice when a book costs $2.99 and still has a backup?

[Kenny Cather]

Matt, you are an evergreen of optimism!! Which is why I love your page, btw! But yeah, I'm a happy guy, so why am I complaining? Who knows? It's best to just nod your head and smile at me sometimes! ^_^

[Tucker Stone]

I'm pretty hair-trigger, i'll give you that. This week was an experiment in how many of these things i could actually ingest, so i'm not surprised that i made the mistake. I can't speak for anybody else who barfs out verbiage regarding ASM, but that particular title does seem to bring a huge amount of animosity to the table, very little of it having to do with the actual content-o-comic.

[w]

"The only real difference is that the guys who make the Buddha Machine don't start calling people idiots when they say they'd prefer a little more music with their purchase of sound."

Where did you see anyone called an idiot?